From being the centre of their world to being gum on their shoes ?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I don't know about you guys , but I take a very healthy approach to people and relationships in that I never idealise my partners  I see what I like and usually over time I tend to like more or dislike something's less but I can always have nuance generally I've never had a r/s I wanted to leave or felt the other partner was lacking if I did BU it was because well I wanted something else not that they were "not good enough"

I don't know if this is just a BPD trait but I can't fathom how someone can love and respect someone for years than suddenly have nothing but contempt and disrespect for the "other" I truly find it mind boglling .

[dobie]

I don't know about you guys , but I take a very healthy approach to people and relationships in that I never idealise my partners  I see what I like and usually over time I tend to like more or dislike something's less but I can always have nuance generally I've never had a r/s I wanted to leave or felt the other partner was lacking if I did BU it was because well I wanted something else not that they were "not good enough"

I don't know if this is just a BPD trait but I can't fathom how someone can love and respect someone for years than suddenly have nothing but contempt and disrespect for the "other" I truly find it mind boglling .

[cosmonaut]

Splitting can be hard to understand sometimes, can't it?  To a certain degree we all can engage in black and white thinking.  Even many of us in healing do that in thinking the worst about our ex - or idealizing them.  The truth is that we are all some combination of good and bad traits.  We are all a shade of gray.  Splitting happens as a way to cope.  It is a way of enforcing emotional distance, and it is also indulging in the projecting and blaming that is common with BPD since the shame of acceptance of bad behavior is so overwhelming.  By making everything someone else's fault, this shame can be externalized.  It's a way of protecting themselves, and it can happen very quickly.

Try and not take it personally.  It is part and parcel of the disorder.  I know how hard that may be at first, but realizing that it is not your fault is very helpful in our healing.  We can accept our role in the relationship, but the splitting is absolutely not our fault.  It is a product of the disorder.

Do you feel like you are struggling with this?  Do you feel like it's your fault or that you weren't good enough?

[dobie]

Splitting can be hard to understand sometimes, can't it?  To a certain degree we all can engage in black and white thinking.  Even many of us in healing do that in thinking the worst about our ex - or idealizing them.  The truth is that we are all some combination of good and bad traits.  We are all a shade of gray.  Splitting happens as a way to cope.  It is a way of enforcing emotional distance, and it is also indulging in the projecting and blaming that is common with BPD since the shame of acceptance of bad behavior is so overwhelming.  By making everything someone else's fault, this shame can be externalized.  It's a way of protecting themselves, and it can happen very quickly.

Try and not take it personally.  It is part and parcel of the disorder.  I know how hard that may be at first, but realizing that it is not your fault is very helpful in our healing.  We can accept our role in the relationship, but the splitting is absolutely not our fault.  It is a product of the disorder.

Do you feel like you are struggling with this?  :)o you feel like it's your fault or that you weren't good enough?

Yes Cosmo I do because she devalued me with enough truth in each and every hate filled resentful statement  to make it wound .

My T said it must have been "soul destroying" and I have to agree it was possibly the worst thing she could have done .

The funny thing was she did it two weeks after she left before that the devaluations were minor in comparison.  I asked if we could meet to discus things she said no we could talk on the phone  i just told her i wanted to hear her say for sure one more time she does not love me and then she got annoyed as she was eating dinner with her family and let me have it i guess she got braver and realised she could cope without me ?

[lm911]

This is one of the hardest aspects of failed r/s with BPD, because they make you feel not worthy, that you are nobody, that they have easily forget you, that they are better without you, that you are just a scumbag and etc. Of course this is not true, it took me a lot of time to recognise that this was all due to because I was too close to her, I was the special one, and all this splitting means you are not forgotten, she is trying to forget you and erase you.

[FannyB]

Dobie

BPD is the triumph of mistrust over hope.

At the start of the relationship they hope you will be the person who makes them whole - protects them and makes them happy. When they twig you are less than the perfect being they need you to be then the defence mechanism kicks in and they start to mistrust you, to analyse you to spite you for 'failing' them. Then they discard you and start the cycle again with your replacement. 

Don't take it personally - it's hardwired into their psyche. Don't try and understand her - just accept the disorder for what it is and think how lucky you are that you didn't have children with her and aren't therefore tied to her madness til the day you die.

[Fr4nz]

Splitting can be hard to understand sometimes, can't it?  To a certain degree we all can engage in black and white thinking.  Even many of us in healing do that in thinking the worst about our ex - or idealizing them.  The truth is that we are all some combination of good and bad traits.  We are all a shade of gray.  Splitting happens as a way to cope.  It is a way of enforcing emotional distance, and it is also indulging in the projecting and blaming that is common with BPD since the shame of acceptance of bad behavior is so overwhelming.  By making everything someone else's fault, this shame can be externalized.  It's a way of protecting themselves, and it can happen very quickly.

