Breaking NC - A Valuable Lesson

[WhatJustHappened?]

So after a month of NC, my exBPDgf calls me and leaves a message on Friday. My voicemail cut her off. I took this as an opportunity to finally tell her that we are through. Backstory: I stopped all contact after I found out about the lying. We were in a LD relationship.

I texted her Friday evening, "are you available to talk?". No answer. I wait until the next day, called her and left her a short, calm message. "I would have preferred to have talked to you but since you're not answering the phone, I wanted you to know that I know you've been lying to me which is why I have not been in contact. Obviously, thing are done between us. All the best".

Then the texts start. They were not pleasant. They continue for a day or so until today. I get another call/message from her. I called her back - she would not answer her cell or home. I leave another message, "I respectfully ask that you please stop contacting me, there's nothing left to discuss".

I then get this text, "Man, what a mistake! Get over it WJH. We didn't work out. Leave me alone. Stop being a stalker. You're scaring me and you should stop. You're making a very big deal out of nothing".

Lesson: Don't break NC or if you do for your own benefit (like getting some sort of closure in your mind) keep it short and then stop. Don't get into a day or two back and fourth as that can backfire like it did with me. Now I am being portrayed as the aggressor and she the victim. It's a good thing I kept the messages and texts.

Is her response a form of gaslighting or twisting? I know it solidifies that 'crazy' element for me.

Even after all of this, I still feel like I got some closure and am glad I spoke my mind. Still wasn't the best move when thinking about it logically.

[rotiroti]

Despite the twisting of words and situation on her part, I'm really glad that you were able to get some closure (which many members long for!).


Thank you for sharing this, I am about a month into n/c and am really tempted to reply to her VM/emails/letters. It wouldn't accomplish anything for me if I were to slip

[fromheeltoheal]

She said

You're making a very big deal out of nothing

.  It's obviously a big deal for you because you're here talking about it.  We could talk about the reasons and tools a borderline uses to move on, but beyond that it's obvious there's a huge gap between you emotionally, which may just be here now, or might have been there for most or all of the relationship?

Moving forward, you've now experienced what happens when we've gone from being the soother to being the trigger, and you do say you've gotten some closure, and what else is different now What, and what did you learn from the exchange?

[Invictus01]

Just for the hell of it, what was her message about?

[WhatJustHappened?]

She said You're making a very big deal out of nothing.  It's obviously a big deal for you because you're here talking about it.  We could talk about the reasons and tools a borderline uses to move on, but beyond that it's obvious there's a huge gap between you emotionally, which may just be here now, or might have been there for most or all of the relationship?

Moving forward, you've now experienced what happens when we've gone from being the soother to being the trigger, and you do say you've gotten some closure, and what else is different now What, and what did you learn from the exchange?

Hard to say... .I think she's hurt and is trying to minimize what I meant to her while giving the image that I am the extreme one. That's my opinion. Or it could very well be the truth and that for her this was just "par for the course". Who knows?

I learned from this exchange is that she is not well for starters. It confirms everything I thought was going on with her for me. But I also learned that you need to think a step or two ahead of the BPD and also try to think like they do when it comes to any contact. It feels like she set me up to say what she did at the end which made her into the victim. She kept badgering me until she got a response which set up the ending perfectly while confirming her ability to push my buttons.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Just for the hell of it, what was her message about?

Along of lines of how I am a rat and that I would not discuss what lies I found... .how this was a big mistake... .then my vm hung up on her. Oops!

[fromheeltoheal]

She said

You're making a very big deal out of nothing

.  It's obviously a big deal for you because you're here talking about it.  We could talk about the reasons and tools a borderline uses to move on, but beyond that it's obvious there's a huge gap between you emotionally, which may just be here now, or might have been there for most or all of the relationship?

Moving forward, you've now experienced what happens when we've gone from being the soother to being the trigger, and you do say you've gotten some closure, and what else is different now What, and what did you learn from the exchange?

Hard to say... .I think she's hurt and is trying to minimize what I meant to her while giving the image that I am the extreme one. That's my opinion. Or it could very well be the truth and that for her this was just "par for the course". Who knows?

I learned from this exchange is that she is not well for starters. It confirms everything I thought was going on with her for me. But I also learned that you need to think a step or two ahead of the BPD and also try to think like they do when it comes to any contact. It feels like she set me up to say what she did at the end which made her into the victim. She kept badgering me until she got a response which set up the ending perfectly while confirming her ability to push my buttons.

Lots of 'shes' and 'hers' in your response.  If you were going to shift the focus a little, from her to you, what did you learn about you and where you are with your detachment?

[WhatJustHappened?]

I learned that while I allowed myself to be sucked in for a moment, I was able to pull myself back out once I realized what was happening. I also learned that I need to stay vigilant about responding to "button-pushing". I also learned that while this hurts (not being together) the more time we're apart, the easier things are getting insofar as feeling heartbroken and/or regretful. Time does help.

Invictus... .oh, she also said I had a real anger problem. She has said that a lot before when we were together which is ironic because she was the one with a wicked temper.

[Invictus01]

Invictus... .oh, she also said I had a real anger problem. She has said that a lot before when we were together which is ironic because she was the one with a wicked temper.

I think all this crap makes it THAT much easier to walk away. Kinda surprised she would come back with all this after a month though.

[blissful_camper]

"I then get this text, "Man, what a mistake! Get over it WJH. We didn't work out. Leave me alone. Stop being a stalker. You're scaring me and you should stop. You're making a very big deal out of nothing".

I don't know what else to add to what's already been said. I'm happy to hear that you were able to move yourself out of the exchange. 

What was written in the text to you isn't mature communication. I see minimizing, a dash of projection, among other things. Please don't take it personally. It's the disorder speaking. 

[oletimefeelin]

If there's a lesson to be learned here it's in you asking her if she's available to talk.  Just call.

The asking for permission gets so ingrained.  I have been there.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Sorry to re-hash this again but for some reason, my exBPD's last text listed above is really bothering me. I understand the minimizing aspect and twisting to make her into the victim and try to re-gain control after I repeatedly tried to communicate to her to please stop contacting me. It just seems extra harsh, immature and dismissive. I know others have said the same.

I ran across this text again on my phone and just got upset even though I know that it show the irrational behavior and such. Normal relationships don't end like this but it's not normal. I also know that it was designed to hurt me.

Any other thoughts?

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry to re-hash this again but for some reason, my exBPD's last text listed above is really bothering me. I understand the minimizing aspect and twisting to make her into the victim and try to re-gain control after I repeatedly tried to communicate to her to please stop contacting me. It just seems extra harsh, immature and dismissive. I know others have said the same.

I ran across this text again on my phone and just got upset even though I know that it show the irrational behavior and such. Normal relationships don't end like this but it's not normal. I also know that it was designed to hurt me.

Any other thoughts?

I also know that it was designed to hurt me.

Whether it was or wasn't designed to hurt you, it did hurt you, so there are two possible ways to deal with that moving forward.  One, get it off your phone and do what you have to do to not ever get one of those again, from a place of remove things that hurt you from your life.  And the other, keep exposing yourself to things that hurt you until they no longer hurt, you become desensitized.  Neither one is the 'right' one, it's whatever works for you.

And also, there's what happens and what we make it mean.  The text hurt you because what she thinks still matters to you, and that's useful information, if you look at it from a slightly detached place of OK, that happened, how can I use this moving forward?  What do I need to do differently?  What's good about this?  The only wasted pain is the pain we don't use.