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Author Topic: Cut off by ex-girlfriend with BPD  (Read 841 times)
soar
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« on: July 06, 2015, 02:31:38 PM »

Hi all,

So nearly 3 years ago my ex suddenly dumped me and swiftly cut me off. It was devastating.

We'd been together for 1.5 years and it was intense. My first love, it was amazing at the beginning but increasingly turbulent as time went by. I began to see an unpleasant side in my girlfriend and it deeply upset me. I'd decided that I was going to stick with her no matter what, I was going to be the one to give her the love she never had. Famous last words.

We were meant to be moving in together but we weren't getting on very well so I called it off and that was it. She changed, she no longer cared. The relationship didn't last much longer and then it just got plain nasty before she cut me off. I was in bits, I couldn't stop contacting her, I just had to know why. Why everything she ever said seemed to mean nothing now?

She was impenetrable. Everything I seemed to say would just go straight through her. She would pick out a few things to rip me apart about and do just that. I continued to contact her (like some sort of addict) before she went to the police. They sided with her and said she didn't have to give me an explanation. It was terrifying, I was in absolute hell and I was the bad guy too.

I only discovered BPD a few months ago so you can imagine the last couple of years have been a living nightmare, literally. I was confused, hurt and just about everything other emotion.

Now I believe she has BPD so I have some understanding which is great but it's still extremely difficult for me to let go. I wondered if anyone had any advice for me?

Thank you.
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rotiroti
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« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2015, 02:51:56 PM »

Hey there,

sorry to hear that, to not have closure and to replay the moments for three years must be exhausting. How did you find out about BPD? As you learn more and more about the condition, you'll realize that getting closure is next to impossible. Just peruse all of the posts here on the leaving thread -- sudden break-ups are dime a dozen. The success stories I've seen are those who learned compassion and self-love as part of the recovery. I'm also working on myself in order to find closure from within... .it's difficult!

I think you're in the right place by asking for help, keep on reading and posting.
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hurting300
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« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2015, 03:08:40 PM »

Everyone with BPD is different, but most of the females I've read about here do the "cut and run"... what she's doing is the silent treatment, it's passive aggressive mental abuse towards you. Not saying she is doing it on purpose because I don't know her. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself and cry about it. Get angry too. Just heal.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
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« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2015, 03:22:55 PM »

Thanks for your reply rotiroti.

to not have closure and to replay the moments for three years must be exhausting.

Yeah it's been hell, absolute hell. The confusion, no one understanding... .just awful. BUT having now, finally, found out about BPD, I do feel that I'm in a better place because things are starting to make sense.

How did you find out about BPD?

I was just searching google about 'being obsessed about my ex' and found a post on shrink4men. It mentioned BPD and I started looking into it then.

As you learn more and more about the condition, you'll realize that getting closure is next to impossible.

Completely agree, I see that now.
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soar
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« Reply #4 on: July 06, 2015, 03:29:58 PM »

Thanks for your reply hurting300.

Yeah the 'silent treatment' has been torture. I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone.

I completely agree, it's abuse. Sadly when the police got involved, they just couldn't see it. They had no idea, it's frightening really.

The only good thing I can say is I haven't contacted her for a long, long time. Probably 2 years now. I'm proud of myself for resisting because believe me, it's been a battle. I kept on returning to the idea that if I contacted her, I could set myself free. Thankfully I've now discovered BPD so I can stop putting my hope into a dead horse. There is no peace to be gotten from someone with BPD.
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« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2015, 04:30:40 PM »

Wow. Almost 3 years 'in the dark' wondering what happened - must have been hell!   I had 6 weeks in that state and it almost drove me mad. You're obviously made of tough stuff! Just keep reading and learning the lessons and you'll be fine.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #6 on: July 07, 2015, 07:24:07 AM »

Many of us have similar stories. Suddenly cut off without explanation, usually due to abandonment terror, which the BPD will never admit to. We fell in love at 250kph, and had to make the leap because we were living so far apart. She moved in with me, 4500km away from her home, and then the craziness began - long story there. Didn't know what BPD was at the time, but knew that something was WAAAY off about this girl. Distancing stage set in, then jealousy without reason, to meaningless arguments, devaluing, and suddenly she was gone. Took my phone, left her clothes, immediately captured another guy, a neighbor, and flaunted it at me. No explanation ever. Once she got one last thing from me (plane tickets home), I never heard from her again. Except that my phone rang two dozen times, with hang ups. It's a terrible emotional disorder. There is no way to understand. Just forgive, heal yourself, have no contact at all anymore, and live your own life. Your radar will be miles out there next time. You can live a normal life; she/he never will.

