My epiphany... she saw her old drug using self in me

[Pacify]

Me and my ex-BPD are recovering drug addicts, a year and a half or so.  Think it possible she saw her old drug using self in me?

 She claimed our relationship (me) caused to much stress.   sent her into a few rages, and some splitting where she called me some pretty mean stuff, a few times referencing that I took 8 pain pills at once.

[fromheeltoheal]

Drugs and alcohol are not always the problem, or more accurately they can start out as the solution and then create problems of their own.  Borderlines, and a lot of 'normal' people, are impulsive, and impulsiveness is a trait of the disorder, and may include substance abuse, random sex, cutting, binge eating, all done to try and manage emotions that don't seem to be manageable any other way at the time.  And who hasn't had a bad day at work or whatever and then had a few drinks to 'take the edge off'?

She claimed our relationship (me) caused to much stress.

If she does indeed have the disorder, it did.  Borderlines are in constant fear of both abandonment and engulfment and as a relationship intensifies, with the partner trying to get closer and be emotionally intimate, those fears get triggered, meaning the borderline experiences intense emotions around those fears that they can't manage, and can get labeled 'stress'.

[Low C]

 She claimed our relationship (me) caused to much stress.  

It did, but that doesn't mean that you did anything wrong, or that's there's anything wrong with you.  I mentioned on another topic recently that my ex seemed to be triggered by sickness.  I remember her getting very angry at her family one holiday when she was home for a visit and several of them came down with the flu.  And, she seemed to get distant or angry with me once or twice when I got sick.  To her, sickness, even just a flu=being mortal, and mortality=abandonment.  There's just no winning, or being so perfect, for someone who can be triggered just by the remote thought that someday you might abandon them by dying.  No one's life is that free of trouble.

My ex did seem to often say of me, and of others, that they reminded her of herself, and she did indicate on occasions that she seemed to think that her life was full of patterns and seemed to expect that certain events would repeat.  

For instance, a former boyfriend of hers became involved with a younger woman after she and he had split up.  Therefore, she located the youngest person in any social circle connected to me--the girlfriend of a much younger Facebook friend whom I rarely interacted with--and my ex became absolutely certain that I was planning on leaving her for this younger woman.

Your feelings that your ex saw herself in you, and maybe was triggered by that, or the possibility of patterns, definitely matches up with my experience of this disorder.  Good luck!

[myself]

A pwBPD sees things as black or white. Negative or positive. Hot or cold. Here or gone. The closer you get, the better and worse it can be. It's very likely she could see her negatives in you and then react 'accordingly' (besides just relating as a fellow human going through recovery from drugs, there is mirroring and projection in these relationships which are ways to both avoid and be part of what's really there, internally as well as in others). It's also likely she could see her positives in you, relating in ways which BPD would soon flip into something negative to be run from/raged against. It's a life of pretty consistent push and pull. Talk about stressful.

[Pacify]

Black/white, Push/pull, engulfment/abandonment = stress

Never could figure out why she would breakup with me over seemingly trivial matters.


Was I maybe taking this all to seriously?

Is there a happy middle-ground?    or the more I adjust then the more she will raise the bar?

[fromheeltoheal]

Was I maybe taking this all to seriously?

You were probably trying to have a 'normal' relationship but didn't realize what her priorities were, which are very different than someone with a personality disorder.

Is there a happy middle-ground?    or the more I adjust then the more she will raise the bar?

There is a happy middle ground, between the fears of abandonment and engulfment, although it's always moving.  Check out some posts on the Staying board to see what people who are committed to the relationship do to manage their expectations and navigate the disorder.  Way too much work for me, but some see the relationship as beneficial overall.

[FannyB]

Is there a  happy middle-ground?    or the more I adjust then the more she will raise the bar?

Mine continually raised the bar - until the bar broke! 

Heel is right though - there are success stories on the staying board. You might  have heard that BPD is a 'spectrum' disorder. I'd try and work out which end  of the spectrum yours inhabits before investing too much time trying to make a go of it.  Best of luck, either way though.

Fanny

[fromheeltoheal]

Was I maybe taking this all to seriously?

You were probably trying to have a 'normal' relationship but didn't realize what her priorities were, which are very different than someone with a personality disorder.

I meant 'without' a personality disorder, too late to edit.  You probably knew that.  Carry on.

[Pacify]

Was I maybe taking this all to seriously?

You were probably trying to have a 'normal' relationship but didn't realize what her priorities were, which are very different than someone with a personality disorder.

I meant 'without' a personality disorder, too late to edit.  You probably knew that.  Carry on.

Good thing i didnt notice.  Could have turned out very bad finding this out also   

[Pacify]

BPD is a 'spectrum' disorder.

  It seems to me she is high in N because she doesn't admit to any faults and projects to me a lot of things she is doing.  She may just be a Narcissist but Ive never heard her with

visions of grandeur.

Not communicating and saying i am just not listening.

Never once apologized for anything by somehow making it my fault.

Misunderstands me ALL the time and feeling it is a threat or criticism.

 

  I would believe this is going to make any chance of a successful relationship impossible due to High narcissism?

Do I understand this correct?

[fromheeltoheal]

BPD is a 'spectrum' disorder.

  It seems to me she is high in N because she doesn't admit to any faults and projects to me a lot of things she is doing.  She may just be a Narcissist but Ive never heard her with

visions of grandeur.

Not communicating and saying i am just not listening.

Never once apologized for anything by somehow making it my fault.

Misunderstands me ALL the time and feeling it is a threat or criticism.

 

  I would believe this is going to make any chance of a successful relationship impossible due to High narcissism?

Do I understand this correct?

Narcissistic behavior is exhibited by borderlines as a defense to BPD sometimes too, an overreaction to feelings of worthlessness and shame; my ex was convinced she was the most awesome woman in the universe, because the alternative was too painful, and I needed to be mighty grateful I was with such an awesome woman too or there'd be hell to pay.  Blech. 

We can't diagnose disorders, and it doesn't really matter anyway, the resulting behaviors are either acceptable to us or they're not, but if you read the list of traits of BPD and the stories here and connect with them, see your ex in them, then chances are: if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck it's probably a duck.  And the spectrum Fanny is referring to is the continuum that the disorder exists on: we all exhibit some of the traits some of the time, the criteria for a clinical diagnosis is that someone exhibits several of them all the time, and most of our exes wouldn't meet the criteria for severe BPD with institutionalization and the like.  Again, the behaviors, how they affect us, and what we're going to do about it are what matter, regardless of the severity.

[FannyB]

BPD is a 'spectrum' disorder.

  I would believe this is going to make any chance of a successful relationship impossible due to High narcissism?

Do I understand this correct?

Hi Pacify

FHTH puts this so much more eloquently than I do, so I'll cut to the chase. The worse your borderline's behaviours are, the more essential it is that she is undergoing treatment if you're to have a fair shot at a workable LTR. My ex was a real sweetie in comparison to many of the tales of horror on these boards and I don't think I could have made it work even by utilising the tools on the Staying Board. I simply lack the emotional resilience to cope with such an undertaking - do you possess it? 


Fanny

[Pacify]

Mine seems worse than most.

Her behavior is so bizarre I cant understand how she doesn't see it!