Being OK in your brokenness

[Billygoat]

My relationship has been over for some time now. It's been the hardest emotional pain I've ever been through, consistently over a long period of time and for a long time I was in broken peices fumbling around just trying to make it through every day. Not only had my marriage ended in horrible circumstances, I was trying to protect all my friends and family members from the truth of that pain and even told myself that I was fine. I wasn't. Although ive not been diagnosed with one I'd say I had a nervous breakdown of kinds thank to seven years of unending stress from my BPDex and then another year of mental torture mostly caused my myself.

Even before my ex I was Mr Responsible, actually responsible for hundreds of employees, my family are reliant on me and I am never a burden to anyone but everyone's Rock and is been making a decent job of that; until her. We all know how they treat us so im not going to give it any time, we've all suffered the same dashed hopes and indignities, but, almost 18 months out now, Im coming to see her arrival and time in my life as utterly necessary. She turned the heat up on me day on day, pushing me to my coping limits until eventually i simply snapped. Since then, although I had the excruciating pain of all BPD breakups, there have been times of utter utter bliss. Ive thrown off many of the excess burdens I used to carry. She broke me. It was incredibly painful but it was an awakening I needed. I only feel responsible for myself now and through the pain of that relationship I did a lot of soul searching on what was important and what was not. Integrity is important, authenticity is important, honesty, with yourself, is important. I finally know what they all talk about by 'feeling good in your own skin'.

Had she not come along with Her impossible demands and ridiculous accusations of still be living close to capacity on the edge, doing everything for everyone and probably putting myself in an early grave. It wasn't important who she was, that it was she who led me here she gets no credit because it was not done with that intention, but all the same, she was only the culmination of a direction i was already headed, she just got to give the final blow.

To all those suffering with an ex or parent or BPD in their life, have faith, theres a reason for all this, as you'll have notice there is a reason for everything that ever happened in your life, you just don't know it yet. We live in a friendly universe, don't despair

[fromheeltoheal]

Very nice Billy, I can relate to everything you said.  You didn't use the word, and maybe it doesn't apply for you, but in hindsight I'm grateful for the entire experience, and choose to believe that borderlines come into our lives for a reason, a unique teacher when it's time to learn some vital lessons, and like you, I was on a path that wasn't serving me too, and got a hefty jumpstart to the bottom from her, which ended up being a blessing.

[Billygoat]

And for now, the challenges she brought into my life as outside of her. Dealing with my own health, my integrity, colleagues, spirituality etc. one day another challenger will appear, contact, I hope God/the source/whomever will give me a break on that one and ensure I am totally ready and strong enough to handle it. Well, im sure I will be ready for it, else it wouldn't happen

Let see what tomorrow brings