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« Reply #7 on: July 07, 2015, 08:59:07 AM »

Many of us have similar stories. Suddenly cut off without explanation, usually due to abandonment terror, which the BPD will never admit to. We fell in love at 250kph, and had to make the leap because we were living so far apart. She moved in with me, 4500km away from her home, and then the craziness began - long story there. Didn't know what BPD was at the time, but knew that something was WAAAY off about this girl. Distancing stage set in, then jealousy without reason, to meaningless arguments, devaluing, and suddenly she was gone. Took my phone, left her clothes, immediately captured another guy, a neighbor, and flaunted it at me. No explanation ever. Once she got one last thing from me (plane tickets home), I never heard from her again. Except that my phone rang two dozen times, with hang ups. It's a terrible emotional disorder. There is no way to understand. Just forgive, heal yourself, have no contact at all anymore, and live your own life. Your radar will be miles out there next time. You can live a normal life; she/he never will.

Yep. A couple of weeks ago I met up with her for the first time in 8 months and at the end, she gave this hug like she never wanted to let me go again and told me - "I am really sorry. I really didn't mean to lead you on, I really didn't. I know it sounds crazy to say right now, but I really cherish our friendship" It was like I was watching a woman who has no idea why she does what she does and why she sabotage a relationship she never wanted to lose. Hurts like crazy.
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« Reply #8 on: July 07, 2015, 09:17:03 AM »

I am so sorry you are hurting.

We've all been there. Look how many of us are on this board and how similar many of our stories are.

I hope this doesn't sound cruel... .you are very lucky if yours is a "cut and run".  You are hurting now but can get past this.

Mine is friends with every ex except the ones who had stronger boundaries and told her to basically "eff off".

My ex once called a friend 2x a year for ten years until this friend re-friended her.  This "friend" is her biggest enabler and a total f'off. She is just as big a loser as my ex and to this day my ex says horrible things about this friend.

Hence a pure example why you can't be friends with a BPD. They treat everyone like shyt.
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oor_wullie
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« Reply #9 on: July 07, 2015, 11:52:36 AM »

the first piece of advice anyone and everyone on this board can give you is NC. no contact. what you've described, about the contacts you made with her to try and elicit even a shred of understanding, or closure (which is *totally* understandable), leading finally to the police are very, very common. typical even. i've been through the same. and, get this, years after she went to the police to complain about me (luckily, they weren't impressed by her story), she got back together with me again (my own stupid mistake). as though she'd never tried to get me arrested, or fired from my job.

yes, i held a torch for her for years. most of us have been through that too. it's pretty normal. she chose you because you're a good person, the kind of person who'd try to help her, and would put up with a lot of her crazy crap.

then they dump you cold. you move in their eyes from a safe place, to a prison, or a bad person, and often in the blink of an eye. this is sometimes called "painting you black". in order for them to separate from you (because they have separation anxiety) they will make themselves believe that you're a very bad person. she'll tell her friends, or anyone who'll listen, about all the "terrible things" you did. all nonsense of course, but to her they're real. her friends will commiserate with her, and that will make it seem more real. getting third parties to buy into her lies makes them more real to her. because she cannot admit that she, in any way, did anything wrong. borderlines cannot take responsibility for the bad things they do.

when you got together, did she tell you about her ex's? all bad people? that's really common. they make you think you're the good one - the saviour. then they tell the same tale to the next poor person they hook. did she complain about other people in her life? people who hurt her or messed her about? another common theme.

NC. that's the only way. on these boards, and in the literature you'll find here, you'll read about similar or identical experiences. that will help. but the thing *you* need to do is never, ever to contact her again. delete her emails. delete her number from your phone. get rid of everything she ever gave you. i promise, sooner or later, even if you don't want to now, you'll eventually want to do it.

after my BPDex picked me up again about a year ago, and then finally dumped me again 10 months later, i finally got it. it's been 8 years all told! i threw away everything. everything. i'm even having a tattoo lazered off, because it reminds me of her.

NC is the best, and the only thing you can do. stay safe.
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rotiroti
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« Reply #10 on: July 07, 2015, 12:02:56 PM »

the first piece of advice anyone and everyone on this board can give you is NC. no contact. what you've described, about the contacts you made with her to try and elicit even a shred of understanding, or closure (which is *totally* understandable), leading finally to the police are very, very common. typical even. i've been through the same. and, get this, years after she went to the police to complain about me (luckily, they weren't impressed by her story), she got back together with me again (my own stupid mistake). as though she'd never tried to get me arrested, or fired from my job.

yes, i held a torch for her for years. most of us have been through that too. it's pretty normal. she chose you because you're a good person, the kind of person who'd try to help her, and would put up with a lot of her crazy crap.

then they dump you cold. you move in their eyes from a safe place, to a prison, or a bad person, and often in the blink of an eye. this is sometimes called "painting you black". in order for them to separate from you (because they have separation anxiety) they will make themselves believe that you're a very bad person. she'll tell her friends, or anyone who'll listen, about all the "terrible things" you did. all nonsense of course, but to her they're real. her friends will commiserate with her, and that will make it seem more real. getting third parties to buy into her lies makes them more real to her. because she cannot admit that she, in any way, did anything wrong. borderlines cannot take responsibility for the bad things they do.

when you got together, did she tell you about her ex's? all bad people? that's really common. they make you think you're the good one - the saviour. then they tell the same tale to the next poor person they hook. did she complain about other people in her life? people who hurt her or messed her about? another common theme.

