BDSM now? Shibari

[gah]

I am still hopeful for reconciliation.

My undiagnosed BPD bf and I bought a house in Feb.  :)ay 1 of home ownership he raged, then he did everything in his power to get me to leave six or seven weeks ago.  I left immediately during a particularly bad episode.  He split me black and although there a quick moments of sweet, the jekyl side still loathes me and controls him.

He mistakenly sent me an email (he was sending it to himself from another account) about how to tie shibari rope (japanese rope bdsm) and has purchased shibari rope, a mask and is looking for cover-up for rope burns, piercing jewelry and camera equipment.  He was never into this before - this is seriously out of character.  I am not vanilla and he was! (we're in our 40s) I'm thinking he's met someone else and this is his new obsession.  Or, he's joined a group?  When I asked about it he said he likes to help people.  

I saw him 3 days before and he said he wasn't dating or looking.  We had a good time together until I asked if he missed me... .then he switched.  I hugged him and left.

What is going on?

[UserName69]

My exBPD has handcuffs and a police batton in her room. Who knows what she did with them before I met her, I'm glad she never mentioned them during sex. She never spoke about them, still who knows what her fetish is.

I think he had these fetish when you still was dating him. These kind of curiosity doesn't develop within one day. Maybe he was afraid to tell you about it because he thought you would leave him for it. Now as the rs ended he can safely say he likes it without any consequences from you. To be honest I think all these weird fetish people have mental problems, what happened to normal love making? If I would be in your shoes I would walk away from him, who knows what he's capable of?

[gah]

Honestly, I don't think he was.  We talked about some things and he showed no interest.

[once removed]

gah, im so sorry youre going through this 

to attempt to answer your question, pwBPD have an unstable sense of self. it stands to reason then, that a sexual identity might be relatively loose. my ex picked up on and mirrored my sexual cues to an uncanny degree. like you, i think these were unique to our relationship; i dont think it existed before or after.

you have contact with this person, i assume because as you said, you are hoping for reconciliation. what signs are you looking for?

[jhkbuzz]

I am still hopeful for reconciliation.

My undiagnosed BPD bf and I bought a house in Feb.  :)ay 1 of home ownership he raged, then he did everything in his power to get me to leave six or seven weeks ago.  I left immediately during a particularly bad episode.  He split me black and although there a quick moments of sweet, the jekyl side still loathes me and controls him.

He mistakenly sent me an email (he was sending it to himself from another account) about how to tie shibari rope (japanese rope bdsm) and has purchased shibari rope, a mask and is looking for cover-up for rope burns, piercing jewelry and camera equipment.  He was never into this before - this is seriously out of character.  I am not vanilla and he was! (we're in our 40s) I'm thinking he's met someone else and this is his new obsession.  Or, he's joined a group?  When I asked about it he said he likes to help people.  

I saw him 3 days before and he said he wasn't dating or looking.  We had a good time together until I asked if he missed me... .then he switched.  I hugged him and left.

What is going on?

It took me a long time to figure out that my ex was dissociative, and that I was actually dealing with a cast of characters - not full blown D.I.D., but what her therapist called her "parts of self." They were quite different, one from another. Is this a possibility in your situation, do you think?

[Pretty Woman]

Ok my ex met her ex in a BDSM room... .had all the equipment but we were pretty much sexless for two years. Go figure.

[UserName69]

Honestly, I don't think he was.  We talked about some things and he showed no interest.

Well with BPD people it's quite the opposite of what they say. Mine told me that she couldn't imagine seeing me with an another girl, or just the idea I would sleep with an another girl. One day she told me if I wanted to so a threesome with an another girl, and she was serious about it. She even showed me photo's of a couple girls "I could choose from". The craziest moment in my entire life, I felt like she was showing off some fashion catalog. At the end no I wasn't interested.

I found out that she made the same offer to her exBF and he also refused. I think they lie a lot, especially if it's about sex.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Honestly, I don't think he was.  We talked about some things and he showed no interest.

Well with BPD people it's quite the opposite of what they say. Mine told me that she couldn't imagine seeing me with an another girl, or just the idea I would sleep with an another girl. One day she told me if I wanted to so a threesome with an another girl, and she was serious about it. She even showed me photo's of a couple girls "I could choose from". The craziest moment in my entire life, I felt like she was showing off some fashion catalog. At the end no I wasn't interested.

I found out that she made the same offer to her exBF and he also refused. I think they lie a lot, especially if it's about sex.

I would agree with this. I am very certain, because of her internalized homophobia, that whomever the man is she is with now that she has not told him she had been in a ten year committed lesbian relationship after she divorced her husband in early 2005. I am also very sure that she didn't tell him that she left her loving girlfriend (me) because she was afraid of her mother finding out that her 46 year old daughter was a lesbian and had been her entire life. Instead I am fairly sure the story went along the lines that she had never met a guy that she was interested in enough since her divorce. So yeah. I am very sure my ex has lied about her sex life. I mean she is catholic, she can't appear to be to much of a tramp.

[anxiety5]

My ex was borderline with high traits of NPD. She began taking mood stabilizers and anti-depressants and it turned "off" the emotional swings. Unfortunately she refused counseling so while the "symptoms" of a greater illness were kept in check, it's not as if any healing of their cause took place. With the emotions gone, she became a sort of droid, and it greatly enhanced the Narcissistic aspects of her personality as they were left intact.