Try and not take it personally.  It is part and parcel of the disorder.  I know how hard that may be at first, but realizing that it is not your fault is very helpful in our healing.  We can accept our role in the relationship, but the splitting is absolutely not our fault.  It is a product of the disorder.

Do you feel like you are struggling with this?  :)o you feel like it's your fault or that you weren't good enough?

Yes Cosmo I do because she devalued me with enough truth in each and every hate filled resentful statement  to make it wound .

My T said it must have been "soul destroying" and I have to agree it was possibly the worst thing she could have done .

The funny thing was she did it two weeks after she left before that the devaluations were minor in comparison.  I asked if we could meet to discus things she said no we could talk on the phone  i just told her i wanted to hear her say for sure one more time she does not love me and then she got annoyed as she was eating dinner with her family and let me have it i guess she got braver and realised she could cope without me ?

Dobie, the only thing to do now is to go absolute NC. NOW. It is pointless to try talking to them when they have you painted black. If they want, they will return at some point in the future.

I know, NC is very hard at the beginning, but is the ONLY feasible thing to protect your ego at this point.

[cosmonaut]

Yes Cosmo I do because she devalued me with enough truth in each and every hate filled resentful statement  to make it wound .

My T said it must have been "soul destroying" and I have to agree it was possibly the worst thing she could have done .

The funny thing was she did it two weeks after she left before that the devaluations were minor in comparison.  I asked if we could meet to discus things she said no we could talk on the phone  i just told her i wanted to hear her say for sure one more time she does not love me and then she got annoyed as she was eating dinner with her family and let me have it i guess she got braver and realised she could cope without me ?

We all make mistakes, dobie.  This is universally true.  None of us is perfect in relationships.  I know you wish you had done some things differently.  You've said before that you wish you'd gone out more and done some more romantic things.  These are not deal breakers in most relationships, dobie.  Most couples could talk about that and correct it.  And then let it go.   Dobie, this isn't why she left.  She left because she got triggered.  And I think you are having trouble accepting that she has BPD, and that her leaving is the result of her disorder.  It is not you.  It's not because you weren't good enough, buddy.  You are beating yourself up about this so much, and it's not your fault.  You didn't cause this.

Do you know why you want to take this on?  Why you want to own that this was your fault?  Is it some self esteem issues yourself?  Does believing you caused it allow you to believe maybe you can fix it?

[ZeusRLX]

I agree it doesn't make sense. Worshipping you one day, ignoring you or demonizing you the next.

It's one of the most complex, contradictory and treacherous mental disorders, if not them most IMHO.

[jalen]

This is one of the hardest aspects of failed r/s with BPD, because they make you feel not worthy, that you are nobody, that they have easily forget you, that they are better without you, that you are just a scumbag and etc. Of course this is not true, it took me a lot of time to recognise that this was all due to because I was too close to her, I was the special one, and all this splitting means you are not forgotten, she is trying to forget you and erase you.

.                       During the self harm, mutilation, abandonment issue cry's I used to get told I was the only one that ever brought out this side of her, so what would that mean ?

[zundertowz]

My ex went from pushing me to marry her and planning every aspect of the wedding to the next week threatning if I didnt leave she would ruin my life by claiming false abuse on me... .I didnt wanna marry her maybe she sensed that but still insane.

[lm911]

This is one of the hardest aspects of failed r/s with BPD, because they make you feel not worthy, that you are nobody, that they have easily forget you, that they are better without you, that you are just a scumbag and etc. Of course this is not true, it took me a lot of time to recognise that this was all due to because I was too close to her, I was the special one, and all this splitting means you are not forgotten, she is trying to forget you and erase you.

.                       :)uring the self harm, mutilation, abandonment issue cry's I used to get told I was the only one that ever brought out this side of her, so what would that mean ?

The same thing- you were too close fear of engulfment was triggered, and she tries with whatever childish actions she can to make you go away in her head and to erase you.

[dobie]

Dobie

BPD is the triumph of mistrust over hope.

At the start of the relationship they hope you will be the person who makes them whole - protects them and makes them happy. When they twig you are less than the perfect being they need you to be then the defence mechanism kicks in and they start to mistrust you, to analyse you to spite you for 'failing' them. Then they discard you and start the cycle again with your replacement. 

Don't take it personally - it's hardwired into their psyche. Don't try and understand her - just accept the disorder for what it is and think how lucky you are that you didn't have children with her and aren't therefore tied to her madness til the day you die.

