I think I am ready to let go and let God.

[AloneAtLast]

I told God how angry I am with him the other day.  I am a baby Christian but I never thought I could do that.  I told him that this time, this time, he has given me too much.  I think He stepped in.  As sad as I am, this time the tears are cathartic.  It took a day for Him to come to my rescue.  He is doing it just right.

My story is no different from the countless other ones here.  My dad is a narcissist doing my mother's bidding.  Why would he do that at 84?  Well, it got back to the family, that I have little contact with anymore, that my health is failing.  My mother, the borderline, loves anything to do with illness and we have a volatile relationship now because I refuse to take anymore abuse from her.  That has been clear for years now with me being made out to be the insensitive one for saying NO.  One must not think for a moment that she actually cares about your health.  It is some morbid fascination.  Just is.  Might like to try to understand it more someday.  Well, anyway dad, whom hardly ever comes to the phone did.  He was the tender wonderful father that I always wanted asking questions about tests and such.  I knew going in that this was probably not going to end well for me but maybe people change as they age.  Maybe God is working on dad, too.  Maybe reindeers can type.  Anyway, things got heated between dad and I yet he maintained calm.  Mother has always said that she knows there is no way I would dare talk to him the way I talk to her.  She is mistaken.  I will be just as honest and direct with her as I am with him.  He took a lot of what I said but then he said it.  When I dared to mention how much fun it use to be for me how he would come home off the 3-11 shift and find me awake.  I told him how much I loved our quiet funny time together.  He said he never thought I really wanted to talk to him.  I told him I craved talking to him then and now.  I mentioned all the funny stories he use to tell me about the plant and then he said it.  It was so subtle but my ears are well trained.  With just a wee bit of an angry child showing in him he said "I don't remember telling you any funny stories."  I told him about the one where they took a rubber gasket and substituted it for baloney in a fellow worker's sandwich.  This would be funny to a nine year old.  I felt like it was a bonding experience between me and dad when he told me the story as we ate our own baloney sandwiches at the table late nights without her mouth and disapproval.  He grew quiet.  I guess he expected me to rage but all I did was tell him how much whatever time we had together meant.  Still, I got off the phone puzzled but aware that the "I don't remember... ." stuff was most significant.  If you had heard the tone of voice.  It was a sudden departure from the caring dad. Odd that he would get angry and show a blip of it given that I was talking about a special bonding I felt we had at that time.  It was like he dared me to remember something good about him when I can't remember good about the main perpetrator, his wife and my mother.  He was doing her bidding. He was being kind to me to get information for her.  I doubt it really had anything to do with wanting to know about me. She knows I don't like to talk about health a lot because I am sick of it.  She held us all hostage with her own tummy aches and I just clam up pretty much when sick.  Then again, this is all so complicated and I don't know everything.  Well, anyway, just before we actually did ring off I told him a few things that maybe he didn't want to hear.  He disputed nothing.  He acknowledged nothing.  Before we rang off I told him that it appears to me that mother has two fingers up his nostrils and leads him about.  You gotta understand my dad.  Narcissist or not he didn't like that.  He took it though and said "I assure you that is not the case."  I said "It is how it looks."  I didn't mean it to be manipulative.  I was really just in our last days being as honest as I know how to be before I let go and let God.  I've been thinking about it now.  He may be struggling a great deal with this.  His normal way in the past when dealing with anything child related is to just let her handle it.  If he does that now he has to face those fingers in his snout.  Things are eerily quiet.  Wondering if anyone can relate and tell me what to expect next.

I found an article on line that many here have probably seen.  It was in my hunt for why a man would be with a woman like her.  He needs to be king and wonderful and she sort of looks to him like that.  So he feels good about himself.  How pathetic that a person like my mother could be the ruler you judge your worth by.  Her?  She has no identify and he provides one.  They are enmeshed and have found a way, even with their fights with each other, to ... .to dance with each other.  We kids are the collateral damage.  I get it now and several things come to my mind.

One, the salvation of my soul is the most important thing.

