Devastation of BPD on people's lives: so many need help... but... what if we?

[funfunctional]

Hello,

I am writing to comment on the amount people coming here, including myself in the past, needing so much comfort/help.  There are so many stories of people hurt, trapped, sad, lonely, confused and wishing their lives were happier and not so inflicted by people that are the causes.     The posts are endless and some of the stories so long it is so difficult to read and offer help/opinions.

What is it that we are all in need of?   We need love, kindness, family, friends, comfort, positive actions by those around us,  support,  peace, calm, hope & faith!   Hugs & compliments "darn it!"

One commonality from all our posts is many of us feel alone and like we were short changed in some way by our BPD mother that we have had to deal with or BPD sister (like mine) and in a way we were robbed of what were think is the positive relationships we are SUPPOSED to have in this lifetime.   BPD spouse I can't really compliment on becuz that is more of a challenge and may lead to divorce for many.

I propose this:  What if that is not the case?  What if we are all so connected that we are ALL family. We ARE all here sharing these personal stories.    I think our population is changing and many are realizing that friends can be family.   The only difference is that we have to be nice to our friends because friends can more easily choose to remove us from our lives.    We are trained to believe that blood family has to stay together no matter what.  What I read here is that "no", for many of us our blood family has been our life poison.   When it works, blood family can be wonderful.   I get jealous when I see friends with family that work together and support each other lovingly.  I have worked hard on my own children and hope that this love established keeps us together.   Creation of a loving family line begun I hope.

I wonder if we should try to share a story of a personal relationship(s) in our lives that were not blood family but has made a lasting difference to us.     A girlfriend who is more like a sister.  An older woman that is more like a real mother-in-law.      If we can focus on these positive people in our lives we may be happier.  I am trying to focus on girlfriend's that are like sister's since I am no contact with my sister a year now.   It is still a "work in progress".

Focusing and creating more positive relationships with people that do not fullfill traditional family blood lines is making a conscious effort to include people in our "circle". It does not happen overnight.   If you find yourself with little to no blood family like me then look for that "friends that are like family" circle.     It doesn't make the people with BPD go away but it lessons their influence and power over us.   

I wish everyone well & hope there was something of value in my post.   

[Leaving]

I like it

I'll be back to share a story.

I'd like to also add that I have a journal book called " Thank You G-d" and inside I write down the names of people, animals, experiences, organizations and an encounters that I believe are blessings to me and the world.  I also have a vintage typewriter that I keep a sheet of paper in all the time and on my way into the kitchen in the morning to get my coffee, I type a positive one-liner.  I also encourage others to type positive messages on there when they ask what it is for.

[oceaneyes]

I love this! I feel so thankful for the good people in my life, I try to focus on those positive feelings rather than the sadness and anger that I feel towards my uBPDmom.

In high school, I was a part of marching band and spent the majority of my time away from home on band trips. My band director was like a surrogate father, and participating in band really taught me a lot of life lessons that I wasn't being taught at home. I learned how to be responsible and dependable, how to work together with others, and the benefit of being a contributing member of a larger whole.

I have two close friends that I consider sisters, they are more like family to me than my mother ever was. The difference in my relationships with them vs my uBPDmother is that it is reciprocal. These friends give as much as they take, where my mother only knows how to take. I know that I can depend on them when times get tough, and I'm there for them if they need me.

In many ways, my in-laws taught me what true family is. If I had never met them, I'm not sure I would have ever known what a normal, loving and supportive family life is like. I probably would have repeated the behaviors I've learned. I used to feel guilty for preferring their company over my own family's and it took me many years to open up to them. They have been loving and supportive from the day they met me. Even when I was cold and distant, they were determined to love me, and I don't think I can ever thank them enough for that.

[Meadowslark]

This is a fantastic idea!

In many ways, we're building non-blood families that give us what we long for - stability, compassion, love, acceptance... .

I'm NC with my real sister, so I adopted one. She's been fantastic to me and I try to help her get out of her own terrible FOO. Together, we're healing from trauma caused by our blood-younger-sisters and our parents. I can do things with Adopted Sis that I couldn't do with BPDsis - simple things like enjoying a TV show, chatting about life, partaking in hobbies and going to visit places. My BPDsis would have breakdowns and make me regret bringing her anywhere. Adopted Sis loves going out and we enjoy each other's company, no strings attached.

I'm focusing much more on my SO (who is the best source of stability and love for me, for which I can't thank him enough). He's fun and lovable, and accepts me and my baggage as I am. No other man in my life could do that for me. My T is the older male influence my father could never be, a surrogate who understands that I am a separate being, not an extension of him. My T allows me to have the feelings I wasn't allowed to have as a child.

