Just got a text message from ex BF - he's playing with my mind - help please

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I just got a text from him here's what he says, literally : There's things I want to tell you and maybe you do too... .like finding it hard to feel bad if I think my GF is beautiful... .it's like you are used to guys telling you you are and feel that it's different, coming from me, I would have liked... .sometimes I tell myself that you like to charm other guys, but no need to charm me... .anyways... .sorry... .water Under the bridge... .kisses and good night.

And just like that, makes me feel like I am a sl... .that seeks every man's attention and I know I'm not like that at all, he's sick! I always tried to look good for him, and he always told me he liked that I took care of myself and liked the way I dress. And here I am feeling the need to justify myself in front of you

What do I do? I just can't begin to understand how twisted his mind is. I want him out of my life and I wish I had never met him

[Yolanda123]

I just got a text from him here's what he says, literally : There's things I want to tell you and maybe you do too... .like finding it hard to feel bad if I think my GF is beautiful... .it's like you are used to guys telling you you are and feel that it's different, coming from me, I would have liked... .sometimes I tell myself that you like to charm other guys, but no need to charm me... .anyways... .sorry... .water Under the bridge... .kisses and good night.

And just like that, makes me feel like I am a sl... .that seeks every man's attention and I know I'm not like that at all, he's sick! I always tried to look good for him, and he always told me he liked that I took care of myself and liked the way I dress. And here I am feeling the need to justify myself in front of you

What do I do? I just can't begin to understand how twisted his mind is. I want him out of my life and I wish I had never met him

[Yolanda123]

Like I constantly had to justify myself to him for things I had not done, it just makes me sick that he's still playing that game and that it makes me feel like I've done something wrong and that's the reason our r/s did not work... .

I know it's the disease but it's so twisted and disgusting

[Mr Hollande]

Are you truly done with him? Want to gain control over the situation and remove yourself further? I have two perhaps hard but simple recommendations.

1. Don't reply

2. Press delete.

It's a good place to start.

[DyingLove]

^^^^^^^^Mr Holland is CORRECT!  DELETE!  DON'T READ ANY MORE TEXTS EITHER.

[Yolanda123]

I am truly done with him.

Thank you Mr Holland and DyingLove - I'll do just that

[WhatJustHappened?]

Ignore it and delete. If it doesn't stop, consider blocking. He wants to get under your skin and get attention.

[enlighten me]

The way I read it is he thinks he wasnt good enough for you. He believes that his opinion didnt matter to you. He is pouring out self loathing and not trying to make you feel bad but to pity him and tell him he mattered.

[Yolanda123]

Thank you everyone for your advice and feedback. I did not reply to his text message and deleted. Two weeks ago I would have reassured him and told him I love him and that I’m not interested in any other guy and questioning myself so I guess it’s good progress for me.

But…This morning I had a message on my work voicemail. I know I should not have listened and just deleted also... .What pushes me to hope in my heart that there will be some closure in this confusion, but I know it’s just more and more verbal diarrhea to expect.

'I wanted to wish you good morning and good weekend… I thought you were great it's not true that it was not enough and I know you were doing extra efforts for our r/s to work... .you were extraordinary…but I need to get my life back on track and it's too bad it's happening when I had the most beautiful of all girlfriends in all my life. Take care of yourself and I hope we can talk again someday. Bye'.

He’s all sweet and caring and sensible (the personae I fell in love with) and just yesterday I was basically wanting to charm every man but him…last week there were just small details that made him unhappy…like me not waiting for him on the porch when he came to my place….like me not waking him up or hugging him EXACTLY the way he would have liked me to…there was a never ending string of small things that I did not do perfectly and that made the r/s so complicated and fragile in his eyes. And now I am great and he needs to get his life back on track.

Actually I think it helped to listen to the message - just one more proof of how fake, confused, self-centered and shallow he really is. And I won’t get closure.

Now I’m wondering should I acknowledge ok you need to get your life on track I understand and I wish you well in that, or just continue ignoring him? I’m afraid the ignoring totally will set him off. Any advice very welcome 

[Mutt]

Now I’m wondering should I acknowledge ok you need to get your life on track

I can understand how confusing all of this is. A pwBPD have feelings of worthlessness and there's a good chance he'll project if you say that there's something defective about him. Does he have a girlfriend?

