ExBPDgf is a colleague, how to manage this?

[cj488]

My story is the same as most everyone's here, except that my exBPDgf is also a work colleague in a project we must soon do together in a larger team for a few weeks - fulltime. Last year it was the typical BPD love at 100mph, then distancing, then devaluing and demonizing, then she's immediately into a rebound rs, then not a word. Haven't had to see her in half a year, but must see her this one last time, intensively. Any form of antagonism could affect the status in the organization for both us, should the relationship be exposed. She was vengeful and hurtful before, but not a peep from her in half a year. Now we both know this is coming. Advice?

[Take2]

Hi CJ488... .  tread very lightly is very important.  Be 100% professional with her and do not waiver.  PERIOD. 

I work with my exuBPDbf as well.  We are in the same dept and at times are in the same meetings.  We (ie he) broke up and got back together so many times it's truly sad.  It became an extremely emotionally and verbally abusive relationship.

It didn't fully stop until about 2 months ago when someone finally reported him to HR.  I just spoke to that person this week and she let me know that she was afraid for me and also upset that he (my ex) had told her a lie (that I was sleeping with his boss) - she didn't want my reputation ruined.  She didn't want him to hurt me.  So we were each called into HR separately.

I did find out the lies he was spreading about me at work - all the justify his hideous treatment of me. 

I allowed myself to tolerate insanely awful treatment.  And I still miss him!  Yeah.  I'm in therapy! 

Anyway - point being - it ended (all contact) when he realized he was about to get fired.  He had already painted me as black as night for the 10,000th time - but my guess is that he now truly thinks we are all just out to get him.

That thought is just incredibly sad to me as it confirms how incredibly tight he holds to his delusions.

But all that said to tell you - if you don't say absolutely calm and professional ALWAYS - no matter WHAT your ex says or does, it can go horribly horribly wrong.  Yes, everyone believes me - because my ex is VERY obviously angry and dangerous at times.  But I did myself NO favors.  I was a mess and I allowed it to go on for years.

Be strong.  Believe in yourself.  And show everyone what you are capable of in your work.

Rooting for ya!   

[cj488]

Thanks Take2. Good to have someone rooting for me. We've been No-Contact for half a year, so I don't really know what she has in store for these weeks. Hopefully, we'll both just get through it with a minimum of interaction, but I don't trust her at all. She painted me black outside work in the worst way, etc last year. I feel like the frog with the scorpion. She might even sabotage her own work there just for spite, revenge, or as the scorpion said as it sank to the bottom with the dying frog, "It's in my nature." You're right. Calm, calm, calm and professional, no matter what comes. Thanks.

[Billygoat]

How would I manage it?

I'd change jobs

[Take2]

How would I manage it?

I'd change jobs

This is the most healthy response without a doubt.  Not always as easy to do but without a doubt the healthiest way to end all possible contact.  

But sounds like cj488 doesn't see his ex very often at work?  and may not be quite possible to switch jobs prior to this project.

CJ, I agree that at least based on knowing my ex, attempts to sabotage your work may be something she considers so just do your job, do everything exactly as you are supposed, do not engage with her period unless it's work related... .and you will be okay... .post on here, vent to friends, do whatever you need to do except engage with her on anything other than work related items... . do not give her any ammunition to use against you... . 

[Take2]

How would I manage it?

I'd change jobs

This is the most healthy response without a doubt.  Not always as easy to do but without a doubt the healthiest way to end all possible contact. 

But sounds like cj488 doesn't see his ex very often at work?  and may not be quite possible to switch jobs prior to this project.

CJ, I agree that at least based on knowing my ex, attempts to sabotage your work may be something she considers so just do your job, do everything exactly as you are supposed, do not engage with her period unless it's work related... .and you will be okay... .post on here, vent to friends, do whatever you need to do except engage with her on anything other than work related items... .  do not give her any ammunition to use against you... . 

[cj488]

Changing jobs is not an option, as this is a long-term career and I'm in a senior position (she's not). We are based at different offices and it's unlikely we'll have to work together again, so this one last few weeks project should be the end of any contact with her.

