Why not burn the bridge?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm tired of being the victim of a BPD ex. She found a replacement before she left. Now she is blissfully in love and hasn't had to think or feel anything about the consequences of her actions. Yet here I am working to figure all this out, hurt, and being beyond angry at her and her actions. So why not let her know exactly how I feel and what she has done? Will she understand it and accept it? No. But who cares. I would finally get everything off of my chest that has been building and that I have wanted to say to her. If my time now is supposed to be about me and doing things to make me feel better, then why not let it all out and burn her? I hate her guts and have nothing to loose.

[otp86]

I'm tired of being the victim of a BPD ex. She found a replacement before she left. Now she is blissfully in love and hasn't had to think or feel anything about the consequences of her actions. Yet here I am working to figure all this out, hurt, and being beyond angry at her and her actions. So why not let her know exactly how I feel and what she has done? Will she understand it and accept it? No. But who cares. I would finally get everything off of my chest that has been building and that I have wanted to say to her. If my time now is supposed to be about me and doing things to make me feel better, then why not let it all out and burn her? I hate her guts and have nothing to loose.

[disorderedsociety]

Actually you have much to lose and you'll realize that when she replies with something painful.

[jhkbuzz]

I'm tired of being the victim of a BPD ex. She found a replacement before she left. Now she is blissfully in love and hasn't had to think or feel anything about the consequences of her actions. Yet here I am working to figure all this out, hurt, and being beyond angry at her and her actions. So why not let her know exactly how I feel and what she has done? Will she understand it and accept it? No. But who cares. I would finally get everything off of my chest that has been building and that I have wanted to say to her. If my time now is supposed to be about me and doing things to make me feel better, then why not let it all out and burn her? I hate her guts and have nothing to loose.

I am sorry for what you're suffering through - I know how much it hurts. And your feelings of anger are not only understandable, but a natural stage in your grieving.

It is likely that you will eventually regret any decisions you make in anger; why not write a letter that expresses your emotions - without sending it? You could definitely post it here as a 'way to get it all out.'

We're here for you.

[Suzn]

If my time now is supposed to be about me and doing things to make me feel better, then why not let it all out and burn her? I hate her guts and have nothing to loose.

I get it. Felt the same way at first. There are a couple things you have to lose. Your self respect and no one pointing the finger in your direction saying "ah, that's why she left."

Being hurt and angry are normal. Wanting revenge is unhealthy and could buy you a lot more heartache.  

[fromheeltoheal]

i agree with jhk; tell us, vent here, you'll feel better.  She lost, you lost, the only winner is the disorder, and although the anger and desire for revenge are completely understandable and normal, it's best to cut your losses and find another outlet, because chances are it will only make things worse, you'll regret it, and you don't know what a person with a mental illness is really capable of if you push it.  Think restraining orders, false claims of rape and violence, property damage, you name it.  You don't want that.

[Infared]

I know exactly how you feel. I had to endure the exact same circumstances.  I had to work very hard at taking the higher road. I had all of the feelings that you have and got so, so angry sometimes and wanted revenge... .but I figured out ways to vent my anger... .you see... .I just did not want to act as selfishly, as immature and mean the way she did.  From what I could see of her sick behavior she would have enjoyed seeing me angry. Would have loved it.

I started to see how sick she really was when she and my replacement would act-out in front of me like 7th-graders to cause me emotional pain... .So I always just stayed even, walked away and did not respond. Eventually I was able to go completely NC... .and have rebuked her drive-byes, ambushes etc. etc.

I did this to protect me and to be the mature adult. The unexpected dividend is when their was more space between us, I was really proud of myself for taking the higher road, not being angry and abusive... .I had really loved her and conducted myself as if I really did. I as also loving myself too by not engaging in her nonsense and games... .and it helped me regain my self esteem after the damage of how I had been treated.

I say vent here. Write the letter... .write 10 of them, but don't send them.