Things are looking up! :D

[Ziggiddy]

What a great thread idea, funfunctional.

I have often remembered a lady who babysat me when I was about 3. She smiled a lot and instead of telling me off for jumping on the bed, she got on and jumped with me. I used to keep in expectation of being in trouble but it never came. I recall asking her one time if she was getting annoyed at me running around all the time but she just laughed and said no. She liked it. 

[funfunctional]

Nice Ocean eyes!

You made your family! I am so happy for you that you have good inlaws. 

Nice story!

Fun 

[funfunctional]

Leaving:  Looking forward to hearing your story

Ziggidity: I can't believe you remember that far back.  Sounds like you have a nice fun memory there.   Babysitters can be super.    My babysitter taught us some new swear words.  EEEEKKK!  LOL

Meadowslark:  Having a "sister" to heal with is a good thing.   What drama with BPD sister.   I am so happy for you that you found replacements and better friends and role models in your life.   

I will say this isn't always easy for people to do.  I think some people with disfunctional family lives struggle with relationships.  Makes it more difficult.  My biggest issue is expectations. I expect too much from people at times and have to understand that they do have their own families.  When holidays come I am often reminded of this.  That being said;  there are thankfully only a few holidays a year.

[Leaving]

There have been many  wonderful Angels throughout my life who were instruments of inspiration, hope, courage and confidence but these always come to mind first: 

This may sound strange but my animals were the biggest source of love, joy and determination.   They kept me strong, energized and striving for a better life.   They taught me so much about myself- how strong I am when facing difficult choices and loss, how unselfish I am, how I know how to love unconditionally, how responsible I am.  I learned that first impressions are often misinterpretations and that physical appearance has nothing to do with anyone's capacity to love.  The most unattractive mutts often turned out to be my favorites.  They taught me that I don't hold grudges and that I'm a very forgiving person who wakes up each day as if it were the first day of my life.  I love animals.

During  K through 2nd grade was the worst time for me.  My parents divorced and my dad wasn't around.  We lived in a tiny rat infested apartment in a big city and  I had to walk several blocks to school all by myself.  My first grade teacher was very cruel to me and bullied me, hit me and made fun of me all the time in class because I didn't have a dad.  I made a pencil holder for my grandpa for father's day and she held it up and said that it was ugly and pathetic and that she couldn't believe I would give him such an ugly thing.  I guess in those days, kids from broken homes were cast as pariahs.  I tried and tried to do everything right for her but no matter what I did she found some reason to make me the laughing stock of the class.  I hated going to school.  There was a young adult couple, just married, living in one of the other apartment buildings. Their names were Susan & Willard.

They were unable to have kids of their own so they sort of adopted my brother and I as their own.  They took us on family vacations every summer, to amusement parks,  took us to visit their families, took us shopping, to

museums... you name it, they did it.   I joined the Brownie scouts when I was in the second grade but a few of the girls in my troop were that mean teacher's pets and they picked on me all the time.  One night during a meeting, the leader announced that the father-daughter dinner dance was in two weeks.  I didn't think much about it because I just assumed I wouldn't go since I didn't have a dad. Then one of the girls yelled and pointed to me, 'Hey!  She can't go!  You don't even have a dad!"  I just sat there, numb and didn't say a word.  The leader didn't say anything, no one did.  The girl wouldn't let up and kept harassing me about not having a dad.  It was time to leave the meeting and just as I was about to walk up the basement stairs,  the mean girl yelled once more at me asking what I was going to do since I didn't have a dad.  Willard suddenly appeared at the top of the stairs in the doorway ( I guess my mother asked him to pick me up that evening- Divine intervention?  I think so!)  and without even hesitating, he said, ' She has a father and I'm taking her to the dance".  I looked up at Willard and he looked down at me and winked and we walked to the car together.  On the way home he never said a word to me about our secret and he took me to the dance. That girl never opened her big ugly mouth again!

Years later, I gave him a letter on my wedding day telling him how special and loved he made me feel that day and how truly blessed I was to have him and Susan in my life.  I truly don't know what I would have done without them.  They were the only stable human role models of love in my life. 

My 6th grade English teacher gave me the gift of music.  One day she asked me to stay after class one day and pulled out a guitar and asked me if I wanted to learn to play music with her.  She gave me guitar lessons for free after school for an entire year and loaned me her guitar which later, I purchased with a 100 dollars that I earned one summer.  Playing my guitar was my escape from all the misery in my house.  I took my guitar with me everywhere I went and I never quit studying music. Now I play guitar, banjo and violin/fiddle and mandolin. The guitar I play today is that same guitar she sold me and I'll never sell it.