NC. that's the only way. on these boards, and in the literature you'll find here, you'll read about similar or identical experiences. that will help. but the thing *you* need to do is never, ever to contact her again. delete her emails. delete her number from your phone. get rid of everything she ever gave you. i promise, sooner or later, even if you don't want to now, you'll eventually want to do it.

after my BPDex picked me up again about a year ago, and then finally dumped me again 10 months later, i finally got it. it's been 8 years all told! i threw away everything. everything. i'm even having a tattoo lazered off, because it reminds me of her.

NC is the best, and the only thing you can do. stay safe.

oor_wullie, wow you are on fire with the sage advice on this board. Let me get the timeline correct, you got back together with your ex 7 years later? That must be so hard and it's something I am struggling with too (that last sliver of hope = torch).

Glad to see you on here sharing your experience.

Going back to op, oor_wullie is correct. I've been trying to move on and the first step that has helped me more than anything is absolute n/c.
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soar
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« Reply #11 on: July 07, 2015, 03:25:25 PM »

I hope this doesn't sound cruel... .you are very lucky if yours is a "cut and run".  You are hurting now but can get past this.

Thanks for your response pretty woman.

A lot of people say that to me about relationships in general, just have a clean cut. But this was everything but clean and I won't ever be able to say I feel that it was best. It was torture - the confusion, betrayal... .it was all there in abundance. At the time all I wanted to know was why but I see now that things like that aren't possible with someone who has BPD. At the same time I can't say that people are better off staying in contact because I simply don't know what that's like.

All the best.
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soar
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« Reply #12 on: July 07, 2015, 03:36:33 PM »

when you got together, did she tell you about her ex's? all bad people? that's really common. they make you think you're the good one - the saviour.

Yes she did and it had that exact effect, it made me feel really special. I'm sure you can relate to this also: the fact that it makes you hate her ex's. But the stupid thing is, you just end up being one of those same ex's. Just someone who's going to get slagged off in her next relationship.

The NC things for me is actually quite strange I guess because it is something that has been forced on me. So it's just something that I've had to some to terms with. Rather than something I've had to choose to do. It's been extremely painful and for a long time I had a strong desire to contact her, before I even knew about BPD. There was always this idea that if I could just talk to her, I could become free from my pain. But I do take what you say seriously and certainly dont have any plans to contact her anymore. I know that nothing will come of it but pain.

I'm really sorry to hear of your troubles. All the best to you.
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Notsurewhattothinkofthis
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« Reply #13 on: July 07, 2015, 04:47:17 PM »

Thanks for your reply hurting300.

Yeah the 'silent treatment' has been torture. I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone.

I completely agree, it's abuse. Sadly when the police got involved, they just couldn't see it. They had no idea, it's frightening really.

The only good thing I can say is I haven't contacted her for a long, long time. Probably 2 years now. I'm proud of myself for resisting because believe me, it's been a battle. I kept on returning to the idea that if I contacted her, I could set myself free. Thankfully I've now discovered BPD so I can stop putting my hope into a dead horse. There is no peace to be gotten from someone with BPD.

See this here really makes me rage. Some Women (not all) go to the police playing the victim role. And of Course the male is always the bad guy and at fault. Women know this and take full advantage of it. The system is broken. This happened to me too. I was dragged out of my house by the neck by a cop that thought was the hero without questioning me or her. Please take of yourself. The road is tough but once you start to heal is a good feeling. It feels literally like getting out of jail.
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« Reply #14 on: July 07, 2015, 05:40:11 PM »

See this here really makes me rage. Some Women (not all) go to the police playing the victim role. And of Course the male is always the bad guy and at fault. Women know this and take full advantage of it. The system is broken.

I felt so let down by the police. I was being emotionally attacked by someone with BPD (although i didn't know it at the time) but I was the one getting the call from the police. What could be worse than having your loved one turn on you? The police turning on you too.

My ex showed them all the messages I'd been sending her (while in an awful, heart broken, desperate state) and the police said I was being irrational. I wasn't in any state to defend myself. Anyway a year later I spoke to the officer involved again and asked her if she looked at any of the messages my ex had sent me, she hadn't... .

