BPD mom holding dad hostage - feeling guilty

[lauren2013]

I have been NC with my mom for 1 year and 7 months now. I still remember the night I decided to go NC like it was yesterday. My daughter had just been born - she was 8 weeks old. For some reason I thought that after my daughter was born that things would change. You know how you do that? You always think that X is going to change them or that they will realize after Y. Nothing ever changes - I should have realized that years ago. But anyway, I really felt like maybe she'd start respecting my boundaries now that I was a MARRIED MOM, but she did not. She basically barged in on my life right before I was due with the baby, barged in on my labor, barged in on my life right after the baby was born - she just trampled over all of my boundaries. I felt like I could not breathe and my anxiety was at an all-time high being around her.

Anyway, when my daughter was 8 weeks old, we decided to make the trip from NY to CA to visit some friends and family and we arranged a BBQ at my brother in law's house for a saturday night with his whole family, my nieces, my parents, and my aunt. [I always try to have a lot of other people around when I have to be around her].

My anxiety was through the roof that day.  I had a glass of wine before she arrived and was hoping to just get through the night without having to talk to her much.

The first thing my mom commented on when she arrived at my BIL's house was the fact that his parents had arrived before them (my parents). She is SO obsessed with keeping tabs on how much time we spend with each person that she was actually jealous that his parents had arrived before them. She was asking all kinds of questions about how long they'd been there, etc. Funny enough, we'd asked my MIL to hide her suitcase before my parents arrived (they had stayed over at my BILs) so that my mom would not freak out. Isn't that amazing that we'd do that? Who does that! My blood boiled when she made the comment, but I tried to hold my tongue. Then  we go outside and she looks at my face and sees a scar or something above my eyebrow and says "what is that? what is that on your eyebrow" and was just picking picking picking... .it was like the anger was just bubbling up in inside me and I said "JUST STOP." and she pulled away and acted shocked that I was responding so aggressively. Then I said "well what do you expect? you can't just walk in here and talk to people like that! this is joe's family!" She was shocked, but that shock soon turned to anger and that's when all he** broke loose. She went on a rampage screaming at me, calling me unappreciative, conceited, all kinds of things - telling me about my dad's "abuse", about people in the family that have wronged her, how we've ruined her life, all kinds of stuff.  It was crazy and to be honest, I don't even remember everything b/c I think I blacked out from being so fight or flight. She starting storming through the house and screaming and pointing fingers and joe's family - calling people names, forcing her way through doors -it was insane. My dad just stood and watched. People were crying, Joe's brother started praying - it was CRAZY. And remember - this is all in front of my niece, 3, niece, 5 and daughter, 8 weeks. She could not even control herself in front of them.

My husband had to hold her back from trying to barge back in the door when we told them to leave (remember this as it comes into play later) and finally my dad said "let's go let's go" and they left within an hour of having gotten there. I was hysterically crying - we all were -but at the same time, I felt this OVERWHELMING sense of peace come over me. Because I knew. I knew this was going to be the last time.

Later that evening she sent an email to my husband's whole family basically blaming Joe (my husband). She said he "grabbed her wrists" and basically made it sound like he physically abused her. She sent this to his FAMILY. WHO WERE THERE. What in the world? What was she thinking! I can't even begin.

And by the way, this is just one of the MANY episodes I've experienced over my 30 years of living with her in my life. I have plenty more I could share, but I wanted to give you the story of my NC. For those of you considering, NC, I highly recommend it.

But the problem is, my dad. He is still married to her and is completely co-dependent. So much so that he doesn't "understand" what I'm doing and is constantly trying to get me to change my mind about NC. He says "people change" and "why do I have to be so vindictive?" It's like he's completely blocked out all the abuse that has happened for 30 + years!

I am having a really hard time understanding his thought process, but I know a lot of you must have similar situations and can help me to understand or at least be OK with the situation. I am so happy to have no contact with my mom... .but I did not anticipate losing my dad in the process. Is this just something I have to accept that I cannot change b/c he is an ADULT and can make his own decisions? or what do you thinK? I still have an overwhelming urge to protect and fix... .to act like the parent... .but NO. It's about time he faced the reality. In fact, I'm kind of angry with him, too, because he's let this go on for so long. Why?

[Leaving]

Hi Lauren,

Wow, you described so many of the same dysfunctional behaviors of my family members and the volatility at so many of our holiday gatherings.  It's truly crazy, crazy, crazy!  Thank goodness you are able to be objective and aware and strong enough to remove yourself from it. 

As I read your post I thought, ' it seems that the BPD in every family has an enabler' which makes sense because in any family dysfunction, there is at least one enabler or peacemaker.  Your father is in a predicament like all enablers. Despite your mother's lunacy, she is his wife and his priority.  He has to live with her and I'm sure he's just trying to find the most peaceful way to do that.   

In my family, my mother is BPD and my brother is her enabler ( more or less) but that's probably because he has children, is divorced and our mother is divorced.  We don't have a father.  So, I guess my brother feels obligated to his children to include their grandmother since she's the only person in our family besides me.  He also feels that he should honor is mother.

Unfortunately, because I'm NC with my mother, I don't have a relationship with him.  He can't handle the truth on any level and just being with me reminds him that something is wrong in our, otherwise, perfect family. 

My mother's mother probably had BPD as well.  She too was like your mother and contributed to many upsets during family visits.  She targeted her husband more than anyone else  and my mother targeted either her mother or me.   My grandfather was an enabler in that he too would drift into denial.  There were times when he reached a threshold and would say something to her in a respectful but firm manner like, ' That's enough, let's go'   But, I tend to think he just survived by looking  forward to going to work and staying away from her.  As my grandmother aged, especially after my grandfather died, her disorder seemed to improve.  I'm not sure if it did or not but she seemed very resigned to being peaceful and quiet. She also became my mother's enabler and made excuses for her rotten behavior.  One time she said, ' Darling, I know it's difficult but at least your mother doesn't drink or do drugs' as if somehow that made everything better. 

