My Story

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am a (female) high school English teacher, and last August, a student teacher came in for one of the teachers in my department.  Just as her student teaching was coming to a close, she was hired to work as a long-term sub for another English teacher. 

By late March, we were texting a lot (sometimes for three or four hours straight), and she told me that I was her best friend.  I am bisexual and had not come out to her yet and was convinced that she was straight and knew she had a boyfriend, so I kept my developing feelings for her to myself. 

In early March, she asked me to rent an apartment with her because she would have to move out of her current place by April or May.  I said no because we hadn't been friends for that long.  By late March, she had also begun telling me things about her past.  She suffered from bulimia in the past; she has lupus; she was molested by one of her stepfathers; in high school and college, she smoked pot every day did cocaine; she once had a boyfriend who smashed her head into a wall; and she tried to commit suicide her first year at college and almost died.  I didn't question any of this, but I don't think all of it is true.

At the beginning of April, she asked me one night if I wanted to spend the night at her place.  But the next morning, I woke up to a text message from her, saying that she was feeling sick but that she would still come over to my house for a few hours.  To my surprise, she eventually admitted that she is bisexual.  The following Friday, she came over to my house and immediately wanted to go up to my room.  We sat on my bed, talking, and she asked me to cuddle with her.  Cuddling turned into holding hands.  When she left an hour or so later, she gave me a lingering hug and started kissing my neck.  I let go and told her to drive safely and to text me when she got home.

The next week, her sub position ended, and she left to visit her mom in another state.  On her bus ride from the airport, we started flirting very, very heavily.  I have never been in a serious relationship or even dated, and it was exhilarating to have someone flirt with me.  She started telling me that she wanted to have sex with me, and whenever I brought up her boyfriend, she would just say, "He's none of your concern."  A few days later, she again asked me to rent an apartment with her, and I said no.

The following weekend, she kept flirting with me but also admitted that she had been cutting.  On Sunday, she told me that she had seriously considered leaving her boyfriend for me and that she cared about me and wanted to have sex with me, that she was in love with him. 

That Friday, we went back to my house after work and started watching a movie.  We were also both drinking.  She tried to hold my hand, but I pushed her away.  Not long after, she abruptly started kissing me.  I kept telling her that we shouldn't because of her boyfriend, but she ignored me.  Kissing eventually led to us having sex.  Afterwards, she was so cold and distant.

The next day, she told me that I was "perfect."  The following Monday, she texted me and asked if she could stay over at my house on Thursday.  That night, she was so sweet and caring, so I attributed her behavior the first time to alcohol.  On Friday, she made plans with me to stay over at my house the following weekend.  That weekend, she called me her "soon to be girflriend" and asked me to get an apartment with her because her living situation with her boyfriend was always meant to be temporary. 

On Monday, she was flirty with me all day at work and was talking about when we could look at apartments.  On Wednesday, she "accidentally" sent me a text that was meant for someone else, raving about sex with her boyfriend.  I immediately responded angrily, and she turned it all around on me and told me that I should be more understanding.  I had a personal day on Friday, and right before she left work, she texted me to say that she would be going home instead.  I was hurt and told her how disappointed I was.  She got angry and said that I should be more understanding.  On Sunday, she told me that her boyfriend was who she wanted.

By that Wednesday, she was telling me that she still wanted to have sex with me.   We started flirting again, and on Friday night, she told me that she was very angry about a homophobic comment that her boyfriend made.  The following day, she said, "I thought about you a lot today" and told me that I should hurry up and buy a house like I'd been talking about because she had pictured us getting married.  She made plans to stay over at my house the next Tuesday and Wednesday nights.  When I woke up at 3:45 in the morning, I had 18 messages from her.  The last few were her telling me that her boyfriend had hit her and split her lip, and she sent me a picture of her bloody lip and one of blood on her palm. 