Thank you. Yes, I'll vent to anyone but her and our colleagues. Will be a challenge, as I'm not afraid to confront anyone, but in this case it would only likely blow up in everyone's face. Worst of all, mine.

[Take2]

So how's the project going CJ?

Hope smoother than anticipated!

[cj488]

Thanks, Take2, but we haven't yet restarted the project yet. Will be mid-August. Feeling very good myself, but wary of her. Will be strange to intensively work with her (exBPDgf), while keeping our horrific history from the team project. She's very unpredictable, so I must be ready for any eventuality. Even being unemployed, should it come to that. That would not benefit her, so I'm guessing she'll remain in check. Gonna be strange. Just thinking how good it's gonna feel when I never have to see her again. Amen! 

[cj488]

Okay, so it's finally come down to just a week before I see my exBPDgf, and we must work together for two weeks. She knows and I know, it's coming soon. It's been over 9 months since we've seen each other.

And now my hardline is receiving mysterious ring-hangups. "Unidentified caller." Before I met her, I don't think I ever had that happen more than once a year. After I met her, it's probably been 20-30 times at least? I can only assume it's her. She left, she crushed my heart, she ended the relationship, she never responded to my last emails last year. What does she want now? Why does she ring and hangup? We'll see each other in a week anyway. BPD is mysterious and frightening.

[cj488]

Well, she did it. Told the boss all about our relationship on the second to last day of the project. I was expelled immediately. She sank her own boat, as I have all her seductive emails promising me "undying love" and much more. Told my story, and so far they accept it. I have no idea why she would be so self-destructive? She could have just ridden out the last days, and then we'd never see each other again, her career and mine would not be affected. BPD is so incomprehensible! After they read her emails, it seems I may get a slap on the wrist - maybe worse (I don't know), but she'll probably never be promoted. She sank her own boat for nothing. Revenge, I suppose. Bizarre.

[Take2]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation CJ.  I hope you can check in and let us know how you are doing.

I responded to your private message as well and you can contact me there if you want.  Keep your head up - and stay away from her.  You can get thru this... .

[ReneeMurphy523]

I'm sorry to hear about that CJ.  I can't believe she tried to throw you under the bus like that?  For what?  I suppose she couldn't handle that you could work with her professionally and stay composed and not let any emotions get involved.  Maybe she took that personally, flipped out, and then had to hurt you?  Who knows.  What a horrible thing to do.

I used to work with my BPDex bf too.  We sat right next to each other, and he would not leave me alone.  Even though he broke up with me?  I asked him nicely several times to leave me alone so I can heal and move one (I don't think that is what he wanted to here), but he would not listen.  I had to block him from everything, and he got upset about that then resorted to work chat to upset me about personal things at work.  He even used his position to try and intimidate me into talking to him.  His position was not one of authority even, he just thought it was.  So delusoinal :-/  I took screen shots of his chats and had to go to HR.  I told them it was not my goal to get him in trouble, but I just wanted to move far away from him.  They moved my desk, and I was at least a little relieved that they were aware of the issue.  I still had to leave the job though, because I could not cope with it.

Take2 that is awesome that one of your co-workers went to HR on your behalf!  There are really not enough people who stand up for others, but I can see why alot of people don't-they don't want to put themselves in the middle/get involved.

Hang in there CJ, I think a lot of people see the truth more than we realize, and if they don't see it now, they will in due time.

Even though I am no longer at my old job, I never hang out with old co-workers even though I want to, cause my ex BPD bf is always at their parties.  It's still also hard to see that he has new work friends that have no idea what a POS he is.  And I have a suspicion, that he could be seeing another co-worker now, but that is unfounded and I can't say for sure, but I  wouldn't put it past him.  He has no ethics or morals really.

It's just always shocking when people intentionally hurt and sabotage others.  Fingers crossed everything works out okay for you!

[Take2]

ReneeMurphy523... .  you know, it still continues to shock me too how truly manipulative and deceptive my ex is. 

