Difficulty maintaining n/c (8 days) and daily nightmares

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all, I am so glad that this safe place exists. I found this place while trying to make sense of what happened in the past few months. I posted a few days ago about my (30M) tumultuous 7 month relationship with an uBPDex (29F) -- she was a long time friend (8+ years) and we dated for about 7 months. I moved in at her behest a week ago, we got engaged, and it just imploded... I had always suspected BPD and thanks to all the tools and lessons i learned here, I was able to recognize the signs. When the push/pull/intimidation came, I was firm and i was swift. I'm still struggling and doubting my decision as I really felt like I had never loved nor felt as loved as much as with her


I'm glad I got out when I did...



and I was the one that left, but why do I feel like I was the one that was dumped?


I'm keeping myself busy with work and friends, but i find myself ruminating time to time. I know I can't expect to have closure with her and have to find it within myself. I knew I would feel the pressure of n/c and went all out by blocking her on every social media, messaging app, and phone.

She did call me a day or two ago from an unknown number. I listened to her voicemail and she sounded COMPLETELY normal: "Hey it's me, just wondering how you're doing, call me when you get the chance!" I must've listened to it a dozen times, nitpicking the tone of her voice and wondering if i had overreacted by walking out the door. I'm ashamed that it got to me so strongly. Re-reading posts here made me realize the absurdity of the moment, I laughed and erased the message... .That was too close for comfort! Seriously, the last 2-3 days with her I could do nothing right, and the things i promised to work on, she doesn't remember that I tried.

I keep having nightmares where I find myself back with her and i wake up in cold sweats. I'm questioning if I was too harsh with the n/c and wonder how she's holding up (i know i shouldn't think this because they don't feel consequences). She sounded so normal in her voicemail...

thank you for listening to my rant, i already feel so much better as I start this day.

I keep hoping that it'll get better... and maybe it'll get worse before it gets better! I read somewhere on here that in order to feel ultimate happiness, one must feel pain.

[rotiroti]

Hi all, I am so glad that this safe place exists. I found this place while trying to make sense of what happened in the past few months. I posted a few days ago about my (30M) tumultuous 7 month relationship with an uBPDex (29F) -- she was a long time friend (8+ years) and we dated for about 7 months. I moved in at her behest a week ago, we got engaged, and it just imploded... I had always suspected BPD and thanks to all the tools and lessons i learned here, I was able to recognize the signs. When the push/pull/intimidation came, I was firm and i was swift. I'm still struggling and doubting my decision as I really felt like I had never loved nor felt as loved as much as with her


I'm glad I got out when I did...



and I was the one that left, but why do I feel like I was the one that was dumped?


I'm keeping myself busy with work and friends, but i find myself ruminating time to time. I know I can't expect to have closure with her and have to find it within myself. I knew I would feel the pressure of n/c and went all out by blocking her on every social media, messaging app, and phone.

She did call me a day or two ago from an unknown number. I listened to her voicemail and she sounded COMPLETELY normal: "Hey it's me, just wondering how you're doing, call me when you get the chance!" I must've listened to it a dozen times, nitpicking the tone of her voice and wondering if i had overreacted by walking out the door. I'm ashamed that it got to me so strongly. Re-reading posts here made me realize the absurdity of the moment, I laughed and erased the message... .That was too close for comfort! Seriously, the last 2-3 days with her I could do nothing right, and the things i promised to work on, she doesn't remember that I tried.

I keep having nightmares where I find myself back with her and i wake up in cold sweats. I'm questioning if I was too harsh with the n/c and wonder how she's holding up (i know i shouldn't think this because they don't feel consequences). She sounded so normal in her voicemail...

thank you for listening to my rant, i already feel so much better as I start this day.

I keep hoping that it'll get better... and maybe it'll get worse before it gets better! I read somewhere on here that in order to feel ultimate happiness, one must feel pain.

[zipline]

I keep having nightmares where I find myself back with her and i wake up in cold sweats. I'm questioning if I was too harsh with the n/c and wonder how she's holding up (i know i shouldn't think this because they don't feel consequences). She sounded so normal in her voicemail...

Hi rotiroti. What are the nightmares about, if you don't mind me asking? You're back with her and what -- It's great? It's terrible? 

My uBPDexgf ended our relationship in mid-March, at an extremely low and emotionally needed point for me.  A week later, I started to have dreams about her. It was seriously every night for about 1.5 months. They weren't nightmares, per se, but these playing out interactions that never happened. It was exhausting. It also passed.

[rotiroti]

I keep having nightmares where I find myself back with her and i wake up in cold sweats. I'm questioning if I was too harsh with the n/c and wonder how she's holding up (i know i shouldn't think this because they don't feel consequences). She sounded so normal in her voicemail...

Hi rotiroti. What are the nightmares about, if you don't mind me asking? You're back with her and what -- It's great? It's terrible? 

My uBPDexgf ended our relationship in mid-March, at an extremely low and emotionally needed point for me.  A week later, I started to have dreams about her. It was seriously every night for about 1.5 months. They weren't nightmares, per se, but these playing out interactions that never happened. It was exhausting. It also passed.