My 7th grade science teacher, Mr. Ross, was the father I desperately needed.  He knew I was struggling at home.  I'm sure he read things in the newspaper about my family and he also knew I was very tired in class and somewhat withdrawn.   One day at lunch he called me over to the teacher's lunch table and gave me his car keys and told me that there was a surprise on the front seat of his car for me.  He had gone  to McDonald's and bought me a shake and fries.  Then he asked me to sit with him and all the other teachers and have lunch.  He would tell all the teachers how well I was doing and how proud he was of me and that I would be a great scientist one day. He would ask me to write down my theories on things I thought were interesting about nature and then discuss it with all the teachers at lunch.   He did this same thing many times throughout the year.  He never once asked about how things were at home.  He just kept trying to help me gain confidence and focus.  Thanks to Mr. Ross, I majored in Biology.

In HS, I began drinking- every morning before school I drank Jim Beam or Grape Malt Duck ( is my age showing?).  I wasn't an alcoholic but I was definitely on the wrong track! I got caught, got suspended.  Then I began skipping school or skipping classes.  I skipped PE and my teacher, Miss Taylor, knew where I was hiding and she came and got me and marched me into her gym.  She handed me a piece of chalk and made me draw a huge mountain across the floor of the gym and then she told me to stand at the top.  She made me draw another one above it , same thing and another and another.  Finally she lectured me about how life ain't easy and is always going to be a matter of climbing one mountain after another- one step at a time- and as long as I can see another mountain from the summit,  I'm doing good.  She told me that it's when we don't see any mountains to climb that we're not living the life that was meant for us and that we've given up trying. She said, " There's always going to be people who want you to fail but you must not ever surrender to their will.  NEVER GIVE UP"   Then she made me run a lap on the track in my hiking boots. Uggg She didn't report me to the office for skipping that day.

Every child needs someone who believes in them.   Every child needs a mentor to champion their lives like those teachers were to me.  At the time, I had no idea how their efforts would influence me and it took many more years for me to recognize the connection.  I  found those teachers years later and took them to lunch to thank them.  I think it's important for people to know how they've touched someone else's life in a positive way.  I also wanted to meet my first grade teacher and tell her how her hatred and abuse harmed me and perhaps other chldren but I never got that chance because she had died ( probably from anger).

All the people I mentioned inspired me to give back and I became a mentor for many children in  different ways.  I quit mentoring in recent years because of my own personal problems but after writing all this, I'm going to begin again... immediately!  because the most positive affirmations and joy that I've received in my life has come from helping others to discover their strengths and achieve.  I highly recommend mentoring

PS... .  a few months ago when I was packing, I found a very old photograph of my grandpa sitting at his desk at the Pentagon in his fancy office and my ugly pathetic pencil holder was on his desk and had been there until the day he retired.   

[funfunctional]

Hello Leaving.  Thank you so much for sharing your inspirational story.  What an incredible reflection of your life and I can tell by the way you wrote your life that you have done it!  You have moved beyond the little that was given to you.   AND you stepped up and became a mentor.    I was inspired by what you wrote.   I can't believe the harshness of your childhood and the cruelty but then those teachers stepped up that helped you and mentored you.   Yes, and clearly your grandfather was proud of that pencil holder.   Ugly is in the eyes of the beholder and clearly he showed it off on his desk and thought it was beautiful.   He saw that it came from your heart.

I often find myself wallowing in my own at time and saying to myself "this is how I got "ripped" off " in this lifetime. I do feel ripped off.   But how do we move beyond that.   I repeat to myself "count my blessings... .count my blessings! and now just need it to SINK IN and really feel that.   

Lot of anger I have pent up and I wrote this post to try to help others share with me the need to find other people in our lives to fill the voids.  When we don't have family we wished for and we need those mentors to step up.    They are usually there when we need them.     

The animals sound so healing for you.  I love animals too.   

Much ((hugs)) and thanks for writing what you did.   

[Leaving]

Hello Leaving.  Thank you so much for sharing your inspirational story.  What an incredible reflection of your life and I can tell by the way you wrote your life that you have done it!  You have moved beyond the little that was given to you.   AND you stepped up and became a mentor.    I was inspired by what you wrote.   I can't believe the harshness of your childhood and the cruelty but then those teachers stepped up that helped you and mentored you.   Yes, and clearly your grandfather was proud of that pencil holder.   Ugly is in the eyes of the beholder and clearly he showed it off on his desk and thought it was beautiful.   He saw that it came from your heart.

I often find myself wallowing in my own at time and saying to myself "this is how I got "ripped" off " in this lifetime. I do feel ripped off.   But how do we move beyond that.   I repeat to myself "count my blessings... .count my blessings! and now just need it to SINK IN and really feel that.   

