Does the abuse start as self-hate and progress to the partner?

[4Years5Months]

My uBPDexGF replaced me with a co-worker about two weeks after our seventh (and final, I am DONE) breakup.  She and I have remained friends.  I still love her deeply, but I'm not "in love" with her where I'm desiring her and wanting a relationship.  Therapy and an antidepressant have helped, along with time.

She informed me that my replacement is a diagnosed BPD.  She didn't know this when they started dating, but after about a month, the arguing began.  Arguing escalated to him getting mad and leaving her apartment... .then packing his belongings and leaving her apartment... .to him throwing all of his belongings in her apartment complex's dumpster, saying he was going to kill himself, and leaving her.

Every time, within a day or so, he returns/contacts her, apologizes, and they make up and "get back together" so to speak.  This seems par for the course with BPD behavior, but she tells me that he never projects abuse onto her, only himself.  He hits himself, says HE is not good enough for HER, that she is going to leave him eventually, and that triggers the leaving and extreme behaviors.  She takes him back because he admits that he overreacts and hates himself for it, or so she says. 

My question is this -

For those of you who had this same kind of acting-out BPD partner - particularly women who had male partners with BPD - did the behavior start this way for you?  With him/her putting themselves down and essentially fishing for sympathy, using it as a tool to control?  And did it eventually get worse, and turn abusive, either with words or physical actions?

My ex tells me my replacement "would never" hurt her or abuse her, that he only targets himself.  I fear for her because I wonder if one day the childish temper tantrums will stop having an effect on her and he'll turn to more extreme measures to get that reaction and impact.

I know it's weird to care about a BPDex in this way and in this specific situation, but I fear that by the time it gets more extreme (if it does) she will accept THAT as okay, just like she's accepting him back even when he throws a childish fit and throws all of his clothes in a dumpster.

I've told her more than once to run, run away, but she won't.  He pulls her back in by promising vacations and nights out, and she slips right back in.  I fear that eventually he will turn physical with the abuse.

Thoughts?

[Herodias]

My stbx husband did start out that way... .victim mode. Lots of talk about him not being good enough for me. The verbal abuse started after we were married... .gas lighting and such. The physical stuff started after we were married when I was catching him in lies and he could not handle it. It was basically holding me and not letting me go and scaring me. It was much more physical a year ago when he had  held me on the floor with his hand over my mouth so I could not yell out. Also put a pillow over my face so he would not see me cry... .then threatened me with a gun. It got worse I think when he was ready to be done with me (I think) It's so hard to tell, because he never seemed to really want to be done with me... .always keeping me in the loop. I think he just wanted to date other people, but still rely on me- He said he would never really hurt me- only himself. I'm not sure I believe that.   We have been married 8 years... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey 4Years, My thought is that you can't control your Ex, which may be painful for you to accept.  This may sound weird, but in my view the loving thing is to let her fly free.  You are not responsible for the well being of another adult.

LuckyJim

[Tyrwhitt1]

It does get worse. For the first 15 years we were married, he pushed and pulled. He would say he needed to sort himself out, had huge amount of therapy, psych meds, he played the victim. The next 4 years, he had use for me but he was wanting to run. The threats started, a push, smashing the lounge, silent treatment for months.

Then last year, when he really wanted out and the money from the house, it stepped up. A knife outside my bedroom, as he threw all my clothes into the spare room, locking me out, smashing glasses during the night. Finally before we eventually reached an agreement, he said he'd kill me or burn the house down.

Yes, from my life experience, it can be victim mode all the time you're wanted, needed. When that changes, the rage is dangerous and very scarey.

[UserName69]

My exBPD did at some point. In the beginning she did harm her self a lot, cutting, not eating for a couple days etc. At some moments she really hated herself, she said that she doesn't know what she is doing, who she is and what she wants. At some point she started to ignore me, this was the push pull behavior. It drove me crazy. Sometimes she didn't even respond for a couple days on a FB pm while she was active on FB. She was the one who ended the relationship, she still wanted to stay friends. Later I told her that I'm going to date an another girl she freaked out, she said that she would commit suicide. I contacted her and she didn't respond. The next day she pretended like there was nothing going on. Long story short; I dated the other girl and she's now my gf now, my exBPD blocked me from FB and I blocked her too, I also blocked her phonenumber and email.

So yes mine did use these things as a tool to control me, when she saw she couldn't control me she freaked out because she had the feeling that she lost something. I have no idea what she's doing now, I don't want to know as I don't care/love her anymore. I don't think she would commit suicide because most people who do they never announce it. If they do they do it to control you.

The first time when she cuts herself she told me that she called her exBF. I told myself why the hell would she even do that? I think she did this so her exBF (who she dumped) would feel sorry for her, and to make me jealous. In my case she really used it as a tool to control me.

[2010]

Does the abuse start as self-hate and progress to the partner?

":)oes the abuse start as self-hate and progress to the partner?"

The question should read: ":)oes the self-abuse start as hate and progress to the new partner?"

Yes it does.

"To be traumatized is to be condemned to endless repetitions of unbearable experiences."

In a trauma bond, one person often becomes "stuck," unable to move on from hurtful experience. They then re-live it over and over again often in the form of concentrating on the other's behaviors, (not their own) distancing from their own pain and dissociating, which creates toxic immobility- in essence being "frozen in time."

What does this mean? It means that you are a bystander to your own trauma- you choose to project your pain onto someone who cannot carry it for you nor should they. Your anxiety and fear about the outcome (and fighting) of this new relationship (one that doesn't really involve you except as a third party onlooker and naysayer) is really about your own sense of self worth and fragile self esteem. That self esteem is being manipulated to an extent that you feel that you are the only rescuer that understands what is going on- but the truth of the matter is that you cannot understand -because if you did- you would be *disordered* yourself.

So let's just assume you are disordered. Do you stand by and constantly listen, cajole, correct and coach this poor behavior, in effect, enabling it? And if so, what would be the advantages of your advice? Would you be living a healthy, happy, positive life because she took your advice? Or would you undoubtedly be drawn to this negativistic triangle because of your altruistic identity, one that may use the word "love" in idealism but is actually self-serving to your own narcissistic downfall?

You are headed towards a FIGHT, and that means the new partner and you will come to heads if you determine it necessary- pulling you back into the fray as the rescuer (again) in a trauma bond that isn't healthy nor happy and is entirely negativistic and disturbing.

The solution: Stop. Let go. It is not your place to determine the outcome of her relationship.

In addition, stop allowing yourself to be abused by a person that is manipulating you for your attention. Stop abusing yourself. You are ALLOWING yourself to be used by a person who is unable to understand the stress this causes you. You are rolling up your shirt sleeves and diving right in whenever she contacts you.

If you cannot let go- then it is you with the bigger problem. You need to be confronted.

Let go.

[BorisAcusio]

So let's just assume you are disordered. Do you stand by and constantly listen, cajole, correct and coach this poor behavior, in effect, enabling it? And if so, what would be the advantages of your advice? Would you be living a healthy, happy, positive life because she took your advice? Or would you undoubtedly be drawn to this negativistic triangle because of your altruistic identity, one that may use the word "love" in idealism but is actually self-serving to your own narcissistic downfall?

[Sunfl0wer]

Wow 2010! Spot on!