I think BDSM actually fits the personality profile quite well. Internal turmoil, (masochism) external rage at a target (sadism) and the need for control, one ups-manship and superior/inferior roles.

She was very verbal during sex. All of her fantasies were based off power, control, domination and in retrospect humiliation. She was turned on by cheating. And the more risqué the better. She would say things about us being "broken up" in the future. About her contacting me, and I would be powerless to resist her. If I was married in this scenario, that's even better to her. Her confidence became arrogance. She was very attractive but in bed if you commented about her body and how gorgeous or attractive she was her responses went from seemingly sincere thank you's to "I know" She pushed the limits several times talking about her being with someone else and me catching them, stuff about how she would make me be with her moments after him, etc. At first, whatever I don't mind getting a little freaky but everything changed when I found out she had cheated on me. Come to find out in retrospect I believe she was reliving some of her actual experiences vicariously by verbally acting out what exactly had really happened with me being an active participant. I imagine this gave her a sort of ultimate power trip. How she was somehow omnipotent and carrying out this orchestrated hedonistic life and I was supporting it. Pretty sick. I remember after she cheated I was devastated. I had tears in my eyes and she forced my head up and stared deeply into my eyes with what felt like an alien parasitic stare. As if she was feeding off my turmoil. I was so distraught. It was a total right hook to me. She refused to leave me, my house and seduced me immediately afterwards in what I now see was me not enforcing boundaries and her manipulating and rehooking me when my defenses were temporarily shattered. After that she actually said to me one time during sex "don't you think me doing that made this better?" I think I almost tossed her off me right into the wall. I was disgusted. It's one thing to be a bit kinky it's another to realize I don't even know what's real or just playing anymore. I refused these sort of verbal talks regarding that stuff afterwards and our sex life quickly went from pretty intense to mechanical, always me initiating, and always same position. The proverbial use of me as a sort of human vibrator you hear about online with some people. That's exactly what it was like. She also began withholding while doing things like initiating contact with me, even waking me up sometimes and her hand was in places it normally should or wouldn't be at 3am. And when I would respond and get kind of into things, she would stop and go to sleep.

Perhaps my ex had certain characteristics of sadism/domination particularly in her case, but I think the components are all there in the personality that support such behaviors. I have no doubts that if I had ever entertained a dominant/submissive or one way open marriage such as "cuckolding" that she would have done it in a second.

Mind you this person was totally 100% all american conservative girl next door in every other aspect of her life.

In retrospect, the earlier times when I was unaware and sort of played along, she said things that are looking back now incredibly insightful to her condition and character. She would say things like "You have to do whatever I say whenever I want or I won't do this anymore" like right in the middle of sex. To which of course I was like yep, sounds good!.  (planting seeds in my mind)

Looking back I was basically totally objectified and someone there to get her off, and to relive her conquests through with the added bonus of the rush of telling your own boyfriend about what were most likely real encounters.

Pretty sick stuff.

[Pretty Woman]

Ok so I AM vanilla and my ex claimed to be a dominatrix... .she actually met her ex (the one she briefly left me for) in a BDSM group.

I think it's the fact they are chameleons they morph into what they think appeals to their victim. We had crazy sex in the beginning but I am pretty conservative and that all changed. By the end we were sexless. I had no trust for this person who lied, cheated and stole from me. This person that was so deceitful and cunning.

Why it hurts when they dump and replace is beyond me. I am still in a deep depression over someone who lied to me. It's hard and it sucks.

[jhkbuzz]

Ok so I AM vanilla and my ex claimed to be a dominatrix... .she actually met her ex (the one she briefly left me for) in a BDSM group.

I think it's the fact they are chameleons they morph into what they think appeals to their victim. We had crazy sex in the beginning but I am pretty conservative and that all changed. By the end we were sexless. I had no trust for this person who lied, cheated and stole from me. This person that was so deceitful and cunning.

Why it hurts when they dump and replace is beyond me. I am still in a deep depression over someone who lied to me. It's hard and it sucks.

It's hard and it sucks, for sure. My ex lied and cheated on me, and I was in a funk about it for a long time. I think what hurts the most is that I admired her in many, many ways - so it was really tough to discover that this person I loved was not at all who I thought she was.

But here's the thing to remember: her behavior is not a reflection on you. Her behavior is a reflection on her. You are worthy of love, affection and tender care from someone who is whole and able to give that to you.

As time passes (about a year past the b/u, n/c for about 9 months), I'm looking more and more at what drew me to her in the first place. I chose to date her, I chose to move in with her - there were some flags in the beginning but I chose to ignore them because I was unhappy in my own life and saw her (and her daughter, i.e. "built in family" as a lifeline out of how I was feeling. I painted a picture of her that allowed me to get involved - as opposed to really looking at who she was and making a healthy, wise decision. That's on me, and I am digging deep to understand why I did that.

[UserName69]

Ok so I AM vanilla and my ex claimed to be a dominatrix... .she actually met her ex (the one she briefly left me for) in a BDSM group.

Do you think people who participate in BDSM activities are healthy? I saw a documentary once about BDSM (no not porn  ) and a lot of people who participated in BDSM activities suffered a lot of mental issues like sexual abuse etc.