My twin sister has diagnosis of BPD for years

[Depression = 72% of members]

We are near 50 years old and I am exhausted with her antics. Although We are identical twins we could nt be more different and have never gotten along well. She beat me up as kids we'll into early 20's, until I moved away. We haven't  ever been close because I find her so difficult to be around. She still picks verbal fights , but I usually don't take the bait.

I know that she will prob never get better since she refuses to get mental health care. She takes entirely too many prescription meds for various ailments , hasn't worked since her late 20's and is on disability for her mental illness. Currently she lives with our mother, mug our mother won't live forever and then what will happen to my sister? She has said in the past that she would commit suicide. 

Help!

[Twinsister]

We are near 50 years old and I am exhausted with her antics. Although We are identical twins we could nt be more different and have never gotten along well. She beat me up as kids we'll into early 20's, until I moved away. We haven't  ever been close because I find her so difficult to be around. She still picks verbal fights , but I usually don't take the bait.

I know that she will prob never get better since she refuses to get mental health care. She takes entirely too many prescription meds for various ailments , hasn't worked since her late 20's and is on disability for her mental illness. Currently she lives with our mother, mug our mother won't live forever and then what will happen to my sister? She has said in the past that she would commit suicide. 

Help!

[HappyChappy]

My heart goes out to you Twinsister, it is scary when a loved one threatens suicide. But you’ve come to the right place for help and support, this website has helped me immensely.

A BPD needs daily narcisstic supply, so I’m guessing you’re worried your twin will latch onto you once your mom has gone ? The truth is you can say no to that. Have you considered helping her find narcisstic supply elsewhere ? The theory suggest they don’t really care where the supply comes from. If you post the things that worry you on this board, you’ll probably get lot of “yes that happened to me too”. Welcome to the family.

[Kwamina]

Hi Twinsister

Welcome to our online community  I am sorry to hear you've had such a difficult relationship with your sister. You say she has had a BPD diagnosis for years. She refuses to get mental health care now but when she got diagnosed, did she then get any targeted treatment for her BPD? Do you feel that your sister acknowledges and understands her BPD diagnosis?

BPD is a difficult disorder and dealing with a relative with BPD can take quite a toll on you so I understand why you might feel exhausted by your sister's behavior. Your sister currently lives with your mother, how would you describe the relationship between the two of them?

Hearing a family-member threaten suicide is very unpleasant. It's an unfortunate reality of BPD that certain people with this disorder make these kinds of threats. When did your sister say that she would commit suicide and what were the circumstances surrounding these statements? Did something in particular happen when she said this?

I am glad you are reaching out for support here. Many of our members know what it's like to have a BPD sibling and will be able to relate to you. I think you can also greatly benefit from reading their stories.

Take care

[Twinsister]

I can give more details about my twin sister. She was a rebellious teen and attempted suicide by swallowing pills and was sent to ER, who treated her and sent her home to my mother with referral to counseling.  She refused to go . Many bad relationships and one child later she moved in with our grandmother , she was 24years old . Our grandmother pretty much raised her son . She had a couple of boyfriends that ended with her physically attacking them and she would end up in a crisis and being hospitalized d/t suicide thoughts. She would get out and attend therapy but not for long. She held jobs here and there but none for long. 5 years ago she went to our mothers house to help her after mother had surfer and never left.  Mom said she could stay only if she attended counseling and took meds for depression.  She did comply for about 4 months , even received  around 6 treatments of electric shock therapy.   But then she complained about the staff treating her badly  and quit going. She complained that  therapy was dredging up old memories and she was too anxious and she quit. Our mom was pretty exhausted with it all, as my sister would relay daily every detail of her treatment and any discomfort (of which there were many).  She has  diagnosis of major depression , anxiety, agoraphobia, PTSD, BPD and at one point bipolar.  Our mother has health issues and takes care of stepfather with dementia and has no time or energy to deal with sister. Their relationship is tension filled and sister acts more like a teen with her. She is angry and talks to our mother badly and even gets in he'd face sometimes to yell.        Sorry , it's a long history.    The last hospitalization was 2 years ago around Christmas holidays and she was asked by the therapist what would she do if she was forced to be living on her own, what if our mother was no longer there to take care of her and she replied she would kill herself. She also stated she could never live on her own .

[Twinsister]

A couple more details.   Her son is grown now and has very little to do with her, he is angry at her for the way she treated him growing up. She  neglected him , beat him .  None of the rest of our family would ever consider letting her live with them , including me.   I just can't even consider it. I have a husband and children and I think she would tear my family apart. We don't talk to each other except at family get togethers.  I have so much resentment towards her  over the way she treated me growing up ,the way she abused her son , the way she treats our mother now.  She stays in bed for weeks, not even bathing for a week at a time , never cleans up after herself and doesn't help our mother with anything.  We have a younger sister and they are not close either and younger sister would never consider letting my twin live with her.  So I am worried that when our mother dies , she will then commit suicide since she has nowhere to go.   That thought scares me and fills me with guilt.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Twinsister

Thanks for providing this extra background information.

So I am worried that when our mother dies , she will then commit suicide since she has nowhere to go.   That thought scares me and fills me with guilt.

Considering your sister's behavior, I definitely understand your concerns. Unfortunately you can't control what she does or doesn't do. The only thing you can control is your own behavior. You also can't know for certain what will happen in the future. There are various scenarios that could play out and this is just one of them. Perhaps it can help you to keep this in mind when these thoughts come in your mind. Just dealing with the present already requires a lot of energy and attention. We have a workshop here about mindfulness that might help you stay in the present: Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

[HappyChappy]

Hi Twinsister, I would just echo Kwamina advice on mindfullness. It's helped me. Best of luck.

[Twinsister]

Thank you both. Your advice is so simple but I can see how effective being mindful will be . I will definitely put it into practice and I feel better already!

[Panda39]

Hi Twinsister, 

Understanding that you can only truly control yourself and you can't control the actions of someone else is absolutely true.

I also wanted to add what my SO's mom told him when he was concerned about his uBPDxw's living situation (not so much about her but about her caring for their kids)

She told him that "she was like a cat and always lands on her feet" and in her case that has been absolutely true.

She was evicted... .stayed with a friend... .found a new place to live... .was evicted... .moved in with her sister... .found a new place to live... .got evicted... .stayed with a friend... .moved into a hotel... .

Unstable yes but always lands on her feet. 

You've dealt with this your whole life it is okay to let go and live yours. Some of the Christian folks here have a saying that I like and it is Let Go and Let God. 

Wishing you well,

Panda39