[Yolanda123]

Hi Mutt, we just broke up one week ago so he does not have a girlfriend... .I'm wondering if I should validate what he said in his message that he needs to get his life back on track and can't be with me and tell him I understand and I wish him well... .I don't want to get back with him, I want out and I don't know if I should continue NC at all (he texted me last night and I did not reply) and then the message this morning, so I'm not sure if continuing to ignore him is the right thing to do for ME? Is he gonna get angry and want to get back at me if I ignore him? or ignoring his texts and messages is it really the best thing to do? Thank you for your input ... .I just want to be able to get over him without creating any drama... .with as least damage as possible... .?

[Mutt]

Hi Yolanda123,

I understand how we need to have closure and say good-bye. I don't think there's a right or wrong. I'd keep it short "Hope you get things sorted out. Best of luck"

I've read many posts and there are two camps. The lucky ones like myself are split black and their exSO don't generally try to contact. You may not hear from the for several months, years and sometimes decades.


I take it you're leaving him?  You're not split black you are split white. The reason why I ask if he has a girlfriend is because if he has an attachment. Some members their exSO keep trying to get in touch with them to get them back and try harder to attach.

Ignoring him is to stop the bleeding and eventually he'll move on. It's best to send him something short and go no contact and ignore everything for your sake if you're done.

[Yolanda123]

Thank you Mutt for the advice

I just ignored his text and voicemail. And then an hour ago I just got a text from him: 'I think it's too late to get back together... .I love you... .sorry... .really... .water Under the bridge... .bye sweetheart... .'

It feels so weird... .I can see he totally distorted the reality like it's him telling me we can't go back together,sorry, and I was the one saying it's over, he's been stalking me and texting and calling for a week with no reaction and no replies and now he's convinced himself that I would want to get back in the r/s and that HE gets to decide?

Wow that is real crazy. So glad crazy is out of my life.

[Mutt]

I can see how it's confusing. I read it as two different things. A pwBPD fear abandonment and rejection and he's projecting. Projection is taking a negative emotion or action and attributing that to someone else. He's really projecting your rejection of him.

I also think that he's saying he's forgiving you. If you look at his actions, he's texting and stalking you? If he said he's done then why is he following you and trying to keep you engaged? His actions tell a different story. He has a distorted belief system.

I think that it's a good idea that you're not responding to his messages. If you respond back it validates him that there's an emotional attachment. The goal is to lay low and act boring and detached. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Yolanda123]

Thank you Mutt that's very helpful ... .maybe I should not have replied to this last text but I did... .

Yes it's too late... .bye S... .

That was my way of keeping control of MY reality and to express how I put my love and honesty and trust in this person and was fooled and played with and that I made the decision for myself. And I honestly don't care how this text might affect/not affect him. This is not my problem anymore.

Hoping that this nightmare is over for good

Thank you so much everyone for reading and giving feedback, I think this experience would be much harder to go through without this support I get here   

[Mutt]

I see control as taking control of ourselves and our emptions with detaching and not giving that power back.

I get it. I had many angry exchanges by email with my ex after she left and it took time for me. I see it as a learning curve. Maybe you shouldn't have and I think it's Ok.

His reality is very different than yours. How someone interprets an event can be different from one person to the next? That said, reality is open to debate. How my ex filters reality is very real to her. BPD is ingrained in the persons personality and a personality is a very difficult thing to change.  I don't justify, attack, defend, explain ( JADE ) my reality because I know what transpired. I know my truth. If she's convinced the sky is red I can't control that.

If I have divisive exchanges about how her version of reality is wrong it telegraphs an emotional attachment. I'm giving her attention. I don't give her that power by controlling how I react to her. I'm not saying you're going back and forth with him and it does give him a chance to blame, attack or defend.


Hang in there.


----Mutt

[Yolanda123]

I understand. That was in my mind the last time I replied to him, like closure for me. If he tries to get in touch again, I will definitely ignore.