Oh Boy

[Aussie JJ]

For all of those that have had accusations against them I think I now understand... .

Received list of complaints so to speak today, how unfit a parent I must be.  How much actual events get twisted around. 

AJJ. 

[livednlearned]

Hi AussieJJ,

Sorry, just seeing this now. Yes, seeing things in print can be a real kick in the gut.

Did you receive these accusations in the divorce complaint? Are they allegations that are serious? Most allegations have a kernel of truth. If you do find yourself in a position to correct the allegation, it's best to say, "These allegations are false." Instead of, "While it is true that I did xyz, I did not do abc, and there is no way ex could blah blah blah."

It's either true, or not true. If the allegation is 80% true, but still not entirely true, then it's false. My L taught me that 

How are you holding up otherwise?

[Aussie JJ]

I am ok,

My son is ok.  I have gone off and basically in the last 6 months gone.  Bugger it I am going to do what is best for me by my moral compass and stuff the consequences. 

Tried the mediation route one last time 5 months ago, a total waste of time, 3rd failure where it was "my fault".  Put the court stuff in order and with the house sold put a big lump sum in the lawyers account, re mortgaged my other house and put more into his account... . 

The solicitor thinks I am being overly prepared and says there is more benefit from just getting it on however the extra 3 months allowed me to re organise finances to also go to a lower paying job and give me more free time, more of a life. 

Went to court she didn't show but had representation there that basically said she hadn't had enough notice, only organised the day before etc. 

It got delayed and then the next one 3 weeks later she just didn't rock up.  Since then I am getting the cold shoulder on everything and just letting it go.  Then she tried to talk to me at the Police station and I went back to, via e-mail.  Not talking to you etc etc... .

Next drop off she again tried to talk to me and I walked to the Police counter, pulled out her restraining order and said, I am being put in a situation where I have to break this and our son is being exposed to this atmosphere can you please advise exBPD and sons mother that this is an exchange nothing else she is breaking her own restraining order by talking to me.  This is being dealt with in the family court process and she hasn't shown up to the last 2 hearings, if she has anything to say that is the appropriate forum. 

Well 3 days later she puts all her paperwork in and we got a copy.  It's like she went off triggered as I had a boundary in place and has made me out to be a child molester.  It doesn't add up as I am still seeing my son if these concerns are genuine etc.  It just shakes me to the core. 

What is next, I really wasn't ready for this level of hatred. 

To top it off, her sister is back in town (She told me her sister had BPD when we were together, I have some documentation of this, not specifically BPD but describing her mental health stuff)  Her sister is also a Child psychologist (registers and practices in California, at that :S), I can see how she has basically written her complaint etc.  It is so well organised and basically the slander is semi believable.  My solicitor says let it go, in the long run it will actually assist us for her to be acting like this and expressing these thoughts with her sister and family backing her up.  If she writes it she has to explain it.  She has to prove this, all I have to d is prove BPD and the other behaviours, she cant hide from that as its recorded. 

One thing I have been told to do is basically the JADE thing, none of that, mention nothing.  He had another client that just won 5 and 6 days a week, more importantly was able to move his kids back to a local school.  He used JADE questions to bait this clients ex partner on the stand, said don't let her know anything, don't argue, don't get her ready and let him to it not me. 

He has also said always provide a solution even if it isn't ideal for you make sure I am able to explain how it is in our sons benfifit. 

I am happy with the solicitor, he is really just ploughing ahead now and has made sure I know how to not spend money on him, yesterday he spent 30 minuets telling me how to prepare paperwork for him and what he finds important etc so that he doesn't have to organise it.  This sounds weird however he wants me to organise it differently to how I had organised it, everything has to be going towards our son and providing solutions.  Nothing to attack ex-partner, let her do it to herself or use professionals to undermine her with him questioning decisions. 

Apparently local courts put a huge amount of weight in solutions and not attacking the ex partner.  So I am not to attack back just let her do it. 

I honestly don't have the stomach for a fight with someone willing to go to these lengths so i am happy with that course of action. 

Sorry checking in a lot less frequently at present. 

AJJ. 

[enlighten me]

Hi AJJ

Ive just received a letter from my ex wife which has left me realing aswell.