Bloody hell fanny you just summed up the whole r/s that's exactly what happened even at the end she screamed THERE WERE TIMES U MADE ME INCREADIBLY HAPPY!

A normal BU would be i loved you very much , I'm so sorry , I just don't feel the same we had some amazing times I will always remember all the good things we shared etc

[dobie]

Yes Cosmo I do because she devalued me with enough truth in each and every hate filled resentful statement  to make it wound .

My T said it must have been "soul destroying" and I have to agree it was possibly the worst thing she could have done .

The funny thing was she did it two weeks after she left before that the devaluations were minor in comparison.  I asked if we could meet to discus things she said no we could talk on the phone  i just told her i wanted to hear her say for sure one more time she does not love me and then she got annoyed as she was eating dinner with her family and let me have it i guess she got braver and realised she could cope without me ?

We all make mistakes, dobie.  This is universally true.  None of us is perfect in relationships.  I know you wish you had done some things differently.  You've said before that you wish you'd gone out more and done some more romantic things.  These are not deal breakers in most relationships, dobie.  Most couples could talk about that and correct it.  And then let it go.   :)obie, this isn't why she left.  She left because she got triggered.  And I think you are having trouble accepting that she has BPD, and that her leaving is the result of her disorder.  It is not you.  It's not because you weren't good enough, buddy.  You are beating yourself up about this so much, and it's not your fault.  You didn't cause this.

Do you know why you want to take this on?  Why you want to own that this was your fault?  Is it some self esteem issues yourself?  Does believing you caused it allow you to believe maybe you can fix it?

I didn't realise Cosmo but for the last few years she was making me feel like all the problems in the r/s were my fault I was jumping through hoops to fix things all the time . she also made me feel like it was my job to make her happy and my fault when she was not .

She did sometimes accept minimal responsibility but mostly it was my fault even post BU in her eyes its "we are not right for each other or its dobie fault "

That feeling of not being good enough , not up to standard goes deep to my foo my T identified that .

In see now she had all her hopes and dreams pinned on me to fix her make her complete happy whole etc which is impossible

Of course people enter relationships to make themselves happy but it's give and take with her it was mostly take .

She even told me she had not been happy for the whole 6.5 years and that's why she lost her sex drive

I took on so much blame and guilt she took me from this strong , interesting powerful guy to this little boy desperate for her acceptance and approval

Desperate to show I was worthy of love and respect

I'm so cross I allowed her to devalue me and for taking more than my fair share of the blame

When I look at the r/s what needs of mine was she fulfilling ? She was not nurturing she was not fun she never made me laugh she made me feel wanted and in the beginning powerful and amazing but her love was the love of a child her love was "I need you" not " "I want you"

I felt needed and special that's what i got from her .

She never really cared or tried to make me happy it was always her first second and third and me last .

I allowed her to emasculate me to take my power away . I became her caretaker .

[Devaluedman]

Dude, I totally understand where you are coming from. Your pain speaks to me, because it is my pain as well. You are not alone, trust me. I was discarded like trash. And then called verbally abusive and angry because I had the gall to fight back. They hate that. The worst thing you can do is defy them. Unless you are a good little puppy they will discard you like a used piece of trash, and never let you back into their life.

[cosmonaut]

In see now she had all her hopes and dreams pinned on me to fix her make her complete happy whole etc which is impossible

Dobie, you hit the nail on the head.  This is all about the disorder.  You're right that she is crushed and angry that you didn't make her whole, which as you very correctly state is impossible.  Only she can ever do that.  She doesn't understand that yet, however.

It's not your fault.  This is what BPD does.  Read the many, many stories on this forum about people who are dealing with this same pattern.   It's truly not you.  We must always remember that.

Think you might be ready to let go of all that guilt you've been carrying?

[dobie]

Dude, I totally understand where you are coming from. Your pain speaks to me, because it is my pain as well. You are not alone, trust me. I was discarded like trash. And then called verbally abusive and angry because I had the gall to fight back. They hate that. The worst thing you can do is defy them. Unless you are a good little puppy they will discard you like a used piece of trash, and never let you back into their life.

I feel for you I'm sorry you have had to experience the same thing i wouldn't wish the devaluation on my worst enemy .

For most of the r/s she was the needy waif in the last few year/she became the haughty queen arrogant and superior that's how she left

[dobie]

In see now she had all her hopes and dreams pinned on me to fix her make her complete happy whole etc which is impossible

Dobie, you hit the nail on the head.  This is all about the disorder.  You're right that she is crushed and angry that you didn't make her whole, which as you very correctly state is impossible.  Only she can ever do that.  She doesn't understand that yet, however.

