What's the hardest for you in the breakup?

[Yolanda123]

I would say one thing is not being able to have a closure/satisfactory emotional understanding of the relationship/breakup.

I know it’s the disease…but…

In most ‘normal’ breakups I guess you can come to have some kind of closure…it’s still a very painful process, but yet there is shared memories, surely things that the other person is missing about you and the relationship, just like yourself, there is a shared reality of what you’ve been through together….

But I guess I will never know who he really was/if the person I loved so much existed/which parts of him/the relationship were real and which parts were the disease speaking/acting/ how I have never felt so much loved for who I was, just for being me/but he did not love me for who I am/did not really know who I am as a person, it could have been anyone else.

His last text message to me said ‘’I guess it’s too late for us to get back together…I love you…goodbye…sorry…bye sweetheart’’

Just like that: it’s over I love you – a little over-dramatic but yet I guess that’s a total reflection of the whole relationship to him. I love you sweetheart but it’s over. And I guess for him it’s up to the next person without even looking back.

Having so many questions and no shared reality, that’s hard for me.

Not sure I’m making sense…

I really appreciate the feedback I get here, and reading other people’s experiences. It really helps a lot so thank you everyone.

[dobie]

The hardest for me is the deceit she purposefully had disengaged for over 12 months while apart from the occasional hint made me think we were pretty "ok"

The using me till she found a replacment (her gf)

Her inability to say anything positive about me or us or the last 6.5 years apart from almost screaming " there were times you made me increasigly happy"

Then of course the cruelty or oblivious ability to empathise and the blame , resentment and devaluation.

[JRT]

I find that closure is also a problem for me. We had little problems in our relationship, at least none that she had articulated. Most failed relationships are characterized by prolonged pain and disagreement where a breakup was considered a possible outcome for its duration providing some foreshadowing of what was likely to come and, hence, emotional and mental anticipation.

Without warning mine moved out (after only moving in three weeks prior) while I was out of town for work and broke up with me via text! Eight months later and I have still not spoken to her. I can only guess as to what her motivations were and how she continues to avoid me. Even in the most acrimonious failed relationships there is some level of contact or an explanation from one to the other even if it remains hostile. I had never even HEARD of anything as bizarre and extreme in my life nor does anyone that knows or asks to hear the story, it almost always elicits a 'gasp'.

[Devaluedman]

JRT,

That's really sad--your situation. Mine was a bit like that. Basically, she decided that we had to re-do our relationship after a few weeks of marriage.(Whatever that means.) She also refused to cohabitate with me, so we never lived together. Talk about a sham marriage.

So, I feel your pain.

[search4peace]

Yolanda, you make perfect sense.

I completely share your feelings about closure... .or rather the lack of it. 

I am 2mo NC after 3yr of codependently supporting a r/s that should have ended long ago.  Post b/u, I have been through some painful bouts of dreaming of her, craving her, wanting her adoration and validation in spite of the growing dysfunction, but the lack of closure is a more persistent, a more constant source of anxiety and stress.  I have written countless letters to her (all in my head, b/c if I write it all down the temptation to send would be too great) - this is the closest I will ever get to closure, which feels like one hand clapping... .unsatisfying and very hard to release.

I want her to hear me, to know how confused and hurt I felt when she engaged in gaslighting, manipulation, child-like drama, seduction-withdrawal cycles, etc.  I never felt so destabilized and depleted.

Like your ex, mine said to me once after one of her many emotional scenes... ."I love you, and want to be with you, but I don't want to be with you".  that about summed things up for me, and we limped along for 3mo before I had to leave to save myself. 

Like you, I often think that in her eyes I could have been anyone, instead of the "man of her dreams" which I wanted to be more than I can say. I am not far enough out to see her behavior as the disease, so I am still taking it personally. I long for the day when I am free of that.

[Devaluedman]

Search4Peace,

Yes, they seem to say "I love you" all the time. And, "I miss you."  But then preface it by saying, "But I don't think we are compatible, or that we have a future together."  So indeed there is no closure, in a way.

[coldmist]

I find that closure is also a problem for me. We had little problems in our relationship, at least none that she had articulated. Most failed relationships are characterized by prolonged pain and disagreement where a breakup was considered a possible outcome for its duration providing some foreshadowing of what was likely to come and, hence, emotional and mental anticipation.

Without warning mine moved out (after only moving in three weeks prior) while I was out of town for work and broke up with me via text! Eight months later and I have still not spoken to her. I can only guess as to what her motivations were and how she continues to avoid me. Even in the most acrimonious failed relationships there is some level of contact or an explanation from one to the other even if it remains hostile. I had never even HEARD of anything as bizarre and extreme in my life nor does anyone that knows or asks to hear the story, it almost always elicits a 'gasp'.