I just don't understand how we can live in a world where someone can treat someone so badly and get the backing of the police. There is a serious lack of understanding there and it's people like you and I who are paying the price.

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oor_wullie
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« Reply #15 on: July 08, 2015, 04:14:41 AM »

Yes she did and it had that exact effect, it made me feel really special. I'm sure you can relate to this also: the fact that it makes you hate her ex's. But the stupid thing is, you just end up being one of those same ex's. Just someone who's going to get slagged off in her next relationship.

but don't forget - the person she talks to next to is being lied to. and is likely going to end up being in the same boat as you. eventually, they'll come to the same place and understanding as you have.

The NC things for me is actually quite strange I guess because it is something that has been forced on me. So it's just something that I've had to some to terms with. Rather than something I've had to choose to do. It's been extremely painful and for a long time I had a strong desire to contact her, before I even knew about BPD. There was always this idea that if I could just talk to her, I could become free from my pain. But I do take what you say seriously and certainly dont have any plans to contact her anymore. I know that nothing will come of it but pain.

i know what you mean about the enforcement of the NC. but you *can* take control. you have to determine never to return any of her calls, or attempts to contact you, should that happen in the future. that's really important. block her number. block her email. these are things you can *do*. get rid of everything you have that reminds you of her. anything she gave you. even things she liked. take it out and either throw it away, or give it to charity. delete every photo you have of her. make the disconnection *your* project, and own it.

the photo thing is really important. you might want to keep pictures, but ask yourself why. why would you want to look at them? to remind you of her? but remember what she was and how she treated you. why would you ever want to look at her again? delete the photos.

extract yourself from her social media. if that means you have to stop using it in some cases, then do that. you're clearly still hurting, and it's important to take things into your own hands. it will feel good to take some positive actions to create distance.

finally, when i told you earlier that she might get in touch at some point (because they so often do), did it give you a thrill? did you have a little glimmer inside where you were happy at the idea of her maybe trying to contact you? if you did, then that's perfectly understandable, but you need to know that if she ever contacts you, you aren't going to do anything more elaborate than hang up, delete the email, delete the text or message, or just walk right past her and not smile or shout or do or say anything. you're going to ignore her. that, i promise, will be the harshest possible thing you can do, should you ever want any payback (because anything else plays into her myth of you being a bad person), and it will also be the only thing you can actually do.

guard yourself. take care.
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oor_wullie
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« Reply #16 on: July 08, 2015, 04:28:49 AM »

I felt so let down by the police. I was being emotionally attacked by someone with BPD (although i didn't know it at the time) but I was the one getting the call from the police. What could be worse than having your loved one turn on you? The police turning on you too.

My ex showed them all the messages I'd been sending her (while in an awful, heart broken, desperate state) and the police said I was being irrational. I wasn't in any state to defend myself. Anyway a year later I spoke to the officer involved again and asked her if she looked at any of the messages my ex had sent me, she hadn't... .

I just don't understand how we can live in a world where someone can treat someone so badly and get the backing of the police. There is a serious lack of understanding there and it's people like you and I who are paying the price.

you really need to turn this on its head to get past it i think.

look at it this way - the police didn't back her up, because you didn't get arrested, and there were no real consequences for you either. if they'd really thought there was a problem, they would have arrested you, or charged you, or cautioned you, or maybe they would have put an exclusion order on you so you couldn't approach her. but they just told you to back off. that's because they didn't believe her. they had to do something, because she was probably being hysterically crazy, so they humoured her by calling you up, or approaching you, and telling you to back off. trust me, they didn't believe her, or care about her story, they were just doing the absolute minimum they needed to do to make her go away.

my ex did the same exact thing, except she didn't have any messages to show the police. she just described to the police what she saw as a pattern of stalking behaviour (she'd passed me in the street a couple of times... .that's literally all it was). they told her to contact me and tell me to stop bothering her. i was devastated, until i realised - they'd told her to contact me. if they'd really thought i was stalking her, they'd never for a moment have suggested she contact her stalker.

they didn't take her seriously. and neither did the cops in your case. in some ways, they were helping you - they let you see just how low she could sink. and they didn't take it any further than that.
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« Reply #17 on: July 08, 2015, 11:48:37 AM »

This was a hard thing to get over for me... .

Will she be better with the next one.  Well you bringing up the police made me think... .

When my ex left me last I was so devestated I begged her for answers. She was fleeing off to her ex in Minnesota. She thretened a restraining order on me.

I stopped all contact.

She shows up at my door a month later like she never said anything and I being a dum dum took her arse back.

