Reviewing my journals

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Everyone,

Since breaking up with my BPDxbf for the 6th time, 2 weeks ago, I have been analysing patterns of rows and break-ups within our 10 month relationship. I've been reviewing and re-reading my journals and my transcripts of some of our text conversations. I noted that we have never had a period of calm that lasted more than two weeks and even during those periods of no arguing, I have been dissatisfied. Over the last 8 months, I have been consistently writing that I thought the relationship had no future, that I didn't want to be in it, BUT I didn't want to be the one to end it because I didn't want to hurt him and I felt guilty because I had told him that I loved him. This has been punctuated by entries saying how much I loved him! I am uncertain whether this is an intimacy issue or I am simply barmy.

That I have finally ended the relationship, is something to celebrate. I have had the courage to do it. That is a big achievement for me. I'm on day 11 of the breakup as I write. The complication is this: when caught off guard, my heart tells me that I love him. My head and heart are not in alignment. My head says it is simply not safe to love this man. My heart simply does. Why won't my heart do what it's told?

With my previous boyfriend, when I figured out who he reminded me of and released my grief (grief that I no longer have a relationship with a brother I loved greatly at one time), this released me from my attachment to that boyfriend too. With my current BPDxbf, I seem to be making no progress towards finding that connection with core pain that will finally release me from loving him against my better judgement. I must say, that the sooner I don't love him, the better as far as I'm concerned. I want to be free from pain. I want to be safe from the temptation to email him. I want to be free from that unhealthy love that was causing me such fear and panic. I want a positive and respectful, intimate relationship. Quite frankly, I want more.

So, here's my request to my Higher Self: please show me the connections that keep me locked to this unhealthy relationship and set me free.

Lifewriter

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Lifewriter,

Your heart will align, continue to be kind and patient. 

My heart has little slip ups here and there.

The longer I am without him, the better my heart comes into alignment.

I am finding my heart currently just hanging onto a few flimsy filaments... .not the strong connection that was months ago.

I am not certain why it is not 100% out yet... . 

As I move forward with self love desires of my heart... .this seems to be what works for me best at this moment.

~SF

[Lifewriter16]

Yes, Sunfl0wer, self-love.

Why I am so resistant to simply lavish my love on me, rather than someone else, beats me. If I lavished it on myself, I might not even need that someone else and I'd certainly feel happier. It would a be an excellent spiritual practice. I'm going to give it some serious consideration. I'm now on Day 17 without my BPDxbf and am still needing diversion from the pain. One day, I'll stop counting. Then I will know I've got there.

Love

Lifewriter

[Lucky Jim]

Over the last 8 months, I have been consistently writing that I thought the relationship had no future, that I didn't want to be in it, BUT I didn't want to be the one to end it because I didn't want to hurt him and I felt guilty because I had told him that I loved him.

Hey Lifewriter, That is a beautiful description, in a nutshell, of the quandary one finds oneself in while in a r/s with a pwBPD.  We know it won't last and deep down we don't really want the r/s to go on, yet we remain enmeshed due to fear of hurting the pwBPD and/or manipulation by some form of F-O-G.  In other words, we get STUCK, with no way to go forwards or backwards.

That you found the strength and courage to end the r/s is definitely something to celebrate!    

I agree w/Sunflower that self-love and self-acceptance are good places to start.  The goal, in my view, is to get to the point where you love yourself enough that you will never again get in an abusive, turbulent r/s with a pwBPD.  At least that's how I see it.

Hang in there!

LuckyJim

[Sunfl0wer]

Yes, Sunfl0wer, self-love.

Why I am so resistant to simply lavish my love on me, rather than someone else, beats me. If I lavished it on myself, I might not even need that someone else and I'd certainly feel happier. It would a be an excellent spiritual practice. I'm going to give it some serious consideration. I'm now on Day 17 without my BPDxbf and am still needing diversion from the pain. One day, I'll stop counting. Then I will know I've got there.

Love

Lifewriter

I'm right here with you on this one... .it is much easier for me to lavish love on another.

For now my plan is... . 

1) Get slightly out of my comfort zone, in self care. Experience small successes I can celebrate.

2) fake it for now... .until it feels comfortable to self love.

That's all I got for now... .  Seems plenty enough for me tho.