In my case I also slowly realized that acting maturely and going total NC made her a little crazy  ... .she was so used to having control of men and creating all this drama. I did not give her that enjoyment.   

[Kelli Cornett]

The best revenge is to forget about them. Being irrelevant is their worst fear in a way. You being happy without them as well.


I totally understand the wanting to get even that way though. It just never seemed to work when I tried. He always some how got the last laugh. It was so annoying.


But when I disappeared he couldn't

[valet]

Hey otp86, I get your pain and anger over the situation with your BPDex.

Picking ourselves back up is difficult, and restraining ourselves from outbursts and the desire to inflict pain on our former partners is even more so.

Think about it this, though. Wouldn't you just prove to her that you are still emotionally invested if you were to express your anger?

Detachment is the gradual process of restraining ourselves to the point at which the focus is once again solely on us. I know it's hard. It takes work. But you can use moments like these as learning opportunities. How can you better yourself here?

[going places]

I'm tired of being the victim of a BPD ex.

WOWosh that was my first step to recovery.

When I said, out loud, I AM SICK of being a victim.

That's when I stopped in my tracks, found an advocate, started reading; and every single day, replaced old thoughts w/ new, positive, future focused thoughts.

I am 100% a different person today than I was on this day, last year.

This is good news for you, that you are tired of being a victim!

She found a replacement before she left. Now she is blissfully in love and hasn't had to think or feel anything about the consequences of her actions.

Who cares. Who cares what or who she's doing.

Focus on you.

Yet here I am working to figure all this out, hurt, and being beyond angry at her and her actions. So why not let her know exactly how I feel and what she has done?

Journal. Write everything down on paper. Not computer. Paper.

Find someone you can confide in, and when you need to puke up all the negative, do so.

Find a secluded spot, and speak it out loud to the Lord (or the universe, if you do not Believe).

But get it out... .and do not include her.

This is for YOUR healing. Period.

Will she understand it and accept it? No. But who cares. I would finally get everything off of my chest that has been building and that I have wanted to say to her. If my time now is supposed to be about me and doing things to make me feel better, then why not let it all out and burn her? I hate her guts and have nothing to loose.

You are in the angry stage... .been there (got all 4 tires stuck in the angry stage and it took FOREVER for the tow truck to arrive!  )

Prayer and constant communication with God was my main stay. My life line.

If you are not a Believer, you can journal it, speak it to a friend/counselor or the universe or all 3, but leave her out. Do not address her. No email, no text, no social media, no snail mail, no nothing.

If you have too block her on everything so you are not tempted.

[Pretty Woman]

Don't do it. Write her a letter and post it here.

Don't send or say anything.

Once you've been split there is no negotiating or reasoning. In her mind she is in love with someone else and it's YOUR fault.  All she will do is gaslight you and make you feel worse.

I am in your shoes. Here I am on vacation in Mexico.  My ex replaced me three weeks before this trip and told me she is madly in love with another.

Nothing is a bigger kick in the nuts than that. Here I am in paradise ruminating while she is getting loved up with her new victim.

Just post what you need to say here. Don't hurt yourself more with contact.

PW

[otp86]

Thank you everyone for your responses. This place is great and it helps to know I'm not the only one, and that there are still good people in this world. I have at least 10 long saved emails in my drafts folder where I have vented my frustrations and hatred. I used my 2nd email as the address so I didn't accidentally send them to her. Its kind of interesting to re-read them and see the progession of my feelings as time moves on. I've been good with writing it all out to help get it out of me and my system. And I've been good with staying NC because if we did talk, I would probably burn the s*** out of that bridge. Haven't heard a peep since she decided she didn't want to "adult" anymore.

I keep trying to remind myself to be mature, she has a disorder, take the high road, and that her time will eventually come. But it's hard when it feels like she is getting a "pass." If nobody ever tells her, she will never feel or think of the level of destruction she leaves in her path. She can't go on thinking this is ok.