My sons finarlly had enough of their mum and step dad and have come to live with me. They are refusing to communicate with her and she is losing it. Ive been accussed of neglecting them for a year when I was with uBPD exgf. There were two weekends I didnt have them but not the twelve months of not seeing them I have been accussed of. I was also accussed of forcing her to move as I wouldnt financially support her while she was taking me to the cleaners. Even though I was still paying her rent and bills and cleared all her debt. It is a jike. Its her twisted version of reality so im not taking it personally.

[livednlearned]

He has also said always provide a solution even if it isn't ideal for you make sure I am able to explain how it is in our sons benfifit.

My L recommended the same thing and it worked out really well -- N/BPDx is a former trial lawyer and he came in with nothing but complaints about me, thinly veiled as though his concerns were about S14. Meanwhile, we came in with reasonable solutions, and the judge ruled with us every single time since there were no other solutions on the table. I think even so-called high-functioning BPD is still pretty low-functioning when it comes to problem-solving. 

I am happy with the solicitor, he is really just ploughing ahead now and has made sure I know how to not spend money on him, yesterday he spent 30 minuets telling me how to prepare paperwork for him and what he finds important etc so that he doesn't have to organise it.  This sounds weird however he wants me to organise it differently to how I had organised it, everything has to be going towards our son and providing solutions.  Nothing to attack ex-partner, let her do it to herself or use professionals to undermine her with him questioning decisions. 

Apparently local courts put a huge amount of weight in solutions and not attacking the ex partner.  So I am not to attack back just let her do it.

 

This was also recommended by my L. I saved close to $3000 putting together my own evidence binder in preparation for the deposition.

I live in a state where it's very difficult to get full custody and that's what I eventually was awarded. I owe a lot to my L, she was very effective and smart, and sounds much like your L.

[ForeverDad]

Tried the mediation route one last time 5 months ago, a total waste of time... .

Mediation or settlement in high conflict cases generally only works further along in the process.  The entitlement perception will sabotage it until the person has virtually painted self into a corner.  The problem is that court wants mediation as an early step in the process and it doesn't work for us.  Generally all that comes out of it is that we can report to the court, "I tried."

Next drop off she again tried to talk to me and I walked to the Police counter, pulled out her restraining order and said, I am being put in a situation where I have to break this and our son is being exposed to this atmosphere can you please advise exBPD and sons mother that this is an exchange nothing else she is breaking her own restraining order by talking to me.  This is being dealt with in the family court process and she hasn't shown up to the last 2 hearings, if she has anything to say that is the appropriate forum.

Correct action.  You can't reason with the Ex.  In your case, you can't even legally interact with her.  However, was it logged there that she was attempting to talk with you?  Your lawyer may try to use her contact attempts as basis to say she weakened the RO.

Well 3 days later she puts all her paperwork in and we got a copy.  It's like she went off triggered as I had a boundary in place and has made me out to be a child molester.  It doesn't add up as I am still seeing my son if these concerns are genuine etc.  It just shakes me to the core.

What is next, I really wasn't ready for this level of hatred.

After we separated my then-spouse tried that too.  For a year she had the local children's counseling agency under her control.  Since court in its infinite wisdom defaulted to assigning temporary custody to mother, they accepted her claims I was dangerous even though the court also assigned me typical alternate weekends with our preschooler.  Scary and horrendous but I survived somehow and (eventually and gradually) she lost credibility.  In fact most of her allegations were referred to children's protective services and never returned to court.  Despite my first appearance where CPS stated they had "no concerns" about me, she continued.

It's All Or Nothing, no "in between" for pwBPD.

One thing I have been told to do is basically the JADE thing, none of that, mention nothing.  He had another client that just won 5 and 6 days a week, more importantly was able to move his kids back to a local school.  He used JADE questions to bait this clients ex partner on the stand, said don't let her know anything, don't argue, don't get her ready and let him to it not me.

He has also said always provide a solution even if it isn't ideal for you make sure I am able to explain how it is in our sons benefit.

Yes, focus on the children.  Put forth practical solutions.  My custody evaluator's initial report summarized in part, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can."

Yes, don't share information or strategies with the Ex, otherwise it could be twisted to make more allegations against you.  Share properly just the information relating to the day to day care of the children, no more.

Apparently local courts put a huge amount of weight in solutions and not attacking the ex partner.  So I am not to attack back just let her do it.

Courts will ignore much of the adult behaviors (with you) and focus on the parenting behaviors (with the children).  You would do well to follow their example.