my son fell in love with a woman with BPD

[hurtafar]

My son fell in love in high school, his first love.  But she broke it off and he pined for her for years.  Then 2 years ago she reached out to him.  They got back together.  

She has an 8 year old girl who is sweet as can be; I thought too sweet, but ... .

My son paid most of her rent for a year, but couldn't find work in the state, so she agreed to move with her daughter.  I helped pack over a weeks time, and she could barely get off the couch.  :)idn't pack.  Said she was tired/stressed.  I went down after the move to help unpack.  Same story.  I cooked, cleaned, unpacked, and when my son got back into town I said something wasn't right.

Two days after leaving she told him 'I don't want to be with you, I'm moving back home.'  Over the next two days my son talked with friends and her mother.  I spoke with her mother once - telling her that she needed to get her granddaughter away from her daughter for a while.  Her daughter was not well.  She told me she thought about that, but that she could not do it as she can't leave her daughter alone.  What?  So I started to do some research.  

Her daughter called me and said she was just stressed, wanted to stay, but that my son said no.  I asked her to see a therapist and told her that the last two weeks I'd been with her were not normal.  She might be depressed or 'something else' but needed to talk with someone.

This woman has BPD in spades.  Her mother is in absolute denial.  Her friends are as well, although one stopped seeing her over the last 9 months and told my son she just couldn't handle her girlfriend's demands for time, emotional support, caring for her daughter without reciprocating.  

This is a nightmare and it's hurting my son; it's hurting me.  Is there anyway to get someone with BPD into therapy against their will.  I believe that everyone knows something is wrong, but won't talk about it.  I'm worried for her little girl.  Help?

[Kwamina]

Hi hurtafar

Welcome to bpdfamily  I can definitely understand why you would be concerned for her little girl. You asked her to go see a therapist because you believe there's something wrong with her behavior. How did she respond to you saying this? Do you feel like she in any way acknowledges that there might be something wrong or 'off' here?

I think getting someone into therapy against their will, is very difficult unless they pose a clear danger to themselves and/or others. How does she treat her little girl? How would you describe the relationship she has with her daughter?

Though BPD is quite a challenging disorder, there are people with BPD who through hard work and commitment have managed to better deal with their difficult thoughts and emotions which has allowed them to improve their behavior. For this to happen it is essential that the person acknowledges that there's something wrong with his/her behavior and subsequently fully commits to working on those issues.

[hurtafar]

She went only to tell the therapist that she was stressed with her move and leaving her friends.  The therapist was very sympathetic and told her that her feelings were perfectly understandable.  Not a good therapist, but then one visit makes it hard.

The little girl walks on egg shells, constantly keeping an eye out for disapproval from her mother.  She spilled spaghetti on her dress (she is always in dresses) and was dragged off to the utility room to change.  When she returned she was told to sit on her knees so she wouldn't spill again - chairs too low for her to reach table well.  When I asked if there was a booster seat, she said no, but that she eats at the TV. 

She also told me a secret, actually said I'm going to tell you a secret.  Her mom wasn't around.  She told me that her mom sometimes doesn't get out of bed until late afternoon.  She gets up, dresses herself, makes her own breakfast and lunch, even on days she goes to school. 

And no, this BPD doesn't believe there is anything wrong with her.  It's the people around that are not helpful enough, not supportive enough.  Her mother left 2 years ago, but up until then she raised the little girl.  I find out more every day, but the real issue now is that she is pregnant and is likely to abuse the second child over time.  I feel helpless to help, her family is afraid of her and her 2 friends have their own issues. 

[Kwamina]

Hi again hurtafar

The little girl walks on egg shells, constantly keeping an eye out for disapproval from her mother.  She spilled spaghetti on her dress (she is always in dresses) and was dragged off to the utility room to change.  When she returned she was told to sit on her knees so she wouldn't spill again - chairs too low for her to reach table well.  When I asked if there was a booster seat, she said no, but that she eats at the TV.  

Having a BPD mother isn't easy for a child. I have an undiagnosed BPD mother myself and walking on egg shells is something I can very much relate to. What did your son do when this happened?

She also told me a secret, actually said I'm going to tell you a secret.  Her mom wasn't around.  She told me that her mom sometimes doesn't get out of bed until late afternoon.  She gets up, dresses herself, makes her own breakfast and lunch, even on days she goes to school.  

Reading things like this only makes it clearer where your concerns for her little girl (and for the upcoming child) stem from. Do you believe your son is aware that his daughter sometimes has to prepare herself for school? Have you discussed this with him?

In your first post you mentioned that two days after leaving she told your son that she doesn't want to be with him and was moving back home. Later she told you she was 'just' stressed and wanted to stay but that your son supposedly said no. What is their current relationship status and are they still living together?

[hurtafar]

The little girl is not my sons.  She is from a previous relationship that ended before the child was born.  My son was told that he has no say about the little girl, not his daughter.  The mother gets very angry if anyone says anything when it comes to the little girl.  I reached out to the woman's mother to see if she could take the little girl for a while just to get her out of this woman's path, but she said she couldn't leave her daughter (the BPD) alone.  Apparently, she cannot be alone.  I guess that is part of the BPD's issue, but seems like the little girl is being sacrificed in favor of the mom.  :-(  She moved back to her home state and my son isn't responding to her texts.  They have mellowed over the last week; she says she is seeing a therapist and still wants to get back together.  I don't believe that is a good idea and my son says absolutely not.  His trust is gone; he cannot make her happy.  I thought with therapy things might get better, but frankly I doubt it.  After reading much about this disease, I don't think a relationship with a BPD sounds too promising.