Wash, Rinse, Repeat

[maxsterling]

She's starting a new job.  A teaching job.  More than a month before the school year starts.  She's anxious to get in her classroom and set it up.  But... .she called me today... .

1) Summer school is being taught in classroom.

2) Other teachers/principal on vacation

3) Last years stuff is still in room - "full of junk and clutter".

4) Other teacher near her room is annoying.

5) Nobody is there to help her.

I've heard this broken record before.   Reality?  She has plenty of time.  I'm sure her issues with the previous years' clutter will be solved.  An knowing her, I bet the clutter is not that bad, she is just using it as an excuse to be frustrated.   

So what it I do?  Validated that it stinks to inherit a room full of other people's stuff.  Validated that it's a shame nobody is at the school now to help her.  Then I mentioned she is just going to have to be patient, because there isn't much else she can do.  Her response?  That my reply did not help her calm down (not my job, anyway) and that my response made her feel more anxious   .  Then her complaint that she is hungry, does not want to go back out, no food in the house, and doesn't want to "forage around for stuff"  .  Somehow, we got disconnected.  I don't know if she hung up or the call was dropped.  Either way, I decided to switch my phone off for awhile and go back to work.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Wash, Rinse, Repeat... .

... .or get out of the bathroom so you don't get splashed, splattered, etc.

Fortunately all of this is your wife's job, and her issue. You don't have to fix it or make it better.

And you are doing a good job of figuring it out. Making sure she doesn't call you back for a while at work was a great idea!

[Verbena]

Teaching is incredibly stressful and a TON of work.  That is just a given.

Getting a classroom ready, especially when junk was left by a previous teacher, is also stressful and a lot of work.  Also a given.

I know you would like to see your wife succeed at this job and feel good about herself doing it.  That would be the ideal.  I do not see her keeping it together long enough to even start school in August, much less complete a one-year contract.

This school district has hired someone that they believe will teach and nurture children, manage/discipline them, and work with other teachers and administrators in a professional way.  What they've actually done is hired someone who is severely mentally ill, verbally and physically abusive, and recently suicidal.  

I realize they don't know this, but that is the reality.  

YOu've said that your wife has never been able to keep a job for very long.  It has to be demoralizing to her to fail over and over again.  I feel bad for her, but I feel worse for the children who will be in her classroom.  

I

[maxsterling]

Sleeping in the other room, with the light on, door locked, clothes on, keys in my pocket, and phone in my hand... .

[Surg_Bear]

Sleeping in the other room, with the light on, door locked, clothes on, keys in my pocket, and phone in my hand... .

I've been there- and I'm sorry that you have too.

Be strong, and true to yourself, Max.

Surg_Bear

[Daniell85]

That sounds really scary. Did something more happen after you guys got home?

Sorry  

[Grey Kitty]

Sleeping in the other room, with the light on, door locked, clothes on, keys in my pocket, and phone in my hand... .

Uhg.   

I was just commenting on another topic about how much better (more grounded) you sounded of late. This sounds like a fairly reasonable precaution, given the history.

How are you feeling about it in the morning?

I hope you made it through the night without incident, and are now feeling a bit more safe and peaceful at work

[maxsterling]

Yep, screaming at me the minute I got home from work.  I won't bother with details, because it's the same basic complaint - I can't fix her problems.  Eventually she screamed at me to stop cooking dinner for us and get out.  So I quickly left and went to an alanon meeting.  Still screaming at me when I got home, screamed until 11:30.  Screaming that I would not validate her version of reality.  Its not that I wouldn't, but instead tried to enforce a boundary that I would not engage in someone who was screaming at me.

So, I slept in the other room, door locked, clothes on, keys in my pocket.  Phone set to record audio and right next to me.  

Got a horrible nights sleep.  My ears hurt.  

[Cat Familiar]

I'm really sorry, Max. I know you're giving this relationship another shot, but do you think you can live like this the next month, year, five years, twenty years?

Time slips away while we're coping with the crazy and the longer you're in the relationship, the more entwined you become.

[Grey Kitty]

Sorry 'bout the bad night.

I know you've spent nights elsewhere for a while... .kinda in an "I'm taking a relationship break to re-think it" mode.

In this case, I'd suggest that any night you think you need to sleep that way would be a good time to sleep in another place, (also with a locked door), not hearing any screaming through the door.

Can you get some of your support team "on notice" that you may call them at 9pm asking to crash for the night when you drive over in 20 minutes, just so you get a decent night's sleep? With the intention of going to work the next morning, then going home to see what the temperature is with your wife, and stay with her if she is being reasonable instead of screaming at you?

[maxsterling]

Sorry 'bout the bad night.

I know you've spent nights elsewhere for a while... .kinda in an "I'm taking a relationship break to re-think it" mode.

In this case, I'd suggest that any night you think you need to sleep that way would be a good time to sleep in another place, (also with a locked door), not hearing any screaming through the door.

Can you get some of your support team "on notice" that you may call them at 9pm asking to crash for the night when you drive over in 20 minutes, just so you get a decent night's sleep? With the intention of going to work the next morning, then going home to see what the temperature is with your wife, and stay with her if she is being reasonable instead of screaming at you?