That's kinda similar to how my relationship ended though we didn't live together. We had exactly one conflict in the entire relationship that I thought we had resolved. She had me under the impression that things were fine again between us but she suddenly out of nowhere went NC and discarded me without saying a word. No phone call, text, nothing. Other than her stalking me some when she still lived close by, there's been nothing from her in the few months since.

It was incredibly cruel and painful. Having zero closure from it is the worst part for me.

[JRT]

I find that closure is also a problem for me. We had little problems in our relationship, at least none that she had articulated. Most failed relationships are characterized by prolonged pain and disagreement where a breakup was considered a possible outcome for its duration providing some foreshadowing of what was likely to come and, hence, emotional and mental anticipation.

Without warning mine moved out (after only moving in three weeks prior) while I was out of town for work and broke up with me via text! Eight months later and I have still not spoken to her. I can only guess as to what her motivations were and how she continues to avoid me. Even in the most acrimonious failed relationships there is some level of contact or an explanation from one to the other even if it remains hostile. I had never even HEARD of anything as bizarre and extreme in my life nor does anyone that knows or asks to hear the story, it almost always elicits a 'gasp'.

That's kinda similar to how my relationship ended though we didn't live together. We had exactly one conflict in the entire relationship that I thought we had resolved. She had me under the impression that things were fine again between us but she suddenly out of nowhere went NC and discarded me without saying a word. No phone call, text, nothing. Other than her stalking me some when she still lived close by, there's been nothing from her in the few months since.

It was incredibly cruel and painful. Having zero closure from it is the worst part for me.

Sorry to hear that this has happened to you and you are enduring this. I know how incredibly painful the cruelty of this is; I used to think to myself that it would have been far less painful if she had simply pulled out a gun and shot my me as that would have had the potential to escape the pain after only a short time!

If yours was like mine, she internalized problems along with her disordered thinking. I was always amazed during recycles (where she actually shared her mind) some of the conclusions that she came up with as they related to me. She was as wrong as wrong could be.  I had no idea that she was BPD until I did a LOT of searching and found myself here. Mine was a BPD waif/hermit who tend to keep things to themselves and not rage at all. When they explode, they explode big. Some folks here refer to them as the most painful since one has little idea that there is any problem nor is there any indication of what is about to come.

Stay tough, you are in the right place. I don;'t know what I would have done without this forum.

[Bassoutcast]

I think it was a combination of her using my triggers against me, knowing fully from constant reminders of my fear of abandonment that the worst thing she could do to ruin me completely is to ignore me, and then blame it on ME.

This, and the fact she basically used me to get better after she's been traumatized and attempted suicide, sort of like a 24/7 therapist for her, and when I was the one who needed help she dumped me and had the nerve to say "I have enough problems of my own to be dealing with yours" - after I offered her to live with me to get away from her seemingly "abusive" family, helped her cure anorexia, stopped her from commiting suicide and was there for her every time she had a breakdown... .hypocracy at it's finest... .and she made me feel BAD about all that too... .what a load of cr*p

[emancipated]

I miss the kids... I have a 12 year old daughter I've never met and the connection i shared with the kids gave me an identity... A reason to live for more than myself and to give those kids a dad they deserved... I adored them... most of the people who know me personally know I stayed in that relationship longer than I ever would have because of that love and devotion I had for those kids... I really believed they would come to call me dad... and that we would be family... a year almost to the day from the breakup I often find myself correcting myself when telling someone about them and realize they aren't in my life anymore... Truth me told I likely would have killed myself during a nervous breakdown inhad shortly after moving in together but they and the identity they gave me kept me alive and loving their mother through all the dysfunction and even after finding out about the replacement when she tried so hard to cover that up and project onto me all the fault w the relationship... I was willing to try and make it work... it bothers me a little to see how much weight she's put on and how unhappy that must make her but I know I could never take her back... but I would love to at least have the kids be apart of my life again even if it means dealing with her dysfunction... And have always known that if the day ever comes that she tries to recycle it will be them she will use and I must admit that scares me slightly

[going places]

The hardest thing?

Watching the kids (now young adults) suffer... .

Finding out the 25 years of marriage was one big fat lie.

Finding out the disgusting addiction my ex hid from all of us, for 25 years.

Working my ass off for future plans and goals, that were talked about; but they were lies too.

Finding out that his behavior was not just 'a quirky personality' but it was ABUSE.

Being traumatized to the point my brain warped and now I have PTSD.

Now... .Yesterday I was divorced 1 year.

What's the BEST part of being apart from the ex?

Watching the kids recover, and learn lessons so they don't repeat this mistake.

Look at life like a blank canvas, and I have a paddle with all kids of beautiful colors on it, and a brush in my hand, ready to create a life full of color!