In my scenario it makes it worse that the gf I had before her was the kindest, most genuine person I have ever met. She died tragically in a car accident. It was devestating and it wrecked me. There was nobody at fault in that pain, nobody to be angry with. This is in some ways not even close to being as bad, but in some ways worse. This is a pain caused by the person I loved the most turning 180°. Doing and saying evil, soulless things to the person she said she wanted to spend eternity with. It's hard to accept there are people in the world like this, and that I was unlucky enough to get caught in her s***show.

She is gone and happy again, not giving a second thought to what she has done. But I am the one stuck living with her scars. That p***** me off more than anything. My life is on hold while I put the pieces of my puzzle back together again. But because of her the puzzle is different and its difficult to know how to put it back together. I'm just slowly trying to make it better than it was before. Thanks again everyone

[dobie]

I have to disagree I'm still very angry at myself for not sticking up for myself more and telling her what a truly awful person she is when I had the chance .

But I was so shocked and hurt and I'd turned into a total p@@@y over the last few years .

Even worse I sent her emails expressing my fondness and love for her  


Now it's too late and I would just look bitter and invested .


Mine was high functioning so little threat of any of retaliation  ymmv . if I saw her in a bar I would enjoy devaluing her and hurting her feelings  I don't care if that's the low road I would take great pleasure out of asserting myself and devaluing her .

My ex had traits and was not a real pity case like some of the lower functioning BPD'ers who I have more empathy and compassion for .

These people or at least my ex was a bully they only respect other bullies

And trust me she is playing the victim so don't worry about that if you do decide to give her a piece of your mind .

[maric]

Hey man,

sorry for that... .yes, plenty of us know how bad it hurts. But I would echo others in this thread: don't send it. As for myself, I had my bridges burned and I still regret it. She did not take any responsability for anything anyway and plus, I was left like the angry, bitterful and resentful one.

Write everything you want to say to her, but don't send it. Post it here, others will comment on your thoughts and you will feel better.

It took me ONE YEAR to heal, and sometimes I still hurt. She's already remarried and is traveling around the world with my replacement. I was left to pick up my pieces too. So, talk about pain... .

We got you. She does not.

Best!

[cosmonaut]

I understand, otp86.  The way in which a pwBPD can turn on us - both the suddenness and the viciousness - is one of the very worst aspects of the disorder.  It was a surreal experience for me too, and a heartbreaking one.  It hurts tremendously to watch someone we love run from us, split us, blame us.  Even abuse us.  To see everything disintegrate and not be able to do much about it.  And the truth is, we can't do much about it.  It is a process that is occurring inside of our partner and we can't control it.   That is brutally hard to experience.  I can say with conviction it was the worst experience of my life.  No other breakup can begin to compare.

It's normal to be angry about this.  All of us have been.  It's a necessary stage of grief, and we are indeed grieving.  We have suffered a real loss.  It's good that you are in touch with that anger and can express it.  You need to do that.  Keep doing it in a healthy manner.  Post your anger here, tell your therapist and friends about it, write it down (but don't send it).  These are all great ways to work through that anger.

Hang in there.  I know this is an extremely difficult time for you, but we are all here to support you through it.  It may be hard to see right now, but things will get easier with time.  The anger will eventually subside and the pain will dull.  I can say that all from personal experience.  So, hang in there.  Keep working through your emotions and exploring where they are coming from.  Healing will come.

[peacefulmind]

There is a lot of good information to be gained from the people who have responded in this thread opt. I sincerely feel for you and what you're going through. It's never easy to be let down by the person that means the most in the world.