Two, living by God's example is a good thing.

Three, raging from time to time as I have done since naming the abuse is now me being abusive.  Well, it didn't feel like that at the time but now that I see how handicapped they are I have to react a different way than I have before.  I have to let them go.

Four, the Bible does say to point out the wrong when even parents are wrong but it also says something about just doing it once or twice and then letting go and letting God.

It is cathartic to let go this way.  It is also the saddest thing to know that my parents may die before finding God.  I have now found a way to pray for them both every day on my knees without expecting anything for me... .they didn't wake up one day and say hey!  I think I want to be a borderline.  Then again the Bible does say people will die in a lake of fire.  I sure hope it isn't my dad.  I hope it isn't anyone really but I know better. 

So this is what I am doing.  I am honoring God's commandment by honoring my mom and dad because I have never EVER not even once heard anyone say "Gee, the Bible sure gave me bad advice".  My parents gave me life and for that they deserved to be honored.  I will honor them and respect them by leaving them alone to live as they have so chose all the while praying that my removal from the scene will help God work something in their hearts to save them from living in a lake of fire.

[Kwamina]

Hi AloneAtLast

Thanks for introducing yourself to the community

You say your mother is a borderline and your dad a narcissist. I can imagine how difficult growing up with them would have been for you. Has either of them ever been diagnosed with any kind of psychological, emotional and/or behavioral disorder? Have they perhaps ever gotten any treatment or theraphy for their issues?

That telephone conversation you had was definitely unpleasant. The stories you were recounting clearly meant a lot to you and for him to then say he doesn't remember telling you funny stories is quite hurtful then. Have you noticed anything in him like this before that he 'forgets' certain significant events?

When I read your post it comes across as if you are reaching a point of acceptance. Accepting the reality of our disordered parents is something many of us have struggled with. Accepting this reality means letting go of the 'fantasy parents' we never had, probably will never have yet still might long for very much. Do you too feel like you are coming to the point that you are able to accept your parents for who they are and let go of the fantasy parents?

[HappyChappy]

I also have a BPD and NPD in my life, so my heart goes out for you on that one. Double wammy. But I'm please to read that you seam to be moving towards acceptance. It may interest you that the Bible warns us against adults displaying negative child like emotions (i.e. BPD), I forget where exactly but my vicar normaly doesn't lie about those thing  . But you will find many kindrid spirits on this website. I'm actualy dyslexic so I normaly avoid the very long posts, but I made an exception. Welcome to the family.  

[Leaving]

Hi Alone,

I'm glad that you are here and seeking support during this difficult time in your life.  You've come a long way and life WILL continue to improve.  Of course, there will be times when we mourn our losses, feel a bit angry and so forth.  But, those moments will become fewer in the coming years.

As far as honoring your parents.  I believe that you are doing the right thing.  I struggled with this Commandment for many years and I consulted with a Christian Minister and a Rabbi about this and both told me that it is wrong for us to tolerate any level of abuse from a parent and that the Commandment means that because they did give us life, we are to honor them only for that ( since it's really about honoring ourselves and thanking G-d for our life)  by making sure they get a proper burial.  The crimes our parents committed are between them and G-d- not for us to judge them and become bitter because of them.  We CAN honor our life by recognizing that it is Divinely separate from them and that we are children of G-d. 

One thing I did when I separated was to change my name.  I go by my middle name now and never use my first name.  It really helped me to begin to see myself as separate and begin to create my own life.

You are resilient and strong and very spiritual. You are not alone  

Shalom

[AloneAtLast]

Thanks.  I have a funny feeling that my dad does not expect to live a lot longer and the ruse of pretending to care about my  health was just the door he felt he needed. He said "Maybe we can get this family back on track."  Back on track?  Not the same tracks for me.  I suspect that if I am right and he passes on soon he wants to know his wife, my mother, will have company.  Unless she repents and tries to change a little I can't be around her and I won't be the sacrificial goat for them.  I've already been the scape goat.

Anyway, time will tell. 

