Is this normal?

[dobie]

I'm eight months out of a 6.5 year rs. still feel hurt and sad pretty much everyday is that normal ?

I can't help blaming myself for my behaviours that caused her to lose respect and trust for me I distanced myself in ways during the r/s I also acted like a kid myself in some matters .

I was not a perfect partner I did my best however and I was always open to listen to things make changes etc I didn't want her to go I loved her and the r/s was very important to me .

She blindsided me for over a year I'm still sitting her sometimes in shock thinking what the heck happened

[Bassoutcast]

I'm eight months out of a 6.5 year rs. still feel hurt and sad pretty much everyday is that normal ?

I can't help blaming myself for my behaviours that caused her to lose respect and trust for me I distanced myself in ways during the r/s I also acted like a kid myself in some matters .

I was not a perfect partner I did my best however and I was always open to listen to things make changes etc I didn't want her to go I loved her and the r/s was very important to me .

She blindsided me for over a year I'm still sitting her sometimes in shock thinking what the heck happened

Hey dobie.

I know how much it pains to feel like you weren't enough, living in the land of "if only", thinking that maybe if you said or did something differently it wouldn't be over, but we realize that no matter how hard we try we'll never live up to the expectations of our BPD's.

Recently came to terms with the fact that I am bi-polar, and you can imagine being bi-polar AND co-depdendant is a nightmare for a BPD... .had the nerve to end it with "You know I have enough problems of my own to deal with yours"... .hypocritical b**ch.

We all learn from our mistakes. I know it hurts but think of it this way - now you have a chance to find someone who truly cares for you.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm eight months out of a 6.5 year rs. still feel hurt and sad pretty much everyday is that normal ?

My relationship was much shorter than yours dobie and it took me a year to start feeling anywhere near 'normal' again.  It takes what it takes and it's easy to get discouraged when it takes a while, but hang in there, stay here, one foot in front of the other, and it WILL get better.

I was not a perfect partner I did my best however

So focus on you did your best and take comfort in that.  Perfection is an impossible standard for humans, and therefore it's the lowest standard, and humans are perfectly imperfect anyway.  You never could have been 'perfect' enough for a borderline anyway, the way they're wired the disorder would run its cycle regardless of what you did, and it wasn't about you anyway.

Another helpful frame is that someone who doesn't accept us the way we are, virtues, faults, the good, the bad, the perfect imperfection, someone who doesn't accept us all the way, the way we are, needs to get out of our lives immediately; life is too short for putting up with that sht and we deserve to be surrounded by supportive, loving, raving fans.

[dobie]

I'm eight months out of a 6.5 year rs. still feel hurt and sad pretty much everyday is that normal ?

My relationship was much shorter than yours dobie and it took me a year to start feeling anywhere near 'normal' again.  It takes what it takes and it's easy to get discouraged when it takes a while, but hang in there, stay here, one foot in front of the other, and it WILL get better.

I was not a perfect partner I did my best however

So focus on you did your best and take comfort in that.  Perfection is an impossible standard for humans, and therefore it's the lowest standard, and humans are perfectly imperfect anyway.  You never could have been 'perfect' enough for a borderline anyway, the way they're wired the disorder would run its cycle regardless of what you did, and it wasn't about you anyway.

Another helpful frame is that someone who doesn't accept us the way we are, virtues, faults, the good, the bad, the perfect imperfection, someone who doesn't accept us all the way, the way we are, needs to get out of our lives immediately; life is too short for putting up with that sht and we deserve to be surrounded by supportive, loving, raving fans.

Thanks heel2heal that's the rub our BPD exs were our greatest fans

Thanks for the kind and encouraging words and you two bass 

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks heel2heal that's the rub our BPD exs were our greatest fans

Yes, until our exes were our greatest enemies; that's mental illness, a very small percentage of the population, and very painful to get involved with.  Time to use this information and wisdom to populate our lives with nice, kind, ordered people, yes?

[dobie]

Thanks heel2heal that's the rub our BPD exs were our greatest fans

Yes, until our exes were our greatest enemies; that's mental illness, a very small percentage of the population, and very painful to get involved with.  Time to use this information and wisdom to populate our lives with nice, kind, ordered people, yes?

