how will uBPD act in court?

[NorthernGirl]

DH and his ex (uBPD) have joint guardianship of SS20. UBPD has decided she wants to fight for sole guardianship. She is having trouble building a case as her "evidence" is so weak. So there is a chance this could all fall apart before it goes to court.

If this does go to court, I'm wondering what uBPD will do. DH, his ex and SS20 would all be on the witness stand. DH's L will ensure the parents are not in the room when SS20 is on the stand to try to lessen the stress on him (he has high anxiety).

Does anyone have experience with a BPD mom in a court setting? Is she likely to be able to hold things together for a few hours on the witness stand? Or will the high pressure situation put so much strain on her that she could fall apart? Or will she put on a show -- pretend she is the poor mom who always gets picked on in the hope the judge will see her as a victim?

In past stressful situations, she has done all of the above -- sometimes able to hold things together and appear somewhat normal. Other times losing her cool. Sometimes she has completely shut down when she has realized her Poor Mom act is being bought

DH's L will be planning the approach for court if this goes ahead (earliest court date is next February) and will discuss approaches with DH. She knows that DH's ex has some major issues (has been DH's L for a few years for all the guardianship issues). Even so, I think she continues to be amazed at the BPD behaviours. The L says that courts are still very much on the Mom's side -- and so the judge will frown on anything that appears to be picking on the mom, no matter what she has done.

Any experience or ideas on a strategy?

[livednlearned]

I saw the full range of behaviors when N/BPDx was in court. During one hearing, when we were entering a ruling where the judge came close to taking away n/BPDx's visitation, I believe he was having a psychotic episode. His voice sounded normal, he was making grammatical sense, and if you were not aware of what was true/not true he might seem functional.

But he was in a parallel universe in terms of what he thought was real. It was the purest version of his mental illness I saw -- stripped of the behaviors, just his thought process and coping mechanism on full display.

The judge had allowed him to continue visitation with S13. N/BPDx insisted the order about to be entered did not say that. It was right there in black and white.   What was even stranger is that N/BPDx was behaving as though he and the judge were on the same page. N/BPDx kept implying that my attorney was incompetent.

I think you have to prepare for the worst, including dysregulated behavior before and after the court hearing. Try to get access to a conference room (where lawyers confer) if you can, so SS20 has a place to be alone. You might also want to take him to the court room in advance so he can see it and then explain how things work. For example, even though I had appointment times on certain days, so did everyone else -- at the same time. The judge would check to see who was there, and then he would start prioritizing who would go next. Often I would sit through several other cases waiting my turn. That can be agony for someone with high anxiety. If he can hang out in a conference room, that might be easier for him.

Bio mom will have a hard time behaving badly in court, is my guess. If it's anything like my court, the judge won't allow something even as minor as eye rolling or heavy sighing. I was in court one day when a couple started to argue and the bailiff was on both of them in half a second. Respectful conduct and decorum is held in high regard and even the lawyers are deferential, almost subservient, in the presence of the judge.

[Thunderstruck]

Or will she put on a show -- pretend she is the poor mom who always gets picked on in the hope the judge will see her as a victim?

This has been the case in our hearings. She claims that she can barely afford to live and needs $$$$$$ in child support and claims that DH is harassing her. Then she tries to be cooperative with the court docs but it all falls apart and ends up in confusion.

Our L interrupts her when she's talking (eg. objection: heresay) and she flips out at him when he does it ("Excuse me, I was talking. I don't interrupt you when you're talking.". She hates it. Then the judge has to stop and explain to her that he can't consider heresay and that our L has a right to object even if she doesn't like it.

I think me attending the hearings might place her in high trigger mode too. She seems to not be able to contain her anger when I'm around.

Our last judge saw through her "poor me" routine, but I'm not so sure that this one does. So every judge is different.

[NorthernGirl]

Thanks LnL and Thunderstruck. I can see we should expect anything.

In other situations, DH's ex has shown examples of what you mentioned. I like your suggestions of the conference room and taking SS20 to the court beforehand, so will mention them to DH. DH's L says SS20 can have someone with him to help him in the court, but the challenge will be finding some DH and his ex will agree on. DH's ex would NEVER let me be the one with him and she will do whatever she has to in order to make sure SS20 is with her just prior to going in the court. So SS20 will be highly anxious. The L has suggested having the person with SS20 be someone who has been in the court for these types of situation before so the person can explain to SS20 what is happening. But I think having someone he knows who can help him with his anxiety more than a stranger. So we'll see how that works out.

Thanks again. If anyone else has experience or strategies, I would appreciate whatever you have to offer!

[Indyan]

I think me attending the hearings might place her in high trigger mode too. She seems to not be able to contain her anger when I'm around.

I was thinking of not attending in September, but now that you say this I should probably be there... .

BPD goes mad when I'm around, definitely. I've had echoes that he looks "normal" when I'm not there.