It's not your fault.  This is what BPD does.  Read the many, many stories on this forum about people who are dealing with this same pattern.   It's truly not you.  We must always remember that.

Think you might be ready to let go of all that guilt you've been carrying?

Hey Cosmo 

I had a good session with my T yesterday she said my x was plugging the hole I had tried so hard to conceal from the world and my self the lack of self worth and self esteem  . That her words on leaving were a mirror that she reflected back on me as to how I feel inside .

Looking back on the last year of the r/s I understand more now there were a few incidents where I lost my xBPDgf trust that was enough to start her to disengage and withdraw over the last 12-14 months of the r/s and slowly start to devalue me .

She did carry me in a few ways but that's not totally true how she framed it nor is she acknowledgeing the many ways I "carried" and supported her .

What I understand now about her and BPD is that its a disorder that is about them there ability to share mutual needs and giving is severly limited they can only give or support a s/o in a limited way .

As a s/o there is no 50/50 you must be 90/10 its a very selfish disorder rooted I suppose like a child who can only take and need and is limited in what they can do for the "parent" I'm working on my feelings of low self worth with my T but its a long climb

[going places]

I don't know about you guys , but I take a very healthy approach to people and relationships in that I never idealise my partners  I see what I like and usually over time I tend to like more or dislike something's less but I can always have nuance generally I've never had a r/s I wanted to leave or felt the other partner was lacking if I did BU it was because well I wanted something else not that they were "not good enough"

I don't know if this is just a BPD trait but I can't fathom how someone can love and respect someone for years than suddenly have nothing but contempt and disrespect for the "other" I truly find it mind boglling .

If it was never 'love' in the first place... .

If they are a disordered person who has been putting on a show... .

If one person has been abused... .

21 years I loved and respected my ex... .sometimes I didn't like what he did... .but didn't realize what was happening to me.

After the affair, I realized my life, was a lie.

His abuse was unbearable. To the point of wanting to end my life to get away... .

It's hard to love someone, I mean, genuinely love someone MUCH LESS have respect for someone, who lied, deceived, manipulated, abused, and hid a disgusting addiction for 22 years. Then tried to blame it all, on me.

Once I stopped making the past "the way I wanted it to be" in my mind, and started seeing it for what it was (all a lie) slowly, I realized I was in "love" with a lie; a fake; a front he put on... .and now that that is gone and the REAL ex showed his REAL self, no, I am not in love with that monster.

[dobie]

I don't know about you guys , but I take a very healthy approach to people and relationships in that I never idealise my partners  I see what I like and usually over time I tend to like more or dislike something's less but I can always have nuance generally I've never had a r/s I wanted to leave or felt the other partner was lacking if I did BU it was because well I wanted something else not that they were "not good enough"

I don't know if this is just a BPD trait but I can't fathom how someone can love and respect someone for years than suddenly have nothing but contempt and disrespect for the "other" I truly find it mind boglling .

If it was never 'love' in the first place... .

If they are a disordered person who has been putting on a show... .

If one person has been abused... .

21 years I loved and respected my ex... .sometimes I didn't like what he did... .but didn't realize what was happening to me.

After the affair, I realized my life, was a lie.

His abuse was unbearable. To the point of wanting to end my life to get away... .

It's hard to love someone, I mean, genuinely love someone MUCH LESS have respect for someone, who lied, deceived, manipulated, abused, and hid a disgusting addiction for 22 years. Then tried to blame it all, on me.

Once I stopped making the past "the way I wanted it to be" in my mind, and started seeing it for what it was (all a lie) slowly, I realized I was in "love" with a lie; a fake; a front he put on... .and now that that is gone and the REAL ex showed his REAL self, no, I am not in love with that monster.

That's awful going places I can't imagine what you must have been through or the courage it took to start again after 21 years

I think my ex loved me when she needed me but she loves herself first and foremost her pain is too great for her to have empathy or feeling for another in a deep and real way . men and relationships are things she uses to make her feel better or to find happiness because she does not have it within .

My ex was not abusive per say but rather crafty , devaluing , critical , selfish, resentful , blaming etc

I wish she had been openly abusive so I could have got out of the fog sooner

[going places]

Dobie I am so sorry.

I stayed 4 more years after his mask fell off.

For 3 years he has me convinced it was all my fault and if I was just a better wife things would work.

What that really meant was if I did all the giving like I had done for 21 years and he did all the taking.

I simply could not do that... .Not any more.

