Hard Day

[kelti1972]

It is not important to follow the script my expectations have written.  I need to read that one over and over again all the time.  It is so hard for me not to have expectations.  Perfection is a hope, dream and an illusion, but I like it to happen!  Our son is going to therapy, starting DBT in July and has a part-time job starting this week and lo and behold his car cost $400 to fix this week and now it is smoking.  I get so frustrated when all seems to be going as planned and then the normal frustrations of life happen.

Our son became emotional and stressed and didn't know how he was going to pay for any more car problems.  He has not worked for a long time and has no money.  He got disregulated then I had a hard time keeping myself regulated.  He threw some tatrums and I could feel my emotions rising, but I kept cool on the outside.  He is suppose to pay rent, but if he has to get another car, my husband said that the car payment could be his rent.  It is all in putting the responsiblility on him so he can learn to lead a normal, healthy, independent life, but it doesn't always feel so clear cut and easy to support that and know what is in his best interest and ours all the time.

Anyway we do not know for sure what the car situation is yet, until he finds out what is exactly wrong with it.  We will take one step at a time.  My husband and I agree that the most important thing we can do is support his therapy and DBT first and formost.

Things just do not go smoothly and blank happens.  I know thinkgs worthwhile take patience and time and hard work, but "God I want patience just give it to me right now"!  Lol!  Love and support to all Kelti

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

   Kelti

Sorry about the monkey wrench thrown into the mix.  Good job keeping your cool and super good job keeping the priorities in order... .long term investments (like therapy) can sometimes get set aside to meet immediate needs that are short term gains (car repairs).

God is answering your prayer for patience... .giving you lots of opportunities to exercise the patience you have and grow it bigger and stronger... .be careful what you pray for.     

lbj

[MammaMia]

Kelti

Sorry you are struggling, but life is full of dashed expectations.

Radical acceptance is very import in dealing with BPD as well as life's disappointments.  Things happen.  As parents of a child wBPD we need to focus on learning to cope with unexpected financial and emotional setbacks, because we cannot always control what happens.  We all want the best for our children, but must understand this disorder often has a pattern where success in one area is frequently followed by failure in another.  It helps to anticipate positive and negative outcomes to minimize disappointment.

It helps to lower our expectations of "perfection" and "normalcy" as they relate to our children so we have a realistic idea of what they are actually capable of doing.  Mental illness is cruel, but sadly, no amount of wishing things were different will change the facts.  We become frustrated and angry and so do they. I think this may be, at least in part, due to their dependence on us.  Other peoples' children grow up and become responsible while ours are not able to do that.  Other peoples' children are not dealing with a significant mental illness.

PwBPD suffer from heightened fear, self-loathing, and a level of emotional pain, that is hard for us to comprehend.  Your son may be doing the best he can under the circumstances, and unless he crashed his car or caused the repairs by not maintaining it, he has no more control over what has happened than you do.

I do not mean to sound harsh. You are also doing the best you can to understand what has happened, and anger and frustration are normal reactions. Beyond that, though, we have to acknowledge the part mental illness plays in the over-all picture. 

The fact your son is in therapy and starting DBT is huge, and you are both to be commended for taking positive steps to help him. 

I hope things improve. Please take care.

[kelti1972]

Thank you ibj and MammaMia.  No you are not too harsh, harsh was when we kicked our son out of the house four months ago.  Talk about pain, patience, faith and hanging on.  It did turn out but my emotional pain was excrutiating.  Thank you for words of wisdom and I need all the great reminders and support each day.

It is hard to accept the mental illness and it is your child and he isn't like the rest of the kids, that have been able to go on with their lives, have relationships etc.  Thank you so much for the reminders and sharing, your hope and strength.  Kelti

[MammaMia]

Kelti

Please do not think I am judging you.  We all struggle with this issue, and we do the best we can in every circumstance. Even the strongest of us buckle at the knees on occasion.  Loving someone wBPD is hard work and we are human.  The relentless stress makes us emotionally vulnerable, and we tend to be pretty hard on ourselves.  Why?... .because we cannot fix this disorder. 

So, we just vent our frustrations with people who understand, get back up, and keep going.  It is what we do, and it is ok as long as we have guidance and support from others to keep us healthy.

Thank you for joining us.  I really hope we can be of help.