My ex just quit a couple weeks ago.  He had reached out to me trying to provoke me days before he gave his notice.  I didn't understand why he reached out, but I could tell he was trying to provoke me.  When I found out he had put in his two week notice, I immediately voiced my concern to my manager that he would try and do something before he left.  I know my manager probably thought I was just being paranoid (he doesn't know the full story) - but I was right and my ex showed his cards.  Last week my he got into a yelling argument with his boss and then whipped out his cell phone and started to film his boss when his boss yelled back at him.  Yikes.  Needless to say, my ex was asked to leave that day.  Thank God I was out of the office that week.

You know, as I even type this right now, I'm getting paranoid.  The fact that he filmed his boss - he set the guy up.

On purpose.  To get him to react so he could film it.  My ex may have quit but I still think he's going to sue the company.

God I hope not.  I'm sick at the thought of it.  I have been out of his life but I will get pulled back in if he files suit over his delusions.  It's mind boggling to think about.  He tried to set ME up too - by reaching out the week prior.

I just can't stomach how truly cruel he is and that he's trying to still ruin my life and those around him all based on delusions!

I hope he can just move on in his new life and be a closed chapter in my life now.  My fears about him still linger big time.


CJ488... .  still hoping for the same thing for you.  That things have calmed down and that you and your job are okay... .

[cj488]

Just one last step in the incomprehensible world of a borderline! If she had just remained mum for a few more days, we'd have probably never seen each other again. She subtly tried to pull me in again, and when I didn't (couldn't) respond, she blew the whistle on our relationship last year to our superiors, sinking her own boat in the process. Very self-destructive. I'm completely bewildered, but then again the suicide rate is very high among borderlines, so I shouldn't be surprised that she committed career suicide just to get back at her abusers from childhood (projected onto me). Pointless, senseless, meaningless. Professionally, I'll recover from this, but she won't likely, at least not with this organization. And even after this, I still feel an overwhelming love and sympathy for her - I never thought of myself as some kind of masochist, but I'm now wondering?

[ReneeMurphy523]

Take 2---Uggghhhhh the paranoia sucks, but it is soo real, and usually right, and you knew!  You knew that he was going to act up.  It's just is hard when you try and warn people and they think you are being over reactive or too sensitive, or you maybe even ignore your own gut and think you are the one being crazy.  As we all know the gut is usually right, even if there is no proof or evident facts.

cj488, I am glad you are doing okay, and it seems she really just made herself look bad.  I still feel bad for my ex BPD bf sometimes, due to his ongoing pain and childhood abandonment issues, but it doesn't excuse how he treated me and others.  Cause there are people who had just as traumatic things happen and they choose not to act that way.  In this life, empathy is a great quality and is very much admired, but we all still need to look out for ourselves and put our well-being first.  You have empathy which is great!  I guess I can say objectively just have that quality but keep you boundaries.  Clearly not something I am always an expert at, though :-/

It's a struggle though-I broke up with my ex BPD bf a month ago, after he recycled me.  He has now moved on to another co-worker.  In under a month!

When I worked there I had to report him to HR for harassing me at work while I was still employed there.  This has all been in less than a year.  His wrecklessness is quite astounding.  It's like he did not learn anything, at all.  I knew he would find another replacement fast, but I REALLY did not think it would be another co-worker.  Not to put her down, because she is a nice, attractive, smart girl, but he sucked her in, just because she is there.   He needs someone there. I hope he gets what is coming for using people like that.  It's just not okay :-(

[.cup.car]

I can't imagine how awful it is to work with one of these girls.

I kinda know how crazy women can be at work though.

Back in December we hired a girl a few years younger than me, same age as my ex. For whatever reason, we got along great off the bat and she asked me out to a movie. The only other option was sitting at home in my undies stuffing my face with Doritos, so I had no problem going with her. The night went fine. She seemed into me and started going on about watching movies together & going to parties and a bunch of other stuff. I couldn't care less but kept chatting with her anyway cause she came across as a really nice girl and there was no reason not to.

People at work started to joke that we were dating. Other co-workers noticed she was extremely giddy around me and suggested for me to formally ask her out. I didn't play along and made an effort to be all "man, we went out once and we text sometimes. That's it." At this point, my assistant manager, who went to high school with her, pulled me aside and genuinely warned me about her. From what I remember of that convo: "she'll say she hates someone one day and get everyone against them, then the next day be friends with them again and ask why people are trying to start drama."