On Tuesday, after work, we even went to see a house together.  That night, she was very affectionate with me.  But on Wednesday night, she either watched TV or played on her phone most of the night.  She basically ignored me at work the next day.  When I tried to text her that night about some houses I was looking at and got annoyed when she changed the subject, she told me I was annoying and told me to go to bed.  The next day, I asked her about going to see a house with me the following week, and she just shrugged her shoulders.  That night, she got mad at me when I texted her about how she shouldn't be smoking pot. 

On Saturday morning, I sent her a few messages, and when she replied a few hours later, it was with a picture of her lunch.  I sent her a few more frustrated texts, a few hours later, she told me that I was annoying and acting psychotic.  I called her out on her behavior from the previous night, and fifteen minutes later, I got a text that said, "I don't care about your feelings.  I just want to have sex with you."  I was hurt and angry, and all I kept getting were texts calling me stupid and making fun of me for thinking that someone could love me.  A few minutes later, I received a text that said, "Wow.  I can't believe she cheated with you.  Dude, you're an idiot.  This is her boyfriend."  I then got a message that said, ":)id she tell you she's pregnant yet?  I made the lunch that she sent you a picture of because she was craving it."  Then, I received a message that said, "She won't be talking to you anymore."

On Memorial Day, I decided to text her, and she replied right away.  I told her to tell me something that only she would know, so I would know that I was talking to her, and she acted confused.  When I told her what had happened, she told me that I had gotten her in trouble almost made her lose everything. On Tuesday, she acted like nothing had happened.  That Thursday, she texted me and told me that she missed me.  I shut her down and told her that I couldn't go through this again.  On Friday, she got mad when I didn't talk to her during a fire drill, and she proceeded to send me several angry texts about how she refuses to be friends with a fake person.  I eventually calmed her down, and an hour later, she acted like nothing had happened.  On Saturday morning, she texted me and tried to get me to flirt with her.  I refused, but she ignored me and asked if she could stay over that Monday.  I said no, that she had chosen her boyfriend, and she replied, "Blah blah blah."  Later that night, when she told me not to text her anything suspicious and not to text her the rest of the weekend at all because her boyfriend was "in a mood." 

On Tuesday morning, she sent me a bunch of angry texts about how I am clingy and about how all I want to do is talk about everything.  But on Wednesday, we stayed after worked and talked and joked for almost an hour.   When I got to work the next morning, her car wasn't there.  I went down to her room about fifteen minutes later, and she wasn't there.  I called her and texted her many times, and eventually, I received a message that said, "I'm so sorry.  I love you."  About fifteen minutes later, her boyfriend got on her phone and told me that she was being rushed to the ER because she had tried to kill herself by swallowing pills. 

She ended up being ok, and she was sent to the behavioral care unit for five days.  The day after it happened, she called me, and all she seemed to care about was what her boyfriend and I had been talking about.  She also told me that she had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and told me to research it.  She promised that she would call me on Saturday.  Saturday came and went, and I didn't hear anything from her.  Halfway through my Sunday visit at the hospital, she said, "I want to say I'm sorry for making you think you were talking to my boyfriend that weekend."  She said she had pretended to be him because she thought it would help me let go and because she was high and it seemed like a good idea.   

She came home from the hospital the next day, and she texted me a bit.  Over the next few days, I kept trying to communicate with her, but she barely replied.  I had sent her a letter and a picture, and on Sunday, she told me how sweet the letter was and how much she liked the picture.  On Monday morning, she asked me if I wanted to go with her to a local gay pride festival on Saturday, but I already had plans.  On Tuesday, I was becoming frustrated, so I sent her a text about how I am tired of always trying to plan things around her schedule.  Six hours later, she sent me a string of angry messages and finished by saying that I am poison and that she is done with me and doesn't want me in her life anymore.  I tried to reason with her, but she just kept telling me to go away.