Lot of anger I have pent up and I wrote this post to try to help others share with me the need to find other people in our lives to fill the voids.  When we don't have family we wished for and we need those mentors to step up.    They are usually there when we need them.     

The animals sound so healing for you.  I love animals too.   

Much ((hugs)) and thanks for writing what you did.   

FunF,

Hold on now... .I've not exactly done anything yet!  I'm still trying to figure out a way out of my current home and horrible situation.  But, you're correct that I have always tried to soothe my own misery by creating happiness for others. It works every time.

You're not alone when feeling ripped off.  I too feel jipped because that's exactly what happened and I really struggle to make up for that by myself.  I combat those demons every day.   The best weapon we have is love.  I really do mean it when I say that the most healing comes from giving ( in productive healthy ways).  Positive affirmations alone are not enough in my opinion.  I have them all over my house and they don't make anything happen for me.  We must put love into action or else we remain stuck.

 

I really hate feeling bad.  I can't stand it!  

  There are many ways to make a difference in someone else's life.  Mentoring is one way and it's very healing.  For one thing we sort of get to create and  experience a childhood for ourselves that is healthy when we are relating to the kids.   You also get the reward of feeling that your life has purpose and meaning and that you have self worth.  The bonus is that you leave a legacy on this earth that lives on and on when you pass.

I contacted big sisters and filled out the form.  Also, if you're good at a specific school subject you could offer to assist a teacher...  I volunteered once as a math teacher for grades 4 and 5  and loved it.

Maybe volunteer with an animal organization?  

[Sunfl0wer]

I have had some difficulty focusing at work.  I have been carrying on enjoying and loving my work, however, treating it more like a hobby and not getting some very important things done.  Things which could lead me to loose my job. 

I confessed to someone (a pretty strict, professional who is more know for her intimidating nature) that I was struggling to focus and working on it, however, I apologized if we could not soon work together as my performance had been affected enough to have me soon loose many hours.

I well expected to soon receive some type of reprimand.  However, the opposite occurred. 

It was a huge compliment to me when I found out that behind my back, she made a few others aware of my difficulty.  She is not at all the nurturing type, and expects great work or simply appears to quickly move on. However, she communicated her frustrations over the potential of losing me... .in attempt to have a few band together to support me and help me to regain focus when they noticed I was distracted.  She offered me a few of her own business "secrets" as well.

This is the type of support I only would have expected from "family."  I am so touched that these few people value me and my work enough to go a little bit out of their way to help me get on track with my issue of focusing and being organized.  The approach and strategy had me feeling very loved and cared for!  It is exactly what anyone deserves!

[Leaving]

I have had some difficulty focusing at work.  I have been carrying on enjoying and loving my work, however, treating it more like a hobby and not getting some very important things done.  Things which could lead me to loose my job. 

I confessed to someone (a pretty strict, professional who is more know for her intimidating nature) that I was struggling to focus and working on it, however, I apologized if we could not soon work together as my performance had been affected enough to have me soon loose many hours.

I well expected to soon receive some type of reprimand.  However, the opposite occurred. 

It was a huge compliment to me when I found out that behind my back, she made a few others aware of my difficulty.  She is not at all the nurturing type, and expects great work or simply appears to quickly move on. However, she communicated her frustrations over the potential of losing me... .in attempt to have a few band together to support me and help me to regain focus when they noticed I was distracted.  She offered me a few of her own business "secrets" as well.

This is the type of support I only would have expected from "family."  I am so touched that these few people value me and my work enough to go a little bit out of their way to help me get on track with my issue of focusing and being organized.  The approach and strategy had me feeling very loved and cared for!  It is exactly what anyone deserves!

That's so wonderful Sunflower      I'm really impressed that you had the courage to reach out to your coworker and admit that you were struggling.  Sounds like you're very strong and proactive about seeking resolution.  That's a very admirable quality to have. 

It sounds like you have very wise and well-adjusted 'boss' who knows how to balance productivity with compassion.  There are too many people in leadership roles that rule from their own ego and are not objective. 

I'll bet you felt energized and empowered once you knew you were not alone and had someone on your side. I wish that everyone would treat each other that way.

Your story reminds me of when I had Shingles and was in so much pain.  I had a horrible case of Shingles and the pain was so unbearable.  I ran out of medication and so, late one night went to the doctor to get some.  The doctor was nice to me but what was so shocking was that first thing the next morning at 7am HE actually called me to see if the medication helped, if I had gotten sleep and if I was doing alright.  I was so touched that he had called me instead of  some cold corporate office clerk and I immediately felt so much better that I didn't even need the medicine after that! I thought about how he had just seen me at 11pm the night before and the first thing he did was call me the next morning!  Wow, what a great doctor! Does HE ever sleep? 