[Leaving]

Thanks.  I have a funny feeling that my dad does not expect to live a lot longer and the ruse of pretending to care about my  health was just the door he felt he needed. He said "Maybe we can get this family back on track."  Back on track?  Not the same tracks for me.  I suspect that if I am right and he passes on soon he wants to know his wife, my mother, will have company.  Unless she repents and tries to change a little I can't be around her and I won't be the sacrificial goat for them.  I've already been the scape goat.

Anyway, time will tell. 

Yes, your father's attitude is typical.  When my g-mother was nearing death, she found herself racked with guilt about how her daughter treated me and yet, she was placating to my mother ( basically giving ALL of her estate to her) because she was totally dependent on her and feared being abandoned.  My g-mother tossed out a few of those typical comments like your father-  ' I just wish so much we could be a family before I die'... blah blah because she wanted to make sure her daughter would be cared for.  I felt sorry for my g-mother- that her life ended in such emotional turmoil.  I guess they die racked with guilt and a great urgency to heal everyone before they go so that they can enter the pearly gates, guilt free.  Well, poo.  It doesn't work that way as you know.  You and I and many others have been working on creating our own happiness for a long time and will continue to do so.  It's not as simple as hoping or wishing for a happy life - everyone must work at it which isn't going to happen ( not in most cases anyway).

[Halo]

1. Tell them that you find the relationship extremely toxic beyond repair and if attitudes don't change right this second you will end all communications.

2. Wait for one of them to take a dump on you and cut both off.

3. Do not respond to any type of communication.

4. Spend 2-3 years in recovery. You'll be surprised how satisfied you will feel after recovering from the horrid memories that are wearing you down.

5. Never let them back into your life or it might be worst than before.

6. Feel freedom, clarity of mind, and happiness.

[AloneAtLast]

God unexpectedly took my sister today.  She probably got the most abuse out of all of us and has led such a sad life.  I got an email telling me.  Didn't get a phone call.  Still the scapegoat.  I'll be an even bigger one when they find out I am not coming back for the funeral.  I called after I got the email from dad about my sister's death and both of my parents answered the phone and were very sad.  Mother acted like a normal grieving mother.  I called back a little while later but this time only mother answered.  Her tone of voice told me all.  About a week ago my mother asked me why she has such a difficult relationship with sis.  I told her the truth.  My sister didn't feel loved by them.  Never did. She asked and I told and it was up to her to do something about it.  Now mother has to live with what I said or blame me for all her pain.  Such a sad state of affairs for everyone but mostly for my pretty sister with the giggle.  I can't believe she is gone.  Gone.  Just like that.

[Kwamina]

Hi again AloneAtLast

Such sad news... .I am deeply sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is never easy, especially such a close relative. You've only just recently joined this site and were already dealing with so much.

It must have been very hard on your sis never feeling loved by your parents and being subjected to so much abuse.

I want to let you know that we are here for you to offer support and advice

[AloneAtLast]

Thanks Kwamina.  I took something to help me sleep last night.  I got this email from dad this morning.


Alone, I don't have any more news at this time. I could be busy today

helping her son or I'll make myself available to him.  Just think of

it this way- maybe she has shown the rest of us a better way to live.

Keep up with health, slow down some and understand that the world is

not going to be perfect nor the people in it, world peace will never

come until we become more tolerant to highest to the smallest levels.

On lighter side you get with it, see what I'm saying. Did you get it

that I'M perfect."

the world is not going to be perfect nor the people in it.  That is what he wrote.  I know that. I've tried for 54 years to bring some sort of unity to this family that he thinks my sister's death may bring about.  It won't. What he seems to think of as unity and peace in the family is sacrificing his children to keep her happy. It has always been that way and always will. What dad doesn't know and I won't tell anyone is that when I talked to mother yesterday afternoon she was downright hateful.  She said "I have a house full of people. I can't talk to you." and she hung up. I guess what he really means is they are not perfect and I should do as we want. He has always been willing to sacrifice his kids to appease her. Did he have to notify me of her death via email?  I told my best friend that I was notified by email and she gasped.  I guess I need to know what a few others here think of that. 

