He's in a panic - not sure what to do…

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

We had a good talk last night after a week of emotionally abusive silent treatment,etc. He asked me if I was "disgusted" with him. I told him I wasn't disgusted but his behavior had been difficult and that when he's abusive, I need to distance to protect myself - which really means I don't get into circular arguments and instead try to do SET. I cook, I clean, I offer to help him with whatever. There was more discussed but he remained calm and honest and agreed he was unpleasant would work on his hurtful behaviors.

Then this morning his panic set in. He left the house and I went about my morning. Apparently he'd left 5 messages while I was in the shower. He shows up as I'm trying to get out the door to work, furious that I ignored his phone calls (I was in the shower), and saying he's sick of being a disappointment to me and how he "had to listen to a list of" his failings last night and he can't live like this, etc. Then comes the inevitable "so what do you want to do about this relationship?" question. Ugh.

I validated. I got a little defensive. It was a short exchange - I let him know I can't be available 24 hours a day by phone, that everything is fine. He stormed out when the handyman showed up and I had to go out back to speak to him. Luckily he has therapy today.

I pray he's getting good advice from his therapist - I'm just imagining him going in there laying out a scenario in which I verbally abused and degraded him after "ignoring" him all week - his version of events.

I actually had thought we had a productive, adult conversation last night - felt a little hopeful dare I say - and back to this. A reminder to be realistic I suppose.

[satahal]

We had a good talk last night after a week of emotionally abusive silent treatment,etc. He asked me if I was "disgusted" with him. I told him I wasn't disgusted but his behavior had been difficult and that when he's abusive, I need to distance to protect myself - which really means I don't get into circular arguments and instead try to do SET. I cook, I clean, I offer to help him with whatever. There was more discussed but he remained calm and honest and agreed he was unpleasant would work on his hurtful behaviors.

Then this morning his panic set in. He left the house and I went about my morning. Apparently he'd left 5 messages while I was in the shower. He shows up as I'm trying to get out the door to work, furious that I ignored his phone calls (I was in the shower), and saying he's sick of being a disappointment to me and how he "had to listen to a list of" his failings last night and he can't live like this, etc. Then comes the inevitable "so what do you want to do about this relationship?" question. Ugh.

I validated. I got a little defensive. It was a short exchange - I let him know I can't be available 24 hours a day by phone, that everything is fine. He stormed out when the handyman showed up and I had to go out back to speak to him. Luckily he has therapy today.

I pray he's getting good advice from his therapist - I'm just imagining him going in there laying out a scenario in which I verbally abused and degraded him after "ignoring" him all week - his version of events.

I actually had thought we had a productive, adult conversation last night - felt a little hopeful dare I say - and back to this. A reminder to be realistic I suppose.

[once removed]

hey samanthal  

has the situation cooled down since? have you had a chance to kick back? i hope so. i understand exactly how stressful (to put it lightly) these relationships can be.

"I told him I wasn't disgusted but his behavior had been difficult and that when he's abusive, I need to distance to protect myself - which really means I don't get into circular arguments and instead try to do SET."

my advice is that you might not want to telegraph your punches, so to speak. he will get the message through your actions. through your words, he may simply hear "i need to distance myself". its a good plan, but announcing it can sometimes backfire. i remember in my case, being an introvert especially, i wanted distance and some time to myself, and it seemed like the times i wanted it most, id start getting texts or phone calls. i never ended up doing it, but several times, i thought about suggesting we limit/cut back our texting. im confident that would not have gone over well, just triggered abandonment fears.

how did the therapy go? how are things since?

[satahal]

Thanks One Removed.

He calmed down after therapy but his anxiety spiked again yesterday. He was up and down all night last night so I'm a bit foggy today.

I get why he's anxious and that's why I gave the explanation - suddenly I'd changed my style of relating to him and I could see why that would be confusing. He was so distraught and strung out about the whole thing it seemed cruel to just refuse to explain.

I think I am behaving very, very different from how I behaved before. Now, I'm aware of all the verbal and non-verbal corrections administered by him. It's no longer this unconscious thing - I'm aware - I feel it, I see what it is and I'm annoyed - even if I hide it.