Just knowing that we are not suffering alone and that someone genuinely cares is  HUGE and can have a profound effect  on our attitude and overall health!   Keep up the good work Sunflower! 

[funfunctional]

Hello Leaving,

Well I think you have done "something" in that you are reflecting and jumped a few hurdles that aren't so easy to jump.

As my kids need me less I want to do some volunteer activities.

Big sister sounds good.

[Leaving]

Hello Leaving,

Well I think you have done "something" in that you are reflecting and jumped a few hurdles that aren't so easy to jump.

As my kids need me less I want to do some volunteer activities.

Big sister sounds good.

Thanks Fun, I appreciate that. 

Wow, you're kids are almost all ' growed' up ?  That's something to be really proud of! 

I really hope you enjoy the Big Sisters experience. You will be fantastic!

[Panda39]

Hi everyone,

What a great tread funfunctional  .  I actually started doing exactly this when I went through a breakdown/breakthroughs and my divorce 6 years ago.  I don't have a BPDmom but I've had a rough relationship with mine for a long time.  I'm a highly sensitive person and she is very invalidating.  I'd spent my life up until the time of my divorce trying to follow her "rules" and do all of the things she expected me to do.  I finally came to a place of radical acceptance regarding our relationship. She will never be that warm, nurturing, encouraging mother I want and I will never be the successful, intellectual that she wants. I have gone low contact and I don't think she's really noticed and that's okay. 

I have a wonderful group of friends that surrounded me during my divorce and continue to do so. Some are older... .the moms I'd choose for myself, some are my age... .sisters to share experiences and some are younger... .full of new ideas and ways of seeing things.  I had just the right group of people there to support me, each has brought their own special talents into my life.  This group of wonderful women along with my SO and son are the nucleus of my life and I am blessed by them all.

I just spent a week on vacation with my mom, her boyfriend, my brother, his girlfriend and my son.  I must say it was fascinating watching her in action from a more detached perspective.  I actually had a good time because I just turned back all those little jabs on her.  That's her perspective, that's her problem, boy is she OCD... .I didn't take any of the bait and didn't get triggered. 

What was interesting was my brother actually got into it with her briefly and that never happens.  He is her favorite.  I found myself stepping in as mediator it was a very strange place for me to be... .I'm not sure I've ever been there before.

I also wanted to tell Leaving how much I enjoyed your post about the people in your life that made a difference. Your list made me think of all the people in my life that were teachers, mentors, and best friends I too have had some amazing people cross my path. Thanks for sending me on a trip down memory lane 

Panda39

[HappyChappy]

I propose this:  What if that is not the case?  What if we are all so connected that we are ALL family... .

... .I wonder if we should try to share a story of a personal relationship(s) in our lives that were not blood family but has made a lasting difference to us.     A girlfriend who is more like a sister.

Is this the sort of thing you were thinking... .

My friends have pretty much been my family until I met my wife. I was in a gang of boys from age 6 and my NPD’s violence to me was checked for the first time by them.

I remember my NPD bro had thrown a metal rod at me, as it was the first time they tried to explain, that was out of order. “We’re brothers as well and no that isn’t normal for brothers”.

Seeing 10 year old boys telling him that he was out of order, when my BPD mom did nothing, gave me strengh. He then tried to bully me “by mistake” by tackling me hard in football etc... When he did this, the eldest member would go up to him and just knock him to the ground. He’d be yelling “But I didn’t have the ball, that's not fair !” and they’d all ignore him. They really went out of their way to protect me.

Ironically my church going mom would probably appear more respectable than my gang friends. They nick names my NPD bro “Psycho”. I’m still friends with these people, and Mr NPD is still Billy no mates. Anyone else got a good friend story ?

[Sunfl0wer]

By the way... .I really love this thread funfunctional!

I regret that I have not had the opportunity to read the entirety of it.  I keep marking it unread to save it to savor for later.

This thread concept is so especially important to me.  I love that you brought it up!

Feeling so disconnected from my FOO, I have found so much gratitude in the connections and meaningful interactions I have with others.  I guess in thinking in terms of ying/yang... .I feel especially grateful for many connections for the early deprivation of connection I have experienced.

There are people who I feel a deep connection to that I do not even speak to often, however, if we did, there would remain a deep understanding between us and a constant sense of familiarity. 

So, I'll mention one now... .

