Concert aftermath, new beginnings and possible last post

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey guys.

To those who know my story, I've been planning to see my ex at a concert for a few months now, and that concert took place yesterday.

The crowd was huge, I can easily say there were at least 6000 people there (making it the 2nd largest concert I've attended after a 50,000 RHCP one), so I didn't see her, didn't even look much for her, and enjoyed the concert. Around halfway through I took out my phone and decided "what the hell, I'll text her"... .I wrote "Are you at Incubus?" (The band that was performing, it was her favorite one so I thought she'd show up), immediately got the early-signs of a panic attack (blood rushing to my head, anxiety, the overall feeling of distress), I saw she received the message but didn't wait a second , realized how much she affects (even if indirectly) my well being and mental health, and deleted the conversation, as well as her number off my phone (I have it written down in a drawer somewhere, just in case), and needless to say I went on to enjoy one of the best concerts I've been at.

Her profile picture also helped me move on A LOT quicker - while we were dating, one of the main things about her looks which I found REALLY attractive was her beautiful, shoulder-length strawberry-blonde hair (a type of red-hair)... .now, the girl looks like a poor-man's Ellen DeGeneres, which is a MAJOR turn-off... .I read somewhere that pwBPD often cut their hair as a form of self-harm, and she did get her hair cut substantially shorter a little while before we met, after she tried to commit suicide... .made me realize that I could do SO MUCH BETTER than her.

Currently - I'm almost 3 months out, and the r/s lasted for a little short of 4 months, she was my first girlfriend, first kiss, and I used to dream about finding "the one" who'd be worthy of being my "first everything" and it broke me when she took that away from me, but I will find someone who I'll call "the one", maybe not my first but my very best. Heck, I'm only 20, I have a new and fun job with great people, I have a band that's currently recording a debut demo CD, got back to working out... .why the heck would I want her back? I'm finally happy in my daily life.

I used to think that maybe we'll get to be friends someday, but I realize now that friends don't do what she did, and I'll never get a fraction of the empathy I'll put into that so-called "friendship", so while we were very close friends before we started dating, I don't think we'll talk ever again. Plus, knowing her, when she cuts people out it's usually FOR GOOD, and although it used to pain me - in retrospect I thank her for that, it let me heal that much quicker.

So guys, I think this'll be the last time I'll post here. I have learned so much, and now that I'm at the point of acceptance, I can put that darkness behind me and start a new leaf, this time hoping to find someone who would actually appreciate my effort and would love me back for WHO I AM, and not WHAT I AM (i.e : caretaker, babysitter, protector, parental-figure, etc).

I'd like to thank Mike-X, cosmonaut, 123Phoebe, RiverRat and countless others who have helped me so much with valuable information, sharing their own stories and reflecting upon my own, and I hope all of you guys will be able to someday put that darkness behind you as well, look back at it with a smile and in the words of Fall Out Boy say "Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great".

Bye guys, It's been a real pleasure knowing you all 

[Bassoutcast]

Hey guys.

To those who know my story, I've been planning to see my ex at a concert for a few months now, and that concert took place yesterday.

The crowd was huge, I can easily say there were at least 6000 people there (making it the 2nd largest concert I've attended after a 50,000 RHCP one), so I didn't see her, didn't even look much for her, and enjoyed the concert. Around halfway through I took out my phone and decided "what the hell, I'll text her"... .I wrote "Are you at Incubus?" (The band that was performing, it was her favorite one so I thought she'd show up), immediately got the early-signs of a panic attack (blood rushing to my head, anxiety, the overall feeling of distress), I saw she received the message but didn't wait a second , realized how much she affects (even if indirectly) my well being and mental health, and deleted the conversation, as well as her number off my phone (I have it written down in a drawer somewhere, just in case), and needless to say I went on to enjoy one of the best concerts I've been at.

Her profile picture also helped me move on A LOT quicker - while we were dating, one of the main things about her looks which I found REALLY attractive was her beautiful, shoulder-length strawberry-blonde hair (a type of red-hair)... .now, the girl looks like a poor-man's Ellen DeGeneres, which is a MAJOR turn-off... .I read somewhere that pwBPD often cut their hair as a form of self-harm, and she did get her hair cut substantially shorter a little while before we met, after she tried to commit suicide... .made me realize that I could do SO MUCH BETTER than her.

Currently - I'm almost 3 months out, and the r/s lasted for a little short of 4 months, she was my first girlfriend, first kiss, and I used to dream about finding "the one" who'd be worthy of being my "first everything" and it broke me when she took that away from me, but I will find someone who I'll call "the one", maybe not my first but my very best. Heck, I'm only 20, I have a new and fun job with great people, I have a band that's currently recording a debut demo CD, got back to working out... .why the heck would I want her back? I'm finally happy in my daily life.

I used to think that maybe we'll get to be friends someday, but I realize now that friends don't do what she did, and I'll never get a fraction of the empathy I'll put into that so-called "friendship", so while we were very close friends before we started dating, I don't think we'll talk ever again. Plus, knowing her, when she cuts people out it's usually FOR GOOD, and although it used to pain me - in retrospect I thank her for that, it let me heal that much quicker.

So guys, I think this'll be the last time I'll post here. I have learned so much, and now that I'm at the point of acceptance, I can put that darkness behind me and start a new leaf, this time hoping to find someone who would actually appreciate my effort and would love me back for WHO I AM, and not WHAT I AM (i.e : caretaker, babysitter, protector, parental-figure, etc).

I'd like to thank Mike-X, cosmonaut, 123Phoebe, RiverRat and countless others who have helped me so much with valuable information, sharing their own stories and reflecting upon my own, and I hope all of you guys will be able to someday put that darkness behind you as well, look back at it with a smile and in the words of Fall Out Boy say "Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great".

Bye guys, It's been a real pleasure knowing you all 

[cosmonaut]

Hey Bass, I'm both sorry to see you go and very happy for you.  You've made huge progress in the past few months.  I've seen the change.  You will indeed find someone new - someone very special.  Go find her!  She's out there.

Feel free to drop back in anytime if you want to let us know how you're doing in your healing.  You could post in the Dating and Healthy Relationships board too, if you want to fill us in on any dating in the future.

Take care and God bless!

[Bassoutcast]

Hey Bass, I'm both sorry to see you go and very happy for you.  You've made huge progress in the past few months.  I've seen the change.  You will indeed find someone new - someone very special.  Go find her!  She's out there.

Feel free to drop back in anytime if you want to let us know how you're doing in your healing.  You could post in the Dating and Healthy Relationships board too, if you want to fill us in on any dating in the future.

Take care and God bless!

Thanks.

I'm not rushing into a new r/s. I've been picky most of my life and somehow my ex made it through the "filter", but I still have a pretty unique taste when it comes to women, so I have no idea when the next one will come along.

There are some days I'm feeling lonely, I used to mistake that for missing my ex, but it's just me wanting to be in a relationship, and I guess since I've never had that with anyone but her - I made the mistake of thinking I miss HER. I hope a new and better girl will appear in my life soon, but I'm not pushing it.

I'll still post on other's threads from time to time. I think as someone who's been down the road it's somewhat of a "duty" for me to "return the favor" towards other who are in the same place I was a few months ago, or even worse, and provide my insight on the matter.

Thanks

[enlighten me]

Good for you bass.

Hopefully the lessons learnt here will help you stay out od trouble in the future and find the real one.

Good luck.

[Mike-X]

Hi Bassoutcast,

Glad to hear that you enjoyed the concert and that you are feeling strong and ready to move on. I have appreciated your posts and the exchanges that we have had.

Mike-X