Couple weeks later she abruptly changed shifts and started sleeping with a guy on the night shift. They made this incredibly obvious to anybody with a pulse. By the end of January, so we're talking a full month after we'd gone out and nothing had happened between us, her new boy toy shows up early, pulls me aside, and tells me to apologize to his girlfriend and leave her alone because I was "creeping her out." The last thing I sent her was "oh man, how'd you manage a flat tire AND have your car window smashed?"  

Instead of telling me a story of how it got smashed when she was out with her boyfriend, she instead played the harassment card so she didn't have to say she'd been at our workplace six weeks and was now on guy #2 when guy #1 (me) refused to play ball.

I go to management because I've just been humiliated in front of a bunch of coworkers and not entirely sure what happened to warrant those awkward confrontations. Management is equally confused but sides with me given my positive reputation and the experiences my buddy had with her in high school. One guy who wasn't even involved agreed to take the fall for everything as it's easier than pointing the finger at the girl for starting needless drama.

The girl's boyfriend apologized to me the next day and he's been a great guy to work with ever since. She refused to talk to me until she quit five months later. Never worked with anyone who made a tangible effort to pretend as if I wasn't there. Was genuinely afraid to be in the same room as her during the final weeks she worked with us. Lots of days I left work really upset because there were times we'd be riding in a car together and she'd just talk over me as if I wasn't even occupying the seat next to her. Just strange.

Not entirely sure why she's the first result when I type the first letter of her name on Facebook into the search bar. Never even looked at her profile.

The kicker? Her and my ex were friends in middle school. By the time she left, she was on guy #3 away from work and working on a new hire as guy #4.

[Take2]

My ex flat out acted like I wasn't there either. This was after five years of ups and downs and the most intense relationship ever. He'd walk the other way if I was coming. No matter how absurdly obvious to all. All over HIS delusions that were totally wrong. He tried to frame me tried to set me up. He tried to set his boss up. He tried to pull me back in just two weeks ago ! And yet he just bought a new house with someone he never mentioned ! 

And yet as truly disgusted disturbed and afraid of him that I am... .   I too still feel that care for him and feel what feels like love for him. Less so than before thank god. But it's still there too

So over the past year I've been treating with a therapist who actually got it. He got that I became literally addicted to the relationship. That I have PTSD. That I have hard core trauma bonds. We were just about to start EMDR therapy next week. But his office called me last night to tell me that he commit suicide a couple days ago. He understood my pain. He had lived it. I don't think with a borderline. But he'd had a history of sex/love addiction. It KILLS me to think of the painHE was in and I didn't know.

It kills me that HE didn't overcome his issues. He was in practice for a decade. He had trained with Pia Melody.

It doesn't give me much hope at the moment.

:'(

[oor_wullie]

Just one last step in the incomprehensible world of a borderline! If she had just remained mum for a few more days, we'd have probably never seen each other again. She subtly tried to pull me in again, and when I didn't (couldn't) respond, she blew the whistle on our relationship last year to our superiors, sinking her own boat in the process. Very self-destructive. I'm completely bewildered, but then again the suicide rate is very high among borderlines, so I shouldn't be surprised that she committed career suicide just to get back at her abusers from childhood (projected onto me). Pointless, senseless, meaningless. Professionally, I'll recover from this, but she won't likely, at least not with this organization. And even after this, I still feel an overwhelming love and sympathy for her - I never thought of myself as some kind of masochist, but I'm now wondering?

i think you answered your own question. she tried, subtly, to pull you back in. when you didn't bite, she exploded.

was there a way for her to not get involved in this project? any way at all? maybe call in sick, or claim extenuating circs? even if she took a small career hit, could she have avoided working with you and not get fired? if she could have avoided it, and she didn't, then it sounds like this may have been part of a recycle.

maybe it just happened by accident that she got involved with this thing, and she just took it as a sign. you spent a lot of time beforehand fixating on the possible consequences, and i don't doubt she did the same. so maybe in her head she saw this as kismet - destiny playing a hand. i've been recycled on exactly the same pretext.

