I am going to hurt you back even more BPD perception & revenge

[funfunctional]

Hello,

One commonality my husband and I have discussed is a trait of the BPD person (his mother and my sister) to hate you back even more & revenge.

We find that neither of these two woman will EVER admit that they are wrong.  They can have a blatent outburst and create a drama or a scene but they don't see it that way. Somehow it is still our fault.  They do something blatently ill intended or back stabbing or just mean but it is still our fault.

My sister had a party at her house years ago.     I was excited to go to party and just coming off of surgery 2 weeks before and had breast cancer and my mother had been diagnosed with terminal cancer just few months before that.   My kids were young... very and I was recovering & healing.  I had brought this enormous tray of beautiful pastries and despite the major surgery was helping carry things down to the party.  My kids were inside playing.  My now X husband was with them and apparently they were playing on the stairs and running somewhat.  My sister,  came into the kitchen and in front of a number of guest laid into me about how my kids were acting horribly and that I was to be making sure that wasn't happening.   I had just come in from bringing dinner food in as I was helping clean up and wasn't even in the house.      My X husband and I packed up the bags and left.  People stood around with their mouths open.  It was horrible.

I brought this up a couple years ago while we were still talking and she still did not apologize for her behavior.     

I have been no contact for a year and it is tough.  My husband and I have very little family.  We are rebuilding.   Trying to reach out and make more friends.    My dad is still alive and still in touch with my sister.  My dad often will say to me,  well she is coming around and may want to be in touch with you.  She drunk called my house and my x husband and my daughter but hasn't acted out on facebook for a few months.    I guess in my own mind I was hoping she would change and call back and apologize.  I can tell by my dad's comments that she is doing the revenge thing.  I did shut her down after a brutal verbal attack on me and I did finally say "enough" with her.   Had enough of the weekly drama and awful texts. 

My husband's mother has done the same.  We went no contact with her and she hates.

I guess no contact is what we wanted.  Life is less drama.  I honestly can't say it is a happy thing.  To have my kids want to see their only cousins breaks my heart.    They deserve better than this garbage from a horrible extended family. 

Such small families with two woman in it that have divided and caused more pain and suffering to children.  I have watched my two nephews (my sister-in-laws kids) suffer at the hands of my MIL.  Now they are moving away & all these divides and splits are sad.  My husband and I comment that this is a tough time for us when we need to have friends as family. That is a work in progress. Replacing all those that no longer serve our emotional well being.     

just talking I guess... .but this is the core of the emotion... .the truth of it.    No contact is often the only answer but it doesn't mean it lessons the pain.

[HappyChappy]

Hey funfunctional, long time.  Still in a similar place to you, I'm still NC and my wife and I have very little family - so we have to pay our baby sitters.

But reading your post, I think you know what's going on but are frustrated that BPD simply can not apologies (and mean it). The theory states that they believe themselves to be on a higher level and no need for them to change. Hence no need for them to apologies. Even if you did squeeze an apology out - do you think they'd mean it ? But if they can't change, then they will continue to be frustrated, stuck with the negative black and white thinking. So aren't we really lucky that we can escape that ? We are able to change - we don't have to be stuck like a BPD, unless we've picked up too many flees.

Let them really really hate us, blame us, and feud if that's what floats their boat. "If we all took an eye for an eye the whole world would be blind" as the man in a loin cloth said.

Hey if you were that way funfunctional, you wouldn't be fun or functional. Keep making those new healthier relationships you speak of. I've learnt most of what matters from my good friends, my wife and kids. Keep trucking in the right direction and thanks for the advice you've given me in the past.  

[funfunctional]

Why thank you Happy Chappy!  I loved how you broke my name out... .fun... .functional.  I am really trying to be fun and functional like my name.   I consider myself doing pretty good... .could do better.

I won't get the apology and I know it. My husband won't get one either.  Each of these woman would rather go to their grave kickin and screamin before an apology.

We will continue... .we will rebuild... .we have the technology (LOL... .almost went into the Bionic Man t.v. show so I am dating myself).

We will go onward & live happy & positive lives!