Sleeping with a new woman

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm 14 months out. My ex wife and myself are very over, but as I've stated before, I still love my wife, I care for her a lot, she doesn't deserve that love and she doesn't get to experience it and I choose not to be with her. However, my new partner knows this, I've been as fair to her as I can by being truthful. I slept with her this week, because I wanted to, actually for the first time, I was incredibly sexually attracted to her, I had time to think about it horny and not horny, and I enjoyed it. I wasn't thinking about my ex-wife while doing it, I was present with her and we both had a good time.

Then bam, as I'm sleeping I am dreaming now again of my ex, it really really really pisses me off. As we are still married in name, perhaps there is a false loyalty to her, perhaps emotionally I wasn't ready even if physically I was very ready. Ive been single 14 months to avoid a rebound, but maybe rebounds don't come in time but in proximity to the biatch that broke your heart?

Telling this girl I dreamt of my ex would be needlessly cruel, she knows my situation and is very gentle with me as I try to be to her, but is that good enough? Am I being unfair to her? It may be selfish of me but I don't want to be a sexless piner for years on end until I never think of her again.

Has this happened to you all with the next person you slept with?

[Trog]

I'm 14 months out. My ex wife and myself are very over, but as I've stated before, I still love my wife, I care for her a lot, she doesn't deserve that love and she doesn't get to experience it and I choose not to be with her. However, my new partner knows this, I've been as fair to her as I can by being truthful. I slept with her this week, because I wanted to, actually for the first time, I was incredibly sexually attracted to her, I had time to think about it horny and not horny, and I enjoyed it. I wasn't thinking about my ex-wife while doing it, I was present with her and we both had a good time.

Then bam, as I'm sleeping I am dreaming now again of my ex, it really really really pisses me off. As we are still married in name, perhaps there is a false loyalty to her, perhaps emotionally I wasn't ready even if physically I was very ready. Ive been single 14 months to avoid a rebound, but maybe rebounds don't come in time but in proximity to the biatch that broke your heart?

Telling this girl I dreamt of my ex would be needlessly cruel, she knows my situation and is very gentle with me as I try to be to her, but is that good enough? Am I being unfair to her? It may be selfish of me but I don't want to be a sexless piner for years on end until I never think of her again.

Has this happened to you all with the next person you slept with?

[Tomzxz]

I'm experiencing the same thing right now.  I found a very sensitive and kind woman that is so different from my ex but like you, I still care for my ex - still think about her.  My ex is the first thought on my mind when I wake up and usually the last thought on my mind when I go to sleep.  I have been dreaming about her more now that I am in another relationship and like you it really ticks me off.  The woman I'm with now knows I have strong feelings for my ex and is starting to get rather upset that I am constantly reminded of her.  My advice is refrain from EVER mentioning your ex to the woman your with, it will make her uncomfortable and feel unappreciated and devalued.  I do care for my ex but not in a romantic way because I know that it could never be.  It was a loaded relationship from the beginning and I am just fantasizing about how it was during the honeymoon phase when things were amazing.  In reality, the relationship was painful, lonely and I couldn't be myself.  I also think that I am just missing the comfort and routine of being in a relationship with my ex.  In time and if the woman I'm with is understanding enough and I don't bring it up any more I have a bright future ahead of me.  I guess I'm afraid of getting hurt again and thoughts of my past, good or bad keep blocking my happiness now. I just need to stop thinking about it and risk it again and open my heart completely to this amazing woman I'm with.  I repeat this idea in my head every day: There is just too much at stake with her to mess it up with thoughts of the past when my thoughts should be on the future.  Love is a risk, I wont give up, I wont let my ex continue to control me with my own thoughts.  I learned a lot about protecting myself, my heart is stronger now and the woman I'm with is more deserving of my love than my ex ever was.

