Grandfather in need of guidance

[Concerned Grandfather]

My grandchildren have a parent who I believe has been diagnosed with BPD.  (Ten years ago Her father told me she was diagnosed with BPD.  I did not know what it was until recently when things started to get confusing for my grandchildren)  They are in a broken home with shared custody between both parents.  My three grandsons are beginning to show what I call "survival" behavior.  They are saying what needs to be said to avoid conflict. Things like:  "Yes mommy, I hate dad's girlfriend".  "I hate the child of dad's girlfriend".  One said to her, "mommy', dad's girlfriend is nice".  The response was; "you better tell me the truth or I will call the police and tell them that dad is making you lie".  This woman is a nice woman, but her behavior can be described as mean, vindictive  and emotionally abusive.  I am sure this behavior is due to her mental illness. However, I need help in helping my grandchildren cope with their mother's BPD, which she is not seeking treatment.  If this post confuses the reader, I apologize, but that is how confused I am.  Thanks to anyone who can offer any guidance or direction to help me support my grandchildren while keeping both parents in their lives.-

[Kwamina]

Hi Concerned Grandfather

Welcome to bpdfamily  I am sorry to hear that your grandchildren's mother has BPD. Do you know if she has ever received any kind of treatment or therapy for her issues?

Though you are their grandfather, it seems you are facing similar problems as many people on the Co-parenting board. I think you might benefit from some of the resources they use on that board. I've selected a few that I think are particularly relevant here:

What to Tell the Kids About a High-Conflict Co-Parent

Child Development and Parents with Mental Illness

When a Parent Has a Mental Illness: From Risk to Resiliency--Protective Factors for Children

I hope these resources can be of some help to you.

Take care