Step-son might have BPD (with some narcsissitic thrown in)

[dsquared]

Hello.  This is not very comfortable but I do need some help from others that may be in similar situations.  My step-son might have undiagnosed BPD or NPD or a combo of them both but I am not sure.  He doesn't really have mood swings, its almost like he has no emotion at all.  He is very manipulative and lies about everything.  He bullies his very young wife and he uses his child with her as a weapon against her (our 3 week old grandbaby!).  I am at my wits end because I can't stand to be around him and said so this weekend and my husband gets mad at me!  So I end up feeling remorse for saying anything.  I am kind of an outsider since I am "just the step-mom".  Everyone is afraid to say to confront him because he will withhold our grandchildren from us.  He also has a 6 year old daughter from another relationship who is the most sunny sweet little girl.  I am so afraid he is going to ruin her (he only gets her every other weekend) and her baby brother, who lives with him full time has no chance of being "normal".  I don't know what to do.  I've been reading a lot today to see if I can figure this out and I went to a counselor this morning.  But I just thought those going through something similar might have some words of wisdom.  Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi dsquared,

Welcome to the site! I'm glad you found us and felt comfortable sharing what you're going through.

Everything you wrote I could imagine word for word my own mother writing the same thing about my former N/BPDx husband. It's very common for people with BPD/NPD to be bullies, and for families to "walk on eggshells." I'm sorry your husband got mad at you. It can be very hard when a step parent doesn't like the step child, no matter whether the criticism is justified or not.

Perhaps your H is somewhat enmeshed and afraid to see what's there because seeing it might mean doing something about it, which can be downright frightening when BPD is involved. Your husband may feel he does not have the skills to manage his son's behavior, and your criticism is triggering his own frustration.

With narcissism, sometimes you have to communicate in ways that can be uncomfortable. Feeding your step son's ego may make interactions with him feel more tolerable, although it can be difficult to do if you resent him. I found that reading up on BPD and the emotional limitations they experience helped me wrap my mind around the mental illness part. I didn't like being the target of abuse -- however, I did learn to de-personalize it and recognize that it was not about me, it was about him. That made it easier to focus on the communication skills I had to develop in order to keep the conflict from escalating. We have a lot of material in the side bar to the right. A good place to start is Lesson 1. Then read everything you can about validation and how to do it. Start with someone you like first  , someone easy. Then build your way up to the step son.

Eventually, your grandbaby will need validation like a plant needs water. Kids with BPD parents don't get validation, and need to experience it with the other stable and healthy adults in their lives.

It's tough. There is nothing easy about this mental illness.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, dsquared & I'd like to join livednlearned with a   She has some very good advice for you, and I agree with her insights... .

I'm really sorry for all of the troubles you are dealing with concerning your stepson. Watching him dysregulate around his kids must be so hard to bear, and I can see why you are concerned and why you want to make life somehow better for his children. And fearing the consequence of not being able to have a relationship with your grandchildren is a painful thing... .I hope that this can be avoided for you.

It's great that you are starting to see a Counselor; many of us parents on this site have done that--or are currently in counseling--and it really does help! Since this understanding of BPD and/or NPD is new to you, it's important for you to get that sort of help. Another helpful thing would be to check out every one of the links to the right-hand side of this page; the TOOLS and THE LESSONS will give you a good handle on just what you are dealing with in relations to your stepson, and can help improve your communications with him in the future. And if that happens, it should make things better for not only you, but his children and the whole family... .

Does your stepson and his wife live near you and your husband? How is his wife doing? I can't imagine how stressful it must be for such a young woman with a 3 week old infant to have to deal with a dysregulated husband... .Are you able to be there for her in any way? Emotionally, physically if necessary? That would be one way to help the child, too... .I truly think that if you keep reading all you can on this site, you will find ways to lessen the stress for yourself in this terrible situation.