BPDs have, in my experience, a total belief in their lies, in their side of the story. and they need other people to hear their story, and validate it, to make it more real to them. her desperately precious, but fragile, self-worth will have been damaged by your rejection, still more if she'd decided to recycle you and was denied. she'll have needed to paint you white in order to justify the recycle to herself, and now needed to paint you black again, real quick. that's why she went to your bosses and exposed your relationship - she needed them to see all this from her side, and to agree with her that you're to blame for everything, and that she is the injured party. BPDs are never to blame, and they are always the injured party. always!

she won't have considered the consequences at that point. perhaps couldn't even conceive of anyone disagreeing with her.

they're dangerous. to themselves and to others. not physically maybe, but they are pathological liars in my experience, and will say anything to ensure that they themselves, and others around them, believe in their point of view.

if i'd seen your original post, several weeks ago, i'd have told you to do anything, literally ANYTHING, to avoid that situation. reading the OP, i was actually thinking that you should go to your bosses, tell them about the relationship, and insist that it would be inappropriate for you to work with her in any context. take it to HR if need be. take a hit to your reputation if need be, so long as it didn't completely derail your career. i'm sorry to say that i wasn't a bit surprised to hear about what she did in the end.

but something good has still come out of this. you're not going to be in any doubt now that there's pretty much nothing she won't do. you're going to be on your guard. and this thing is out in the open now - maybe you didn't exactly have any control initially, but at least it seems like you've now got control of the story, and your colleagues can see your side. she won't be able to do this to you again. her ammunition is spent, and her aim was off.

stay safe and take care.

[cj488]

Thanks everyone for the feedback, even the belated ones. Still good to see in retrospect. My Bpd radar is miles out there now, and I've avoided similar situations since that time, but this work situation could not be avoided. I'm very fortunate that I kept all her emails professing "love forevermore" so that when she tried to paint me black to management it didn't fly. She was an extraordinary seductress and sometimes dressed like a catwalk model (she is a former model). I agree, there was either a recycle attempt, or an attempt to get me to respond, so she could blame me - probably both as she could get her revenge had either of them worked. Sad for her is that both backfired on her. I look bad, but she looks worse and will likely never be promoted, and it caused a mess for the work group. All this would have been avoided had she just remained mum for another 2 days. Well, I got a firsthand lesson in how deep her illness goes. Any thoughts of ever re-engaging her, or even being friends have just been extinguished. I close a year-long, difficult chapter in my life. Thanks to everyone for the support. Cj

[cj488]

Many thanks to you, Oor_Wullie, as your other posts were very helpful for me in sussing out the madness. I can only advise myself and others, that if you're not supposed to have personal relationships within a certain work group, don't do it, even if she/he seems like your ideal partner. Best to just wait until such projects end, or go to management early and reveal your sincere relationship. I berate myself for not seeing the signs earlier, but she was as close to "perfect" as I've ever (initially) found in a partner. I'm not an unattractive man, and I've turned down offers from women of all quarters over the years. But I could not say no to this one. A strange fate. In almost every category, we were an ideal match. She had me utterly convinced that we'd marry once the project was over. Then came the Bpd explosion. A nightmare finally ends... .I'm still devastated and cannot make sense of any of this, other than to accept that her disorder is running her life.

[cj488]

Yes, Oor Wullie, I believe it was an attempt at a recycle. We loved each other so very much - that was real enough, even apparent a few weeks ago. I don't think I've ever loved someone that much; and I'm guessing her either. When we first saw each other after 9 months apart, she couldn't even speak. I said hellos and good mornings, but she just held her heart and struggled to breathe. Later, she warmed up, we chatted about daily things, her car, etc, but she then began to dress subtly seductively, increasingly so as the days at the project went on, until finally she was magazine cover material (still a model now). I didn't know what to make of it, as she must have known that I couldn't possibly respond or it would risk both our positions? Crazy. I gave her many opportunities to speak her heart/mind, but she just froze or pridefully refused to discuss the subject. Seemed she wanted me to mystically determine what she wanted, like a mother reading her child's mind, is it not? Yep, then when she left the door open for me to re-engage I hid in my room. Then she went for revenge. Unforgettable.