Zipline thank you for your response and it really has me thinking about the dreams. They're a mixbag of things:

1. feeling the excitement of her (replaying some memories)

2. terrified i'm making a mistake

3. feeling jealous

4. As you say, interactions that never happened

this is mixed with self-doubt in my decision when i wake up in a cold-sweat and i feel down on myself. THere were so many red flags, yet i keep overlooking them. Maybe she really isn't BPD, maybe it's me who is? i know i really shouldn't. Sorry to hear what happened, was there anything that helped you with the passing of the dreams? Did she ever try to recycle? How did you stay strong?

[zipline]

Zipline thank you for your response and it really has me thinking about the dreams. They're a mixbag of things:

1. feeling the excitement of her (replaying some memories)

2. terrified i'm making a mistake

3. feeling jealous

4. As you say, interactions that never happened

this is mixed with self-doubt in my decision when i wake up in a cold-sweat and i feel down on myself. i know i really shouldn't. Sorry to hear what happened, was there anything that helped you with the passing of the dreams? Did she ever try to recycle? How did you stay strong?

I've been in therapy and talking to him about the dreams helps a lot. In fact being in therapy has been important across the board. I don't know if it helped the dreams pass more quickly or prolong them, but it helped me learn about myself and uncover what was in my subconscious.  :)reams are important and you don't have to get new-agey to buy into that.

She never tried to recycle and I don't believe she ever will. I saw how she thought of her past loves and they are as dead to her as I am now. In a way that's a huge blessing for me. The thing about your exgf sounding normal is that if she truly is uBPD, then there is no normal, just more chaos waiting to happen. You might want to politely write back and request that she not contact you again. If she respects you and cares about you, then she'll abide -- bottom line.  Get yourself to a point where you're not having dreams and have a stronger sense of self that's independent of the relationship. Give it a few months. Then if you decide to contact, that's up to you. By then you'll be thinking about yourself, her, and the relationship differently.

I'm not strong. After we broke up it was NC without either of us talking about it explicitly -- just happened that way. A month later, I wrote to her and asked for copies of photos she'd taken on one of our trips. She sent them and asked for mine. I sent them. I was absolutely broken at this stage and all I wanted most in the world was to hear her tell me that she loved me again, to touch my hand again, to feel her warmth again, bla, bla, bla.  I was fixated on the highs, completely blocking out the lows.  So I wrote her and told her how much I missed her.  She wrote back three days later telling me that she didn't need or want to know how I felt and that I shouldn't contact her again.  

I haven't. She set a boundary and I haven't crossed it.

I am trying to be rigorously honest, emotionally and psychologically, with myself and objective about the situation. I also understand that while she never showed me real respect, if I care about her as I did and do, then I have to, regardless of the underlying pathology, respect her decision to leave me forever. One thing I need to constantly be in touch with is that we gravitated towards each other because we were both looking for something. Yeah, I can be pissed or feel sorry for her (or myself), but I more than willingly jumped in headfirst and I want to know why.

Sorry for the long response. Obviously I'm thinking about this stuff a lot these days.

[rotiroti]

zipline, no need to apologize. it's refreshing to hear another's perspective. I agree that it is a blessing about no recycles, it break my heart to read about the non-ending cycle on the board. Lots of respect to you for bring strong!

There are many point i want to respond to as there are so many things hitting home.

Especially: " I was fixated on the highs, completely blocking out the lows. " I forgot how much it hurt when she started saying cruel things. About how *I* was not the person she thought i was, how everything was my fault, how i'm what's wrong with the world. This was someone who told me that I was the one just up until a week prior.

[zipline]

Especially: " I was fixated on the highs, completely blocking out the lows. " I forgot how much it hurt when she started saying cruel things. About how *I* was not the person she thought i was, how everything was my fault, how i'm what's wrong with the world. This was someone who told me that I was the one just up until a week prior.

I absolutely felt the same way. It's devastatingly brutal. "How could someone who told me X, over and over suddenly do Y?" I've read on this board that we need to pay attention to deeds, not words.  Focusing on the deeds, what she actually did, how she actually acted towards me has helped me. Reading about BPD has also helped me understand that those highs were not as high as I once thought. Idealization is not love. 

[rotiroti]

Especially: " I was fixated on the highs, completely blocking out the lows. " I forgot how much it hurt when she started saying cruel things. About how *I* was not the person she thought i was, how everything was my fault, how i'm what's wrong with the world. This was someone who told me that I was the one just up until a week prior.

I absolutely felt the same way. It's devastatingly brutal. "How could someone who told me X, over and over suddenly do Y?" I've read on this board that we need to pay attention to deeds, not words.  Focusing on the deeds, what she actually did, how she actually acted towards me has helped me. Reading about BPD has also helped me understand that those highs were not as high as I once thought. Idealization is not love. 

"Idealization is not love"

spot. on.

I never thought about focusing on the deed over the words. It's making my blood boil realizing that she didn't put in an ounce of effort... So glad I'm here reading and understanding that actions for BPDexs do not follow logic. Helps make sense of things!

thanks again zip