separating

[reticulatedsplin]

I think I originally posted this in the staying forum by accident so reposting here.

After 3 years of marriage and 5 years of knowing each other I think my husband and I are going to separate. I'm writing this mostly because I haven't really felt comfortable sharing the details of our relationship with my friends and family and I feel this huge sadness inside me and I need to let it out somewhere. Apologies if this isn't the right place for that.

When we met, we connected instantly. We actually first met through a gay hookup app called Grindr but we didn't actually have sex or even kiss until date two or three. The first few dates were just us talking for hours on end, completely losing track of time. We just clicked in such an easy and natural way that I felt pretty early on that we had a very special connection. I'm normally someone who has difficulty being social with new people, and with him it was just effortless. The first few years of our relationship were amazing and I was happier than I've ever been with someone.

Things started to fall apart when we moved in together. We began fighting more often, though I assumed this was just a natural side effect of moving in together which would pass. We got married not long afterwards, and I hoped things would settle down, but they got steadily worse. Bigger fights, occurring much more often, involving him making wild accusations, screaming at me, ambushing me while I was sleeping, and other really stressful things. I knew something was wrong then, since the frequency and the intensity of the fights was too extreme to be just marital squabbles. I kept insisting that this wasn't normal, and each time he insisted he was in the right.

We'd fight about 2-3 times a week in a big explosive fashion- yelling at each other and all that. He once broke his arm punching a door when we were fighting about my dog chewing up one of his sweaters. I once got so angry at being woken up with a shirked accusation of infidelity that I kicked a hole in the wall. These usually appeared out of nowhere with little warning. He'd come home and seem irritated, then a few minutes later be screaming at me about how the fact that I didn't check the mail meant that I thought of him as my subordinate. In between the fights he'd alternate between being very sweet on some days and very bitter on others. By bitter I mean just sour and nasty. He'd come home and it would be apparent he was in a bad mood. Everything I said would get a nasty remark from him. Every suggestion I made was shot down. He'd walk around the house finding things which weren't clean and get very angry about them. I felt like between the explosive and unexpected fights, and the general background nastiness, I began to feel very uncomfortable just being around him. I felt like at any time the sweetness would melt and I'd be attacked (verbally/emotionally, he never hit me). That was the worst bit, never knowing when I was going to be yelled at, and feeling like nothing I could do would prevent it.

We eventually started couples therapy about a year and a half ago, and there were some victories- learning how to deescalate some fights, learning times when we seemed more prone to fighting that we could avoid eachother during. But honestly we were still fighting about as frequently as ever.

Last year he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and started individual therapy for it. It certainly made a lot of things make sense. The rapid switching back and forth from happiness to anger to sadness. The overwhelming emotions he seemed to feel. The way he could completely block out all evidence to the contrary whenever he got upset about something he suspected. Unfortunately him being diagnosed didn't really lead to a major improvement. It just added another step to our fighting cycles, where after he blew off all of his steam, he'd cool down and realize he'd had a BPD moment and feel deep shame and self-loathing. He got better at recognizing and admitting when he'd had a BPD moment after the fact, and there was a slight decrease in how often we'd fight, but explosive screaming matches were still a bi-weekly occurrences, often book ended by a several days of sullen nasty bitterness.

And the deep shame/self-loathing moments he felt were almost worse than the explosive anger. He'd cry, talking about how broken he felt and how he didn't deserve me and how I should just leave him. Seeing someone you love and are married to sobbing and talking  please read               | about themselves hurts, you know? I'd do my best to try to keep him hopeful, tell him I knew how hard he was working Even if it's after they've been screaming at you an hour before. More recently the divorce/separation overtones to these crying spells has increased. Two days ago he said "I'd be sad, but I understand if you left me". This morning he said "You need to leave so that one of us can be happy."

In all honesty, I do want out. I feel like even if he miraculously got better today, what I once felt for him has been far overshadowed by the anger, the bitterness, the nastiness. I've grown so used to being nervous around him that I no longer trust him. I also know that he'll never get "better" in the sense of no longer having BPD. The best I can hope for is a decrease in the frequency and intensity. I'll never not have to be on my guard around him. I want more for my life. I don't want a land mine for a husband.

On the flip side, I do love him. We make eachother laugh, he understands how I feel about things, and when he's in one of his good moods we have a terrific time together. When he's sad, I do genuinely feel bad seeing him in pain. In a way that makes it worse for me. And I can't help but worry that if I divorce him that I'm giving up on something that could still be good.

I haven't really spoken about any of this to my family, and have only really shared anything with one of my friends. It's embarassing, you know? How do you tell your friends, who will see and interact with your husband periodically, that he's a lunatic who loses his  please read               | at you over taking out the garbage? Only a few of him have ever witnessed one of his major freak-outs, so I don't even know if they'd believe me. I feel ashamed at the idea that I'm the one giving up on this and calling it quits (even if he is literally begging me to leave him). I also know that none of this is really his fault. I can see how  please read               |ty he feels after each time he loses it. I know he doesn't want to be this way. I know he can't help it.