She has things that belong to me that I want back, and I have been in contact with her boyfriend.  She told him that she will send them to me.  But now he has stopped replying to me, and I am afraid to say anything because it's hard to tell what she has told him, and I don't want them to come after me for harassment.

[SummerStorm]

I am a (female) high school English teacher, and last August, a student teacher came in for one of the teachers in my department.  Just as her student teaching was coming to a close, she was hired to work as a long-term sub for another English teacher. 

By late March, we were texting a lot (sometimes for three or four hours straight), and she told me that I was her best friend.  I am bisexual and had not come out to her yet and was convinced that she was straight and knew she had a boyfriend, so I kept my developing feelings for her to myself. 

In early March, she asked me to rent an apartment with her because she would have to move out of her current place by April or May.  I said no because we hadn't been friends for that long.  By late March, she had also begun telling me things about her past.  She suffered from bulimia in the past; she has lupus; she was molested by one of her stepfathers; in high school and college, she smoked pot every day did cocaine; she once had a boyfriend who smashed her head into a wall; and she tried to commit suicide her first year at college and almost died.  I didn't question any of this, but I don't think all of it is true.

At the beginning of April, she asked me one night if I wanted to spend the night at her place.  But the next morning, I woke up to a text message from her, saying that she was feeling sick but that she would still come over to my house for a few hours.  To my surprise, she eventually admitted that she is bisexual.  The following Friday, she came over to my house and immediately wanted to go up to my room.  We sat on my bed, talking, and she asked me to cuddle with her.  Cuddling turned into holding hands.  When she left an hour or so later, she gave me a lingering hug and started kissing my neck.  I let go and told her to drive safely and to text me when she got home.

The next week, her sub position ended, and she left to visit her mom in another state.  On her bus ride from the airport, we started flirting very, very heavily.  I have never been in a serious relationship or even dated, and it was exhilarating to have someone flirt with me.  She started telling me that she wanted to have sex with me, and whenever I brought up her boyfriend, she would just say, "He's none of your concern."  A few days later, she again asked me to rent an apartment with her, and I said no.

The following weekend, she kept flirting with me but also admitted that she had been cutting.  On Sunday, she told me that she had seriously considered leaving her boyfriend for me and that she cared about me and wanted to have sex with me, that she was in love with him. 

That Friday, we went back to my house after work and started watching a movie.  We were also both drinking.  She tried to hold my hand, but I pushed her away.  Not long after, she abruptly started kissing me.  I kept telling her that we shouldn't because of her boyfriend, but she ignored me.  Kissing eventually led to us having sex.  Afterwards, she was so cold and distant.

The next day, she told me that I was "perfect."  The following Monday, she texted me and asked if she could stay over at my house on Thursday.  That night, she was so sweet and caring, so I attributed her behavior the first time to alcohol.  On Friday, she made plans with me to stay over at my house the following weekend.  That weekend, she called me her "soon to be girflriend" and asked me to get an apartment with her because her living situation with her boyfriend was always meant to be temporary. 

On Monday, she was flirty with me all day at work and was talking about when we could look at apartments.  On Wednesday, she "accidentally" sent me a text that was meant for someone else, raving about sex with her boyfriend.  I immediately responded angrily, and she turned it all around on me and told me that I should be more understanding.  I had a personal day on Friday, and right before she left work, she texted me to say that she would be going home instead.  I was hurt and told her how disappointed I was.  She got angry and said that I should be more understanding.  On Sunday, she told me that her boyfriend was who she wanted.

By that Wednesday, she was telling me that she still wanted to have sex with me.   We started flirting again, and on Friday night, she told me that she was very angry about a homophobic comment that her boyfriend made.  The following day, she said, "I thought about you a lot today" and told me that I should hurry up and buy a house like I'd been talking about because she had pictured us getting married.  She made plans to stay over at my house the next Tuesday and Wednesday nights.  When I woke up at 3:45 in the morning, I had 18 messages from her.  The last few were her telling me that her boyfriend had hit her and split her lip, and she sent me a picture of her bloody lip and one of blood on her palm. 