We splice this crapola to take additional abuse. She also spit on me and almost broke my arm during that duration. These are total whack jobs. I am sorry. But they are not the issue... .

us taking back our abusers is the issue.
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soar
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« Reply #18 on: July 08, 2015, 01:56:01 PM »

finally, when i told you earlier that she might get in touch at some point (because they so often do), did it give you a thrill? did you have a little glimmer inside where you were happy at the idea of her maybe trying to contact you? if you did, then that's perfectly understandable,

It didn't tbh but I totally understand why you thought it might. I'm not sure whether it's because I think my ex is too proud/stubborn to go back on her word or because I'm really starting to see that my relationship wasn't what I once thought - I.E. it was just a pile of ___e basically.

but you need to know that if she ever contacts you, you aren't going to do anything more elaborate than hang up, delete the email, delete the text or message, or just walk right past her and not smile or shout or do or say anything. you're going to ignore her. that, i promise, will be the harshest possible thing you can do, should you ever want any payback (because anything else plays into her myth of you being a bad person), and it will also be the only thing you can actually do.

That's really tough for me because all I've ever wanted was peace... .which I know is a stupid thing to say when someone with BPD is involved... .but I only discovered BPD a month ago. I'm not sure what I think of the idea of ignoring her in the street atm, it's a lot to take in. You did say something that confused me a bit - "because anything else plays into her myth of you being a bad person". Can you give me an example?

Thanks for your thoughts.
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« Reply #19 on: July 08, 2015, 02:04:02 PM »

they were just doing the absolute minimum they needed to do to make her go away.

That's what my mum says actually. It's quite tough for me to truely except some of the stuff you said because at the time I remember the police woman saying something about ex not wanting them to arrest me, rather just get me to leave her alone. So I guess I've always thought that's why they didn't charge me but it was a long time ago. The cops could of just been saying that for all I know. And plus the fact that the police woman (when I spoke to her a year after) said my ex seemed like a nice girl... .or something like that. What I'm getting at is the fact I find it hard to believe that the cops didn't buy her victim story just like I bought it when we first got together. After all, people with BPD are very good at playing the victim.

Saying all this. I would say that since I've learnt of BPD, I don't think I hold such a grudge against the police or her dad (for example) because I'm now starting to understand that their is something far more sinister, far more uncontrollable at play.
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« Reply #20 on: July 09, 2015, 03:56:13 PM »

That's really tough for me because all I've ever wanted was peace... .which I know is a stupid thing to say when someone with BPD is involved... .but I only discovered BPD a month ago. I'm not sure what I think of the idea of ignoring her in the street atm, it's a lot to take in. You did say something that confused me a bit - "because anything else plays into her myth of you being a bad person". Can you give me an example?

Thanks for your thoughts.

i think i can. let's just remember for a moment that in her world, you are a person whom she needs to call the police on to make you go away. that's what she believes is necessary, and that's what she feels is a proportionate, appropriate action in response to your need for closure.

also, you said "She would pick out a few things to rip me apart about and do just that". and you talked about how she suddenly cut you off too.

this all fits with BPD. the slow change from you being her knight in shining armour to someone "bad", then suddenly cutting you off entirely and refusing to speak to you, or to listen to your requests for closure. that's all BPD stuff.

so, you bump into her in the street. well, to be honest, no matter what, this is a person who's called the police on you, so your *only* choice is to walk away, or past her, and say not one word. that's just basic advice.

but adding to that the BPD... .so, how would that conversation go? what would you want to get out of that conversation assuming that she didn't just dial 911 right there? and what would *she* want to get out of it - because THAT is the most important question. what does SHE want to get out of a conversation with you? what did she want in the past, and what is she likely to want now?

you already know the answer. but i guess i can talk from my own experience.

if you want closure, you might want to ask her why she did this thing, or that thing. but she's BPD, so she cannot accept any blame for anything, because that would shatter her precarious self-image. so you ask why she did this hurtful thing, she tells you how dare you bring that up, that sh*t was all YOU. or she tells you why are you trying to make her feel bad bringing that horrible thing up again? or she says any other thing to deflect that stuff away from her. you apologise? maybe. but will that make you feel better? after that, guess what? she has more "ammunition" for herself about how mean you are bringing up all that bad stuff. it plays to her myth.

or maybe you tell her you're in pain. but she cannot empathise - they can't do that either. she'll see that as you telling her she is making you feel pain. again, she tells you why are you trying to hurt HER by telling her she hurt you? like she's a bad person, you're making her feel dirty/bad, or whatever. you apologise again. and so on. plays to her myth.

these are both examples from my experience. later, she brought these up as examples of how mean/crazy i am. played right to her myth of me as the bad person.

