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mssalty
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« on: July 02, 2015, 10:17:12 AM » |
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When I screw up, I apologize. As a codependent, I do it sometimes even when I don't screw up. Honestly, even among my parents, one of whom has some serious issues, apologies were the way we put arguments behind us, owned up to stuff we'd done, and moved on.
It took me many years to realize that my SO rarely, if ever apologized, and it may not be a stretch to say they've never been the first to do so (at least not sincerely, or in a passive aggressive way). I don't think I realized it because they were so quick to either gaslight (by claiming causes I could neither prove nor disprove), or deflect blame back to me for something I had done, hadn't done, or simply changed the subject to something that I had done wrong that was worse. Add to this the ability to turn any mistake you've made into the worse thing that you've ever done.
As I struggle with many things in my heart and head these days, I realize how much damage this inflicted to me. I don't ever see arguments as over, merely covered over. I don't see forgiveness. I always feel that there is anger, disappointment, and more just waiting to boil over at me.
I'd love to hear a sincere apology just once.
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