[Tomzxz]

Are your dreams about your ex sexual? I am constantly reminded of her and sometimes it's sexually.   BPD aside, she was miserable being something she's not and she made sure I was too.  Looking back, the sex wasn't all that great with my ex - no emotional connection and it just felt like she was selfishly relishing in it.  It's not like that at all with a normal woman is it?

[disillusionedandsore]

Is this the "dull as a post woman"? I see you refer to her as your 'partner' now,  you were telling us earlier that she was young,  a 'girl' immature,  lacking in self esteem... .So I would say if this is the same person yes it would seem that you are being incredibly unfair... .

[fromheeltoheal]

My version is that dreaming is our subconscious' way of processing, of making sense of our world, and when we've been emotionally enmeshed with mental illness there's some rewiring to do.  I dreamt of my ex nightly for about 9 months, always the same theme but different situations, and then one day they stopped.  Rewiring done.  I haven't dreamt of her in a long time.

I say there's nothing wrong with rebound relationships, people have them all the time.  If we're open and honest about what's going on with us and the other person still wants to sign on for that, then let fly.  I also don't think it's cruel to tell the new gal about your dream, it may be a drag though; would you want to be with someone who's whining about their ex all the time?  The new gal can't fix it for you, and you should be open and honest with her, but she's going to get tired of hearing about your ex after a while, and while there's really no way to speed up the processing, it takes what it takes, it's also up to you to decide how much you volunteer, for the sake of the new relationship.  Rebound relationships serve a purpose, most don't last, some do; if the other partner got into the relationship to rescue or 'save' the rebounder, once the processing is done the dynamic of the relationship will change, and then what?  So what's the goal with this new gal Trog?

[Trog]

It is the same woman I earlier referred to as dull. I shouldn't have referred to her as 'partner', but it's quicker than 'woman I've known for a month who I am now shagging'.  I've had 8-9 dates with her  at that point it had been 3, this past week she opened up a lot more. I unfairly judged her on many levels, mostly because she is Spanish (I live In Spain) and there is the language barrier to conquer. I also noted that saying dull as a post was being a jerk. So yes, it's the same woman, and a few days ago I slept with her after a month of seeing one another.

As I said in this thread, I did it because I wanted to, I didn't do it before because I didn't want to. Things change. They will change again no doubt.

However, what's the goal with this girl? I really don't know. She's very sweet and kind, loving and tactile and she has not showed any jealousy. On Wednesday I am going on a 6 week hike across the country alone, there was no tantrums and she seemed genuinely pleased that I am going on pilgrimage.

I read a lack of self esteem because she was letting me lead everything, I later found out this is just the kind of relationship she prefers. She enjoys pleasing and holding up her partner. For me, this is a revelation comparing to my BPDex, but it also makes me nervous about what must be the flip side to this subservience.

[fromheeltoheal]

I read a lack of self esteem because she was letting me lead everything, I later found out this is just the kind of relationship she prefers. She enjoys pleasing and holding up her partner. For me, this is a revelation comparing to my BPDex, but it also makes me nervous about what must be the flip side to this subservience.

It could be cultural too; Spanish culture is very different from American culture, for example, and accordingly so are the women, and it's a matter of whether her personality is consistent with cultural expectations or contrary to it.

[Trog]

I read a lack of self esteem because she was letting me lead everything, I later found out this is just the kind of relationship she prefers. She enjoys pleasing and holding up her partner. For me, this is a revelation comparing to my BPDex, but it also makes me nervous about what must be the flip side to this subservience.

It could be cultural too; Spanish culture is very different from American culture, for example, and accordingly so are the women, and it's a matter of whether her personality is consistent with cultural expectations or contrary to it.

She's the first Spanish woman ive dated, some years ago I dated a Greek woman and it was a similar story, loved, seemed to genuinely love, cooking for me and making me feel comfortable and loved. I found that very difficult then too! I mean, it's great, I love it, and if she does too then I am happy to uphold my side of the bargain and provide love and care too. However my mother and most of the women in my life have been working/career women and fiercely independent. All I ever did was argue and power struggle with them. It's kinda nice not to do that, but I am worried that, even though they claim to like that lifestyle, it is not oppressive! It makes me uncomfortable on some levels.

