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[rarsweet]

What does low contact actually mean?

[Panda39]

Hi rarsweet,

I would define Low Contact as having good boundaries and some contact with the pwBPD in your life.

My SO's daughters are both at different levels of contact with their mother.  D18 is no contact with her mother (for very good reason).

D14 did try No Contact for a little bit at the beginning of the year but she was uncomfortable with that.  D14 is what I would define as low contact.  She has boundaries around how often and under what circumstances she will have contact with her mom.  If her mother had her way D14 would be with her 24/7.

D14 responds to some phone calls and text messages, and typically sees her mom occasionally and with the condition that one of mom's friends are with them that keeps mom's behavior in check for the most part.  Although her parents' custody agreement has D14 with her mom Wednesday evenings and 3 weekends a month D14 has taken control of her own custody and now lives with dad full time and sees her mom occasionally with the stipulations above (she has not been doing any over nights and typically sees her mom on her trips to therapy - maybe an hour once a week).  She will also leave if her mother behaves in ways that cross her boundaries. 

Boundaries are still a work in progress because the right pressure did make D14 put hers aside and she ended up in a real mess (story below)... .resolved now thank goodness!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=278908.msg12641984#msg12641984

We will see what she does next.  Right now she is very angry at her mother.

[rarsweet]

I have had really only 3 relationships. Was with my narc exh from ages 18-27. Then I jumped into a relationship with a nice man, but a struggling recovering alcoholic, for about 9 months. Then I didn't date for a year and a half. Then I met my exwBPD. All 3 of them had disfunctional relationships with their parents. 1st ex has an abusive mother who took him away from his dad when he was 6weeks old. All his childhood if he didn't tow the line she would ship him across country for a month to his dad then take him back. Now he blames his issues with women on his gold digging slut of a mother. But he worships her. 2nd ex his parents have been married 45 years, pastors, he hands them his paycheck even though he doesn't live with them, they pay his bills, have keys to his house, etc. New ex his father took him away from his mother and moved across country when he was 19 months old. Didn't see his mom again until he was 8, and very rarely since. His dad goes so far as to fake panic attacks to keep exes attention. It is easy to see the disfunction in other people. So I look at me. My mother is driving me nuts. She is so so negative. I realize she questions everything I do. My laundry mat is literally across the street from my apartment. I just use a big cloth bag and walk my laundry over. This morning she came and complained that the bag was too heavy, I shouldn't be lifting it. I'm a healthy 32 year old in great shape, I can handle it. Every time she says the same thing. I have a carrier that I take walks with my baby daughter in. She constantly complains that I should just put her in a stroller. She invites herself to everything. The park where my town has fireworks is literally a 5 minute walk from me. The other day she asks if I'm going to bring daughter to fireworks, I say of course. She says "well we're definitely getting your stroller out, you can't carry her there" frirst she assumed WE are going, second I hike carrying daughter. This morning at the laundromat she says"we need to go next door(restaurant) to eat, if you don't eat now you'll get too busy later", I'm thinking what the heck I'm busy now. She works 2 jobs, at a thrift store 3 days a week and 4-8 Monday at other job. Both jobs are 5 minutes past my apartment, she stops by on the way and on her way home! She stops in my work if I'm working late( really laid back family resturaunt, I live above it). I have gotten to the point where I just don't answer the door sometimes. I have to breast pump when I don't have daughter. This pump is so loud you can hear it in the stairwell to my apartment. She knows my work schedule. If I am pumping a half hour before I go to work, don't come knocking.  She refused to have a phone for the past ten years, now she has one and refuses to use it, leaves it at home, and comes over to use mine. She comes every single day and complains about her boss. She literally does nothing besides work and hang out with me or my 30 year old brother who actually lives with her. He has no job, just has slept on my moms couch for 2 years. I realize she wants me to explain everything. I ordered my next semester books. They were out where she could see."are these for school" "are you sure they are the EXACT books you need" "they have pictures,do college books have pictures" "what if they aren't the right books?". "Why do you drink skim milk its just watered down" "how can you wear flip flops, they hurt" " how do you know your internet is down, what if you're computer is really broken" "why don'tyou just take a nap you dnot have to do xyz" grrr. And I have a lot of things to deal with, she will just rant and rave and swear and it seems like she wants me to do the same. She doesn't like that I am calm. She will complain about my exes and get louder and louder if I just say " ya I know, oh well I can't change them" she wants me mad. She constantly complains about money, she makes more than me, her rent is cheaper than mine, she doesn't have a car, all her utilities are included, her phone is free from work, she has one bill, rent. She will come ask for money, and I'm a single mom, no child support, waittressing and going to school, that I have

[rarsweet]

To pay for. And I have to study, and go to work, and clean, and be a mom, and my kids have lives, not to mention maybe someday I would like to do something for me like go to the movies or just take a bubble bath, stupid as that sounds. I have got to the point where I am factoring in my moms work schedule to see how much time I have. I look at other parents with their adult kids and I think with, I don't have that, never will. And its OK, I just wonder what is normal, what limits should I place.

[Panda39]

Hi Rarsweet,

It sounds like boundaries would be helpful for you. Have you thought of moving so your mom isn't in your face quite so much?  It doesn't have to be across the country or anything but maybe across town. That might be a place to start.  Then you can start working on other boundaries. People with BPD are really good a boundary busting and living so near is making things easy for her and hard for you.  Here is a link to more information on boundaries that you might find helpful https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

Another boundary you could put in place now is to stop loaning your mom money.  Your responsibility is to take care of your child and yourself. What do you think would happen if you told her "no" next time?

I also wondered why are you not receiving child support? (sorry I don't know your whole story)  Are you receiving any therapy?  Also have you checked out the "Lessons" links in the box to the right -->

I hear your frustration and your desire to make things better and reach out for more independence.  The great thing (and the tough thing) is that you are independent, working and taking care of your kids you could be your brother trapped in the house living with your mom and doing nothing all day    You've got some fight in you that is going to lead you to better things 

Hang in there 

[rarsweet]

My exh and I have a no support order and we have to stay in the same school zone, so I have to limit where I can live. My exwBPD and I have support court in September, but he hasn't worked in 2 years. I use to make more than I do now, but I cut down my hours after having my daughter. When I enrolled in school I figured out I actually would be fine with my reduced hours. I'm not buying a brand new car, but I can manage fine with a budget and no support. I rent from my boss of four years and live above my work, my college is literally 300 feet away, I have no commute to either. I am a 10 minute walk from older kiddos school. I just get annoyed that my mom buys my bro 2 packs of cigerettes a day and buys his clothes, shoes, gives his friends gas money to pick him up and hang out, she buys 6 pack of Coors a day, and then asks me for money. I was stressing about buying school books becaise my work closes for first 2 weeks of July, unpaid. She was like " I know you just spent a lot of money but do you have $20?".