I would chime in with telling you what helped me immensely. When I initially started therapy, I was very con this idea, and would never have thought how much it would help. The first assignment I was given, was to write a letter (as suggested), but the twist was to write it and tell my ex how she made ME feel. It is very easy to get caught up in "You're the worst person... You're horrible for what you've done... ", and allowing myself to focus the letter on me, and how my ex had made me feel, led to a deeper understanding of what I had to work with. This task made me realize that the hate I still carried did not do anything for me, other than keeping myself in a loop. Hatred breeds obsession, and obsession breeds ruminance. They are very hard feelings to let go of and it's a crucial part of your grieving. Do not let yourself not feel these emotions, but I think cosmonaut nailed it when he said that you should explore excactly where those feelings are coming from. Personally, I've begun to realize that was I was mostly mad about was the many broken promises and the discard at the worst possible time in my life. But when I started looking inwards, I realized that those empty promises were all enabled by me. By letting my ex understand what I wanted from life, and how I expected our relationship to evolve, it was an open door into my very deepest wishes and wantings in life. Instead of stopping myself and read into the dynamics that were going on very early in the relationship, I let myself be blindsided by the idealization. For that, I'm angry with myself. Adding to that, I carry childhood traumas myself that I have to work on to avoid this kind of relationship again, something that takes away my focus from everything that has went on.

As has been said many times, you must focus on yourself. Letting your ex know how he/she has made you feel will bring nothing but further pain and set back your healing. You say that you have no problem staying NC - that's good and positive for you. It may not feel that way, but once the detachment process speeds up, you will understand why it's so crucial to allow yourself to feel your emotions completely, without interference or a possibility for thoughts of reconciliation.

I wish you the best, and remember, this family is amazing and will guide you and support you through your darkest moments.

[otp86]

Personally, I've begun to realize that was I was mostly mad about was the many broken promises and the discard at the worst possible time in my life. But when I started looking inwards, I realized that those empty promises were all enabled by me. By letting my ex understand what I wanted from life, and how I expected our relationship to evolve, it was an open door into my very deepest wishes and wantings in life. Instead of stopping myself and read into the dynamics that were going on very early in the relationship, I let myself be blindsided by the idealization. For that, I'm angry with myself.

This is very interesting stuff right here. Please correct me if I am misunderstanding you. It sounds to me like you wished you were more aware and hesitant of giving them an "open door into my very deepest wishes and wanting in life." I can relate to that. I guess I don't know well enough the warning signs, or maybe just wasn't paying attention to them. I was caught up in something I thought was real. I took it for granted that it was real, that she was real. But I hate the fact that from now on I have to be guarded and to a point can't trust anyone. I haven't given my full heart to many girls, but when I do I'm all in, 100%. Now I am afraid that because I have "baggage", and that I need to be guarded, that it will come off as having commitment issues in a bad way. I guess that's something for me and my counselor to discuss and work on. Thanks for the insite. It's refreshing, but also depressing knowing how long of a road is ahead of me. I just want to totally forget, live life, and find happiness again.

[peacefulmind]

Personally, I've begun to realize that was I was mostly mad about was the many broken promises and the discard at the worst possible time in my life. But when I started looking inwards, I realized that those empty promises were all enabled by me. By letting my ex understand what I wanted from life, and how I expected our relationship to evolve, it was an open door into my very deepest wishes and wantings in life. Instead of stopping myself and read into the dynamics that were going on very early in the relationship, I let myself be blindsided by the idealization. For that, I'm angry with myself.

This is very interesting stuff right here. Please correct me if I am misunderstanding you. It sounds to me like you wished you were more aware and hesitant of giving them an "open door into my very deepest wishes and wanting in life." I can relate to that. I guess I don't know well enough the warning signs, or maybe just wasn't paying attention to them. I was caught up in something I thought was real. I took it for granted that it was real, that she was real. But I hate the fact that from now on I have to be guarded and to a point can't trust anyone. I haven't given my full heart to many girls, but when I do I'm all in, 100%. Now I am afraid that because I have "baggage", and that I need to be guarded, that it will come off as having commitment issues in a bad way. I guess that's something for me and my counselor to discuss and work on. Thanks for the insite. It's refreshing, but also depressing knowing how long of a road is ahead of me. I just want to totally forget, live life, and find happiness again.