A coworker I'll call Dee.  When I first met her, she was the older mother hen of the group.  I could tell that who I am confused her and thus frustrated her.  I think the day she popped was the day all my coworkers were competing for time off for the upcoming major holidays.  I was the odd ball who offered to work every holiday for exchange of my two days off that no one wanted anyway.  The fact that it was almost clear that I had no family to spend the holidays with... .was certainly odd... .but no one appeared concerned except her.  So she somewhat aggressively "cornered" me and intimidated me, interrogating me to relieve herself of her own curiosity.  I know everyone else likely wanted to ask me the same questions, but didn't have the guts to appear so brash, or plain rude.  So I imagine she was asking on behalf of the group.  I also imagine they made up their own stories behind my back to fill in their gaps of their curiosity.  So I was in a state of complete panic at her barrage of questions and I just off the cuff answered them all honestly... .as in my state of panic... .I could not muster up a clever way out of this corner.

So every question she asked... .she was met with devastation after devastating honest revelations of my past... .how I came to be me... .here... .me appearing unmoved by the idea of what was exiting my mouth.

I was shocked at the interaction.

I honestly think she was equally in a state of shock during it.  As were the others in there subjected to hearing it.  (I often wonder if they maybe pondered that my truth was that I was some fugitive running from the law with no family connections... .I believe that they were convinced some ill deeds of me to be so "odd."

While I do wish I redirected things to a more respectful place of boundaries at that time... .

The end result was her suspicions of me were met with answers she, nor anyone else could not have imagined.  I believe that following this, behind my back,... .she likely conveyed to the rest to have deep respect for me vs their unanswered suspicions.

She... .to this day... .has tremendous respect for me.  She completely gets me... .We don't speak often anymore... .just because we are not physically close anymore.  However, I always feel connected to her in a motherly way.  We meet from time to time... .and I always have a deep feeling with her as though she is a mother to me... .and I believe she feels as though I am a daughter as well.

I am grateful for having experienced this r/s... .as I have imagined what a mother/daughter r/s can feel like... .so I now know and have felt this with her(and some others in my past as well.)

[funfunctional]

I am so happy all of you enjoyed the thread I started. Building support systems and finding role models and support groups in "non-traditional" places is the life that we all lead. 

I liked the stories you all shared. Sunflower and your pushy co-worker that ended up being a helper in your life.    A lot of people don't understand and can't fathom the thought of not having family to spend a holiday with.  Can you imagine?   

Happy Chappy with your "bros" and the support they gave you.  Having a 10 year old state the obvious of disfunction often we do need to hear that to "get" how crazy our situation is.  perspective!

I am thinking because you stepped out of it your brother stepped UP.    That is great.   I wonder if he even felt like now since you weren't doing the dirty work HE had to do it by standing up to your mom.  So glad about your girlfriends too. 

Yes Leaving.  My kids are almost grown up and thank you! It is a work in process but single parenting is a challenge.    I am remarried but the x is non-participatory for the most part.

peace & ttyl 

[Leaving]

I am so happy all of you enjoyed the thread I started. Building support systems and finding role models and support groups in "non-traditional" places is the life that we all lead. 

I liked the stories you all shared. Sunflower and your pushy co-worker that ended up being a helper in your life.    A lot of people don't understand and can't fathom the thought of not having family to spend a holiday with.  Can you imagine?   

Happy Chappy with your "bros" and the support they gave you.  Having a 10 year old state the obvious of disfunction often we do need to hear that to "get" how crazy our situation is.  perspective!

I am thinking because you stepped out of it your brother stepped UP.    That is great.   I wonder if he even felt like now since you weren't doing the dirty work HE had to do it by standing up to your mom.  So glad about your girlfriends too. 

Yes Leaving.  My kids are almost grown up and thank you! It is a work in process but single parenting is a challenge.    I am remarried but the x is non-participatory for the most part.

peace & ttyl 

Hey Fun,

Speaking of Christmas and holidays:  I have NO ONE to spend a holiday with and last year I was so depressed because I had lost both of my dogs and was living in a hotel. They were my children and the joy of every special occasion.  Anyway, I felt horrible so I went online and downloaded one of those holiday fireplaces to my computer to watch in hopes it would lift my spirit.  Anyway, the item was on amazon and I wrote a review about my situation and wonderful the faux fire was and you would not believe the number of emails I have received from people praying for me, offering 'love' gifts, etc...   I spent T'giving and Christmas as a Christmas Chef at a shelter and a Church. 

I'm sorry your husband has neglected and emotionally abandoned all of you. That's much much worse than being alone.    That's how my husband is and always has been really.  He's a source of misery and anger if anyone needs any.  If I were alone, I would not be lonely- just much poorer :'(

[funfunctional]

I am sorry Leaving about the holiday all alone.  Those damn holidays drive me nuts.   I have been divorced from my x husband several years.  I have remarried... .been remarried for 3 years.   My new husband cares and has filled a void for my kids in the dependability factor.  My x is "fun daddy" meaning he sees them a couple times a month and pays support and that is a "good parent" to him.  I would rather just leave the illusion alone.   Well, he just fathered another child with his new wife and now... .well says he doesn't have money to pay support anymore.    So much for the "good parent".  LOL

People really are crazy at time.