[fromheeltoheal]

I read a lack of self esteem because she was letting me lead everything, I later found out this is just the kind of relationship she prefers. She enjoys pleasing and holding up her partner. For me, this is a revelation comparing to my BPDex, but it also makes me nervous about what must be the flip side to this subservience.

It could be cultural too; Spanish culture is very different from American culture, for example, and accordingly so are the women, and it's a matter of whether her personality is consistent with cultural expectations or contrary to it.

She's the first Spanish woman ive dated, some years ago I dated a Greek woman and it was a similar story, loved, seemed to genuinely love, cooking for me and making me feel comfortable and loved. I found that very difficult then too! I mean, it's great, I love it, and if she does too then I am happy to uphold my side of the bargain and provide love and care too. However my mother and most of the women in my life have been working/career women and fiercely independent. All I ever did was argue and power struggle with them. It's kinda nice not to do that, but I am worried that, even though they claim to like that lifestyle, it is not oppressive! It makes me uncomfortable on some levels.

To me it depends on whether she's following her core or external expectations, cultural or otherwise.  If she's got a conflict between her true self and one imposed on her she's going to pop eventually, as we all would, and it also depends on how self-aware she is.

I've noticed what you describe with European women as well, and I know plenty of American women who would slap the sht out of a Eurogal who wants nothing more than to 'serve her man'.  It is nice though, simpler, and to me driven, independent women are both admirable and favoring their masculine side, seems you can relate with the arguing and the power struggle.  Nothing like some sexual polarity, a bottle of wine and a dance floor to chill us all out.

[Visitor]

What an interesting topic. One that you may be putting way too much thought in to when it comes to your relationships but none the less one that I think a lot of men can sympathise with when they come out of a roller coaster relationship.

The biggest learning curve for me was accepting that whatever emotions I was feeling or whatever type of girl I was attracting into my life, it was all about ME and nothing to do with the other person.

I'm no expert on the subject but when it comes to a woman by your side who gets jealous or easily angered at your inconsideration of her then this was, for me, somewhat of a solid reassurance that she was into me and I was in the "one-up" position. The reason I sub-consciously craved this in my relationships is because ultimately I had a low self-esteem coupled with a slight narcissistic ego (developed in childhood). I was a perfect match for a disordered woman and this allowed the relationship to go on way longer than it ever should have.

To cut a long story short I was cut out by two women in quick succession (one was a borderline) and like many on this board my journey of self-discovery started there. Where I differ from many of you is I never really loved the women I was with. My self-esteem was way too low to deal with such a powerful emotion as love. My problem was leading women on who fell in love with me when I knew from an early stage the relationship was going nowhere. Whether it be a warm body at night or somebody to go watch a movie with, if she was in to me and I held the power (in the one up position) then that was enough for me.

So how does this relate to this discussion?, well the truth is my ego/self-esteem whatever you want to call it was looking out to the external for its validation. Think of it as you being a lock and you are walking around looking for the person with the key to unlock your inner self. I wasn’t happy being single and alone and that’s just insecure. My happiness doesn’t lie in another person, if we rely on others to provide our happiness then we are giving them the remote control to our happiness. I believe, that until we are happy being with ourselves we are never going to be happy with another person. I believe if I work on myself and work on being an all-round better person with a great life then I will (already have) attract great people into my life.

You are not over the trauma of the split and need some more time to heal, its natural to find a rebound at this stage but statistically rebound relationships only last for as long as the other person needs them. It is up to you as an individual to decide whether this girl is right for you or not but if you are craving the intense ups and downs of a relationship with a highly dramatic woman the you clearly have some psychological issues of your own. What I experienced was it took me some time to settle into a normal, low drama relationship. The woman I am now with is strong and independent, she loves me in a healthy way and we have a lot of fun together. I get a nice feeling when I’m at work and I know I’m going to see her that evening.

