Hi everyone,
I am so happy that this place exists. I would not be where I am right now if it wasn’t for all the support and stories I’ve read here. It’s empowering to see myself in many of your stories, and to feel the hope of those further on in the healing process. Many thanks to the admins and those who have sent me encouraging replies and messages. Stay strong everyone!
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I am now 22 days into n/c that I initiated. My uBPDex was a friend of 8 years, girlfriend for 8 months, and a fiancee for 8 days. You guys might remember posts from my earlier hectic days where I thought I was the one with BPD or the post where I was in anguish pondering about breaking n/c. The hardest moment came when she reached out to my parents. It was especially difficult because my parents actually really loved her and were honestly expecting grandkids down the line. I felt great shame telling them it was over (i didn’t go into detail), but they were so supportive. In these days of recovery, I’m starting to discover my true friends and family. It feels good to interact with people without the fear of them exploding in anger and criticisms. Egg shells? never again please.
- It’s a work in progress and there are many days where I falter. Last night was the first night where I did not have a nightmare. Perhaps it was the beers, friends, and fireworks of Independence Day... Anyway, overall I feel like things are definitely getting better. Here are some things I’ve discovered while detaching:
- Anger is slowly replaced by compassion - the more I learn about BPD, the more I realize the amount of hurt and pain they must be feeling at *all* times. Everyone deserves to be loved and it must be so difficult when you push away the ones you love. They are incapable of adult intimacy. Thinking back, I was confusing intimacy with intensity.
Realizing that some things can’t be fixed, at least not by me. I realized that I have a “fixer” side of me that kept me in the relationship. Letting go is hard, but I feel so relieved at the same time.
As I’m detaching, I’m seeing so many red flags that I missed over the 8 years. Things such as:
Splitting: while we were friends, she would split lovers and friends left and right. One day they’d be best friends or head-over-heels, the next minute they somehow let her down and she would put change them into orbitals. I remember meeting her partner from University from 8 years prior.
Telling me that she always cheated on her partners
Volatile relationship with her family
Upon getting engaged, I discovered a person who was very angry and lonely
Impulsivity: Substance abuse - she always used to drink as long as I’ve known her, but she was still drinking at least a bottle of wine per night. As adults, that’s fine, but I found myself starting to join her in hopes that her sweet side would return.
Impulsivity: promiscuity - Now, everyone has a history and I believe that sex is a good thing. It’s not that a high number of partners bothers me, but I’m realizing that if sex is used as a form of validation and in a risky way, that’s unappealing to me. I remember in university, she was taking anti-retrovirals
Fear of abandonment: I remember on a vacation, a friend of my ex slipped and said something about an ex. I didn’t mind, but my ex must’ve picked something up on my facial expression. She ensured me that he was still an ex and started to cry and begged me to never hurt/leave her
Mirroring: I saw a post by fromheel2heal that stated that the pwBPD is reflecting the best parts of us. And that the person we fell in love with is really us. How cool is that?
Thanks for reading and I apologize for the strange formatting. Internet is hard
Have a beautiful week everyone!
