Just had to post it...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Anyone that has been on the board for long enough, knows that I have been around for some time and was very active. I still read almost everyday, but have refrained from posting simply because there are super stars on here.

I am not expecting any responses, but I needed to just get this off my chest and this is the only place that I can.

Two days ago, I am on a business call, on my cell (I work from home) and another call comes in. I pull the phone away, just to see who it is and it's my exBPDgf. It has essentially been three months since our two day recycle that I cut short. When I cut it short, I went off on her respectfully about her claiming to be such a straight shooter and how false that was and then asked to please never contact me again. I never expected to hear from her again and I didn't because no message was left.

I had deleted her as a contact but left it at that but oddly she popped up under a different name, in my phone. An odd thing by itself. The name her phone number was under was not even a name that I recognized and I know that I deleted that person too. I got a new phone after the recycle. All very strange and by that I don't mean to suggest, in any way shape or form, that there is any link. The name association with her number is irrelevant. But I was absolutely amazed to see her number in my caller ID. It sent a quick wave of anxiety through me but then I immediately calmed.

I keep thinking that it must have been an accidental butt dial but in the total 6 months since the b/u, before telling her to please never contact me again, she did reach out to me a few times and then the recycle, after the recycle, crickets which was I nicely asked for. I have not had another attempt or any other form of communication.

It was almost validation that I might still be on her mind, from time to time.

Anyway, as mentioned, I do not expect anyone to respond. I just wanted to get it off my chest. It makes me just a little bit sad, because man if I know that I still love her, the kind, sweet, vulnerable and genuine compassionate woman that I fell in love with, but not the woman that I never could really trust, the woman who viloently raged on me at least 8 times in our 4 year relationship, the last three resulting in the cops being called. Not the woman who found a replacement.

Just needed to get it out. If you took the time to read, thank you.

[LimboFL]

Anyone that has been on the board for long enough, knows that I have been around for some time and was very active. I still read almost everyday, but have refrained from posting simply because there are super stars on here.

I am not expecting any responses, but I needed to just get this off my chest and this is the only place that I can.

Two days ago, I am on a business call, on my cell (I work from home) and another call comes in. I pull the phone away, just to see who it is and it's my exBPDgf. It has essentially been three months since our two day recycle that I cut short. When I cut it short, I went off on her respectfully about her claiming to be such a straight shooter and how false that was and then asked to please never contact me again. I never expected to hear from her again and I didn't because no message was left.

I had deleted her as a contact but left it at that but oddly she popped up under a different name, in my phone. An odd thing by itself. The name her phone number was under was not even a name that I recognized and I know that I deleted that person too. I got a new phone after the recycle. All very strange and by that I don't mean to suggest, in any way shape or form, that there is any link. The name association with her number is irrelevant. But I was absolutely amazed to see her number in my caller ID. It sent a quick wave of anxiety through me but then I immediately calmed.

I keep thinking that it must have been an accidental butt dial but in the total 6 months since the b/u, before telling her to please never contact me again, she did reach out to me a few times and then the recycle, after the recycle, crickets which was I nicely asked for. I have not had another attempt or any other form of communication.

It was almost validation that I might still be on her mind, from time to time.

Anyway, as mentioned, I do not expect anyone to respond. I just wanted to get it off my chest. It makes me just a little bit sad, because man if I know that I still love her, the kind, sweet, vulnerable and genuine compassionate woman that I fell in love with, but not the woman that I never could really trust, the woman who viloently raged on me at least 8 times in our 4 year relationship, the last three resulting in the cops being called. Not the woman who found a replacement.

Just needed to get it out. If you took the time to read, thank you.

[Aussie0zborn]

I think you're underestimating us. I have no idea what you mean about the "superstars" on this forum.

You sound like she still has her thorns in you and you have been rattled by this. I would be checking your phone to see how a new contact can be added there without your knowledge.

So how do you feel your healing is coming along?