This never would have happened if I didn’t go down the dark path of self-evaluation and harsh criticism of myself that I have just been through. The hardest thing was for me to accept responsibility for what happened and to accept that I allowed this to happen. I also had to revisit some things from my youth that were a little hard to revisit but had a huge impact on my social interactions with others in later life.

Don’t search for that addictive kind of love with others. Make yourself a better person with a great life and the right person will find you eventually. To put all your love into another person is to build on a deck of cards. That kind of happiness is paper thin and can be toppled at any time. Be happy by becoming a beautiful person. Pick up your guitar and learn some new songs, go for those piano or art lessons you have always wanted to do. Travel to more countries, join more social groups and force yourself to meet new people. Read more and become more interesting, drink less alcohol, walk in nature, learn some new recipes, host some dinner parties, get fitter and stronger, go bike riding, start a blog online. Do all this for YOU, make yourself a more beautiful flower and the butterflies will come and find you.

“you have to love yourself before others can love you”

[daz_bpd]

It may help making a distinction between your ex and the 'feelings' you felt that are good and those that you miss. Because the feelings CAN be replicated by other woman. The fact that you dream about 'her' can be interpreted as your body linking the feeling to an image. But to only assume those feelings will be felt with her is misguided and wrong. They can revitalised and experienced with others too.

[truthbeknown]

could this be along the topic of the healthy, non conflict partner can seem "boring".  I wonder about that myself.  At least you have found a sweet woman who respects you and is kind to.  Whether you are used to it is a different story and it may trigger some feelings of being uncomfortable in the "lead" position.  I too have had those feelings.  I noticed i am attracted to confident women but sometimes their masculine energy can be too strong.  I am allowing myself to observe how i am with different types of women in social settings (not in a partnership yet).  One thing that has helped my awareness is working a few jobs where i am part of team that has diverse sets of people including many women.  It's like being back in high school only at an older age.  I am getting to see my old patterns, my new patterns or ones that i aspire to transform to. 

I went out on a date yesterday and it we went for a long walk.  She was pleasant but there was no "pull" for me.  However, i'm taking it slow and we haven't gotten near where you are with intimacy.  I'm holding off for now on that.

keep us posted

[Trog]

Well, Visitor, thank you for the long reply. I have done a lot of work on myself, improving my life, ive taken up sailing and tomorrow I go on a 5 week hike across Spain on pilgrimage in gratitude to God! Basically for saving my ass when quite honestly i thought of suicide for many months out of grief over my ex wife. Im doing a lot of things right now for personally growth but I still feel I have some way to go.

Some things do sit uncomfortably with me and the new girl, in the power dynamic especially her extreme submission in bed which on one hand excites me and then makes me feel terrible afterwards. There's some kind of internal conflict for me going on there and feels too much like the exBPD feelings I had. Outside of the bedroom, im more calm about the relationship.

Well, ive got 5 weeks without her in the most perfect circumstance to get my head around it.

The relationship, because im sexually active and being intimate, is making me think of my ex more, not less, than of i were alone as before and that's something I don't want

[truthbeknown]

Trog,

if i may, there is a resource i can share that helped me quite a bit after a being dropped by a narcassistic woman who I had fallen madly for.  That's a long story and i won't share that now but the site i learned alot from was called "reuniting.info"  I haven't been on there in awhile but it was based off a book called, "cupids poison arrow" and it talks alot about sexuality and how our brains get manipulated by the hormones and what we can do about them.   Mostly, i learned alot about intimacy versus sex on that site and how we can all get addicted to sex to the point where our partners no longer please us.  I think this happens when we are in a relationship with a BPD/ cluster b etc because they use sex as a weapon in some instances or to control, lure etc.  In any regard, check it out if you are drawn to explore other things.  It's more in line with the eastern philosphies etc.