Sister in law with BPD

[Annie8]

Hi! This is my first post and I am very hopeful to get some answers. My brother married a woman with BPD. Now 10 years later and three kids later she has finally isolated their family from my family. My brother is not allowed to talk to us and it seems like he has just given in to everything she wants. I really want to have a relationship with my neice and nephews and have them in our lives but it seems hopeless. She is in control of my brother's life and we cannot be part of it. After a year of my brother and his family missing things like the birth of my son being born, my other brother getting married, and lots of phone calls being ignored and presents being sent back he finally wants to see us! BUT is selfishly wanting to see us just because he wants to take his family to our beach house without any of us being there. It is my parent's house and right now they just want to be part of their grandkids' lives so they are almost wiling to do anything- even giving in to her selfish demands and ignoring the fact that she has written them off entirely for the past year. Isn't it enabling to let someone with BPD call the shots and use their kids as a way to get what they want? I have tried to tell my parents not to just let them do what they want without discussing what has happened this past year with my brother and his wife. I know it is ultimately their decision, but what can I do to help? Another thing is that I don't think my brother or his wife know that she has BPD. This is a lot to post but I wanted to get it all out there and get some advice. Thank you so much.

[understandnow]

Annie8 I read your post and sounds so much like my daughter writing this instead of you.  I am so sorry you are in a no win situation.  I am the mother of a son who is married to a uBPD person, who has alienated our family.  As much as you would love to have harmony in your family, I don't think you will have it.  I am in the process of healing from the grief of my own family separation.  You cannot control her or your parents.  You can control only you.  I am working on that.  My personal boundaries are that I see my grandchildren when it benefits them and I will love and adore them during those times.  When they are held from us I try to throw myself in my activities and other children and grandchildren.  Not sure if it is a BPD trait but I know when things benefit them, they will try to manipulate the situation to get what they want. 

Keep reading everything you can on this subject.  This site is so validating.  I'm feeling you more than you know.  Keep us updated.

[Annie8]

How do I reply to a post?

[Annie8]

Ok I think I just did. Understandn- thank you for your reply. My brother and his family actually want to come up and see us at my house but only if they can use the beach house. I really don't k ow what to do. I don't want to see my sister in law at all but I am dying to see my neice, nephews and brothers. Do I allow them to come or do I set a boundary and say that while you are treating my family this way that they can't come? I want to do what is right.

[understandnow]

Annie8. The reading I have done always say" do not call them on their behavior.  It will incite hostility in them.  that is up to you who uses your beach house.  You didn't say if you will be staying there at the same time.  Personally if that was my family of high conflict I would need an escape plan.  If they are staying with you, you do not have that. 

Can you give a little more info on the situation.  If it is your parents home then it gets a little tricky. 

[understandnow]

Annie8

My Dil told me I could see my granddaughter only if I buy her an American girl doll.  She told me all her other gifts I bought her broke within a week.  ( implying I bought her cheap gifts).  Needless to say I have not seen my granddaughter.  You do what you have to do with your personal limits.  But you understand that we, on this board, are fighting our own battles.  We understand yours.  The circumstances are different, the themes are the same.  Just do it with honesty and with integrity!

[Annie8]

Understandnow- thank you for you help and input. It means so much to me that you take the time to reply. I'm sorry you are going through a similar situation. Does your DIL know she has BPD? What about your son, does he know she has it?

So what you're saying is that I should not give into her demands, right? Right now that's what my parents are doing

[understandnow]

I think there are boundaries that are personal for everybody.  Only you can decide what you want to allow and what you don't.  You unfortunately have no control over your parents actions.  Hope this all works out and you get to see your nieces and nephews.  Hang in there and read everything you can to the right of these posts.  The articles really help to make you strong and secure in your actions.  You can't control their actions only your reactions to them.