A letter, a last goodbye

[Bassoutcast]

Hey guys.

I know I said I'll probably won't post here anymore but I just wanted to get the last things out of my mind, and truly and fully let go. Plus, I'm a bit concerned she might be reading this site (somehow I suspect it), and if I could send it to her I would, but I won't b/c it won't help. so here goes:





Dear BPDexgf.

I'm writing this letter with the last drops of care I have for you, and I'll try to keep it clean.

I still can't believe you just walked out on me like nothing. I trusted you, I gave you my heart, my first kiss, put myself aside and held you tight. I fell in-love with you at your lowest point, and was so proud of your progress, I did it all just because I loved  you so much, but it didn't matter.

When I needed your help the most, you walked out on me. My parents were divorcing, did you have any idea how hard I tried to keep my levels of stress bottled up and focus on YOU? you were my one light of hope, my happiness, you told me you'd never give up on me and that you want to live with me, marry me and grow old together. When we were breaking up you told me that you never put effort into anything up until this r/s - no, my dear, INCLUDING this r/s. You only wanted the highs, the happy times, wanted me to be there for you, not the other way around - it's NEVER like that, no matter if it's family, friends or a partner, people fight, people cry, but people learn and forgive, that's what friendship is, that's what love is - it's the ability to put it all behind and say "I love you"

And I did. I forgive you for everything you put me through. I've been crushed so hard, left broken. You knew I had a hard time trusting people b/c of my past and that I had this immense fear of abandonment - I told you this while I was crying in your embrace, but you didn't care. All of our argument were b/c our plans to see each other got canceled - did you ever even stop to consider that maybe I needed you by my side that time? that maybe the fact that I got into drinking and got more aggressive was do to the fact that MY LIFE WAS BREAKING INTO PIECES? I bet you didn't... .but I still forgive you.

I had a million reasons to walk out, and dealing with a clinically depressed, borderline and suicidal girlfriend is NOT A WALK IN THE PARK, but I stayed, I loved you despite all of that, because you were perfect in my eyes, and when you looked me dead-serious in the eyes and told me "I am mentally ill" I chose to put that aside because I couldn't believe my precious flower had that, and that I could make you happy... .and you were, you were smiling all the time... .and if you haven't pushed me out and refused my attempts to contact you - I'd gladly do it again, because that is what unconditional love is.

There is so much more I'd love to tell you, but I think it won't matter. I don't know why I care anymore, I really don't, but I just want to please ask you to GO THROUGH THERAPY. Not for me, but for YOU, your family, friends and perhaps future partners. You don't SEE you are HURTING PEOPLE SO MUCH. Dear, the world ISN'T against you, and it's IMPOSSIBLE that EVERYONE is to blame but you - you have to consider this.

As always, know that I'll be there for you, even in the distant future, I'm your friend, and I'll gladly support you through anything, because that's what friends do... .and if keeping my distance forever is what you need to heal, I'll do that, and I wish you the best in all that you'll do. You are a talented artist and I know you'll make it, I believe in you.


Goodbye, and good luck.

Bass.

[Invictus01]

Unfortunately dude, she doesn't give a $hit about any of this. Empty words to her. You are trying to talk sense into senseless.

[Bassoutcast]

Unfortunately dude, she doesn't give a $hit about any of this. Empty words to her. You are trying to talk sense into senseless.

That's the reason I didn't send it to her, not going to either.

Just wanted to put it out there, I needed an outlet

[Pretty Woman]

Bass,

   I love it. In fact, I might post my own later today for closure I did not receive.

I am really glad you posted it here at BPD Family.  I agree with the above poster, sending it is fruitless. I did that and I did receive something back... .

it's called a Restraining Order.   

Which hurt worse than pouring my heart out.

And I actually took her back after that... .twice.

Be good to yourself. Journaling and Therapy does help!

PW

[Bassoutcast]

Bass,

   I love it. In fact, I might post my own later today for closure I did not receive.

I am really glad you posted it here at BPD Family.  I agree with the above poster, sending it is fruitless. I did that and I did receive something back... .

it's called a Restraining Order.   

Which hurt worse than pouring my heart out.

And I actually took her back after that... .twice.

Be good to yourself. Journaling and Therapy does help!

PW

Wow, a restraining order, that's lovely. wouldn't want a police record for "harassment", that's for sure.

My sister told me she saw her today at the national LGBT Pride parade, though she's not sure if it was her or her twin... .and she was with a guy (my sister said he "looked gay", skinny and colored hair). She DID tell me she's pan-sexual so who knows... .I find it amusing she changed so drastically in the 3 months that passed since our separation... .

I thought about it and things she said she did when I met her weren't present during the r/s - for example, when I first met her and I asked her if she was a drinker, she said "Oh yeah, big time" *gesturing bottle chugging with her hand*, but on our 3 month anniversary we sat down for a drink and she said she "usually doesn't do that, maybe one beer a month with her dad"... .inconsistencies EVERYWHERE.