On Tuesday, after work, we even went to see a house together.  That night, she was very affectionate with me.  But on Wednesday night, she either watched TV or played on her phone most of the night.  She basically ignored me at work the next day.  When I tried to text her that night about some houses I was looking at and got annoyed when she changed the subject, she told me I was annoying and told me to go to bed.  The next day, I asked her about going to see a house with me the following week, and she just shrugged her shoulders.  That night, she got mad at me when I texted her about how she shouldn't be smoking pot. 

On Saturday morning, I sent her a few messages, and when she replied a few hours later, it was with a picture of her lunch.  I sent her a few more frustrated texts, a few hours later, she told me that I was annoying and acting psychotic.  I called her out on her behavior from the previous night, and fifteen minutes later, I got a text that said, "I don't care about your feelings.  I just want to have sex with you."  I was hurt and angry, and all I kept getting were texts calling me stupid and making fun of me for thinking that someone could love me.  A few minutes later, I received a text that said, "Wow.  I can't believe she cheated with you.  Dude, you're an idiot.  This is her boyfriend."  I then got a message that said, ":)id she tell you she's pregnant yet?  I made the lunch that she sent you a picture of because she was craving it."  Then, I received a message that said, "She won't be talking to you anymore."

On Memorial Day, I decided to text her, and she replied right away.  I told her to tell me something that only she would know, so I would know that I was talking to her, and she acted confused.  When I told her what had happened, she told me that I had gotten her in trouble almost made her lose everything. On Tuesday, she acted like nothing had happened.  That Thursday, she texted me and told me that she missed me.  I shut her down and told her that I couldn't go through this again.  On Friday, she got mad when I didn't talk to her during a fire drill, and she proceeded to send me several angry texts about how she refuses to be friends with a fake person.  I eventually calmed her down, and an hour later, she acted like nothing had happened.  On Saturday morning, she texted me and tried to get me to flirt with her.  I refused, but she ignored me and asked if she could stay over that Monday.  I said no, that she had chosen her boyfriend, and she replied, "Blah blah blah."  Later that night, when she told me not to text her anything suspicious and not to text her the rest of the weekend at all because her boyfriend was "in a mood." 

On Tuesday morning, she sent me a bunch of angry texts about how I am clingy and about how all I want to do is talk about everything.  But on Wednesday, we stayed after worked and talked and joked for almost an hour.   When I got to work the next morning, her car wasn't there.  I went down to her room about fifteen minutes later, and she wasn't there.  I called her and texted her many times, and eventually, I received a message that said, "I'm so sorry.  I love you."  About fifteen minutes later, her boyfriend got on her phone and told me that she was being rushed to the ER because she had tried to kill herself by swallowing pills. 

She ended up being ok, and she was sent to the behavioral care unit for five days.  The day after it happened, she called me, and all she seemed to care about was what her boyfriend and I had been talking about.  She also told me that she had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and told me to research it.  She promised that she would call me on Saturday.  Saturday came and went, and I didn't hear anything from her.  Halfway through my Sunday visit at the hospital, she said, "I want to say I'm sorry for making you think you were talking to my boyfriend that weekend."  She said she had pretended to be him because she thought it would help me let go and because she was high and it seemed like a good idea.   

She came home from the hospital the next day, and she texted me a bit.  Over the next few days, I kept trying to communicate with her, but she barely replied.  I had sent her a letter and a picture, and on Sunday, she told me how sweet the letter was and how much she liked the picture.  On Monday morning, she asked me if I wanted to go with her to a local gay pride festival on Saturday, but I already had plans.  On Tuesday, I was becoming frustrated, so I sent her a text about how I am tired of always trying to plan things around her schedule.  Six hours later, she sent me a string of angry messages and finished by saying that I am poison and that she is done with me and doesn't want me in her life anymore.  I tried to reason with her, but she just kept telling me to go away.