[going places]

It sent a quick wave of anxiety through me but then I immediately calmed.

I wonder when this "wave" disappears?

Or when it's just a "ripple" that you barely notice?

[lipstick]

Hi LimboFL,

Thank you for sharing your story. It does feel good to "unload" amongst those that understand!

My personal opinion is that a good majority of our exes never truly detach from us. They don't ever deal with the emotional fallout from their actions - therefore the feelings remain (just stuffed way, way down). So if it was her calling you, it's not surprising.

I think they truly don't understand what they did wrong. And since nothing is ever their fault - why would they?

I hate that cliche about "Living Well is the Best Revenge" - but it seems to be the case for most of us. I'm sure my ex feels frustration / anger / envy when he looks in on my Facebook world. When I choose to make a "Public" post, that is. My life is shaping up MUCH better than his. However, I bet he'll continue to look.

The attachment is too important for them to let go. Hey! They might "need" you again one day. Key word being "need".  I think of it now like a barnacle attached to the hull of a boat... .

[LimboFL]

Good morning Oz,

First, thank you very much for responding.

Before I offer a follow up, I thought it might be fun to note that I spent 20 years in South East Asia and have many very close friends down in your neck of the woods (useless factoid ) =)

I was extremely tired last night so was uncharacteristically lazy in the expansion of what was going on in my little pea brain. It has been sitting in the back of my mind, and needed to get it out.

"Superstars"? First and foremost, this term was used with the utmost respect. To expand, there are members, on this board, who have an expansive knowledge from which to draw and advise. I believe that I have been helpful to many, but because so many here offer far greater knowledge and understanding of BPD then I possess, I have refrained from contribution. The people on this site have been instrumental in my recovery and I will remain forever grateful to all of them.

I realize that this could have been perceived as sarcasm, it was absolutely not meant that way.

Her thorns are no longer in me. This doesn't mean that I don't still think of her or that there isn't a part of me that deeply misses her. I read some horror stories on this site and while she certainly inflicted a great deal of stress and anguish on me, there were moments of genuine love and a lot of tenderness. I have read your story Oz, to a degree, and my ex did not did not punish me as your exBPDgf did. The recycle was borne of a very real need on her part (dog that she spent 16 years with had a massive stroke and she does not have transportation) but she lied several times about things that I did not find acceptable, so I cut our recycle short and asked to please never contact me again. This request was both a blessing and a curse. I can never nor will I ever forgive her for what she did, but this doesn't erase the feeling of loss. R

Rest assured that it has, however, subsided dramatically. I have processed a great deal of anger, over the last months and a great deal of sorrow. She was too proud to ever mirror me and she was very high functioning, so there was a great deal of clarity, but also drinking and disregulation, along with periodic violent rages, a litany of insults, push pull, in short the whole 9 yards, but it stopped at vindictiveness. She is a genuinely kind person who gets hit with very strong waves of dis regulation. She suffered greatly as a child, which like with so many was a source of pain for us.

As mentioned, seeing her number on my caller ID caused several emotions. The first was surprise, followed by a very brief sense of nervousness and anxiety. I then felt a moment of calm and mild appreciation because the hardest part of it all is that you wonder if they ever think about you. So many write here that we, the ex partners, evaporate from their minds, like a four year loving relationship never happened. This is a very bitter pill to swallow, when so much was shared between two people. I have learned to take comments on the family with a grain of salt, because there is so much pain being expelled and so much for all of us to deal with, that often times words written on the screen are borne of anger and not reality. With that said, some here have every right to express and wish bloody and caustic vengeance for what they have been through. For all of my pain, in many cases it pales in comparison to what some members have been through. I remain grateful every day that I didn't go through what some have been through.