When she was dating me early on she wore colorful clothes, and as time passed wore mostly black shirts and tight jeans, and took on a more "rocker" attire to match my dresser (I saw a bunch of clothes at her place and found it curios as to why she always wears the same 3 T-shirts but never bothered to ask). At first she putting her hair behind her ears and leaving it in it's natural, curly-ish form, but when she found out my tastes she really began straightening it daily, putting on heavy eyeliner and even took up the guitar after a few weeks of dating... .she really did her best to try and mirror me... .

Please do post your own, I'd love to hear it. I'm at a point of acceptance and the only time I feel like I "miss her" is when I feel lonely, but as I've said before I know it's only b/c she was my first and only girlfriend and I mistake my craving for a r/s with craving HER specifically... .at least I now have the knowledge to talk myself out of those situations and go about my daily life.

[WhatJustHappened?]

So I take it the general consensus is that sending a letter is a bad idea? I really want to... .more for me than her.

[Bassoutcast]

So I take it the general consensus is that sending a letter is a bad idea? I really want to... .more for me than her.

You should know that being painted black is like being arrested - you have the right to remain silent and everything you say might (and will) be used against you.

It'll only make it worse. Posting a letter is alright because you do share ypur emotions and get feedback, something your BPD can't provide. You can't reason with someone unreasonable.

[Pretty Woman]

Whatjusthappened,

  If you want to send a letter, post it here and we will read it. Anything you do after the "break up" will be used against you in many ways... .weather to smear you as a "stalker" or encourage a restraining order.

This isn't a "normal" break up by any means. Don't do this to yourself. Trust me. Been there.

[WhereToBegin]

I have written so many similar letters. 

For me personally, I always told myself I was sending if for me - not him.  But in the end, I was sending it based on some (in my case) silly, irrational hope that THIS might be the time I said the right thing to get through to him.  That if I just explained myself better ... .and let him know how much I loved him ... .and accepted him for him ... .that THIS might be the time we could make it.  I can't speak for you, but I know that is what I was hoping, even though it took me a while to admit that to myself.  But this break-up, 4th in 5 years, I am still writing them (they are VERY therapeutic for me) ... .but not sending them.  Best of luck!

[Bassoutcast]

I have written so many similar letters. 

For me personally, I always told myself I was sending if for me - not him.  But in the end, I was sending it based on some (in my case) silly, irrational hope that THIS might be the time I said the right thing to get through to him.  That if I just explained myself better ... .and let him know how much I loved him ... .and accepted him for him ... .that THIS might be the time we could make it.  I can't speak for you, but I know that is what I was hoping, even though it took me a while to admit that to myself.  But this break-up, 4th in 5 years, I am still writing them (they are VERY therapeutic for me) ... .but not sending them.  Best of luck!

When you say 4th break-up, how long did it usually take for your ex to come back? what drew him/her closer?

[Infared]

Here is my good-bye phone message after a drive-bye.  (she living with replacement at time).

I dismissed her at the drive-bye... .as she drove by 4 times then pulled in.  I asked if she was still with replacement ... .she said yes. I said GOOD BYE firmly and she drove off.  I then (unfortunately)  thought I had been mean ... .and called her. It was my last conversation with her at which time she asked "will you take a walk with me? It won't change anything."  I said on those terms... .that I certainly would not.  :)uring the conversation she mentioned (I guess referring to her cheating, lying to me and abandoning me) that "Well... .different people handle situations differently... ."   Um... yeah... I guess they do.  What the heck? I ended the conversation... .it was quite ugly.

So after that horrible conversation... .I met with my therapist and then thought long and hard about all of this... and about "loving ME".

I sent her the following phone message... .and they were and will be the last words that I ever say/said to her:

"There is something you said the other day when we talked on the phone that really really bothered me and I just cannot let it go.  You said that "different people handle situations differently"... .and you know what... you are right... ... Some people handle situations with selfishness lies and deceit... .and some people handle situations with consideration,  dignity, honor and honesty. I know which person I am... .Which one are you? Perhaps someday G (boyfriend before me that she cheated on multiple times and abandoned), C (my replacement) and myself can all get together and have a conversation about you character, or lack there-of.  You know "name"... .you can't love anybody else until you love yourself... and after all of the life that we share together and all that I have been through, for you to just stop by my house and then on the phone to suggest that I take a walk with you, that it won't change anything is just so selfish, arrogant and downright cruel.  Ya know... .you are not the person that I thought you were at all "name", not even close.  So you have a nice life out there... (this final line almost stuck in my throat... .but I got it out firmly) ... .STAY OUT OF MINE."

I have not and will not ever speak to her again.  

She did not attempt to contact me for years... .but does occasionally.  I never respond... .or avoid her if it is in person.   I protect me from a predator...

I could not have stopped the insanity without therapy.  It was the hardest thing that I ever did. Bar none.