Enabler or just trying to avoid conflict?

[hurtingbad]

Hello,

I've never posted to a discussion like this before, but I need some help. I've been married (almost 25 years) to someone who I believe to have some type of personality disorder and BPD seems to fit somewhat. There is a history of mental illness (serious) and depression, disorder in his family. As he will NOT see a doctor (physical or mental) I am at a loss. In reading thru some of your material, I do not know if I actually qualify as an enabler, or if I just do not like conflict so tend to try to do everything possible to avoid it.  I seem to have answered yes to less than 1/2 of the list of "enabler" traits... .Anyway, I think I'm getting to a bad place in our relationship.  When we were newly together, there would be an argument (by him)... .and I use the term argument loosely, because I would just listen and not say anything... .about something that made absolutely no sense to me as a situation that ANYONE would get angry about.  Then... .every time... .about 30 minutes later he would apologize for getting angry and say he was just being stupid.  Over the years, the arguments have become more frequent and can last for days.  I now have to speak instead of just listen because I am asked questions like "why would you do that to me?", "what were you thinking?", "why did you say/do this instead of that?"... .basically questions that have no answer, yet must be answered and tend to make the situation worse.  Also, since I've gotten to a point of trying to explain that I didn't "mean to be doing anything to you" I then will be accused of being defensive, and if I didn't do anything on purpose, why then am I being defensive?  It just continues to go around and around seemingly with no end.  I am accused of always having to do things my way... .of always being in control.  I may be asked, "why didn't you take the trash out before you fed the dog?" (instead of the other way around), followed by "see... .you always have to do everything your way".  What?   I have absolutely no desire to cheat on my husband and never have, yet I don't know how many times (or how many people) over the years I have been accused of sleeping with.  I will say that I've never been physically abused, though feel very emotionally abused.  But I can also say that sometimes I am scared of what he might be capable of just due to things he's said throughout the years - even regarding things that had nothing to do with us. I know most people would have left years ago, but I do love him (I know, I know).  When we're good, we're great, but when it's bad... .it's terrible. Even our son (now grown) had asked me several times why I just didn't leave.  He was also in a terrible car wreck about 10 years ago, and is no longer able to work.  At risk of sounding like an enabler, I honestly believe that he may hurt himself (or me) if I were to actually leave, and I KNOW his disability income would not be enough for him to live on. If it makes me an enabler to want to try to fix this, to spend the rest of my life with my husband, or at the very least, not wanting to leave him knowing that he won't make it financially on his own, then I guess that's what I am and I'm ok with that.  I just feel like I have no one else to talk to.  He knows he has anger issues, etc, but I certainly can't bring that up while he's yelling at me, and I don't want to bring it up once everything calms down because that would just start another argument.  I'm sure my mother-in-law would listen and/or try to help, but I'm also pretty sure she would say something to my husband about treating me this way... .and I cannot even bare to think about what the argument after that would look like.  I'm sorry for going on so long, but I felt I needed to explain at least most of what's going on.  Any advise is extremely welcome... .Thank you!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Welcome hurtingbad,

you wrote that you answered less than 50% of the enable questionnaire with yes. Now you are undecided whether you are an enabler or normal. Let me put that fear to rest: You are both and it matters not that much going forward! There is limited value in labels such as enable or BPD beyond providing an impulse to move in a certain direction. Once setting out on a general course again the specific personal details matter most but then can be viewed with a certain light. Having a course and proper illumination can make a big difference.

"why didn't you take the trash out before you fed the dog?"

Is really a good question for your H to ponder about. The order may well be irritating and it may be worth his while to figure out whether there is not a better order or he should adopt this novel sequence. Whatever, that is his problem. Where it becomes your problem when he starts talking without thinking he is talking to another person and treat that opposite with the required respect.

This lack of respect is a sign of weak boundaries on your side which is consistent with you telling us you are avoiding conflict. So boundaries are obviously a skill to work on. Maybe however if you are scared of conflict work on validation - validating negative feelings can already alleviate some pressure and help you building confidence in your ability to change. Work on concrete individual situations/topics here on the board as this usually gives best results.