I have repeatedly been a proponent of the theory that, some of our partners, do love and miss us. This belief isn't founded on naivete but rather the fact that these are humans that have hearts. I saw plenty of heart with my ex. She was a Queen with waves of waif and moderate narcissism. She was racked with anxiety (very painful to watch someone you love suffer this) and while I haven't dug as deeply as I did on BPD, there were definitely histrionic traits, as well. But she was not fake. She did use personas from time to time, but she was too tired by life to spend a great deal of effort not being the person she is inside.

As mentioned she is caustically proud and fiercely independent, so I never expected to hear from her again. These traits are very likely why no message was left. Seeing her number did give me a soft sense of relief, it told me that she clearly does think of me still, that I mattered. Maybe she bucked up the courage to call but as I didn't answer panicked and pulled back. I don't know.

To put things in reverse for a moment. One immense guilt that I have is that I walked away from the recycle when her dog, a pup that I also loved deeply and with whom I had a tremendously strong bond, had just had a massive stroke. I did take her to the vet and did pay that bill (to give you some idea of my ex, while the true love of her life and companion (her pup) had taken a massive blow, my ex was very diligent that no unnecessary treatment be applied because she knew I would be paying and didn't want me to take a monstrous hit, financially). In short, I left at a very difficult time and do not know if or when this animal that I loved so dearly has passed. It almost makes me deeply ashamed but I know that I did so much for this beautiful dog that followed me everywhere and I had to save myself. There was simply too much pain and my life would gone right back to where it was before, where I would be devoted to spending time with the pup, in spurts between my own work, while she was at work and my functioning as driver to take her back and forth to work, while also spending money that I just didn't and still don't have, as I continue to try to dig myself out of a massive hole (not her doing but constant expenses during the relationship, of which I bore the brunt, while also fending off an ex wife with genuine expectations that I contribute to the very expected increasing expenses of my beautiful teenage son).  

I was dramatically relieved that I made the decision that I did. I never fully trusted her (and for good reason). I don't believe that she ever cheated on me, but she most definitely toyed with orbiters from her past and present to feed her ego and I felt it throughout the relationship, with a couple of brief emotional affairs that I put a stop to. Her relationship with my son was very tense, although she fought very hard to keep this in check. Anyway, I am rambling. My point is that, the breakaway, while an absolute necessity did not happen without very difficult emotions of loss and severe guilt for having left at such a genuinely difficult and emotional time for her.

So maybe I need to rethink my response about the thorns, but I do have to remove the term thorns and replace them with hands. I loved/love her deeply and there were a great many things that we had in common (not mirroring but rather very real interests in common (she had tangible items collected from the past that you can't fake, books, CD's, etc). While seeing her number did briefly take me aback, I am actually pleased that it happened. I was not sure if our four years together had just gone up in a puff of easy smoke for her. That maybe I needed to heed the words of so many here that they forget about us, that they only ever reach out when they need us, that beyond this there are no feelings of love or longing for the person with whom they spent a good chunk of their lives sleeping with, holding and kissing. Did I matter? Was I a nothing in her life?

Going places... .this was a ripple but only because there was no direct contact. Even If I had not have been on the phone with a client, I would not have answered. I am relieved that she didn't leave a message. Since the b/u a very big part of me has been envious of those who have had their ex's "chase", even though I recognize the hypocrisy of asking her never to contact me, while also wishing to at least have some sign that she thinks of me and possibly misses me. It isn't something I would act on but that doesn't change the desire to have confirmation that I was important to her. Many here have been on much longer and much more painful journeys, than I, but four years (under the same roof, something that I was thrust on me) is a good chunk of ones life.

It all depends where you are goingplaces, in your own journey. I vacillated constantly between incredible sorrow, to internal anger and then back to sorrow, contemplation and so on, for the entire 6 months. The first three, while I forced myself to move on, were spent knowing that leaving her was the right move, but hoping for a reconciliation (very deep in my core) to (after brief recycle) knowing that it was truly over, that there was no looking back. It was after the recycle that my heart caved in. I knew that I had to go NC forever, that there was no looking back. In a way it was kind of like driving away, while seeing several people you loved deeply in your rear view mirror slowly being engulfed by the dust that you kicked off while moving forward and knowing that you would never see them ever again. It was excruciatingly painful.