She has things that belong to me that I want back, and I have been in contact with her boyfriend.  She told him that she will send them to me.  But now he has stopped replying to me, and I am afraid to say anything because it's hard to tell what she has told him, and I don't want them to come after me for harassment.

[mrwigand]

Ugh, that sounds like a horribly confusing and painful situation to be in. Based on everything you wrote, it's not at all surprising that she revealed she was diagnosed with BPD.

It sounds like you shared some very intense feelings for this person, and it must be incredibly painful for it to have ended in such a tortured way.

You may be in pain right now, but based on what you've said it is obviously for the best that you stay away from this individual as it will only cause you more pain. You sound like you have a lot going for you, and I promise you can do better than this. Along those lines, I might ask if you really need the things you say you want returned to you? If you can go without them that's probably for the best, but you need to do what's right for you.

In the mean time, how are you holding up after all of this? I find it helps for me to identify my feelings in times like this. So, what are you feeling right now?

[SummerStorm]

Ugh, that sounds like a horribly confusing and painful situation to be in. Based on everything you wrote, it's not at all surprising that she revealed she was diagnosed with BPD.

It sounds like you shared some very intense feelings for this person, and it must be incredibly painful for it to have ended in such a tortured way.

You may be in pain right now, but based on what you've said it is obviously for the best that you stay away from this individual as it will only cause you more pain. You sound like you have a lot going for you, and I promise you can do better than this. Along those lines, I might ask if you really need the things you say you want returned to you? If you can go without them that's probably for the best, but you need to do what's right for you.

In the mean time, how are you holding up after all of this? I find it helps for me to identify my feelings in times like this. So, what are you feeling right now?

I'm getting past the sadness and dealing with a lot of anger right now.  I also wish I could tell her boyfriend to get out of there as fast as he can.  She told him to stop talking to me completely, but he didn't listen to her.  I keep telling him to research BPD for his own sanity, but I don't think he understands the severity of it.  Honestly, I also wouldn't be surprised if she didn't tell him what she was diagnosed with. 

The poor guy keeps saying, "I don't know why she would do that to you."  I told him that there really isn't a reason, at least not a logical one.  I can't tell him that she cheated on him with me because it's not my place and because I have no idea what she is capable of doing if she finds out I told him.  I would have never had an affair with her if I knew what he was really like.  Early on, she would make snide comments about him and his behavior.  As things progressed, she would say that he was selfish and cared more about working out than he did about her.  Eventually, it turned into him hitting her one night.  I honestly don't think any of those things were true.  The night she tried to commit suicide began with her raging at him, and his comment to me was, "She wanted to fight, and I of course did not."  In fact, he managed to calm her down.  Then, she snuck away to the garage, took more pills, and then lied to him about it.  She once texted me to complain that he had left her alone at a party, and she told me that I would never do that.  But now that I think about it, he probably left her alone because she was on her phone, texting me all night and basically acting like a selfish brat.  If I had been in his position, I probably would have done the same thing.  He visited her in the hospital every chance he got, took off work several days to either visit her or take care of her when she came home, and kept me updated the entire time.  As soon as the ambulance pulled away from their house, he got on her phone and told me exactly what was going on. 

In regards to my things, one of them has sentimental value to me.  Also, most of them can't be replaced.  And honestly, I want them now, so that she can't hold on to them and suddenly send them back to me or drive to my house and give them to me when her current relationship ends.  If he breaks up with her, she will have nowhere to go, and I can just see her crawling back to me, pleading with me to forgive her and take her back.  She has stupidly held on to these things for months.  One of them is a soccer jersey that she borrowed in March and wore once.  She took it home, washed it, and hung it up in her closet.  We saw each other every single day, and I asked her to return it probably a dozen times.  How difficult would it have been for her to grab it on her way out the door to work?