Again ,

a0

[hurtingbad]

Thank you, aO, for your comments.  I was actually just reading a page on validation.  I do try to do this when I can... .although, most of the responses he has to situations are extremely hard to validate, as I would believe most people would not have given a second thought on these subjects.  Even when I do tell him I understand how he is feeling or why he is upset, he tells me that I don't... .that I'm just saying that I do.  Obviously I need more work on my validation skills!  I do agree that I am weak.  All my life I have never told anyone what I felt, for instance if my feelings were hurt.  Since being married to someone with a very strong personality, I have gotten better with that... .not good, but better.  But not so much at all when dealing with him. He is also OCD... .of that there is no question, which I would guess is why he is always asking me why I did something in the order I did... .rather than the right way?  There just seems to be no way around that one... .it doesn't seem to matter how/why I do anything... .there was always a better way.  I will continue reading and will definitely look into boundary skills as well.

Thanks again... .just to talk to someone... .you have no idea how much that has helped!

[maxsterling]

I want to first welcome you to this wonderful website, and secondly tell you that I know exactly what you are going through.  Being with a personality-disordered person is difficult, and from your description of your husband, it seems BPD is a good possibility.

When I read your post, one thing stuck out at me.  Some of your behavior sounds like JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain), and those are things to avoid with a person who has BPD.  It sounds like these are things that you don't want to do, but he baits you into explaining or defending yourself.  The reason it is advised not to JADE is for the exact reason you specify - defending and explaining tends to reinforce their argument, and it becomes a circle of no return.  

The other thing that I want to add, is I disagree with the tern "enabler" because it tends to place equal blame on us.  I actually don't believe in blame, and prefer to try to accept just what is.  It's tough to do!  So when my wife and I have a disagreement, rather than blame my wife for the disagreement, I try my best to simply accept we are disagreeing and she has a different viewpoint than me.  Of course, that's difficult to do when I feel she is shifting all blame onto me.

The reason I don't like the term "enabler" is because I feel the definition implies we are somehow responsible for another's behavior.  And that leaves many to go down the path of thinking that if he/she stopped the enabling behavior, the addict/pwBPD/other person would change, and that the only thing preventing the other person from changing is our enabling behavior.  The truth as I see it is the pwBPD already had that behavior long before meeting us, and whether or not he/she changes or recovers is up to them, not up to us.  My wife wants to look at me as an "enabler" or somehow triggering her behavior.  I see it differently - she has had the same behavior her whole life, and would have the same behavior no matter who I was or what I did.  I think a more constructive approach here is to shift the focus back to your needs instead of trying to solve the pwBPDs needs, and recognize that the pwBPD's behavior is completely independent of you.  Your goal in stopping what is labeled as "enabling" behavior is to quit wasting time and energy hoping and getting another person to improve, and put that energy into what can make you happier - directing the energy inward.

[hurtingbad]

Maxsterling,

Thank you for your welcome and you wonderful comments.  I actually thought of your JADE comment last night during an argument that has continued since Sunday and even now includes the one from last Tuesday-Thursday.  I REALLY tried not to JADE, but I haven't yet figured out how!  I was validating his feelings by telling him I understood why he was upset, but then being told that I did not understand and never will.  I tried not to explain why I did or said something or why it didn't mean what he thought it meant, but with the constant "why" coming from him I just don't know how to do that... .except for not talking at all, like I used to do so many years ago, but that just doesn't seem to work anymore.  Working on learning more!

[maxsterling]

Hurting - I've been re-thinking JADE recently, and have concluded it's not all bad, and unavoidable sometimes.  I got so concerned about not JADEing, that I would overthink, not say things that needed to be said, avoid, and ultimately feel like I was run over.  The communication style pwBPD use tends to encourage JADE responses.  There's nothing wrong with explaining or defending yourself, the trick is to do so in the least painful way possible.  First, make sure you accept that the pwBPD is 99.999999% likely to not accept your explanation at first, and your explanation is 99.99999% likely to be followed up with a more agitated follow-up question.  That's when you need to learn how to not get caught in the circular conversation that goes nowhere and lasts hours.  My recent experience is telling me this is a better route:  Explain myself if she wants an explanation - BUT ONLY ONCE. Then move on.  I'm discovering the things I say do sink in eventually, although when she thinks about them too much she will re-start the argument at a later time based on my explanation. 

On here, we talk about SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) to get your point across.  I've had minimal success with this because I think my wife sees right through it and feels the "Support" and "Empathy" parts are phony.  Sometimes I don't even get through the "Support" before she is accusing me of lying and not really caring about her.  At that point, the conversation is already futile.