Do I have a self?

[Is it hope]

I know that if I am going to move forward I need to keep learning from everyone here and keep reading the lessons.  I know there is a lot of good material and support.  But after three decades of living with uBPDw I am not sure... .of so much. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

 

I know that feeling! Keep digging, you will find yourself somewhere in there. 

I don't know if I have any jewels of wisdom that are helpful. I am knee deep in trying to find myself and press forward. Wanted to offer you some words of support and let you know that you aren't alone.

Have you read any of the stuff about self care?

[Is it hope]

Thank you VOC.  There is so much to think about.  I don't know that I have seen anything specifically about self-care but I will look. 

[vortex of confusion]

It is in Lesson 5: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913193#msg913193

There is some good stuff in there including stuff like Believing in Yourself, Getting out of the FOG, and what it means to take care of yourself.

It is a long process and it can be very overwhelming at times especially if you are trying to find yourself while trying to make sense out of the confusion.

[maxsterling]

Very common for us to feel like we have lost ourselves in these relationships.  I know I have.  I don't feel like I am the same person I was two years ago, and I feel disconnected from who I really am.  I can't imagine what it must feel like after 3 decades

Did you have a good sense of self before this r/s?  What were some things you liked to do?  What made you happy?  Are there hobbies you had back then that you no longer participate in?

I'm glad you are here to talk about this.  This is an important topic .

[SurfNTurf]

Hi  Hope,

You still have yourself; you just have to get re-acquainted! Getting there means doing some self care, reading the lessons and articles on this board, reading other posts, and some mulling it over. What do you do that you enjoy? That is separate from your SO? Hobbies? Work? Volunteering? Working out? Fishing? Something?

It's really easy to lose track of yourself when living with pwBPD. One of the reasons I enjoy my job so much is that I get so much validation from it. I've worked hard to get where I am, if I quit or retired now my uBPDhusband would be working to convince me I'm just that poor white trash girl who had alcoholic and personality disordered parents and not to forget where I came from. (My philosophy is, it's okay to look back, just don't stare.) I don't have as many hobbies as I used to, simply for lack of time, t hough I enjoy a monthly quilting group with women. I manage to get to church 3 Sundays a month when I'm not at work. That's about all I can manage right now.

Is there anything you do now that you used to do before your r/s? Something that is all your own?

[waverider]

Its like a well knotted ball of string. The first step in untangling it is to find the loose ends. They are not always easily visible.

[Is it hope]

Thanks so much everyone for your suggestions.  To be honest I cannot get over the feeling of guilt for even posting here.  But it is not all guilt, it is also fear.  I do have a lot of things to be thankful for, children and grandchildren mostly.  But that is where some of my fear lies.  I would never want to do anything to damage my relationship with them.  Four of our six children are, by name at least, step-children, my relationship to them, though not destroyed would be damage would I to ever leave.  I know my wife would besmirch my name at any convenience.  She has never said a kind thing about her first spouse, of ten years.  I guess I am at the stage Waverider suggests... .trying to find the loose ends to have a place to start. 

I think the suggestion in one of the lessons is to detach with love.  I think I have detached to the point of being numb on many issues.  Maybe too many issues, when my parents died ten years ago I never shed a tear.  That is a pretty awful thing, I loved my parents. 

See I start spilling my guts and I kind of flounder all over the place. But I do appreciate the suggestions and show of concern you folks have given.

[Is it hope]

Did you have a good sense of self before this r/s?  What were some things you liked to do?  What made you happy?

Good questions.  I think in many ways I was kind of rudderless when I got married.  I think I was more than willing to get swallowed up in my wife's life, which included four darling daughters.  I was one of those perennial college students before then.  I do enjoy fishing, though it has been a while since I have done any. 

And I am like Surf-n-turf, I do have work that I take pride in.  It is interesting though, usually when I try to involve my wife in a situation I face at work I end up feeling frustrated and devalued because she comes up with the right moral choice quicker than I can state it.  I don't think she realizes she does this, just like I don't think   she is aware of most things she does that devalue me.

VOC I will read the link to lesson 5.  I haven't made it that far... .there is so much material.   

[waverider]

  I do enjoy fishing, though it has been a while since I have done any. 

 

Do some more. It was my savior for developing "me time" and getting away for a while. I upped the anti and got a kayak... The horizon is my limit now... cant beat the serenity, and serenity can be a great battery charger.

[Is it hope]

Yes Waverider, I will try and do some fishing.

Reading through one of the threads in Lesson #5, one about "taking care of yourself", it was very helpful.

It is so interesting to see  the commonalities that so many of us with pwBPDs in our lives deal with.  My uBPDw and I are planning a camping trip together in about three weeks, I am definitely going to need to set some boundaries and find some time alone during that time.  My wife is supportive, on some level at least, of my fishing. 

I think about our last vacation and I think how the way I judged the success of each day and of the trip was how happy my wife was.  I have said to myself long before I realized that my wife has BPD that no one can make someone else happy.  Now I have to learn the tools to separate myself from her, get away from the enmeshment, in a positive way.  I think I will incorporate fishing into the trip and that will be a start.