All in due time, opt. For now, you need to take care of yourself and not be too hard on yourself. There's nothing constructive in that. You've been through an emotional nightmare, and I understand your pain. The only reason why I'm sharing my own epiphany, is so that you can use that as a reference if you ever feel the need to. Many of our stories share the same storyline, but ultimately, we're all responsible for our own actions with each our ex, BPD or not.

I haven't allowed myself to think forward to another relationship, and it will likely take a long time before I feel that I'm in that place. I'm sure it is a point we will all reach, but while we're in the midst of it, there's usually not much hope. I felt the same way, that my baggage would ultimately make me unable to ever trust anyone again, but I've come to understand that this baggage is far from the biggest issue for me. Self-reflection is key, but not until you're ready for it. As I said, I think it is wise to let yourself feel the emotions and learn from them, and once you've gotten past the first hurdle, start using the pain as a motivation for digging deeper into your own psyche. It can be a painful journey, it has been for me, but I am reaching a much more detailed understanding of the entire process, being with a BPD and how my own life has led me to this point. I do believe that at some point I will see it as a blessing, since it allows for me to look inwards, fix what is broken, and hopefully resurface a lot stronger from it. This is something we are capable of as humans, and it's one of the most valuable assets we can bring along in our lives.

Stay strong, work on yourself, your emotions, and everything associated with it. When you're ready, I would suggest for you to shift focus onto yourself and what led you into the relationship in the first place.

All the best.

[Infared]

"I keep trying to remind myself to be mature, she has a disorder, take the high road, and that her time will eventually come. But it's hard when it feels like she is getting a "pass." If nobody ever tells her, she will never feel or think of the level of destruction she leaves in her path. She can't go on thinking this is ok."

I found that my ex just blamed me and sailed down the river called de-Nile.  Any thing I said had no meaning to her because she had her new shiny toy to worship and he was worshiping her.  I was just deleted.  (except for drive-byes and ambushes. ... .would have been Facebook too, but I do not do that... .saved a lot of pain there!  *)0

All I could do was move on and lick my wounds... .there was no fighting that, convincing her or making anything right.  The only thing that awaited me there was abuse.  I HAD to take care of me... .

Painful stuff when you love someone.

[Trog]

Burn the bridge, but do it in your mind. Then when she/he comes running back, as they always do, you won't give a damn and that will hurt them much more than an angry email. And if they don't come back to try to Charm, well, you'll already have forgotten them.

Not that we want to hurt them of course... .not much... .Maybe just a little tickle.

[Invictus01]

I actually think it is pretty damn near impossible to do, to burn a bridge with a personality disordered person. You see, to burn a bridge, both parties need to be in an agreement about what a bridge is and what fire is. When you are dealing with a Cluster B personality disordered person, you are dealing with a mentally ill individual who more often than not doesn't perceive things and action the same way you do. A very simple example. If you were in a relationship with somebody for 6+ months, would you ever consider just out of nowhere disappear like that person never existed? A normal person would consider it a burned bridge, right? Would you then ever consider, a few months down the road pop up in that person's life like nothing happened? A normal person would never even consider it, right? Yet, more often than not, that's what happens with a personality disordered person. Forget that, the kind of hurtful things they say and do on a consistent basis. There is no way they perceive them the same way you do. And the same goes the other direction. You could yell and scream all sorts of hurtful things (well, hurtful by a normal mind's standard) and a personality disordered person would somehow rationalize away things and nothing will phase them. Add to it that pretty often a person has different flavors of personality disorders,  if a personality disordered person got some NPD or sociopath in them, your attempt to "burn a bridge" is nothing but entertainment to them.