His abuse was "quiet" meaning a lot of gas lighting, flipping the script, silent treatment and sullen glares.

Many times I wished he would have beaten me black and blue.

Then his abuse would have been obvious for all to see.

[dobie]

Dobie I am so sorry.

I stayed 4 more years after his mask fell off.

For 3 years he has me convinced it was all my fault and if I was just a better wife things would work.

What that really meant was if I did all the giving like I had done for 21 years and he did all the taking.

I simply could not do that... .Not any more.

His abuse was "quiet" meaning a lot of gas lighting, flipping the script, silent treatment and sullen glares.

Many times I wished he would have beaten me black and blue.

Then his abuse would have been obvious for all to see.

I felt I was going crazy near the end sometimes like I couldn't win

Some of those things you suffered I experienced as well

Yes I was made to feel I was the problem I was the "bully" the "bad one" in need of changing

[Devaluedman]

Dobie,

I was the "angry man". I was verbally abusive.  Oh, and sexually aggressive. (I can't tell you, because this is a family site, the kind of porn sex she liked, but in an amazing feat of revisionism claimed that I was the one who wanted to do all of these things.)  And I won't go into the fantasies involving other potential partners.

I was also BPD, bi-polar,;anxiety-ridden; a "loser"; insecure; stupid (she's a professor); too traditional; demanding; controlling, etc, etc. Talk about projection!

Now, sex literally dried up after my two week Kim Kardashian marriage. She withdrew all of it, except when she wanted to get off in front of me.    So, how was I sexually aggressive when I wasn't getting any?

Trust me, man, you have nothing, and I mean NOTHING, to feel bad about. This stuff is crazy-making.

[dobie]

Dobie,

I was the "angry man". I was verbally abusive.  Oh, and sexually aggressive. (I can't tell you, because this is a family site, the kind of porn sex she liked, but in an amazing feat of revisionism claimed that I was the one who wanted to do all of these things.)  And I won't go into the fantasies involving other potential partners.

I was also BPD, bi-polar,;anxiety-ridden; a "loser"; insecure; stupid (she's a professor); too traditional; demanding; controlling, etc, etc. Talk about projection!

Now, sex literally dried up after my two week Kim Kardashian marriage. She withdrew all of it, except when she wanted to get off in front of me.    So, how was I sexually aggressive when I wasn't getting any?

Trust me, man, you have nothing, and I mean NOTHING, to feel bad about. This stuff is crazy-making.

That's awful ! Mine did not start the devaluation full bore till we spoke for the second time after we spoke .

Not as bad as yours but enough to wound .

It was a feeling of contempt  like I had been " holding her back" the year/s of resentment building to an almighty  crescendo .

She was empowered and feeling "strong" hiding behind a phone enabled by her dysfunctional family and new gfs .

I don't care if she is BPD or not she is nasty piece of work .

Calculating , manipulative , selfish and truly a worthless excuse for a friend let alone partner .

I want to move so far on from her I never remember her name


She filled something in me a "core wound" her love was the love of a child if I was healthy there would have been no way I would have tolerated her for 6.5 years I'm looking forward to being healthy I'm looking forward to her words carrying as much weight as a feather . I'm looking forward to the day I get down on my kness and praise God I have not ended up spending my while life with her .

[PlanetsBendBetweenUs]

"Yes Cosmo I do because she devalued me with enough truth in each and every hate filled resentful statement  to make it wound .

My T said it must have been "soul destroying" and I have to agree it was possibly the worst thing she could have done "[/color]

I began to cry when I read this. The first time in many many years. I choked them back because I know I will break down if I let them out. there will be time for tears I suppose so much bottled up.

[dobie]

"Yes Cosmo I do because she devalued me with enough truth in each and every hate filled resentful statement  to make it wound .

My T said it must have been "soul destroying" and I have to agree it was possibly the worst thing she could have done "[/color]

I began to cry when I read this. The first time in many many years. I choked them back because I know I will break down if I let them out. there will be time for tears I suppose so much bottled up.

I don't know how I missed the building resentment and contempt over the year or so before she left buddy.  I guess she was always unhappy about something so was hard to tell perhaps I just didn't want to .

[dobie]

Another big   hit me in the face the other day

She never said she loved any of her ex bfs it was always a reason or need for why she was with them I never once heard her say x was the love of my life or I loved him loads


I can hear her now to my replacement

" I thought I loved him he was a good guy but I was just immature but overall he was a meanie boo hoo ,"


And her classic "I should have left him a year ago" the line she uses for all her bu with long term bfs 

Such lies


I wonder if I worked with her sometimes or she was forced to spend time with me if she would idealise me again hmmmm