Help - So confused

[Johnsmith19]

Hi All, really concerned about my current situation!

I fell in love with a girl a few years older than me, I am 31 and she is 36 around 6 months ago. We genuinely have loads of the same interests and fell in love within weeks. I have had previous long term  relationships, 6 years being the longest but have never felt so in love with someone. I moved in with her after 3 months and things are generally good. She has a stressful job and becomes very anxious, doesn't like drinking and stays in a lot, she also had a terrible upbringing with an extremely abusive parent who attacked her nearly to the worst possible scenario. When we bicker and although I am a good partner I can sometimes say things that are a tiny bit irritating, things become so heated so quick with her and she often punches herself and says she is useless. The themes of these arguments can be such petty things and a lot these reasons are unclear to me. It has become progressively worse recently due to work stress and she sometimes says very hurtful things. She has very low self asteem and is shy but can turn it on for people. I am worried that she may have BPD? I suddenly seem to have a list of things I cannot say otherwise it will irritate her and start her off again. These things are trivial to anyone sane such as commenting in the housework I have just done, if I say lazy rather than relaxing etc. I really want to help her and love her so much but it has started affecting me and I feel quite depressed and worried about when it will happen next. It happens every few days at present. Any advice or people who have similar experiences would be great!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Greyhound]

John - Im a newbie to the forum as well, but wanted to validate what you are feeling.  My situation is similar and very different at the same time; however, I was advised to read, "Stop Walking on Eggshells," by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger, and it made a big difference for me.  The book gave credence to much of what I was feeling and provided practical advice on how to communicate (... .in fact, I read it cover to cover on a trip overseas).

Reading your post, I'm not sure how long you have actually been together?  Certainly punching herself would be a big red flag.  At the end of the day, know that you cannot 'fix' her, so it's important that you learn to communicate in a manner which she is able to receive (it's a process, and I still struggle here). 

As an example, acknowledging her feelings, being able to freely express your point of view, and understanding that you don't need to sacrifice your needs/happiness to take care of her (i.e. it's okay to do things that you want to do), are elements of learning to deal with the escalating situation.

Good luck, and hope hearing from others gives you some small measure of comfort.

[Johnsmith19]

John - Im a newbie to the forum as well, but wanted to validate what you are feeling.  My situation is similar and very different at the same time; however, I was advised to read, "Stop Walking on Eggshells," by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger, and it made a big difference for me.  The book gave credence to much of what I was feeling and provided practical advice on how to communicate (... .in fact, I read it cover to cover on a trip overseas).

Reading your post, I'm not sure how long you have actually been together?  Certainly punching herself would be a big red flag.  At the end of the day, know that you cannot 'fix' her, so it's important that you learn to communicate in a manner which she is able to receive (it's a process, and I still struggle here). 

As an example, acknowledging her feelings, being able to freely express your point of view, and understanding that you don't need to sacrifice your needs/happiness to take care of her (i.e. it's okay to do things that you want to do), are elements of learning to deal with the escalating situation.

Good luck, and hope hearing from others gives you some small measure of comfort.

Thanks so much for your advice I will defo check out that book, really good to know someone out there can relate to this. Do you think that the signs are in line with BPD symptoms? We have been together for about 6 months. When these unpredictable mood swings occur I try to stay calm and this works but when it is rediculous I find it hard to not comment back and point out how out of order this behaviour is. She actually says that when she hurts herself it stops me "going on" but I believe that in a lot of these cases I am not actually saying anything back. She also says quite hurtful things that I am pathetic and a retard in some occasions but she always apologises and says that she doesn't mean it, she is really affectionate and loving most of the time and without blowing my own trumpet have looked after her on many occasions when she has been down, anxious etc.

I have said to her that I know that this behaviour isn't her real personality and she hates that when most people would usually like that You are separating the bad behaviour from the usual personality. The self harm has been daily for about 3 weeks and I am starting to get concerned. She has also said she wants to die on a coupe of occasions but only in the exstacy of anger. Her father tried to murder her at a young age and she survived so I imagine this is where this behaviour stems from. She is highly intelligent so confused as to why she cannot see the damage she is doing. I have never xonfronted her and said that she needs help as I am afraid what this will end up in. She realises that she has a problem and apologises for mood swings and always says that she is useless and a terrible person, I imagine this is another flash back to her early childhood experiences. Her step dad also passed away after her bio dad left. Not really sure what I am trying to achieve from this post but knowing that she has a set psychological form would help me understand things a whole lot more.

Thanks again for your help!

[Greyhound]

John-there's an awful lot to what you just wrote. First, I'm sorry that it's so difficult. Understand how much you care, and many of the folks on this forum struggle with setting boundaries and establishing a healthy detachment -- myself included.

Without passing judgment, it's clear that she could benefit from therapy/counseling.  One of the hardest things to admit is that you (all of the significant others) are not equipped to address some of the deep-rooted issues and perhaps physiological ailments, that affect a loved one.  You will also come to the realization that you cannot control whether someone truly commits themselves to getting better. It's ultimately up to her.   What you can control is whether you decide to stay as well as your own actions and words. Not how she interprets them.

In reading many of the posts on this forum, you will quickly realize that there are a number of similarities: fear of abandonment, risky behaviors, lying, blaming, self-harm, etc.   many of these behaviors stem from past traumas such as the one you describe. 

This may be hard to accept, but 6 months is not that long.  There is no cure for many psychological problems, and you should acknowledge that staying means committing to a lifetime of managing/coping with the extremes.  I am not advising you either way - only you can decide. 

I have been with the woman I love (married with three amazing small children; have a beautiful home & want for nothing; have never been unfaithful, lied, been addicted to anything, etc.) for 13 years, and she brings criminals into the home, is in love with a currently incarcerated felon, has substance abuse problems, and believes it's all my fault.  Through a lot of pain and tears, I've come to the conclusion that there is no way to rationally fix some situations, even with the best therapists, doctors and friends. It's up to the people we love to love themselves enough to want to get better, whereby they will be able to give and receive love (possibly even to us).

Hope this helps... .