None of this will change anything for me.  I am clear on what they are and will likely always be.  I have some boundaries in place but what do you do when someone dies and your parent reaches out and slaps you via email?

[jhkbuzz]

I also have a BPD and NPD in my life, so my heart goes out for you on that one. Double wammy. But I'm please to read that you seam to be moving towards acceptance. It may interest you that the Bible warns us against adults displaying negative child like emotions (i.e. BPD), I forget where exactly but my vicar normaly doesn't lie about those thing  . But you will find many kindrid spirits on this website. I'm actualy dyslexic so I normaly avoid the very long posts, but I made an exception. Welcome to the family.  

1 Corinithians 13:11:  When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

It's not a warning about BPD, however. The context is about love/unity and the different flavors of 'giftedness' in the members of the church at Corinth; and this verse specifically about how the church body is a pale reflection to a full r/s with God ("when completeness comes".

[Kwamina]

Did he have to notify me of her death via email?  I told my best friend that I was notified by email and she gasped.  I guess I need to know what a few others here think of that. 

None of this will change anything for me.  I am clear on what they are and will likely always be.  I have some boundaries in place but what do you do when someone dies and your parent reaches out and slaps you via email?

I must admit that I too was shocked that he notified you via e-mail about your sister's death. No matter if you and your dad were in contact at the time or more NC, it just doesn't feel right getting this type of news in this way.

In one of your previous post you said that your dad hardly ever comes to the phone. Would your say e-mailing is his standard way of communicating with you?

The e-mail you got this morning also makes me feel quite uneasy. It's difficult to understand this type of behavior, perhaps it's best not to try to understand this but just see it as a part of your parents' dysfunction. That doesn't make it any more pleasant, but it (unfortunately) is what it is though.

How are you coping with your emotions in this difficult time? How was your relationship with your sister?

[AloneAtLast]

We have spent long stretches of times (years) no-contact as did my sister with them.  My sister and I are/were the only ones that know what the situation is in terms of their mental capacities.  We got the brunt of all the abuse.  My dad and I email and talk on the phone from time to time but that has only taken place recently.  He acts like he wants to fix the family but I suspect he really only wants mother to have somebody to look after her when passes on.  I can't go to the funeral.  I just can't.  I can't watch everyone swarm around my mother when I know mother is the one that sexually assaulted my sister and use to hold her head under the water when she was little telling her horrible things at the same time.  Besides, I give my parents one week tops and they will be fine.

I've been driving around today doing my work and thinking.  Him writing about how no one is perfect is really just his way of saying forgive your mother and lets all be friends.  And since no one is perfect no one has to change... .they don't even have to try.  He was telling me in his way how I need to forgive without realizing that I did recently; otherwise, I wouldn't be able to pray for their salvation.  I just can't go back to the status quo.  I can't tell them that dog poo taste likes candy.

An email.  I can't believe he thought that would be okay with me.  I guess he didn't care if it was or not.  Shows he doesn't really want a relationship with me he just wants to know his wife will have someone when he dies.  No wonder sis and I felt like disposable children.  We are. We were.  You know what though?  They threw away two of the sweetest kids they had.  They threw away the two that would have tried to find a some sort of peace with them if they would only repent and try. 

An email.  I keep saying it over and over.  I just can't believe it.

[AloneAtLast]

I had to go to one of the cabins today.  I clean them when vacationers leave.  I found a bear.  A stuffed, ragged bear that had fallen behind the bed.  When my sister went into the hospital for her hysterectomy I wrote dad and told him "Go buy a bear and go to her room and recite the Lord's prayer or something like that."  He didn't.  I found the bear today.  It is here with me and I'm keeping it.  You know what?  I'm having a really hard time distinguishing between the grief I feel for my sister and the grief I feel for myself.  That might not be right.  I don't know.

[AloneAtLast]

I have one more thing I want to say beyond the bear.

