First post Introduction, hurt, confused, lost

[healingheart13]

Hello everyone!

I've been on this forum for about a year and half reading other people's posts and finally decided to join today for hopes that I stay away from my undiagnosed BPD ex-boyfriend.  We were together for 4 and half years.  I am a single mother of 2 children and my ex-husband abandoned his responsibilities of taking care of his children and hasn't seen, talked to, or paid child support in over 3 years.  My kids are 10 and 7.  I met my exBPDbf right after being separated and we've had an on again off again relationship for the last 4 and half years.  An emotional roller coaster.  There have been so many things over the last 4 and half years that I could write a book.  He has 5 children, 3 adult children and 2 that at 12 and 11.  He is a fire fighter and I am a school teacher.  Since September of last years things have been awful... .beyond awful  Long story... .get into that in another thread... .I should say we have lived in separate homes the entire relationship but I have longed to live together because the demands of doing this on my own have been wearing on me... .plus I believe I had a deep love for him.  He actually said he would move into my home to avoid foreclosure but walked away costing me about $7000, as he rents his home.  His youngest son was diagnosed with Aplastic Anemia and went a bone marrow transplant and is perfectly healthy now... .we went through that from may of 2014 until about March 2015 when he got a clean bill of health... .mind you he claims I wasn't there to support him at all when his son was ill, when I was there from the beginning until the end and sacrificed a lot but now I wasn't there at all... .I can get into that another time, as there is a lot to that story.  About 2 months ago he got physical with me and it was terrible.  I didn't call the police... .because he ended up punching himself in the face, put his fire department shirt on and most likely we both would've been arrested.  Needless, to say, I forgave him and stayed and blamed it on him being drunk.  A few days later his dad passed away and I was right beside him the whole time supporting him.  Recently, I suspected he was seeing someone behind my back... .but I couldn't prove it but his actions proved otherwise.  In the beginning of our relationship there have been instances where he was texting other woman and then again in the middle and then this past January where he crossed the line and actually had a woman over his house, which devastated me. So, dealing with these feelings all over again and having him project everything onto me, I ended up meeting my girlfriend out and had a few drinks and ended up getting a DUI about a month ago... .it's been awful and instead of him standing by me and supporting me he has turned his back on me... .leaving me to deal with this all on my own.  My home is about to be foreclosed on, my teaching career is onhold due to certification reasons... .and he is gone!  I'm crushed and have been trying to reach out to him only for him to either ignore me or him to say us getting together a few nights ago was a mistake.  I know I need to leave and be done for good.  I have so many other things to focus on now and I don't need his negativity surrounding me!  Why isn't this black and white for me? That he isn't for me or my children and has basically done nothing to support me or my children for almost 5 years ( I have supported myself the entire time... .he has not given me a dime).  I've just longed to be a family with him and am devastated that he can walk away without a care in the world and is making my current situation all about him.  We did have a good closure converstaion that ended bad bc I interrupted his speaking so that ended it... .but I showed up the next day and the conversation went better... .ending in hugs and a few small kisses and I later texted him and yesterday he sent a few texts telling me he has forgiven me and to take care... .I'm just confused as to why I would want to be with a person who is capable of such terrible things and is mentally ill?  When I think of him being with someone else I seriously lose my mind... .I have been in therapy bc of dealing with him and he has come to several appointments.  I'm lost... .sorry if this is confusing... .there are so many gaps here in the story just trying to get to the point.  Thanks for listening... .

[Pretty Woman]

I understand where you are coming from. Four years in an abusive relationship is a long time. You have been conditioned to this treatment and just as your ex splits off bad memories and events, so have you.

In 2013 my ex wrapped my hair around her fist and pulled me up a flight of stairs.  When we got to the top she threw a drying rack for laundry and my poor cats pissed all over in terror. I went to put my hands on her shoulders to calm her and she hocked and spit in my face.

Later she told me she almost head butted me.

Then she rocked on my couch complaining of "frontal lobe problems".

A week later she threatened ME with a RO and ran off to Minnesota to be with her ex only to call me a week later 56 times on her way from Minnesota back home.

Read what I am writing to you. Please read this and know you are not alone.

I took her back 2x after this and she just left me again last week for someone else. I am flying to Mexico for a dream vacation... .

Alone.

I am NC and in complete lock down this time. You need to break the cycle or it never ends and when violence is involved, and your children you need to get out of this. You will never be able to help this person. Stop putting him on a pedestal.  Take care of you!

PW

[klacey3]

Welcome to the forum. I am really sorry to hear about your suffering.

I agree with the above poster that you have been with this guy a long time so you have gotten used to this behaviour. Your ex before that doesn't sound too good either so perhaps you don't feel like you could have a nice relationship and thats why you stay in bad ones?

You do not deserve any of the bad things he has put you through. You seem to recognise he is abusive and you know it isnt healthy... it is good to recognise this.

I think keep on with the counselling, try no contact with him. It is the only way.

If ever you want to private message me feel free.

[Larmoyant]

Healingheart13, reading your story I'm shocked as we are leading parallel lives! Your relationship has been longer than mine, but the similarities are scary. Please know you are not alone and I can relate to everything you have written. Hang in there we will get through this.

[healingheart13]

Thank you all for your replies... .it really does help knowing I'm not alone... .pretty woman, I'm so sorry to hear what you've gone through... .but please enjoy your vacation... .clear your head and enjoy every second. Wish I could escape alone to clear my head. Klacey, thank you for reaching out... .I'd be happy to send you a message... .thank you! Actually my ex husband didn't treat me even close to as bad as my ex BPDbf... .he got mixed up in abusing prescription drugs. ! Larmoyant... .such similarities... .yes we will get through this and we deserve so much better.  He's already contacted me via text... .a pic of share a coke with bff and soulmate.