It's not worth it

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I never thought I would be back here.  This page was my home for a long time last year and I really thought I had moved on (this is a new username).  I was seeing other women, making positive changes for myself, and enjoying a happy life.  Then she came back.  She told me she had changed.  She was in therapy and she realized how irrational her behavior was when we were together.  And I bought into it. 

Things were amazing at first.  All of the good was there and none of the bad.  She wouldn't rage.  There weren't any silent treatments, hanging up the phone mid-conversation, or any of her repeated forms of abuse.  Most of my friends and family did not support me being back with her.  A few did.  But I didn't care either way - I was in denial of her disorder and I thought I had found "the one". 

We planned several things for ourselves and to show our friends and family that we were a healthy couple.  A party, a trip, social outings, and just calm, happy times between us.  So right when things were getting a little too good she lost it.  She went into several all-out rages of jealousy, screaming, and physical attacks.  But I responded differently than our past relationship.  Rather than throwing myself at her, begging, saying anything to make her calm down, I simply disengaged.  She didn't like that.  Hundreds of texts to my phone.  Hanging up mid-conversation again and then sending even more texts.  Like many pwBPD, she was not capable of having a conversation when dysregulated, so she would hang up and fire off text message after text message. 

The thing about pwBPD is that they need to live in chaos.  I used to be at a difficult part of my life where I fed right into that.  At this point in the relationship I would not have it.  I knew I couldn't end it with her, as she would become enraged, so I waited for her to end it with me.  And for the first time in our relationship, in the past or at that point, I didn't argue.  I simply said "Okay," and said goodbye. 

Since that point she has taken action to make my life beyond difficult.  It's made me realize that if a person really wants to, they can have devastating effects on another's life.  This is what I've learned: It's not worth it.  And it's not real.  A relationship with a pwBPD may bring you to incredible highs, but the lows are simply not worth it. 

[HurtTwice]

I never thought I would be back here.  This page was my home for a long time last year and I really thought I had moved on (this is a new username).  I was seeing other women, making positive changes for myself, and enjoying a happy life.  Then she came back.  She told me she had changed.  She was in therapy and she realized how irrational her behavior was when we were together.  And I bought into it. 

Things were amazing at first.  All of the good was there and none of the bad.  She wouldn't rage.  There weren't any silent treatments, hanging up the phone mid-conversation, or any of her repeated forms of abuse.  Most of my friends and family did not support me being back with her.  A few did.  But I didn't care either way - I was in denial of her disorder and I thought I had found "the one". 

We planned several things for ourselves and to show our friends and family that we were a healthy couple.  A party, a trip, social outings, and just calm, happy times between us.  So right when things were getting a little too good she lost it.  She went into several all-out rages of jealousy, screaming, and physical attacks.  But I responded differently than our past relationship.  Rather than throwing myself at her, begging, saying anything to make her calm down, I simply disengaged.  She didn't like that.  Hundreds of texts to my phone.  Hanging up mid-conversation again and then sending even more texts.  Like many pwBPD, she was not capable of having a conversation when dysregulated, so she would hang up and fire off text message after text message. 

The thing about pwBPD is that they need to live in chaos.  I used to be at a difficult part of my life where I fed right into that.  At this point in the relationship I would not have it.  I knew I couldn't end it with her, as she would become enraged, so I waited for her to end it with me.  And for the first time in our relationship, in the past or at that point, I didn't argue.  I simply said "Okay," and said goodbye. 

Since that point she has taken action to make my life beyond difficult.  It's made me realize that if a person really wants to, they can have devastating effects on another's life.  This is what I've learned: It's not worth it.  And it's not real.  A relationship with a pwBPD may bring you to incredible highs, but the lows are simply not worth it. 

[ZeusRLX]

Yes, chaos and change, that's what they thrive on.

Was she really in therapy or did she just make that up to pull you back in?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

 

Since that point she has taken action to make my life beyond difficult.  It's made me realize that if a person really wants to, they can have devastating effects on another's life.  This is what I've learned: It's not worth it.  And it's not real.  A relationship with a pwBPD may bring you to incredible highs, but the lows are simply not worth it.  

I am learning this same,  very painful lesson:  the effects can be devastating.   I thought that since my kids didn't meet my ex that somehow I could insulate them from his troubled behavior.   Never-ending I was losing myself in the process which,  of course,  was not good for my kids.   But once the stalking began,  everyone's life was affected.   My daughter has paid the biggest price of all.   No r/s was worth this pain,  this suffering,  this damage.

Congrats on knowing it sooner this time and getting the hell out of there!    

[HurtTwice]

Zeus - She was in fact in therapy.  But I realized that she was trying so hard to suppress all the anger and rage inside of her.  Jealousy over other women that were no threat in the slightest.  She wanted so badly to be normal, and I thought it was real.  When it all blew up, it was worse than anything I'd seen yet.

[ZeusRLX]

Zeus - She was in fact in therapy.  But I realized that she was trying so hard to suppress all the anger and rage inside of her.  Jealousy over other women that were no threat in the slightest.  She wanted so badly to be normal, and I thought it was real.  When it all blew up, it was worse than anything I'd seen yet.

I see so she really was in therapy and she really believed she was better so she easily sold you on it... .and then it all came crashing down... .

It's so difficult not to believe them because they sincerely believe it themselves when they say it, that's what makes them so dangerous/irresistible... .

[ZeusRLX]

HurtBefore, is this your first involvement with a borderline woman? Have you been in other non BPD relationships before?

[HurtTwice]

Yes, this was my first BPD involvement. Prior to this I'd had many healthy relationships in my life.  I met her after coming out of a very difficult period in my life. 

This time when I let her walk away because I was more self-aware she had me arrested on supposed DV charges so she could punish me.  Nothing came of it but I paid a hefty price in legal fees.

[ZeusRLX]

Yes, this was my first BPD involvement. Prior to this I'd had many healthy relationships in my life.  I met her after coming out of a very difficult period in my life. 

I see. What do you think it was about her that attracted you? Was it the usual fairy tale soulmate thing that happened to most of us?

This time when I let her walk away because I was more self-aware she had me arrested on supposed DV charges so she could punish me.  Nothing came of it but I paid a hefty price in legal fees.

Wow, I've never had to deal with any situations where legal fees or law enforcement were involved, that certainly takes it to another level. Were there any red flags that she was capable of things like that earlier on?

[FannyB]

Yes, chaos and change, that's what they thrive on.

Was she really in therapy or did she just make that up to pull you back in?

Yes Zeus - they need 'chaos and change' as an antidote to the emptiness inside. Unfortunately they can cope with neither without going into emotional meltdown! What a fooked up disorder it truly is! 

[FannyB]

I knew I couldn't end it with her, as she would become enraged, so I waited for her to end it with me.  And for the first time in our relationship, in the past or at that point, I didn't argue.  I simply said "Okay," and said goodbye. 

HurtTwice

Exactly how mine played out mate. I was counting down the days until she ended it because I knew she couldn't handle it if I did.   Fortunately I didn't have to deal with a toxic aftermath like you did.   Like yours, I really believe mine was trying to battle her illogical impulses - but they are simply overwhelming for a pwBPD.

[cj488]

Thank you, Hurt Twice. Very good to read this as my ex-BPD gf is now sending out feelers toward me, and I must work with her as a colleague for a few weeks soon, in group setting, not directly, fortunately. Yeah, it was fairy-tale, soul-mate all the way. I'm still so traumatized by it. It's been 8 months, but it still bothers my sleep even now.