here's another. she sees you first, walks up to you smiling. you think maybe this is it, she's seen me and wants me back. she hugs you, then steps back and tells you not to be sad, it never would have worked anyway, and by the way she's so happy now because she's now with her ex/husband/new boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever and she's doing great, aren't you happy for her. again, my experience. that one was probably the worst i've ever felt - i wished afterwards i'd pushed her aware instead of let her touch me. a judas kiss. that played to her myth of me as a weak, pathetic fool.

so you can get angry and tell her she did this or that. which won't do any good. you can try and elicit some sympathy for her, which she cannot give you. or you can say any number of things that she'll process as you trying to hurt her, or you being weak.

basically, there's literally nothing you can say to her that she will want to hear, other than stuff that will leave you feeling drained and empty, like just complimenting her, or telling her she's wonderful, and even that stuff (trust me) can cause her to just look at you with pity and contempt.

if you want peace, then stay away from her. that's really the only thing you can do. and that will bring you peace. but that's easy to say. it's harder to do, and i appreciate it's a struggle.

the last thing i wanted to pick up on is from your last message. your mum is right. the cops weren't taken in, because they've had to deal with "crazies" like her a lot more than you have. to them, she's just another nutball. they might think you are too. but they don't care. if they did, then you'd have been in trouble, but they didn't because to them her story was probably mostly a load of bull, but they have to do something because there's probably some truth to it, so they did the absolute minimum they could do.

BPDs are really good at selling themselves when they want to. they are master manipulators. one of the worst aspects for us is knowing they're out there, and their friends and family and people at work probably think they're great.  that's how my exBPDgf was. it made me sick to think everyone in her life thinks i'm an a**hole. well, so be it. nothing i can do. i'm the winner, because i've seen what she really is, and i am out of her life. dodged a bullet.

you should dodge it too. if you see her, walk on by. give her an angry look if you like. but don't open your mouth, and don't say a word, and do not look back. that's what i finally did, and every time i play that back in my head, i feel proud of it. if i'd done anything else, i know it would have ended like every other encounter i had like that, which i cannot bear to remember. but this last one is gold. i promise!
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« Reply #21 on: July 09, 2015, 04:48:40 PM »

You make a strong case, thank you for taking the time to explain it to me.

I guess the only thing you've not mentioned that I've been thinking about is sympathy for her and her suffering because of the disorder. I've just been searching 'are people with BPD aware of what they're doing'.

For example I read this on Shrink4Men - "But for the splitting to manipulate you properly, she needs to give you something you’ll miss later on when she takes it away. Hence the “cute, adorable” love-bombing you received in those first few weeks." It sounds as though they're suggesting the initial lovey stage is actually very sinister... .which is taking it to another level for me. I'm not sure if that's accurate. I've also read things that suggest they have genuine hopes for a relationship during that stage. If they didn't why would they go into another relationship if not because they believe it might be different this time?

I can strongly relate with you struggling with the fact that she's out there without a care in the world and nobody actually realises how cruel she is. That something I've really struggled with, essentially letting my ex go completely punishment free after treating me like I'm worthless. But I would say that since I've learnt more about BPD, I now see that she has very deep seeded issues that make some of the most wonderful things in life, extremely painful... .so it isn't as I first imagined.
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« Reply #22 on: July 09, 2015, 04:57:12 PM »

For me it helps to realize that they feel extremely strong emotions. Emotions that when they come, they will sweep away everything else that was there before. So that's why when they're angry after splitting you black, they will not be able to remember the good times. If the emotion doesn't match with the memory? They might even re-write events in their head to fit the emotion and they will believe it as absolute truth.

Also with BPD it's a disorder of attachment. Remember what I said about the strong emotions? They're constantly filled with anger, fear, and shame. Add to that a lack of a sense of self... .when they find someone they think can rescue them from these emotions and lack of identity, they will attach. This intoxicating attachment filled with mirroring and love-bombing is intense and it's easy to be addicted to it. During this attachment phase they will view this rescuer in perfect light, they can do no wrong. Eventually and inevitably when the rescuer makes a perceived mistake or trigger fear of abandonment or engulfment, the rescuer takes on the role of the persecutor. A source of all of their problems and this where the blaming and criticizing comes. You've become a trigger.

My understanding is that pwBPD do not realize what they're doing. They're scared and it's the only way they can deal with that inner turmoil. When you can start seeing it from their broken POV, i think that's where you can start having compassion/sympathy for them. They're really sick and the worst part is, only they can help themselves.

As strong emotions go, they don't go away either. One intense emotion after the next come sweeping through the pwBPD. Maybe during this splitting phase they'll remember an ex husband, partner, or new rescuer and split them white. Repeating the process all over again. When that attachment goes sour, they might even come back to you!
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oor_wullie
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« Reply #23 on: July 10, 2015, 05:14:04 AM »

You make a strong case, thank you for taking the time to explain it to me.

