Getting over the acts of compassion

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

     This is my first post on the forums. I've been lurking for a while and decided that it's time I contribute. It's been a week since the finality of my 19 month on-off relationship with my BPDex hit me. We were supposed to be working things out and were texting daily when I found out that she already was already in another relationship as per her Facebook page.

    My ex is 19 (as am I) and was diagnosed as bi-polar around age 14 or 15. She opened up to me about being in two psych wards growing up. She told me after a month or so of dating that during her most recent stay, a psychologist suggested she may have BPD. I don't know if there was an official diagnosis given or not but she did tell me she was given handouts about the disorder to read about. If anyone knows if that normally means a diagnosis was given I would appreciate the info.

    I've come across multiple posts in which people say things to the effect of "My BPD ex never seemed to care about me." Claims like their ex doesn't even remember their birthday or would accidentally call them by an ex's name or that their ex never comforted them in times of need or bought them gifts. I guess you could say that my BPDex was the opposite. About three or four months into the relationship she bought me an engraved ring with most of her savings which said "I will love you forever" on the outside and "You are my everything" in french on the inside. Previous to that she had given me her uncle's ring which seemed to have a lot of sentimental value to her. Sadly, I lost that one while at work one day. My BPDex spent days making me handwoven bracelets as well. She went above and beyond on my birthdays and holidays. She bought me a picture frame that she presented to me with pictures of us inside (that would later get broken during a fight). She decorated a "memory box" for the two of us which was a place where we could put our intimate notes, receipts from things we did, ect. She would draw me pictures, make my bed, clean my room, make me breakfast. The whole nine yards. If I was down, she would comfort me and stay with me until I felt better. One time, we decided to take a short break and the next day she had sex with one of my acquaintances. She tried to rub this in my face during a rage but later convinced me that she just made that up to hurt me. I found out that it did in fact happen and confronted her. Initially, she minimized her wrongdoing and tried to rationalize it by saying that she thought that I was done with her for good (we were talking normally right before and after she did it). Basically, she initially tried to blame it on me for "abandoning" her. Shortly after, she dropped everything and came over. She cried with me and owned up to everything while promising to make it up to me.

    I felt so loved and I felt like the proof was all right in front of me. I thought I had met the most wonderful and genuine person in the world. Although the bad times and emotional/verbal abuse increased over time, I still hold on to those items and ideas. I find it so hard to let go of them. I haven't been able to bring myself to throw away the memory box. Maybe it's harder for me because she was my first LTR and first real love. I'm curious if others have experienced this kind of compassion from their former BPD partners. Thank you for reading.

[introvert]

     This is my first post on the forums. I've been lurking for a while and decided that it's time I contribute. It's been a week since the finality of my 19 month on-off relationship with my BPDex hit me. We were supposed to be working things out and were texting daily when I found out that she already was already in another relationship as per her Facebook page.

    My ex is 19 (as am I) and was diagnosed as bi-polar around age 14 or 15. She opened up to me about being in two psych wards growing up. She told me after a month or so of dating that during her most recent stay, a psychologist suggested she may have BPD. I don't know if there was an official diagnosis given or not but she did tell me she was given handouts about the disorder to read about. If anyone knows if that normally means a diagnosis was given I would appreciate the info.

    I've come across multiple posts in which people say things to the effect of "My BPD ex never seemed to care about me." Claims like their ex doesn't even remember their birthday or would accidentally call them by an ex's name or that their ex never comforted them in times of need or bought them gifts. I guess you could say that my BPDex was the opposite. About three or four months into the relationship she bought me an engraved ring with most of her savings which said "I will love you forever" on the outside and "You are my everything" in french on the inside. Previous to that she had given me her uncle's ring which seemed to have a lot of sentimental value to her. Sadly, I lost that one while at work one day. My BPDex spent days making me handwoven bracelets as well. She went above and beyond on my birthdays and holidays. She bought me a picture frame that she presented to me with pictures of us inside (that would later get broken during a fight). She decorated a "memory box" for the two of us which was a place where we could put our intimate notes, receipts from things we did, ect. She would draw me pictures, make my bed, clean my room, make me breakfast. The whole nine yards. If I was down, she would comfort me and stay with me until I felt better. One time, we decided to take a short break and the next day she had sex with one of my acquaintances. She tried to rub this in my face during a rage but later convinced me that she just made that up to hurt me. I found out that it did in fact happen and confronted her. Initially, she minimized her wrongdoing and tried to rationalize it by saying that she thought that I was done with her for good (we were talking normally right before and after she did it). Basically, she initially tried to blame it on me for "abandoning" her. Shortly after, she dropped everything and came over. She cried with me and owned up to everything while promising to make it up to me.

    I felt so loved and I felt like the proof was all right in front of me. I thought I had met the most wonderful and genuine person in the world. Although the bad times and emotional/verbal abuse increased over time, I still hold on to those items and ideas. I find it so hard to let go of them. I haven't been able to bring myself to throw away the memory box. Maybe it's harder for me because she was my first LTR and first real love. I'm curious if others have experienced this kind of compassion from their former BPD partners. Thank you for reading.

[once removed]

hey introvert, and welcome to bpdfamily.

im an introvert too! youre in good company!

but seriously, youre in very good company. many members here can sympathize and empathize with exactly what youve been through. i understand youve read some things, but these relationships vary probably as much as any other; my experience was similar to yours. my ex was a fantastic gift giver and a bit of a care taker. and i mean, one of the best give givers ive ever met.

it may be useful for you to know, that taking a break may be, as youve seen, perceived as abandonment by a pwBPD. that doesnt mean you intended it, or that it meets reality. my intentions were frequently not my uBPDexes reality. cheating is extremely tough stuff, and im sorry you went through that   

this link may be very useful to you in terms of understanding BPD behaviors; this forum offers a lot of lessons and resources that may be useful to you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0

as for the subject of your post, and disposing of the relationship memorabilia: i didnt. i kept every bit of it except stuff like toiletries and clothes, stuff that didnt need to be kept and wasnt part of the relationship. all the letters, conversations, and memories, i kept, but i put them away. this is a very personal decision. some feel that it is best for them to dispose of it all; i, and others, did not. to me, theres no point in dismissing our exes compassion, gifts, or the fact that they were very good gift givers. these relationships werent black and white; they werent all good or all bad.