Normal people can idealise / devalue though

Love can turn to contempt in even the healthy

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks heel2heal that's the rub our BPD exs were our greatest fans

Yes, until our exes were our greatest enemies; that's mental illness, a very small percentage of the population, and very painful to get involved with.  Time to use this information and wisdom to populate our lives with nice, kind, ordered people, yes?

Normal people can idealise / devalue though

Love can turn to contempt in even the healthy

True, that's where sayings like 'there's a thin line between love and hate' come from, although it's not usually as extreme, intense and absolute, and healthy relationships are 50/50 partnerships between two autonomous individuals, not unhealthy psychic attachments.

Any 6 1/2 year relationship is going to take a while to get over dobie.  Are you questioning how disordered she is and focusing on what you screwed up, or are you moving towards acceptance of what is?

[dobie]

Thanks heel2heal that's the rub our BPD exs were our greatest fans

Yes, until our exes were our greatest enemies; that's mental illness, a very small percentage of the population, and very painful to get involved with.  Time to use this information and wisdom to populate our lives with nice, kind, ordered people, yes?

Normal people can idealise / devalue though

Love can turn to contempt in even the healthy

True, that's where sayings like 'there's a thin line between love and hate' come from, although it's not usually as extreme, intense and absolute, and healthy relationships are 50/50 partnerships between two autonomous individuals, not unhealthy psychic attachments.

Any 6 1/2 year relationship is going to take a while to get over dobie.  Are you questioning how disordered she is and focusing on what you screwed up, or are you moving towards acceptance of what is?

I hope I'm moving towards acceptance but its like an elastic band I keep snapping back ... .

Got to keep walking no other choice it is what it is bro

[fromheeltoheal]

Thanks heel2heal that's the rub our BPD exs were our greatest fans

Yes, until our exes were our greatest enemies; that's mental illness, a very small percentage of the population, and very painful to get involved with.  Time to use this information and wisdom to populate our lives with nice, kind, ordered people, yes?

Normal people can idealise / devalue though

Love can turn to contempt in even the healthy

True, that's where sayings like 'there's a thin line between love and hate' come from, although it's not usually as extreme, intense and absolute, and healthy relationships are 50/50 partnerships between two autonomous individuals, not unhealthy psychic attachments.

Any 6 1/2 year relationship is going to take a while to get over dobie.  Are you questioning how disordered she is and focusing on what you screwed up, or are you moving towards acceptance of what is?

I hope I'm moving towards acceptance but its like an elastic band I keep snapping back ... .

Got to keep walking no other choice it is what it is bro

Good for you man, two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward, and these things aren't linear, hang in there.

[UserName69]

I'm eight months out of a 6.5 year rs. still feel hurt and sad pretty much everyday is that normal ?

There are really no rules which explain what the right amount of time is to get over a break up. For some people it takes longer and for other it doesn't. Personally I think this is too much. You're being stuck in the relationship, you need to realize that it's over and you need to move on. You don't want to be sad and hurt for the rest of your life just because of your exBPD.

I can't help blaming myself for my behaviours that caused her to lose respect and trust for me I distanced myself in ways during the r/s I also acted like a kid myself in some matters .

I was not a perfect partner I did my best however and I was always open to listen to things make changes etc I didn't want her to go I loved her and the r/s was very important to me .

Let me guess... .She blamed you for everything? My exBPD did too, it ALWAYS was MY FAULT. It's what they always do they always blame it on other people, and if they can they'll manipulate you. Don't fall for it.

What happened has happened, it doesn't matter if you acted childish or not the rs you had is history we can't undo the history. You need to focus on yourself! Get rid of everything that reminds you of her, I mean litteraly everything. If your bed reminds you of her, get a new one  . Delete all the e-mails, SMS, Facebook PM's she has ever send you, block any form of communication with her.

The next step is to get busy, it's a great way to forget her and get over her. Start new hobbies if you can, go out with your buddies, keep your self busy. Try to always have people around you, people who entertain you the kind you can talk with about any subject. Don't stay too long at your place when you're starting to feel sad, instead think of all the bad things she did to you. You can even make a list if, a while ago someone mentioned this at this board. Can you even imagine how many single girls there are who're willing to date you? Girls who're even better compared to your exBPD. Think about it.