Sorry about your dogs.  That is a loss as pets are often like our children. I have a cat that I feel is like my kid.   

Sorry about being alone on the holiday. I do feel for you.  People don't realize it can happen to anyone.  Life passes by and with a twist of events this happens.   We are not sure how it ended up that way?   Is this just another darn challenge in our lives?  What do we do when we are in this position? I personally took up Angels a year and a half ago and pray.  When I am really feeling hopeless about a situation I ask the angels to come in and send me love.    I put them all over my house.     

I guess I would consider volunteering or going to a church or spiritual place on the holidays. I wonder if there are any meetup groups for people who don't have anyone to spend a holiday with.

Wishing you the best and that very positive and happy people and events come your way.  Be open and get ready for them.   

[Leaving]

I am sorry Leaving about the holiday all alone.  Those damn holidays drive me nuts.   I have been divorced from my x husband several years.  I have remarried... .been remarried for 3 years.   My new husband cares and has filled a void for my kids in the dependability factor.  My x is "fun daddy" meaning he sees them a couple times a month and pays support and that is a "good parent" to him.  I would rather just leave the illusion alone.   Well, he just fathered another child with his new wife and now... .well says he doesn't have money to pay support anymore.    So much for the "good parent".  LOL

People really are crazy at time.

Sorry about your dogs.  That is a loss as pets are often like our children. I have a cat that I feel is like my kid.   

Sorry about being alone on the holiday. I do feel for you.  People don't realize it can happen to anyone.  Life passes by and with a twist of events this happens.   We are not sure how it ended up that way?   Is this just another darn challenge in our lives?  What do we do when we are in this position? I personally took up Angels a year and a half ago and pray.  When I am really feeling hopeless about a situation I ask the angels to come in and send me love.    I put them all over my house.     

I guess I would consider volunteering or going to a church or spiritual place on the holidays. I wonder if there are any meetup groups for people who don't have anyone to spend a holiday with.

Wishing you the best and that very positive and happy people and events come your way.  Be open and get ready for them.   

Hey Fun... .

Yeah, those dreaded holidays. 

Now that you mention it, I did look at Craig's list and there were hundreds of people on there opening their homes to others or asking for a place to go for the holidays. The problem for me is that I don't trust anyone.  So, the Mission and Church is the safest place for me.  Meetup might be an option.  I didn't think of that.  I'll check it out. 

I do like you do with the Angels as well.  I have them everywhere. 

Yesterday I met three Angels     I was at the grocery store and an elderly man shopping in a motorized cart and I kept running into each other- I mean crashing!  It was truly crazy!  I joked and said I may have to sue him if he runs me over.  Anyway, after the third time, I told him i was convinced that we were supposed to meet and asked him if we could just shop together side by side and I could help him get his items as well.  He was so nice, thrilled and we laughed and cut-up the whole time.  After checking out, a very nice man asked if I needed help going to my car and I told him no.  He's always there, I think he's a bit 'slow' but he's such a wonderful man.  While I was at my car about to load, I noticed another very elderly man loading his car right next to mine and he commented on the heat and immediately reached over to open my hatchback for me.  WOW, for real?   The ' slow' guy suddenly appeared and asked the elderly man if he could assist him and the elderly man said, 'Oh no thanks but if you wouldn't mind assisting this lovely young lady with her groceries' and the man's eyes lit up and he was thrilled to help me.  He asked if I had anyone at home to help and I told him no and he said, 'I thought maybe a neighbor would help you".  (A neighbor?  Hmmmm  Not in my 'hood'.  They are all about bullying, not helping)  I assured him I would be fine.  Fun, I couldn't help but imagine the slow guy being my husband- someone who genuinely has love in their heart.  Then I thought to myself how demented that was to fantasize about such a thing but you know?  I'm so sick of being the mother of a defiant oppositional teenager!  I'm 54!  I want to be treated like a 54 year old woman!  Anyway, yesterday I got that once in a decade special treatment and I'm so glad because it reminded me that there is still hope that I may find a gentleman and love again. 

I had dental surgery this morning for the second time and because I must have a ride to and from the doctor's, I had to call a taxi service for the second time.  No biggie but I was cursing to myself about how I'm just sick of living this way.  I've got to make a friend (that i can burden with all my troubles... .hahahha)! 

