Small things that leave me really upset.

[misuniadziubek]

After a few really nice conversations this morning, my pwBPD apologises for being so distant this week, but past events always make it a tougher week for him. "This week was rough as it always is, you know with the past and all, just more stressful, more preoccupied mind and all."

And I have no flipping clue what he's talking about. And I can't change that I don't know.

And asking will simply push him off the edge.

The irrational thought here is that if I, the person who loves him, the person he wants to share his life with, cannot remember past events that are a big deal to him, then that must mean that I do not care enough to remember these things. That I willingly choose not to be there for him.

I try to ask very gently. But he closes off anyways.

":)oesnt even matter. I have others that do, that were there for me. We're good. Just saying. You dont have to be there. If youre not going to bother, im not gonna drag you along."

I tell him 'That's really unfair for you to say that to me, because you know that isn't true.  I'm upset about you implying that and I  don't think I can continue this conversation."

"Yeeeep.

Like always. Why is that unfair? I think its true. If you dont have it in you to remember something like that, its not worth asking you to be there."

"I leave because you've left me feeling really upset. I don't think it's fair for you to accuse me of not being there for you, simply because I don't have a clear view on what you are talking about.

And frankly even asking you to clarify pushes you off the edge and upset with me, so I can't do that either.

It's really unfair because I try to be there for you all the time, and the moment I can't, you completely withdraw."

"I'm upset that you wouldnt remember about such a large thing to me."

"It just shows how confused I am here. Maybe you can explain it to me once you feel better. I'm sorry that these things cause you to feel so disconnected and distant. I wish they didn't but then again, you probably do as well. Have a good day, hon."

And that's it. End of conversation. But I'm really upset here. It's extremely unfair and this sort of situation repeats all the time. It's so distorted too. But I have to accept it. I won't get into a fight about it. He's gone.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[misuniadziubek]

Oh he also blocked me again. So that's fantastic.

Moments like this I just shut down, give up. I know he's going to be hanging out with some other girl now. It's just all so incredibly awesome. I am so glad that I went back to this bull-sh** after taking a break from him. *sarcasm*

It still hurts just as bad. It still feels so terrible. I almost maintained some boundaries for a while. But then I got so triggered when I found out he was hanging out with someone else, and I went back to old habits.

And then he blocked me. And I wonder why I cause myself so much pain when it's obvious that I can't handle any of this.

[goateeki]

Oh he also blocked me again. So that's fantastic.

Moments like this I just shut down, give up. I know he's going to be hanging out with some other girl now. It's just all so incredibly awesome. I am so glad that I went back to this bull-sh** after taking a break from him. *sarcasm*

It still hurts just as bad. It still feels so terrible. I almost maintained some boundaries for a while. But then I got so triggered when I found out he was hanging out with someone else, and I went back to old habits.

And then he blocked me. And I wonder why I cause myself so much pain when it's obvious that I can't handle any of this.

Why do you want to be with this guy? He sounds like a pain in the a$$.

[Daniell85]

Was part of the current situation an open agreement about seeing other people?

Is this the same girl he was hanging out with during your break with each other?

He blocked you because you triggered when you found out and tried to talk to him?

[misuniadziubek]

Oh he also blocked me again. So that's fantastic.

Moments like this I just shut down, give up. I know he's going to be hanging out with some other girl now. It's just all so incredibly awesome. I am so glad that I went back to this bull-sh** after taking a break from him. *sarcasm*

It still hurts just as bad. It still feels so terrible. I almost maintained some boundaries for a while. But then I got so triggered when I found out he was hanging out with someone else, and I went back to old habits.

And then he blocked me. And I wonder why I cause myself so much pain when it's obvious that I can't handle any of this.

Why do you want to be with this guy? He sounds like a pain in the a$$.

We just spent 36 hours together that were wonderful and validating and happy and healthy. We've been together 2 years and we are both in a good place in the relationship. Until today morning, when he gets triggered like this. And then it leaves me feeling like cr**.

He's been a wonderful partner to me lately. He helped me out with gas money so I could come up and see him, cooked me dinner, was very validating when I told him about my recent issues. He was really sweet to me until today. Today is something different. Today is dysregulation. And for all I know, he isn't even hanging out with this girl, but they are trying to manipulate her ex on Facebook. Just a bunch of really immature stupid stuff.

I get emotional and then I can't see through it. I cracked. I let myself get involved with this stuff instead of giving him space. That was my mistake. I made what was bad in the first place even worse. What's done is done.

[goateeki]

Oh he also blocked me again. So that's fantastic.