For example: Last night we were watching a movie and he asked if I liked it. He gets very solicitous and worried I don't like movies he's selected for some reason - even though I'd watch anything and if I truly hated something I would certainly speak up. I assured him I was truly enjoying the film, that I liked cowboys and horses a lot and found it really compelling. His reply, "well he's not really a cowboy and it's not really about xxxx." I agreed by nodding and smiling and continued watching - Before I would have argued, it is about cowboys - they're on horses roping calves, etc.

Our whole conversational rhythm previous was him zinging, countering, correcting, etc, and me JADEing - even when there was no anger or tension, that's how we communicate. So it's not just the rages I respond to differently it's everything.

He's picking up on this and I can see when I don't argue back to one of his corrections he's tweaked - end result he was up all night, including asking me at 2:45 am if I was seeing someone else.

I feel like I'm both really boring to him and making him anxious by changing how I respond. Also, I just feel so disconnected from him and irritated with him. So basically we haven't had much time together than has felt pleasant or close. Maybe this is part of the process of instituting this communication changes.

[once removed]

"I get why he's anxious and that's why I gave the explanation - suddenly I'd changed my style of relating to him and I could see why that would be confusing. He was so distraught and strung out about the whole thing it seemed cruel to just refuse to explain."

that makes plenty of sense to me, sorry if i was off base. youre right that these changes, enforcing boundaries, changing boundaries, focusing on ourselves, can be very confusing to a pwBPD, and with anyone, really. nothing wrong with an explanation.

"For example: Last night we were watching a movie and he asked if I liked it. He gets very solicitous and worried I don't like movies he's selected for some reason - even though I'd watch anything and if I truly hated something I would certainly speak up. I assured him I was truly enjoying the film, that I liked cowboys and horses a lot and found it really compelling. His reply, "well he's not really a cowboy and it's not really about xxxx." I agreed by nodding and smiling and continued watching - Before I would have argued, it is about cowboys - they're on horses roping calves, etc."

excellent way to adapt! i can even see a bit of myself in needing to be right about the stuff i like, and i think nodding and smiling, avoiding debate, was a great move.

"Our whole conversational rhythm previous was him zinging, countering, correcting, etc, and me JADEing - even when there was no anger or tension, that's how we communicate. So it's not just the rages I respond to differently it's everything."

sounds exhausting! youve done the right thing by removing yourself from that dynamic.

"He's picking up on this and I can see when I don't argue back to one of his corrections he's tweaked - end result he was up all night, including asking me at 2:45 am if I was seeing someone else.

I feel like I'm both really boring to him and making him anxious by changing how I respond. Also, I just feel so disconnected from him and irritated with him. So basically we haven't had much time together than has felt pleasant or close. Maybe this is part of the process of instituting this communication changes."

no less exhausting, but i think youre right. i suspect he senses you are disconnecting a bit; thats okay, and it doesnt hurt to soothe to ease the tension. if a person is used to a particular action (on their part), and a certain reaction (on the others), and suddenly the dynamic changes, its natural to wonder whats up. i think youre right that its part of the process of instituting changes. think of it in terms of changing habits. not easy, right? with certain habits, some withdrawal? at some point, new habits simply become a way of life, rather than a struggle to change. now in this case its a relationship, not just one person changing a simple habit, but really changing the relationship, and it effects both parties. from what it sounds like, its a method for improving that relationship. that just doesnt happen over night. thats okay. hang in there, and keep posting. i think youre doing the right thing 

you may find this helpful, if you havent read it before. note in particular, "Remember that change is difficult to achieve and fraught with fears. Be cautious about suggesting that “great” progress has been made or giving “You can do it” reassurances. Progress evokes fears of abandonment."

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a105.htm

[satahal]

"Remember that change is difficult to achieve and fraught with fears. Be cautious about suggesting that “great” progress has been made or giving “You can do it” reassurances. Progress evokes fears of abandonment."

Thanks OW - That's interesting. I watched the video about validation (or maybe it was a different one) and I remember the therapist said "You can do it" is not a good thing to say to the BPD person.

He was very, very anxious all day today to the point that he showed up at home out of nowhere three times when I didn't answer his calls - very agitated. I stuck to my guns and didn't engage, just validated away. Finally, he calmed himself down. It's definitely akin to sleep-training a baby. Felt great to see him essentially soothe himself.

We had a very pleasant dinner tonight too. So a little relief - whew!