[GreenGlit]

What a wonderful and positive post. My journey learning about BPD and learning to deal with my mother and sister has been enlightening in terms of how I view the other non-blood relatives around me.

The person in my life I credit for so many happy and loving memories is my nanny. She lived in our home as a live-in maid slash baby sitter for 17 years... .she was a South American woman who came with no family, no spouse or children, and really no other ties. My mother got pregnant with me while she was living in our home and my nanny was even at the hospital when I was born - and since that day she loved me like her own daughter. She confided in me once she had plans to leave and go back to her home country, but when she held me in her arms at the hospital, she said "I felt like I had a purpose here, and I never thought about returning again." Still makes me tear up. My mother always stressed the importance of blood relations when we were growing up, and how friendships were "worthless and only exist for convenience," but while she, my own blood, was berating and criticizing and verbally abusing me, my nanny was quietly loving and nurturing me in ways my mother never did. It's interesting to see how my mother herself provided for me the singular most powerful example of the strength of a non-blood relationship. My nanny has since moved out of our home, but we speak several times a week. She now works to care for my elderly grandparents. Interestingly we have been discovering that my mother frequently tries to pit us against each other. It's clear my mother is jealous of my relationship with other maternal figures in my life. My nanny and I will call each other and laugh about how she will tell each of us negative stories about the other person. "Your nanny, who you love SO MUCH, did such and such selfish thing" - we will just laugh about how silly she is and about how hard she tries (and fails) to get between us. A true mother and daughter bond if I ever knew one.

When I experienced some drama surrounding my wedding, I called my nanny upset about all the cruel things being said to me. She cried too, out of sadness for me, and told me a story that touched me in such a powerful way it always makes me cry to write it or repeat it (hopefully nobody will walk by my cubicle in the next 10 minutes). She said that she decided to leave our house when I was a teen because my mother was horribly cruel to her - would always criticize her or yell at her, etc. She tried to stay for years, because she said, she wanted to help protect me from my verbally abusive and critical mother. But at some point she said she couldn't take it and was extremely depressed and had to get out. She said she was so scared to leave because she knew that my mother would speak poorly about her to me and felt that I would stop loving her. But, she said she thought to herself, "Well, even when she stops loving me, I can continue to love her from afar. And maybe sometimes, when she's older, I could call her, and I could hear about her life, and that she is happy. That will be enough."

Her kindness and unconditional love blew me away... .just floored me. For the first time, at the age of 25, I really understood what it was like to be truly loved by a mother. It's that unconditional love that never wanes, that is constant and everlasting. It is something I have never known from my own mother. We were both sobbing on the phone - I told her I would never stop loving her, and never did. She was right that my mom spoke poorly of her when she left, but I told my mother that she could never speak ill of my nanny while I was present. I was meek when it came to standing up to my mom, but that was one thing I stood firm with, even as a kid. We did lose touch for a while - but the drama around my wedding led me to reach out to friends and non-blood contacts for support. And for all the sh*t I have experienced, I'm so glad for it to have this incredibly special relationship with my nanny reestablished.

Whoever said blood is everything... .they can eat me. Including my mom, who is very pissed I have 3 mothers walking in my wedding this September - her, my future MIL, and my nanny.

[nerdess]

It is truly wonderful to hear this message. This is such the opposite of what society tells us, but those messages create guilt and pressure to remain in toxic relationships. I love this post!

[Planttrees]

Thanks for sharing your ideas... it is true we need to think out od the box and connect with people heart to heart. We are all a big family and it is wonderful if you think of it! And we can find really good people out there. Normail fellows that with humble actions promote the best loving relashionship among other people.

The previous paragraph is difficult to figure out though if you grew up under a BPS mother manipulative domain... .you need to reprogram yourself... that s why it is so challeging!

On the other hand, traditjonal beliefs do not help. People around you expect you, the healthier one, to take control of all those impredictable situations no matter what. Do not accept that responsability anymore... .you are the child and your BPD parent is the responsible one. 

A son/ daughter of a BPD parent knows BPD first checkmark goes to they never feel  responsible, never apologize, never consider a compromise.   Your BPD parent just will come up to you with any emotional blackmail, making you feel guilty, and finding a way to stay in your life. Do you want to live your life repeting the same pattern over and over?

To stsrt building up a healthy life, deattach from those that are permanently unhealthy individuals  (your mom is an individual). Clear up the way to open your mind and heart to those individuals that will teach you the meaning of love and respect.

Be kind of yourself making your Life saving decision!

[Sunfl0wer]

Simply beautiful Greenglit!

Whoever said blood is everything... .they can eat me. Including my mom, who is very pissed I have 3 mothers walking in my wedding this September - her, my future MIL, and my nanny.