Moments like this I just shut down, give up. I know he's going to be hanging out with some other girl now. It's just all so incredibly awesome. I am so glad that I went back to this bull-sh** after taking a break from him. *sarcasm*

It still hurts just as bad. It still feels so terrible. I almost maintained some boundaries for a while. But then I got so triggered when I found out he was hanging out with someone else, and I went back to old habits.

And then he blocked me. And I wonder why I cause myself so much pain when it's obvious that I can't handle any of this.

Why do you want to be with this guy? He sounds like a pain in the a$$.

We just spent 36 hours together that were wonderful and validating and happy and healthy. We've been together 2 years and we are both in a good place in the relationship. Until today morning, when he gets triggered like this. And then it leaves me feeling like cr**.

He's been a wonderful partner to me lately. He helped me out with gas money so I could come up and see him, cooked me dinner, was very validating when I told him about my recent issues. He was really sweet to me until today. Today is something different. Today is dysregulation. And for all I know, he isn't even hanging out with this girl, but they are trying to manipulate her ex on Facebook. Just a bunch of really immature stupid stuff.

I get emotional and then I can't see through it. I cracked. I let myself get involved with this stuff instead of giving him space. That was my mistake. I made what was bad in the first place even worse. What's done is done.

Ok.  Just consider that this maybe is not the stuff of a good relationship.  It should be happy and really easy.

[Daniell85]

It's ok to take a big step back in order to center yourself and calm.  

Those kind of social site games upset me, too.

[misuniadziubek]

Was part of the current situation an open agreement about seeing other people?

Is this the same girl he was hanging out with during your break with each other?

He blocked you because you triggered when you found out and tried to talk to him?

Yes. Open agreement. We talk about it all the time. We are very transparent and open about it and deal with every insecurity case by case. There is no lying involved.

Yes, same girl. He told me that they are good friends but that he finds her too 'crazy and unstable' for a relationship. He and I are a constant and he considers me his best friend in all of this.

He blocked me because I got triggered when I found out, and I sent him some really passive aggressive comments - 'enjoy other people 'being there' for you since I obviously can't'

He's really upset that I can't remember. He says it was hard enough for him to tell me in the first place, but then me putting guilt on him for it really doesn't help.

Thing is, I'm only human. I make mistakes. I don't want to go back to this cycle anymore.

[misuniadziubek]

Ok.  Just consider that this maybe is not the stuff of a good relationship.  It should be happy and really easy.

I'm sorry, but that sounds like a pretty distorted idea.

Yes relationships shouldn't be -this- level of hard, but for now I'm committing to making that work.

Relationships aren't always happy either. They can be satisfying and stable, but not necessarily always the thing of happiness.

[goateeki]

Ok.  Just consider that this maybe is not the stuff of a good relationship.  It should be happy and really easy.

I'm sorry, but that sounds like a pretty distorted idea.

Yes relationships shouldn't be -this- level of hard, but for now I'm committing to making that work.

Relationships aren't always happy either. They can be satisfying and stable, but not necessarily always the thing of happiness.

In the past, I'd have agreed with you on the distorted idea thing.  Three years ago, I'd have viewed my hard work as a noble thing and told you that I was building something solid and great.  That's because I was viewing the idea of relationships through a particular lens. 

I've been in a relationship for nine months (after 19 years of marriage) that takes almost no effort and it is five times more satisfying than the best day of my marriage.  I haven't had a single anxious or difficult moment and I don't think she has, either.  It's just really easy and really satisfying and everything that happens in it seems to be the very organic outcome of who we are.  Maybe we're just super compatible.  Maybe we lucked out.  I don't know.  But I would not treat level of difficulty as an indicator of a good relationship.  I'm not suggesting you're doing that, but at the same time, I feel compelled to warn as many people as I can that, in my view, hard work does not equal good relationship.

[misuniadziubek]

Ok.  Just consider that this maybe is not the stuff of a good relationship.  It should be happy and really easy.

I'm sorry, but that sounds like a pretty distorted idea.

Yes relationships shouldn't be -this- level of hard, but for now I'm committing to making that work.

Relationships aren't always happy either. They can be satisfying and stable, but not necessarily always the thing of happiness.

In the past, I'd have agreed with you on the distorted idea thing.  Three years ago, I'd have viewed my hard work as a noble thing and told you that I was building something solid and great.  That's because I was viewing the idea of relationships through a particular lens. 

I've been in a relationship for nine months (after 19 years of marriage) that takes almost no effort and it is five times more satisfying than the best day of my marriage.  I haven't had a single anxious or difficult moment and I don't think she has, either.  It's just really easy and really satisfying and everything that happens in it seems to be the very organic outcome of who we are.  Maybe we're just super compatible.  Maybe we lucked out.  I don't know.  But I would not treat level of difficulty as an indicator of a good relationship.  I'm not suggesting you're doing that, but at the same time, I feel compelled to warn as many people as I can that, in my view, hard work does not equal good relationship.

