getting past triggers

[aubin]

This morning I spoke to my uNPD father on the phone. We speak only every few months, which is fine for both of us I think. I mentioned that I will be in his town for my half-sister's wedding in a  few months. I also said that I am very happy for her and look forward to the wedding. He scoffed and said something I couldn't quite hear. So I said, "are you not happy for her?" He said, "Well, it's embarrassing that she's pushing 50 and only getting married now. She should have been married in her 20s." Then he went on to say that he didn't want to walk her down the aisle and was trying to talk her out of it. I ended the conversation shortly after.

And I've been feeling very sad and depressed since I got off the phone with him. This will be one of (if not *the*) happiest day of my half-sister's life and my dad is embarrassed! And he doesn't even have the filter or self-awareness to *not* share that with me. I am also unmarried, and like my sister have never been married, and am heading towards middle age. Is he embarrassed about me too? Why do I care? I know how toxic he can be and usually I'm really good about keeping an emotional distance. I've managed to set really good boundaries over the last few years. I've managed to be really centered during the few times I interact with him and not let his issues get to me. But for some reason, that comment of his this morning really struck me and really hurt. What kind of person is embarrassed by their adult child's marriage? (yet, I know the answer: a disordered person).

I know who my dad is and I know that he will not change. I have no expectations of him. So how do I get past the triggers? Or do I just need to accept that I will be triggered at times and I just have to lean in and work through it?

[Suzn]

But for some reason, that comment of his this morning really struck me and really hurt.

I'm sorry this hurt you. I think it would be a little unsettling for me too. What bride wants to think her dad isn't proud to walk her down the isle?

I know who my dad is and I know that he will not change. I have no expectations of him. So how do I get past the triggers? Or do I just need to accept that I will be triggered at times and I just have to lean in and work through it?

I would think any situation where we need a parent to show their love appropriately would hurt, even if just a little, when they can't do it. I think being disappointed that they can't is normal.

I've learned the best way to cope with triggers is with self care and acknowledging the hurt the child within me feels. I have accepted there will always be a trigger point here or there, we all get angry or feel uncomfortable at times and I think it helps to lean in and work through it.

How are you coping with these triggers?