I guess the only thing you've not mentioned that I've been thinking about is sympathy for her and her suffering because of the disorder. I've just been searching 'are people with BPD aware of what they're doing'.

you're right to feel sympathy. you're a good person, and so it's natural to feel that. but this is at the root of why people find it so hard to break free from a BPD. we're good people, the kind that give them what they think they need  - sympathy, understanding, empathy, patience. it's not deliberate on their part that they find us and hook us - they're as inevitably drawn to us as we are to them.

it's the empathy and sympathy that connects us to them at first, and it's part of what keeps us orbiting them long after. that's why the NC - the only way out is to cut one's self off entirely. any little taste you get of her is likely to elicit your sympathy, and draw you back in. and they play on this - not deliberately as such, it's just in the natures.

the first thing out of my exBPD every time she "recycled" me (three times now), was some horrific sob story about how awful her life had become. and i'm sure it had. just as i'm sure that, if she'd really wanted to, she could have sorted out those problems herself, because she caused pretty much all of them. she had a choice, just like every human being on this planet. instead she ducked the problems she herself had caused, by leaping into another relationship with me.

and i fell for it every time. because she'd look at me with those extraordinarily beautiful eyes, and every fibre of my being told me that i was the one, i could save her, i would protect her from this hurt.

don't sympathise. she's in pain, but she's doing that to herself. she's an adult. as a child, my heart weeps for her, but as an adult she's a monster. the BPD is a cause of much of her problems, but it's not an *excuse*. she's able to think, and to decide, and she chooses the easy option every time - the easy option for *her*.

finally, the most common theme with people who've accepted help, and are recovering from BPD (there's no possibility of being fully recovered), is that they first had to reach rock bottom. the only thing that will help her is when every one of those supporting structures she's built up around her is broken down. so long as she has an emotional crutch to feed off, she'll perpetuate the cycle.

therefore, if you really do want to help her, deny her your sympathy, and your love, and deny her YOU. anything else, and you're giving booze to an alcoholic. you cannot save her. you cannot have a relationship with this woman. no one can.

take care of you.
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« Reply #24 on: July 11, 2015, 07:47:48 AM »

in order for them to separate from you (because they have separation anxiety) they will make themselves believe that you're a very bad person. she'll tell her friends, or anyone who'll listen, about all the "terrible things" you did. all nonsense of course, but to her they're real. her friends will commiserate with her, and that will make it seem more real. getting third parties to buy into her lies makes them more real to her. because she cannot admit that she, in any way, did anything wrong. borderlines cannot take responsibility for the bad things they do.

when you got together, did she tell you about her ex's? all bad people? that's really common. they make you think you're the good one - the saviour. then they tell the same tale to the next poor person they hook. did she complain about other people in her life? people who hurt her or messed her about? another common theme.

I want to just reiterate how common this truly is.  After we didn't see each other for a week and I told my former friend BPD that I couldn't hang out with her over the weekend because I had other plans, she tried to tell me that it wasn't a big deal.  I know this wasn't the case because she used to get upset every single time I made plans with someone else or did something fun without her.  The next day, she found some completely illogical reason to rage at me, after I tried to bring up the fact that she always expects me to change my schedule to accommodate her. 

Of course, she didn't want to tell her boyfriend that she had cut me out of her life.  I eventually told him, and he was shocked and disgusted by her actions.  She told him to stop talking to me, but she wouldn't give him a reason why.  Eventually, when it became clear that he was still talking to me, things suddenly changed.  He stopped replying to me, and she started ramping up her love-bombing with him.  Now, I look like the bad person.

And yes, when I met her, she told me about all the awful people she had dated and about how awful her dad and step-mom are.  She complained about how awful her roommate was.  Eventually, she started complaining about how awful her current boyfriend is.  Now, she's telling everyone how awful I am. 
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
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« Reply #25 on: July 11, 2015, 07:57:15 AM »

Thanks for your time again or_wullie.

I did read this on another site that's interesting: "First of all you should have no more contact with her at all. It is a mental illness that is contagious, cutting off the source of the infection is essential."

It's an interesting way of looking at it. Since I asked you about sympathy my feelings have actually changed quite quickly. Rightly or not... .I'm not sure. Basically I heard a little story about my ex and as always it was shockingly painful to hear. But it also put those thoughts in my head of her swanning around without a care in the world and that takes away all my sympathy. I just really need to find a way to let go of my ex so I hear/see something and not be effected by it because I'm a better person than her and deserve to be with someone better too.
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oor_wullie
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« Reply #26 on: July 11, 2015, 09:24:56 AM »

Thanks for your time again or_wullie.