As has been the case for so many here, while I still think of her everyday, I really was at the point where I was no longer felt any attachment whatsoever, and this remains the case despite seeing her number on my caller ID. So I have and will ride a tiny wave that is mixed with some pacification in that I clearly am still a thought in her mind and some gentle sadness about the loss of what could have been if not for BPD.

As always, I am truly grateful to my BPD family for allowing me the space to write. I am deeply sorry if my use of the term "superstars" might have given the impression of sarcasm. Anyone who has engaged with me here, knows that I genuinely care and am deeply grateful for everyone that has taken the time to respond or engage with me.

Over and out for now.  

[LimboFL]

Thank you Lipstick for taking the time to respond. It was definitely her number. 4 years with someone... .even though we with address books etc, if I were lost in the woods and found a working cell phone, I wouldn't be able to call a single person I know by recalling their phone number. I needed to confirm, so I check a hard copy master list of contacts I made a year or so ago and sure enough. I recognized the last four digits though.

Before I go... .for all of the emotions we endure, which makes it understandable, I do believe that, in our anger, we all tend towards calling any form of communication from our ex's as a simple sign of need. In a way this is likely true but if we really break it down, yearning for the one whom you have loved before and wanting to connect with them, is nothing more than a "need" or desire. Their desire to reconnect with us, that need is no different than ours. Please don't see my expansion on my beliefs about this as a retort to your comment, because this is not my intention at all. I consistently read advice that states that one should never "need" their partner, that this is unhealthy but the word need is so nuanced. The only things that we really need are air, water and sustenance. So, in the matters of the heart, might their need to reconnect not actually be honorable but chaotic in the same way as their emotions were during the relationship?

Whenever my ex would be away for a spell, the reunion would be a somewhat hard landing and she would always say " I always have a difficult re-entry (as in shuttle analogy). This eludes to nervousness and anxiety. My ex and most of the ex's I read about here are plagued with anxiety. I suffered very briefly (not in her time) with this and it is debilitating. Might this anxiety not play a significant role in how they communicate and react, after a relationship has ended and time has passed. Might they not desperately want to reach out but don't know how to or what to do if they do get us communicating and then run away because of the shame.

This term "toy" is a familiar word on this site, but at least with those of us who were in long term relationships, might it not be that they truly do want to reconnect and to hold that bond because we mattered so much? but because the surge of emotions is so abrupt and almost violent that they just don't know how to manage that?

Again, I fall into the camp where, despite very complex and often unfair events happened in my relationship, i did not face fire and brimstone. There were moments of kindness, sweetness and connection. My previous post speaks to this in more detail. In other words, I have no doubt that there are BPD's who are absolutely selfish and stone cold. We all see people like this all over the place, in government etc. Maybe they all have PD's, but then we also see selfless, caring and loving humans all over the place to. I believe that disorder or not, we all see total variety in the world that we live in and I believe that it is no different in the world of PD's. Some have huge hearts and others don't. Some lived difficult childhoods with very complex emotional consequences that hurt them deeply and others faced tremendous violence, sexual predators and who knows what else. I know that this impacts each human being differently.

If my ex had left a message asking for something, if she had been callous, as some are, then I might have classified it as "need". She didn't so there was no benefit.

Again, please don't see my addressing the question of "need" as a rebuttal to your comment. I believe that it dehumanizes our partners by saying that their wish to reconnect with us is need that is in anyway different than the same needs that we non's feel. I read it every day here, so many missing their partners, the need to know that they cared, the need to somehow remain in touch, the need to be with them again. We forget that, while they may have burned the house down, maybe they need the same things that we do, maybe they miss and long, maybe they wonder after we go NC, if we ever think of them. I am not sure if their need is so different from ours.