IDK what my plan is for today.  So far, my plan was to tell her I was leaving for work and wish her a nice day in the most polite way possible.  That was said through a closed bedroom door with no response.  Next step is to leave my phone off this morning, try and concentrate on my job and on myself.  I have an important meeting today and I need to be in the right mindset.  After the meeting, I may leave work and take time for myself.  As for tonight with her - IDK.

[Verbena]

What would have happened if you had called the police and told them she was screaming at you?  :)oes she have to hit you before they would be able to remove her?  It's your house after all.  Why should you keep having to leave?  

I agree with Cat Familiar.  YOu can't keep living like this.  Screaming at you for hours and forcing you to lock yourself in another room is no less abusive than smacking you around.  

Maybe she didn't answer you when you told her goodbye this morning because she was asleep.  I'm sure she was exhausted after  last night.  Meanwhile, she gets to rest up for another possible round tonight while you are exhausted but must still go to work and then come home to who knows what. 

[maxsterling]

What would have happened if you had called the police and told them she was screaming at you?  :)oes she have to hit you before they would be able to remove her?  It's your house after all.  Why should you keep having to leave?  

I could have the order of protection served, and she would be removed.  That doesn't mean she is arrested or charged with anything, even though the screaming at me is technically Disturbing the Peace.  Having the Order served would basically be the final decision on the Marriage, as it is a 1-year court-ordered NC.  I'm not sure I am ready for that yet.  But I do agree, I can't live with the screaming.  I see my options as either OOP or stronger boundary enforcement.

[Cat Familiar]

Max,

It pushes my buttons to hear about a nice person being physically and emotionally abused and having to cope with their partner's suicide threats because I've been there myself. Today would have been my wedding anniversary with my first husband, who as I've mentioned felt it was his right to yell at me, hit me, cheat on me, flagrantly spend our money foolishly and generally be an a-hole when he wasn't being a waif.

I spent nearly 20 years with him, thinking that if I loved him enough, that kind and gentle side that originally drew me in would reemerge and predominate. Didn't work. It took yet another violent episode for me to finally make the break and I've never regretted it for a minute.

I hope that in 20 years you can look back and be happy with the decisions you're making now.

[maxsterling]

I managed to eat a little something for lunch.  My appetite has been so poor lately, likely due to stress.  My ears are still ringing, more pronounced because there are few people at work today and less white noise. 

The best way I can describe my body right now is it feels like I just got back from a long river trip in 100 degree heat, drinking nothing but a case of beer along the way.  I feel that wiped out. 

[KateCat]

I hope that in 20 years you can look back and be happy with the decisions you're making now.

You may be getting there fast now.

Remember about 10 months ago when your wife was about to set up a different classroom? (Before quarrels with other teachers; parental complaints; forced administrative leave and eventual termination?) That time you were buying materials for her and helping her set up the classroom.

Not this time.

You are changing.

[maxsterling]

As much as I hate to say it, right now I agree with Verbena - her hanging on long enough to even begin this job... .just seems unlikely.   The reality is that last night was not about me.  At all.  It's about a culmination of events that really have nothing to do with me, and more to do with her inability to take care of herself.  I could have predicted this; I know the warning signs.  Distances herself from all "friends", with the possible exception of those who are toxic.  Quits going to AA meetings, and quits talking with her sponsor.  Tremendous anxiety over things that haven't even happened yet. 

We have a whole vacant area of our building.  I went up there a few minutes ago to try and meditate, close my eyes, and rest a bit.  And all I got were flashbacks of last night.  Every time I heard a noise, I thought it was her coming in to scream at me. 

[Verbena]

Max, as a teacher for 29 years I just know how unrealistic it would be to expect that you could start getting a classroom ready the last week of June and have anyone at the school there to help you with it.  This is just not the time for that.  I know your wife's anxiety will not allow her to think rationally about this. 

You are right that her rage of last night was not about you.  It never really is about you, but you are the closest target for her outbursts. 

I hope you can get some sleep tonight and that you can eat.  Your physical health is being greatly affected by your wife's mental illness.  Months ago I said she would not be content to just destroy herself but would take you down with her.  I see that happening more and more.  Please be safe. 

[maxsterling]

Well, I spent all day not hearing from her.  Good.  Then before I came home, I did the old, "check the temperature" text message just to see what I may be facing.  I asked her if she still wanted to go swimming (our previous plan for the evening).  She responded in an okay mood, so I came home and we went swimming.   MUCH calmer and almost no mention of the previous night.  Some possibly relevant information here:

- she said she had therapy earlier in the day, and her therapist suggested some kind of "workbook" that she and I can do together. 

- she started her period.

- she told me she likes cooking, but she hates cooking for men.  I think this says a ton about the way she views me and treats me, that I am up against someone who is basically sexist against men.

Today, I start a second job.  I'm happy about that.