Maybe you should talk to your father and ask him if there is any way you can have a relationship with him without your mother. I asked my brother but he's not comfortable doing that.  He thinks I'm the one being difficult and he gets angry at me.  On one hand I resent that he dismisses my healthy boundary but I also know that he's not a strong person and that he can't deal with having to explain to his kids why aunt E doesn't ever come with grammie.   You father may also feel that if he does, then he's lying to your mother. All we can do is  try to be respectful and compassionate without compromising our healthy boundaries. 

I know it hurts you that your father doesn't acknowledge the crazy making or what you've endured.  I'm sure it hurts that he has emotionally abandoned you in this regard. I feel the same way about my brother.  There's a part of me that feels betrayed by him.  I think, ' how in the world can you align yourself and your children with our insane mother in lieu of a stable relationship with me.  Why would you even want me to engage in such an unhealthy relationship with my mother?  why can't you see how she's impacted my life and hurt me and others?" but, he's more comfortable being the good son to his mother and pigeon-holing me as the troublemaker.   Our mother is also NPD, so, I understand how trapped he is in her web.

On the flip side, I did have a stepfather for a few years who did see very clearly how my mother treated me and how insane she was.  He never encouraged me to go NC but when I did he was very supportive and understanding.  He told me that while it was sad that I had to do that, he thought it was the best thing I could ever do for myself. 

I hope you and your father can find some way to create a separate space for yourselves.  Stay strong.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Lauren2013,

A lot of us have felt the same way about our non-BPD parent. It is hard learning to accept that they my be more invested in keeping up appearances or trying to appease their spouse than they are in meeting the needs of their children. I know I wanted my dad to be an ally and to be able to hear me and support me. It took time to come to terms with the fact that he can't.

NC is not always the best solution, but I understand why you went that route and it sounds like you are finding it helpful. In terms of your relationship with your mother, it sounds like you may be further along in accepting that she is how she is (disordered) and it isn't likely to change. The same is probably true of your father. This can be harder to accept because as children we need to believe at least one of our parents loves us and will take care of us. When one parent is disordered, the tendency is to idealize the other one. Does any of that ring true for you?

What is it about your father do you want to be different? Is it in your power to change anything about him?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[SadBPDdaughter]

But the problem is, my dad. He is still married to her and is completely co-dependent. So much so that he doesn't "understand" what I'm doing and is constantly trying to get me to change my mind about NC. He says "people change" and "why do I have to be so vindictive?" It's like he's completely blocked out all the abuse that has happened for 30 + years!

I am having a really hard time understanding his thought process, but I know a lot of you must have similar situations and can help me to understand or at least be OK with the situation. I am so happy to have no contact with my mom... .but I did not anticipate losing my dad in the process. Is this just something I have to accept that I cannot change b/c he is an ADULT and can make his own decisions? or what do you thinK? I still have an overwhelming urge to protect and fix... .to act like the parent... .but NO. It's about time he faced the reality. In fact, I'm kind of angry with him, too, because he's let this go on for so long. Why?

I have had exactly the same battle all my life and it has taken me years to reach the point that I am at now. I have finally written a letter breaking contact. People outside of the family (my friends) think I have done the right thing ... .they have seen the way this has affected me and support me 100%. However, my family, especially my Dad, just cannot understand why I am giving up.

Dad's statements have been along the lines of : 'but she's ill' or 'she has been a good wife and mother'. He judges that on the fact basis of : she didn't cheat on him and kept a good home; she didn't starve me or send me to school dirty or unfed. That kind of thing.

When he has been having a really hard time I say to him that they would be better off apart, he says "the only reason I would leave my wife is if she committed adultery. I made a contract and I am honouring it. We have stayed together for our children".

Well I may be the one that sees thing in the wrong way but I believe that happiness and love are high on the list of priorities. That growing up in a home where there is fighting and torment is NOT the best thing for a child. And that at the age of 44, I don't think that's really going to trouble me too much if my parents divorce! I would much prefer them to be living in peace, and for my Dad to not be a prisoner in his own home. But you hit the nail on the head : it is HIS choice.

I have tried endlessly to support them both emotionally at different times. Neither of them get what they need from their relationship. I have tried to be the 'good daughter'. But when the chips are down, and I need their understanding and support, it doesn't happen. Mum tells me that she has 'given up her life for me', and thinks that she has never done any wrong. Dad thinks he is admirable for providing security for us all and sacrificing his happiness. Neither of them can see that their children actually need them to care. Not just about us but about themselves.

When Mum has disowned me ( many times) Dad refuses to have contact or visit. He says that he has to remain loyal to his wife. When I say to him that he needs to set boundaries and not pander to her tantrums, otherwise she will keep behaving in this way, he says "you don't have to live with her".

So it's a situation that I now know is NEVER going to change. I still send birthday cards / gifts, etc. I have tried to phone him for the odd chat but he gets cut short because she is causing a scene in the background and he has to quickly end the conversation, so I've stopped doing that. I get too angry. I don't want to feel angry with him. I know he can't change what he is and how he views what is the right thing to do. So I have FINALLY accepted that this is it, this is how it has to be. We have all made our choices that make life a tiny bit easier for us personally. None of us are happy but it's not as bad as it was, because there isn't that constant hope and disappointment.

I now focus on what I do have that is positive in my life and no longer try to change the things that are beyond my control. It has definitely helped me. My Dad knows that my door will always be open to him. All he has to do is walk towards it.

I hope that you can find a place that you eventually feel comfortable with. And I hope you have at least a few good times to look back on. I remember those and smile.