You know what? Fair enough. After 19 years of being in a terrible relationship, full of anxiety and difficulty, you get to feel like a relationship without those things is easy and happy. I'm not going to question it.

Saying that, there is no nobility in trying to rescusitate  a dead horse. Relationship -shouldn't- be that hard, but I'm not a fan of shoulds either. If you are the only one doing the work, the relationship is kind of dead before you begin.

Why is mine worth it? Because we're both working at it. We're both trying to work things out to a successful relationship. He's actually going as far as figuring out more effective forms of communication. He's trying to integrate them. He's beginning to validate my emotions. We set boundaries. We name the defenses we use and call them out. He's still BPD. He can't manage his emotions but he asks more for space than ever and projects less. There is actual progress. Our fights are shorter and shorter. 

He tries to reflect on the relationship. He tries to be supportive. He admits it when he can't. He regularly tells me how much he appreciates my patience with him, the fact that I've been there for him, been his best friend longer than ever. He values me the way I value myself. He validates the difficulty I've gone through to be the partner he needs even if it's not the one he wants in the moment.

[goateeki]

Ok.  Just consider that this maybe is not the stuff of a good relationship.  It should be happy and really easy.

I'm sorry, but that sounds like a pretty distorted idea.

Yes relationships shouldn't be -this- level of hard, but for now I'm committing to making that work.

Relationships aren't always happy either. They can be satisfying and stable, but not necessarily always the thing of happiness.

In the past, I'd have agreed with you on the distorted idea thing.  Three years ago, I'd have viewed my hard work as a noble thing and told you that I was building something solid and great.  That's because I was viewing the idea of relationships through a particular lens. 

I've been in a relationship for nine months (after 19 years of marriage) that takes almost no effort and it is five times more satisfying than the best day of my marriage.  I haven't had a single anxious or difficult moment and I don't think she has, either.  It's just really easy and really satisfying and everything that happens in it seems to be the very organic outcome of who we are.  Maybe we're just super compatible.  Maybe we lucked out.  I don't know.  But I would not treat level of difficulty as an indicator of a good relationship.  I'm not suggesting you're doing that, but at the same time, I feel compelled to warn as many people as I can that, in my view, hard work does not equal good relationship.

You know what? Fair enough. After 19 years of being in a terrible relationship, full of anxiety and difficulty, you get to feel like a relationship without those things is easy and happy. I'm not going to question it.

Saying that, there is no nobility in trying to rescusitate  a dead horse. Relationship -shouldn't- be that hard, but I'm not a fan of shoulds either. If you are the only one doing the work, the relationship is kind of dead before you begin.

Why is mine worth it? Because we're both working at it. We're both trying to work things out to a successful relationship. He's actually going as far as figuring out more effective forms of communication. He's trying to integrate them. He's beginning to validate my emotions. We set boundaries. We name the defenses we use and call them out. He's still BPD. He can't manage his emotions but he asks more for space than ever and projects less. There is actual progress. Our fights are shorter and shorter. 

He tries to reflect on the relationship. He tries to be supportive. He admits it when he can't. He regularly tells me how much he appreciates my patience with him, the fact that I've been there for him, been his best friend longer than ever. He values me the way I value myself. He validates the difficulty I've gone through to be the partner he needs even if it's not the one he wants in the moment.

This is great.  It sounds like the basis of something that could work.  I'm happy for you and wish you luck.  Ability to reflect is really key.  Everything begins with self awareness.

[misuniadziubek]

My partner and I resolved this as best we could so far. He confronted me on my passive aggressiveness, explained how it's already so painful for him to talk about in the first place, so he'd hope that I would remember whatever it is that happened and that me guilting him for not being able to explain it just makes it that much worse and I explained to him why it ended up turning into that. How in some way not being able to figure it out on my own made me feel like I was 'failing' him, and that it's my own irrational insecurity and emotions that became too intense and I reacted.

He said he understood that. He told me that I can be for him the other 358 days of the year, but this week he'll just depend on his friends to give him some support.

It went from pure reaction to constructive conversation between us. And it's like: Wow! It's not just me! It's not just wishful thinking on my part or him temporarily not painting me black.  Things are actually better. We're both in this together. We're on the same team.

I still feel bad, though. I have a small inkling of gut feeling that perhaps this is about his mentor committing suicide. It was at some point last year, but my mind is kind of foggy on which month. He was his greatest confidante. His suicide hit him really hard.