Never having to walk on egg shells, no more abuse. I don't have to listen to the temper tantrums, be subjected to his sullen silent treatments. I am free from his abuse! AND NOW I know what Emotional and Mental abuse is AND I know A LOT about N and ASPD; so I can see the 'signs'... .I learned SO MUCH. I also know how to 'spot' addiction; I know what to look for (the signs). Reading, talking to counselors and advocates, and more reading. This was my manna.

Work my ass off NOW for MY future... .which is bright, and promising, and real and true.

My confidence, and discernment is back to normal.

I could go on and on... .

[Yolanda123]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experience.

I just want to say We are strong and we are gonna get through this. 

My ex was still waiting for me at my workplace parking lot last night (almost 2 weeks post b/u)

Started telling me how beautiful I looked and that he wanted to know how I'm doing.

Then he started saying how I had a small black hair coming out of my nose (I was thinking to myself now let's not talk about how you look disgusting with your clothes and hair dirty) and then he said 'it was hard for me to be with someone who did not smile anymore' (I was thinking guess who made me unsmiling because he made my life miserable 90% of the time... .)

Then he texted me at 10:30 last night 'See you M... .good night too... .I will stop blaming you for stuff... .bye'

I know it's not the end of it and that he will re-pop in my life and that he's certainly not done with blaming me for all the 'little things' that I did not do perfectly for him.

So to all of you, I can say that I have closure now... .and that I'm sure it will come to you also in your own way and time.   

Closure for me is believing in my heart and knowing without a doubt that this person is sick and is not a human being as we define one, with a soul and a heart. Seeing how twisted his mind is and how he is just an empty black hole, turning everything good and beautiful in his life into something dirty and ugly. I want this out of my life for good.

This was the  moment where my head and my heart have come together, exactly what I needed and he gave it to me. There is no love left in me for this person, nothing left to give him. He simply does not deserve anything more from me.

[valet]

I think that the hardest part of the breakup for me has been not making the easy decision to cut the cord and say goodbye forever, to any level of contact.

I think that believing in myself regards to this is the most difficult mental challenge that I've ever been through, and that I will be a much wiser person for it.

There are lots of things that we can choose not to learn in this world. I don't think that coping with a disordered person in your life should be one of them.

But maybe I'm wrong.

[Invictus01]

The hardest thing about the breakup was that there was no breakup which makes a normal human brain trying to reconcile and make sense out of senseless. And a human brain isn't equipped very well to deal with that... .and that's when you feel like you are going nuts.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Like many have said, no real closure. I went NC after I figured out this was all a sham. I have a lot of anger but chose to go the NC route because I knew any confrontation would be useless.

The other part is just the loneliness. We used to talk every day and shared a lot of intimate details.

[problemsolver]

1- Hardest thing was misunderstanding/mis communication... which led to her "painting me black"

2- Assumptions or "false accusations" that led to the demise...

3- Being shut out completely taken off all social media and being blocked... and being made to look like a fool... basically having her have the "last word" of the way she "saw" things.

4- Anything I did post b/u was spun against me as me trying to hurt her on purpose or "make her jealous"

[Confused in TX]

I find that closure is also a problem for me. We had little problems in our relationship, at least none that she had articulated. Most failed relationships are characterized by prolonged pain and disagreement where a breakup was considered a possible outcome for its duration providing some foreshadowing of what was likely to come and, hence, emotional and mental anticipation.

Without warning mine moved out (after only moving in three weeks prior) while I was out of town for work and broke up with me via text! Eight months later and I have still not spoken to her. I can only guess as to what her motivations were and how she continues to avoid me. Even in the most acrimonious failed relationships there is some level of contact or an explanation from one to the other even if it remains hostile. I had never even HEARD of anything as bizarre and extreme in my life nor does anyone that knows or asks to hear the story, it almost always elicits a 'gasp'.

I'm so very sorry this happened to you.  My BPD boyfriend of six months proposed and ended our engagement on exactly the same day and had all my belongings boxed up on his front porch the next day.  He refused to talk to me to explain or see me.  I too get the "gasps."  This was two weeks ago. I just wanted to let you know that I identify with your pain and that there is nothing like it in the whole world.  I'm so very sorry this happened to you.

[JRT]

I find that closure is also a problem for me. We had little problems in our relationship, at least none that she had articulated. Most failed relationships are characterized by prolonged pain and disagreement where a breakup was considered a possible outcome for its duration providing some foreshadowing of what was likely to come and, hence, emotional and mental anticipation.

Without warning mine moved out (after only moving in three weeks prior) while I was out of town for work and broke up with me via text! Eight months later and I have still not spoken to her. I can only guess as to what her motivations were and how she continues to avoid me. Even in the most acrimonious failed relationships there is some level of contact or an explanation from one to the other even if it remains hostile. I had never even HEARD of anything as bizarre and extreme in my life nor does anyone that knows or asks to hear the story, it almost always elicits a 'gasp'.