I also feel scared at how he'll react. Despite all of the assurances that he understands if I leave him and how he doesn't think he deserves me, I know how vindictive he can be when he feels wronged, and what hell he put his past boyfriend through during their breakup. And he's legally got his hooks on me, unlike his last boyfriend, so if he flips his stance and decides he feels victimized by me, he can make a huge amount of trouble for me. My biggest fear is him taking out his anger on one of my dogs, or perhaps trying to argue that he gets custody of one of them in order to hurt me.

I feel like this is all going to come to a head this evening when we have couples therapy. The last two or three days have been an emotional black hole for both of us, with divorce/separation being a constant refrain in our conversations, mostly from him telling me how he thinks it's hopeless, how he doesn't understand why I'm with him anymore, and even flat out telling me I should divorce him because "at least one of us can be happy." I've stopped trying to sugarcoat when he's depressed, stopped trying to tell him that things will be all right and that we'll make it, because I don't think we will and I don't want to lie to him. I feel like he's going to pin me down and make me admit that I want a divorce. I do, but I know that the second I say so my life will change permanently.

I'm terrified.

[Mutt]

Hi reticulatedsplin,

I can understand how embarrassing that would be talking to friends and family about your marriage. It helps to talk to people that share similar experiences.

I find it helps to our share stories on the boards. My ex is undiagnosed and displays BPD traits and I don't think it's my responsibility to explain the complexities of her disorder to family and friends, diagnosed or not. It was my marriage I wanted the respect that it was despite her acting out. I didn't want to air our dirty laundry. She was my spouse and I did love her.

I can understand how scary that would feel leaving a pwBPD and you do have a collective wisdom at your disposal here 24 / 7 to support and guide you through it.  We're here for you.

How did your MC session go?

[reticulatedsplin]

Not what I was expecting. He said he's known for months and is just relieved I finally said I wanted to separate. I was an emotional wreck. Sobbing for a fair amount of time. Not sadness really, just emotional release I guess. I've been trying to keep it together and stay positive for so long, that finally openly admitting I was giving up felt like opening the floodgates. I'm a bit suspicious about how calmly he's taking it. I was expecting all manner of vicious attacks. He's seemed sad and withdrawn, but isn't lashing out at all like I expected. Not sure if this means it just hasn't sunk in yet, or if this is actually something he's wanted as well. After therapy he was very civil and kept his distance and didn't try to engage physically beyond reassuring hugs. I slept on the couch, though he offered to do so. Woke up still feeling very confused and overwhelmed. We're discussing next steps this evening, whether he moves out or I do, division of property, etc.

I do feel a great deal of relief, though. I think just saying "I can't do this anymore" felt like the scariest most impossible thing, now that it's done it feels like there's nothing worse that can happen. Here's hoping he remains civil so that that remains true.

[Mutt]

I can understand feeling relief when we're trying to keep it together for a long time.

What are your plans for separating? Are you planning on being seperated in your home or moving?

[reticulatedsplin]

We're discussing that tonight. I think one of us should move out ASAP. He's being civil and calm, but I don't know how long that will last. After we're moved out we can look at divorce proceedings I guess. I've got some lawyer friends who do divorce work, so I can get their help and guidance, even if it's just to refer me to another attorney. I think the most important bit is to physically separate from each other so that we're no longer seeing each other on a daily basis. Removing the risk of anything bad happening by removing myself, the dogs, and my stuff to somewhere outside his range should he no longer be able to remain calm.

I talked to two of my close friends about it last night and this morning. I hadn't previously told them about his BPD, and both of them weren't too surprised when they read about what BPD is, since they've both witnessed meltdowns of his. They've both been very supportive and have offered places to stay and help moving out, and I'm going out with them tonight for drinks.

I'm not sure how to handle mutual friends of my ex (god it feels strange calling him that) and myself. He's said he's OK with me telling people about his BPD, but I'm not sure whether that extends to them as well. I don't want to try to break up his friendship with any of our mutual friends, but I'm also mindful/nervous of him doing a smear campaign to try to make sure he gets those friends.

[Mutt]

He's being civil and calm, but I don't know how long that will last.

That's why I asked.

He doesn't care if you tell people if he has BPD or not. Is he helping himself in therapy? Does your STBX use it as an excuse for bad behavior? Some mutual friends may take one side or the other or some may be more objectionable and not side with either.

Do you think if it's STBX's disorder it may be a good idea to have him disclose it to mutual friends? You are wrapping things down.

Some and not all pwBPD will have a smear campaign.

[reticulatedsplin]

Yeah, I think if it's his disorder he should tell them. That said, if mutual friends ask why we're separating, should I just say "irreconcilable differences" or something? I feel like people will want to know more.

[Mutt]

Your family and friends may have their own feelings and it may be unpredictable. You can choose to say "irreconcilable differences" or you could say "I'd rather not say" or "I'd rather not talk about it right now". They may ask specific questions like "was it his drinking?" or "did he cheat?"

I think it's your choice to be explicit and or be explicit with not responding as well. It has to to be hard with what you are dealing with right now, I don't think there's a right or wrong and I whatever helps you with coping through very difficult days and take care of yourself.