I had more than one cabin today to get ready.  Just before I found the bear at one I had been to the cabin I own to clean it.  I went to my cabin and found an old movie dvd that apparently I left there last November when I was sleeping there a bit.  I never could figure out where it was and assumed it was lost forever.  Today, I went to that cabin and sitting next to the tv was the dvd afterall this time.  There it was.  The title?  Julie Julia.  My sister is Julie. My dad calls her Julia.  Then the bear at another place.

God is speaking to me.  I think he has my sister.

[Leaving]

We have spent long stretches of times (years) no-contact as did my sister with them.  My sister and I are/were the only ones that know what the situation is in terms of their mental capacities.  We got the brunt of all the abuse.  My dad and I email and talk on the phone from time to time but that has only taken place recently.  He acts like he wants to fix the family but I suspect he really only wants mother to have somebody to look after her when passes on.  I can't go to the funeral.  I just can't.  I can't watch everyone swarm around my mother when I know mother is the one that sexually assaulted my sister and use to hold her head under the water when she was little telling her horrible things at the same time.  Besides, I give my parents one week tops and they will be fine.

I've been driving around today doing my work and thinking.  Him writing about how no one is perfect is really just his way of saying forgive your mother and lets all be friends.  And since no one is perfect no one has to change... .they don't even have to try.  He was telling me in his way how I need to forgive without realizing that I did recently; otherwise, I wouldn't be able to pray for their salvation.  I just can't go back to the status quo.  I can't tell them that dog poo taste likes candy.

An email.  I can't believe he thought that would be okay with me.  I guess he didn't care if it was or not.  Shows he doesn't really want a relationship with me he just wants to know his wife will have someone when he dies.  No wonder sis and I felt like disposable children.  We are. We were.  You know what though?  They threw away two of the sweetest kids they had.  They threw away the two that would have tried to find a some sort of peace with them if they would only repent and try. 

An email.  I keep saying it over and over.  I just can't believe it.

Alone,

Dealing with the death of a family member in such a dysfunctional and abusive home is truly horrible and I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this now.  As horrible as this is, your sister's death can serve to strengthen you and provide an opportunity to glean more wisdom about your life, your family.  I know you are already doing that.  You are deeply spiritual and intuitive and I believe those are the gifts from G-d that have protected your heart and mind all along.  Honoring your sister's death by honoring yourself in healthy ways is one way of not allowing her life and death to be suffered in vain. 

I'm not surprised at all that your father resorted to using email to contact you or that he used religious principles to guilt you into forgiving and overlooking his bad character.  Email or texting are often used by cowards and covert abusers who need to avoid confrontation.   Cowards is all they are- selfish evil cowards that are only dedicated to protecting their self-image of perfection and moral purity at the expense of sacrificing others.  They are very aware of and worry about doing what is socially expected of them - hence, the email so he can at least say he contacted you.  Like all cowards, that are unwilling to suffer the discomfort of self examination.

You and your sister are not cowards like them.  As painful as your suffering has been,  I hope you will reflect on how blessed you and your sister are to have been born with a sense of right and wrong which is precisely what protected you from becoming like your parents. This is a great blessing Alone  

You are on the right path of spiritual growth.   Please don't feel bad for not wanting to attend your sister's funeral.  You can celebrate her life and honor her in death in your own way- perhaps before or after the funeral.  A public funeral under these circumstances , in your family, is really just another prop that the selfish cowards will use to support their moral image.  I don't blame you at all for not wanting to be a part of that.  They are hypocrites. 

I have it written in my own will that in the event of my death, I do not want my husband or mother to attend my funeral or burial. Just as I will no longer allow them to use me in life, I will not allow them to use my death as means to uphold their moral and compassionate image and glean sympathy from others.  It makes me sick to even imagine such a thing.

I'm glad you have that bear.  I too believe that your sister was sending you comfort in the message that she is now at peace and surrounded by love   She wants that for you while you're still here with us.  I hope that you will continue to talk to her.  She may not be here in body but she's always with you in spirit. 

I hope you feel better soon.