I did read this on another site that's interesting: "First of all you should have no more contact with her at all. It is a mental illness that is contagious, cutting off the source of the infection is essential."

It's an interesting way of looking at it. Since I asked you about sympathy my feelings have actually changed quite quickly. Rightly or not... .I'm not sure. Basically I heard a little story about my ex and as always it was shockingly painful to hear. But it also put those thoughts in my head of her swanning around without a care in the world and that takes away all my sympathy. I just really need to find a way to let go of my ex so I hear/see something and not be effected by it because I'm a better person than her and deserve to be with someone better too.

yes, it is contagious. but not in the sense that *you'll* get BPD. it simply inflicts damage on adult people who find themselves caring about, or in love with, the BPD person. in adults, it affects our ability to form new relationships, because it's hard to detach from a BPD, and because it's subsequently hard to trust anyone else.

in children, it can cause horrendous problems. i've copied the following from an article on BPD parents:

"Predictably, however, as soon as the baby has independent striving, the borderline parent experiences abandonment at the hands of their very own child. Such abandonment or individuation is impossible for the borderline to tolerate and thus they react to their own child with distaste, anger, ignoring behavior, and they use any other means necessary to thwart their child's independence. The child learns that independence and individuation is horrifying to the parent, on whom the child absolutely depends for everything. The child then adapts to the parent's needs by maintaining some level of merger with the parent, and denying their own need for recognition of their true nature and/or independence. The behavior developed by the child is only the behavior that is pleasing to the parent, and thus does not reflect what is specifically special in the child. "

after a while, even the least little thing will cause you pain. i can totally sympathise with your experience of hearing a little story, and having it be painful. even the tiniest bit of info about my exBPD partner throws me into a near-panic. that's very common. don't be phased by the fact that you are so affected by hearing something about her - that's part of the way BPD "infects" us. i tend to see it was being very similar to seeing a ghost. it's almost a supernatural dread when i hear about her. it's probably because the reality of her that we experience (the horrible behaviour, the attacking, the mood swings, the raging, etc) is so different to the version of her that she presents to the world. which is why it's so hard to think about her swanning around without a care in the world.

if it's any consolation - the "without a care in the world" thing is a total act. they are constantly beset by self-doubt, and need to surround themselves with sycophantic a**hole "friends", and drink/drugs, to feel even something approaching normal. and, of course, they need to attach themselves to some good person like you, and then suck them emotionally dry like some kind of obscene vampire.
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soar
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« Reply #27 on: July 11, 2015, 10:22:23 AM »

Thanks for your thoughts on all this stuff oor_wullie. It's really helpful.

The stuff you posted about pwBPD as parents is interesting and something I've previously wondered about because I believe my ex really wanted children.

I really need to detach from my ex, it's horrible to think of the impact it's having on my love life now. I can't help but always be on the look out for her when I'm back home though. Wondering if I'll see her in a car or walking along the pavement. It's horrible. I'm not quite sure what it is that keeps that hope (of seeing her) there. I've often felt that it's because she cut me off and her not seeing/speaking to me was the power she held over me.

I have since thought about that 'little story' I heard and realised it's the first time since the breakup I've ever heard of my ex being with someone else. Basically she was out in a city and was trying to convince her friend to go out with her because she wanted to see 'some italian guys' she was seeing at the time. It's obviously incredibly hurtful to imagine my ex with someone else. I would say that one of/if not my biggest issue is around sexuality. My attraction to her the rejection I felt when she cut me off was utterly devastating for me.
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« Reply #28 on: July 12, 2015, 06:25:40 PM »

You make a strong case, thank you for taking the time to explain it to me.

I guess the only thing you've not mentioned that I've been thinking about is sympathy for her and her suffering because of the disorder. I've just been searching 'are people with BPD aware of what they're doing'.

For example I read this on Shrink4Men - "But for the splitting to manipulate you properly, she needs to give you something you’ll miss later on when she takes it away. Hence the “cute, adorable” love-bombing you received in those first few weeks." It sounds as though they're suggesting the initial lovey stage is actually very sinister... .

The quote above is from an unanimous blogger, themaskandrose, warning readers about "love bombing"... .and it contains the whole predator and prey theme and bash style... the implications of premeditation most often don't make sense when you consider that this is an impulse disorder and pwBPD are hopeless romantics.

https://themaskandrose.wordpress.com/2013/10/09/beware-the-love-bomb/

To your question, thought - is she aware of what she is doing.  Yes.  :)oes a alcoholic know he is drinking away his paycheck, or does an obese person know they are eating cake - of course. Can they stop the urges and impulses - to an extent - and at times (like stress) its very hard.

Frustrating answer? It is.

I think you are asking the right questions.  Look at what she has done, and the struggles she was working with at the time and decide.  


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