Here is some information about Narcissism that might be helpful: What is the relationship between BPD and narcissism (NPD)? and Dealing with narcissists by reinforcing the positive. This may also give you some insights that could make things better for you: TOOLS: Family systems--understanding the narcissistic family.

Please keep reading and telling us your story; we really want to help you, dsquared 

[dsquared]

Thank you to you both for your words.  After watching the first video under the first lesson, I don't believe BPD fits my step-son.  He doesn't cut himself or harm himself in anyway only those around him.  He thinks to much of himself to hurt himself (as I see it). After reading some more I feel like he more fits in with anti-social personality disorder.  It is all very confusing.  I will discuss all this with my therapist next week when I go.  I still would like to stick around and learn more though because he might have overlaps of several disorders (i believe that is quite common?). 

As for his wife.  After "episodes" she defends him to the death.  And it is the person who calls him/them on things that is the bad guy (usually me).  She is a liar and maniupulative herself.  I feel she is already trying to put a wedge between me and my husband since this last "episode" this weekend... .by only sending him pictures of the baby, and only texting him regarding the baby when she used to send them to both of us.

I am the bad guy.  I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I am afraid to talk to my husband about this because he thinks I hate his son.  I don't hate him.  I don't like him much but I do want him to get better and have a happy life!  My therapist asked that I bring my dh with me to our next session and I am afraid to ask.  I think he will see it as me just attacking his son.

[livednlearned]

It can be hard to diagnosis BPD, even for a clinician. For laypeople, it's very hard. And the DSM was developed for research purposes, so the buckets and categories were initially driven by the task of operationalizing the research questions, which is a very different challenge than diagnosing people. Insurance and doctors using the DSM for diagnosis came later, and now it predominates what the DSM is used for. To be diagnosed, a person only needs to meet 5 of the 9 criteria. Cutting is an "acting in" type of abuse, and not all people with BPD act in. Some act out with physical abuse.

No matter what diagnosis your step son has (or doesn't), the same tools and skills apply. This is from the Family Connections link at the top of the sidebar to the left:

General Approach: The focus here is on problem solving and we follow the basic principles of the Family Connections program developed by the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (NEABPD).  We encourage families to make basic changes in how they relate to create an environment for real progress.

For example, it is recommended that:

family members need to interpret things in the most benign way possible;

there is no one or any absolute truth;

everyone in the family is doing the best they can in this moment;

everyone needs to try harder.

The tools taught here are derived from Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Y. Manning, Ph.D.

The first one in that list is deceptively simple! I try to apply this with my son and model for him the same kind of approach. What is helpful about this approach is that the focus is on you, and that's good because you're the only person you can control. When you start to focus on you, it will make room for your husband to let down his guard. That's when he'll start to be more honest with himself about his son   because he won't be busy defending himself.

[dsquared]

Yes!  I feel like I can come off judgemental and I don't want to or mean to.  I thinking all my "helping" doesn't really help at all!  Learning to work on my reactions vs trying to fix everyone is where I want to be for sure... .so I'll keep reading and learning.  Thank you so much!

[madmom]

I too would like to welcome you.   Like you, my daughter has never cut or harmed herself in some of the ways others with BPD have done, but she still is diagnosed with it. And is definitely BPD. I have said more than once to my dear husband, if this wasn't our daughter, there is no way I would let a person like that into our lives, or near our family.   I know this sounds harsh, but that was truly how I felt about her behavior.  I can tell you that you will find such great help if you read through and practice the tools you see on the right hand side of the page. My relationship with my daughter changed dramatically when I started to validate, using SET etc.  My daughter is doing incredibly well now, and I couldn't have imagined it was possible a year ago.   There is hope.   I found that when I worked on myself ---my skills and tools---when I reacted in a different way, my daughter was forced to react to me in a different way.   I know your situation is trickier than mine because of the children involved, and I can only imagine your pain and confusion about what to do with that.   Best wishes, you are not alone.