Thanks confused in TX... .I sent you a PM so as to not hijack this thread... .sorry to hear that this happened... .you are in the right place for answers and support.

I'm so very sorry this happened to you.  My BPD boyfriend of six months proposed and ended our engagement on exactly the same day and had all my belongings boxed up on his front porch the next day.  He refused to talk to me to explain or see me.  I too get the "gasps."  This was two weeks ago. I just wanted to let you know that I identify with your pain and that there is nothing like it in the whole world.  I'm so very sorry this happened to you.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

The hardest thing about the breakup was that there was no breakup which makes a normal human brain trying to reconcile and make sense out of senseless. And a human brain isn't equipped very well to deal with that... .and that's when you feel like you are going nuts.

This. In a normal relationship when things start to sour the issues are typically brought to the table. You discuss them, work on them, and hope that you rise above them.  My ex gave me a 72 hour notice she was moving out of state but she wanted to maintain an LDR.  She wanTed to get her depression under control, and stand on her own 2 feet to take some pressure off of me. She even left her cat here for good measure. She broke up w me 30 days tho I knew after her being gone for 5 days it was over.

Back on topic. The hardest part for me isn't closure bc I know that on her end it isn't possible. I understand why it didn't work out. It's not even so much that I miss her, though I shamefully admit I do. For me, I just take it so damn personal. My feelings are shredded. I feel exposed. I feel mocked. I feel like I poured my entire soul and all of its reserves into this relationship and it meant nothing. From trying to make her feel so special, important, and loved... .to helping her get her life in order and want more for herself. I was vulnerable. I trusted her. I truly thought that we were end game bc I thought our love was some unbreakable bond. I wasn't perfect but I was about as close as it gets. It was so important to me that she always felt self worth. That no matter what mountain got in her/our way I would fight by her side. And she just left. I fought for her every day for 3 years and she never fought for me. Never. I completely lost myself in that relationship and I am struggling to find myself again. I use to be full of life and laughter. My heart was my moral compass. These days I'm a bit of a cynic and love? I've no interest in it whatsoever.

[Beach_Babe]

Hardest part. Hmm that he never loved or cared about me. Also no closure.

[UserName69]

Push pull behaviour drove me crazy, I always wanted to know what was wrong with her. Whenever I told her she acted weird she freaked out or told me she didn't want to talk about it. I knew nothing about BPD, she blaimed me for being a pwBPD.

Later I met an another girl she was the one who told me about BPD. When I was searching on the web about BPD everything became clear. My exBPD treated me like a doormat, now she wants me and the other moment she keeps distance. It's the craziest experience I ever had in my life.

I'm glad I don't have to deal with her anymore.

[love4meNOTu]

Making the decision to go was the hardest part. I still waver on a day to day basis. Letting go of someone you love, who you know can't be the relationship partner you need is a process of acceptance I will probably have to do the rest of my life.

Now, the hardest part is letting go of my dreams of the future with this man. And building a future that has dreams for me, and me alone. Telling myself daily that I can do this, that I can be happy alone.

I can be happy alone, just have to have a new reality. My new reality is I am not good at picking partners. I have not had successful relationships, even when this particular man I loved with all my heart and I did the best I could to be a loving girlfriend. He was special, he is special and he will find a better partner for himself. That hurts like hell to admit, but I was not making him happy and I was miserable.

In essence, I'm a failure in this realm. Maybe in another life I will get it right, but for now it's time to let that dream of this relationship go. It brought me too much pain on a daily basis.

That trite line of "sometimes love ain't enough" is true today for me. Addictions, mental illness, and habits of a lifetime are relationship killers.

[Herodias]

Seeing him "act" so in love with someone else, so quickly after we separated. Makes me feel like I wasted 8 years of my life! Knowing he was mentally and physically abusive with me and wondering if he will do the same to her and how soon! Wondering if he will call me at some point in the future or has he just moved on... .?

[love4meNOTu]

Seeing him "act" so in love with someone else, so quickly after we separated. Makes me feel like I wasted 8 years of my life! Knowing he was mentally and physically abusive with me and wondering if he will do the same to her and how soon! Wondering if he will call me at some point in the future or has he just moved on... .?

I was in a similar situation, and at the time it was a kick in the gut. A wake up call if you will.

I was suffering and in pain - focusing on getting through it, and he was doing what he did to cope with life. What he has ALWAYS done. Use people to make himself feel better.

I refuse to do that. I will never do that. Use someone to make myself feel better, personally I think it's disgusting and shallow.

Aren't we better than that kim? I think we are.