[Infared]

I actually think it is pretty damn near impossible to do, to burn a bridge with a personality disordered person. You see, to burn a bridge, both parties need to be in an agreement about what a bridge is and what fire is. When you are dealing with a Cluster B personality disordered person, you are dealing with a mentally ill individual who more often than not doesn't perceive things and action the same way you do. A very simple example. If you were in a relationship with somebody for 6+ months, would you ever consider just out of nowhere disappear like that person never existed? A normal person would consider it a burned bridge, right? Would you then ever consider, a few months down the road pop up in that person's life like nothing happened? A normal person would never even consider it, right? Yet, more often than not, that's what happens with a personality disordered person. Forget that, the kind of hurtful things they say and do on a consistent basis. There is no way they perceive them the same way you do. And the same goes the other direction. You could yell and scream all sorts of hurtful things (well, hurtful by a normal mind's standard) and a personality disordered person would somehow rationalize away things and nothing will phase them. Add to it that pretty often a person has different flavors of personality disorders,  if a personality disordered person got some NPD or sociopath in them, your attempt to "burn a bridge" is nothing but entertainment to them.

You really have a point. I experienced all of this. It's just all so sad.

[fromheeltoheal]

I actually think it is pretty damn near impossible to do, to burn a bridge with a personality disordered person. You see, to burn a bridge, both parties need to be in an agreement about what a bridge is and what fire is.

So what is a bridge?  A bridge is a connection between two pieces of land typically, with something impassable between, the reason for the bridge to begin with.  And it only takes one person to decide that the connection is no longer needed or welcome, at which point they can destroy the connection to their land and the bridge will fall.  Now, if the landowner on the other side misses the bridge and where it took them they can try and rebuild it, but both landowners need to agree, and if one doesn't there will be no new bridge.  Of course one landowner could buy a boat, or if it's a ravine, hiking boots, but that's a lot of work and inefficient, and if the land on the other side is inhospitable or there aren't any resources there, the landowner will tire of the trek and look for easier bridges to build.  It takes two people to build a bridge, but only one to destroy it.

[Invictus01]

So what is a bridge?  A bridge is a connection between two pieces of land typically, with something impassable between, the reason for the bridge to begin with.  And it only takes one person to decide that the connection is no longer needed or welcome, at which point they can destroy the connection to their land and the bridge will fall.  Now, if the landowner on the other side misses the bridge and where it took them they can try and rebuild it, but both landowners need to agree, and if one doesn't there will be no new bridge.  Of course one landowner could buy a boat, or if it's a ravine, hiking boots, but that's a lot of work and inefficient, and if the land on the other side is inhospitable or there aren't any resources there, the landowner will tire of the trek and look for easier bridges to build.  It takes two people to build a bridge, but only one to destroy it.

I think we are talking about different things. Burning a bridge is having a deliberate confrontation with somebody, knowing damn well that the most likely outcome of that confrontation will be the other person going "Never again will I have anything to do with that person". You burn a bridge when you go into an exit interview with your company and say such crazy things that you practically force the HR to say - "This guy will never work here again". If you decide for yourself that you never will work for that company again and never let the company know about it, you might have burned your road to the bridge on your side but as far as the company is concerned, the bridge is up and standing just fine. In this particular case, we are talking about a Non blowing up and having such a confrontation with a BPD where the BPD says "I am done, he/she hurt me so bad with his/her actions and words, never again will I be in touch with him/her" For that to happen, you have to be on the same page, you have to be perceiving things the same way. And most of the time, this isn't the case. Otherwise, these boards wouldn't be filled with people wondering "what the heck just happened to me?" They would know.

[dobie]

Burn the bridge, but do it in your mind. Then when she/he comes running back, as they always do, you won't give a damn and that will hurt them much more than an angry email. And if they don't come back to try to charm, well, you'll already have forgotten them.

Not that we want to hurt them of course... .not much... .Maybe just a little tickle.

I don't think the high functioning ones come back seems it's more the obvious BPD types but I could be wrong .

