No sex drive after leaving

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Its been 5 1/2 months since I left my BPD ex of 3 years. I've not had much motivation to meet new partners, my friends tell me I should go meet a girl and do my thing but it feels like too much trouble and my sex drive is pretty low. I talked to an online "therapist" who suggested I schedule appointments with her and avoid intimate relations with the opposite sex until then. Is this sound advice? I don't feel like I'd get attached, I just want some casual relations.  

That said, my sex drive really diminished during my r/s with her. I found other ones attractive but she couldn't cut it for me after a while. I think because of how much she hated herself and her body and the general attitude of neediness was a huge turn-off. Of course, I never strayed outside of our relationship for sex and now I feel at a loss for how to approach this with a new potential partner.

[disorderedsociety]

Its been 5 1/2 months since I left my BPD ex of 3 years. I've not had much motivation to meet new partners, my friends tell me I should go meet a girl and do my thing but it feels like too much trouble and my sex drive is pretty low. I talked to an online "therapist" who suggested I schedule appointments with her and avoid intimate relations with the opposite sex until then. Is this sound advice? I don't feel like I'd get attached, I just want some casual relations.  

That said, my sex drive really diminished during my r/s with her. I found other ones attractive but she couldn't cut it for me after a while. I think because of how much she hated herself and her body and the general attitude of neediness was a huge turn-off. Of course, I never strayed outside of our relationship for sex and now I feel at a loss for how to approach this with a new potential partner.

[once removed]

hey disorederedsociety,

dating again, and how soon, is a very personal decision, not one that an actual professional would suggest ought to hang on making appointments with her. in fairness, my relationship was three years as well, and at 5 and a half months i was nowhere even close to ready to date. that doesnt necessarily mean that you arent.

so id ask you straight: do you feel ready to date?

"Of course, I never strayed outside of our relationship for sex and now I feel at a loss for how to approach this with a new potential partner."

thats an issue worth pursuing. i wont be shy in recommending you see a professional, licensed, therapist.

[enlighten me]

I can totally relate. My last year with exgf was sexless. Its been over twelve months since we split and I still havent been intimate with anyone. I dont miss being in a relationship but do miss being intimate. I think it will just happen whenever but im not pushing for it.

[disorderedsociety]

This "reparenting" process is iinteresting to me. How could anyone someone says repair long standing  damage like that?

[NonBPDEx]

I thought the best cure for my sadness was to get back on the horse.

Like everyone else her, the sex with my exBPDgf was the best I had had in my life. It seems we were 'horizontal' for most of the relationship. Sex was 'at least' every day, and quite often more than that. It was wonderful.

So, of course as soon as the relationship ended I missed that terribly. I thought, 'I don't want a relationship now, but someone to touch and be intimate with would sure help ease the pain'.

I went to online dating. The second day, in the evening, I got a message from a woman. We texted for an hour, and then she invited me over to her place, and so I went.

She had a nice condo, was young, and attractive. She said she had split with her boyfriend six months ago and had not had sex since. She told me she was a clinical therapist, working on her Phd in psychology, and seeing clients regularly.

She said she did not want sex that night, but then almost immediately jumped on me and we ended up in her bed.

After it was over I felt an incredible sorrow. She was not my exgf. I felt so incredibly sad.

Never the less, I decided I would continue to see her as I thought it would help me to heal.

The next night she texted me saying she missed me and would I come over. I went. When I got to her place and texted that I was outside she responded with "No! Please Leave!" Not another word from her after that.

I took my online dating profile down after that. The experience was not good for me on any level.

[Trog]

'The next night she texted me saying she missed me and would I come over. I went. When I got to her place and texted that I was outside she responded with "No! Please Leave!" Not another word from her after that.'

Good lord that's not fun at all! Especially considering the timing of it.

Well, another bullet dodged but very poor form (actually rude and disrespectful of your time and feelings) from her to behave like that. Boyfriend re-emerged? Probably.

No loss, but can understand how it would throw you.

[once removed]

"reparenting" while, a legitimate part of schema therapy and dbt, is not something she is remotely qualified to offer.

this may help, and these kinds of psychotherapy are not BPD specific:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76487.0

[chill1986]

The last 4 months of my relationship with my ex was sexless, after I can back from spending Xmas with my parents it stopped. Week before she couldn't keep her hands off me. My sex drive dropped massively. It's been a couple of months since the break up and I am still in love with my ex but am talking to new girls. No desire to sleep around or anything like that, just taking to new people helps and makes me think I can be happy again.

[Skip]

We have a lot of members going through this.

Have you taken the Stanford depression test?  It is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0

Before considering schema therapy, most therapists would first try simpler more conventional (less expensive and time consuming) approaches.  

Schema therapy is excellent.  It does, however, put the patient in a dependent/vulnerable relationship with the counselor.  For this type of therapy you want a highly reputable and experienced source that you really trust.

[apollotech]

I think quite often, especially on these boards because of partners with BPD issues, sex and intimacy are errantly used interchangeably. They are not the same thing. One is emotional and one is physical. I would take a closer look at what I did or did not have in the relationship. Was the lack of sex during the relationship the issue that is now causing post-relationship problems or was it the lack of intimacy during the relationship that is now causing issues?