[Cat Familiar]

The problem about tolerating physical and emotional abuse year after year is that it can get to a point where a passive person can finally snap. After a long time, I got there when I suddenly realized that my life was in danger, whether or not he intended to hurt me, he could have seriously injured or killed me.

After he assaulted me for the last time and chased me down the driveway one night, I slept in another room with a knife in my hand. At that point, if he were to come at me as I slept, I was armed and ready to do whatever it took to protect myself. Fortunately he didn't choose to assault me again that night, but these moments where a formerly passive person decides they will no longer be victimized can trigger events that land the victim of years of abuse in prison.

A woman in my community is an activist for domestic violence victims who have finally fought back against their aggressors and ultimately ended up imprisoned. Often the previous circumstances of abuse are given little weight in determining their sentences.

Fortunately for me I didn't act out violently, but I could have, and would have if he had attacked me again. Instead when I finally "snapped," I ended the marriage that night. He couldn't believe that I wouldn't just forgive him and that everything would get back to "normal" whatever that was in his mind. But I was done. It was over. Thankfully I didn't do anything that I would have had to pay for ultimately.

[maxsterling]

Cat - thanks.  yeah, I've thought about that.  My brother warned me of this, too.  He's also married to a pwBPD, and he told me that he never expected him to behave the way he behaved, but a decade of having his buttons pushed... .  I take that to mean he fought back, physically.  And my brother is about the calmest, most passive, non confrontational person you would ever meet.  His words really sank in, and I think about them every time I start to feel angry and resentful.  Half of my reason for taking  "timeout" from an abusive situation is to be away from the abuse, the other half is to keep myself from getting so wound up that I do something I regret.

This morning has been rough (again).  And again, I really don't think my wife's issues have to do with me.  She wanted to talk about money, AGAIN.  And again, within 5 minutes it was a one-sided affair with her cursing, name calling, and raising her voice and not letting me speak.  I tried one more time to calm the conversation, then I excused myself for a half hour walk.  She sent me a long, angry, abusive text message, which I immediately deleted and didn't read.  I'm starting a new part time job in 45 minutes.  I knew I need to eat something before I report, and I know I can't eat in a hostile environment.  I came home from my walk, she was still hostile, I said I am going to this job early, and left.

Boundary:  I will not remain in a place where I am being screamed at.

[Grey Kitty]

  excellent boundary enforcement.

Do it like that every time she starts screaming and/or cursing at you.

Or give her one sentence and say "I won't be spoken to that way." as you walk out of the room (or house)

She can scream if she wants. You don't have to be there and listen.

[Verbena]

Max, your comment about disturbing the peace made me think of something.  Do you live in an apartment complex or a house with neighbors nearby?  I was just wondering if her screaming has ever been heard by neighbors and if that has ever been an issue. 

[maxsterling]

Verbena, I am pretty sure neighbors have heard.  It's a house, but it's small enough that there are many houses nearby.  The other night as I went for a walk, I could hear her screaming about 5 houses away.  And that was with the doors or windows closed.  Just imagine what it would be like when she screams with the windows open.

Interesting about boundaries.  Despite yesterday's outburst, I came home, we cooked and ate dinner, and had a calm evening.  So maybe she is learning I am no longer going to put up with that.

[Grey Kitty]

Interesting about boundaries.  Despite yesterday's outburst, I came home, we cooked and ate dinner, and had a calm evening.  So maybe she is learning I am no longer going to put up with that.

If she is figuring it out, that is good. Or maybe you just got lucky.

The critical part is that YOU know you aren't going to put up with it.

[maxsterling]

Interesting - last night we watched a movie on TV that I was sure would be triggering.  I almost wanted to manage that so that we watched something else, but I stopped myself, knowing that is up to her whether to watch or not.  And it turned out okay.  Last night and this morning she wanted to cuddle.  More physical than she has wanted to be with me in a long time.  And considering this less than 12 hours after her screaming nasty insults at me, and me enforcing a boundary, I was a bit surprised. 

Later this morning, she was talking about the top she was swearing, and how she could still wear the top if she were to ever be pregnant, but that would only happen if there was some kind of "immaculate conception"... .     I wonder what kind of dig this was.  Maybe she wants me to make a move sexually... .yikes.  I need to be careful here, and really think about this boundary.  I think this may be another situation where she wants to have sex to "fix the relationship", and I need to be firm here and not send her the wrong message.  My boundary is that I don't want to have sex with someone who screams and hits me.  Until she addresses that and apologizes, I really think I best keep my hormones in check. 

[maxsterling]

Yikes.  Enforcing this "I won't be present for screaming" boundary is tough. 

I've already hung up on her twice today, and now all I can hear is ringing.  Every noise sounds like fingernails on the chalkboard.  Time to leave my phone off for awhile.

[Cat Familiar]

What is your plan if she doesn't stop when you get home?

[maxsterling]

What is your plan if she doesn't stop when you get home?

Go to friend's house.

[Verbena]

If she has damaged your hearing with her screaming--and you've only known her 2 years or so--I would think she would have damaged her own vocal chords by now.  I can't imagine how physically exhausting it would be to scream for hours on a regular basis.