I know my ex never recycled or even made contact with exs

[fromheeltoheal]

So what is a bridge?  A bridge is a connection between two pieces of land typically, with something impassable between, the reason for the bridge to begin with.  And it only takes one person to decide that the connection is no longer needed or welcome, at which point they can destroy the connection to their land and the bridge will fall.  Now, if the landowner on the other side misses the bridge and where it took them they can try and rebuild it, but both landowners need to agree, and if one doesn't there will be no new bridge.  Of course one landowner could buy a boat, or if it's a ravine, hiking boots, but that's a lot of work and inefficient, and if the land on the other side is inhospitable or there aren't any resources there, the landowner will tire of the trek and look for easier bridges to build.  It takes two people to build a bridge, but only one to destroy it.

I think we are talking about different things. Burning a bridge is having a deliberate confrontation with somebody, knowing damn well that the most likely outcome of that confrontation will be the other person going "Never again will I have anything to do with that person". You burn a bridge when you go into an exit interview with your company and say such crazy things that you practically force the HR to say - "This guy will never work here again". If you decide for yourself that you never will work for that company again and never let the company know about it, you might have burned your road to the bridge on your side but as far as the company is concerned, the bridge is up and standing just fine. In this particular case, we are talking about a Non blowing up and having such a confrontation with a BPD where the BPD says "I am done, he/she hurt me so bad with his/her actions and words, never again will I be in touch with him/her" For that to happen, you have to be on the same page, you have to be perceiving things the same way. And most of the time, this isn't the case. Otherwise, these boards wouldn't be filled with people wondering "what the heck just happened to me?" They would know.

Yeah, you're right Invictus, I was just running with the bridge metaphor a little, reminds me of the river Kwai.

And I agree, my ex and I definitely weren't on the same page, to mix metaphors; I was going insane and completely done, and she had no idea why I wasn't happy.  And when I disappeared without a trace I watched the lights come on with periodic emails, a little bit of self awareness and a little bit of accepting of responsibility, way too little way too late, and she will never understand where I'm coming from, but I agree, for her there's probably the strand of a bridge, an attachment, something not to be let go of, ever, and I've known this gal for 30 years and fully expect to hear from her some day, some year, some decade.  It's crazy like that.

[Invictus01]

Yeah, you're right Invictus, I was just running with the bridge metaphor a little, reminds me of the river Kwai.

And I agree, my ex and I definitely weren't on the same page, to mix metaphors; I was going insane and completely done, and she had no idea why I wasn't happy.  And when I disappeared without a trace I watched the lights come on with periodic emails, a little bit of self awareness and a little bit of accepting of responsibility, way too little way too late, and she will never understand where I'm coming from, but I agree, for her there's probably the strand of a bridge, an attachment, something not to be let go of, ever, and I've known this gal for 30 years and fully expect to hear from her some day, some year, some decade.  It's crazy like that.

Yep, you pretty much are looking at the same river and from your side of the river, there is no bridge left while from her side of the river - "What do you mean? I see it right there!" 

[rosalita]

I am in the exact same place as you and it has been almost 6 months since I was abandoned. I obsess all day every day wondering what he is up to.  He is a work colleague so there is no escape. Some days i want revenge some days I know it won't do me any good but it is always there and I know it will hurt him if even for an hour or 2 it seems worth it to me. Nothing can take this pain away that I feel. I am suicidal, been on anti depressants, counselling. I feel stuck. I wonder if he ever loved me. He did make me happy but of course there were plenty of horrendous moments between us and even violence. Rage was constant. I haven't forgotten all this yet I can't let go. I am still on the belief that if he got help he and I could be together. If I was less codependant we could work. I know he doesn't want to be alone and has probably found someone new but to think he never thought of me after he left me? He constantly looked out for his ex when with me and remained friends with her, she left him. So I know he thought about at least one ex. When it says here they feel shame, what does this mean? And is this the reason he runs away from me when we cross paths? I am begging to think I am ill as well as him. Any help please?