"I want a divorce" "You don't deserve me"

[Chosen]

  Just popping in after a while.

A few days ago we had an argument.  Nothing major (as is the case 95% of the time at least).  And anyway, uBPDh said "I want to divorce you".  I felt really hurt (any wife would, right?), and then he rambled on about how I don't deserve him, etc.  This doesn't happen a lot now, but it does happen, and I said to him (out of hurt feelings), "Thanks for preparing me for when you actually leave me.  I guess I won't be surprised."

I want to know does anybody hear these words often too?  I suppose "I want a divorce" is probably him voicing out his feelings ("I want to get away from you now", and "You don't deserve me" is probably projectiong ("You think I don't deserve you."  But what I said is true... .the more he says it the more I would find it hard to trust him.  Like he could just pack up and leave because he's always contemplating it.  The fact is, I don't know if he always contemplates it or it's just a spur of the moment thing, but he throws these phrases around a lot.  Is it healthy to just ignore all these words of anger though... .do they mean something?

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[ptilda]

I heard it every time I looked the wrong way. I forgot to bring some papers to him that he thought he needed (turns out he didn't, and ended up having to send them back), and he literally grabbed my hand and forced it open and took my ring off my hand.

I asked if he had seen my prescription and he flew into a rage about "why are you always for looking for something against me?" I informed him I only am looking for my prescription. But that was grounds for divorce.

I planned a trip FOR him to see his cousin, at HIS request and with HIS planning and the morning of (after I cancelled my appointments for the week FOR HIM) he accused me of manipulating me into it and forcing him to do what I want him to do. He called me a "crazy b___" and I said, "this is why you have problems in your relationships" and he proceeded to attack me physically to the point I had to call the police... .worst physical fight ever, and because I called the police on him, out marriage was over.

Of course we made up later through my quiet acceptance and him telling me that he would give me another chance (no admission of wrongdoing, or apology).

Then I dared to mention money ONE time, saying, "when you get paid, I could use some help with the money" since I'd been paying the bills since he moved here (he came from Haiti and got his visa in January). That was is. He moved out on to the balcony, leaving his stuff stacked in the livingroom and giving me almost complete silent treatment with only a couple of breaks, for over 2 months.

This was all before I was aware of the (probable) BPD.

He moved out, and I am finally able to come home without fear and dread. But I love him, and I will do whatever it takes to make this work. But without him doing his part, I can only do so much.

Prayer works wonders! I have a sister and a niece and several friends who prayed their way through extremely similar situations. Now they have great relationships. One friend actually DID divorce him after the violence happened in front of the kids, but they remarried and have an amazing relationship... .he's not the same guy. Prayer is the ONLY thing I've seen to work on the long-term basis.

[Butterfly12]

My husband said this. Right before he flew into the rage that had him arrested and unable to have any contact with me for a year. He still refuses to be in the same space as me alone because he is afraid I will have him arrested again for physically assaulting me in front of our two year old and 3 week old.

What I understand, now, two years later, is that it wasn't so much that he wanted to "divorce" me. It was that he was needing space and didn't know how to change how he felt, and so he put it on me. And thought somehow that if he changed the part that was ME in the scene, it would also change his sadness.

I told him calmly and carefully, that I didn't think that divorce was the answer and that I thought we needed to talk out how we were feeling. Obviously that was not the answer he needed.

It's incredible to read all these stories of people's lives and see so many similar sad things.

He still says in counseling that he doesn't think I "deserve someone who doesn't treat me the way I need to be treated." It's a really hard realization to come to that I need to step back and treat him exactly as I would my young children when they are angry.

[raggedy_ann]

My uBPDh often tells me, you're so lucky you are married to me.  I never criticize you, I'm like, your best friend.  Aren't you glad you have me.  Sad thing is, that's not how I feel at all, but he sets me up where I know I can't tell him honestly how I feel about the comment.  Anytime I mention anything that could even be construed as negative towards him, he flies off the handle, so to keep the peace I smile and nod.  Wish I could have an actual real conversation with him about actual real feelings and thoughts I have, but literally, I can't say a word.  He only mentions divorce, (he is actually a divorce attorney, so the word is common around here, but when referring to me, not so much) when saying things like, if we ever get divorced, I get the kids.  Or, "if you ever try to take these kids from me, I'll take them to Mexico or Canada and you'll never see them again".  He's so loving and kind right?  I have mentioned divorce to him only once.  When we were married a few years, and I felt like he was always mad at me, I wrote him a letter stating that I feared if we didn't figure out what was wrong with the relationship, things could only get worse, and I was afraid eventually it might end in divorce.  I wasn't threatening it, just stating how I was afraid of it.

[formflier]

[  Is it healthy to just ignore all these words of anger though... .do they mean something?[/quote]
Great question!     

For a very hurtful topic.

My short answer is yes... .the less attention paid to this... .the better. 

I'll try to stop back by this thread later... for a bit of a longer answer... .

Chosen,

Sorry you had to hear that      I'm glad we can help you talk through it.  I heard similar things about a week ago... .always tough to hear.

FF

[ColdEthyl]

My husband does this, but more often it's the opposite. He tells me I should divorce him because i deserve someone better. It's more of the martyr ploy in his case. He will talk about how much of a loser he is, and how stupid I am to have married him.

[vortex of confusion]

My husband used to throw out the divorce card a lot. For that matter, so did I. It was this weapon that he and I threw around at each other. I stopped using it after I found this site. He continued to use it for a while until one day I said, "Okay. Let's do it. What is it going to take?" And I started talking about all of the logistics such as who would pay what bill, etc. He got snotty and said, "Oh, I see you have been planning this." To which I replied, "Nope, I haven't been planning it at all. I am not going to argue with you about this. If you want a divorce, I am going to give it to you without a fight."

My tone was dead serious. I didn't react in the hurt manner. I didn't beg him to stop saying it. I just didn't react at all and became very businesslike. He didn't bring it up in that context ever again. 

[ptilda]

My husband used to throw out the divorce card a lot. For that matter, so did I. It was this weapon that he and I threw around at each other. I stopped using it after I found this site. He continued to use it for a while until one day I said, "Okay. Let's do it. What is it going to take?" And I started talking about all of the logistics such as who would pay what bill, etc. He got snotty and said, "Oh, I see you have been planning this." To which I replied, "Nope, I haven't been planning it at all. I am not going to argue with you about this. If you want a divorce, I am going to give it to you without a fight."

My tone was dead serious. I didn't react in the hurt manner. I didn't beg him to stop saying it. I just didn't react at all and became very businesslike. He didn't bring it up in that context ever again. 

I've considered a similar approach. He swears he wants a divorce, even got police-accompaniment so he could move his stuff out, and the cops were called by someone "representing" him, so either a therapist (I doubt it) or lawyer (more likely). But I know he can't divorce me without it causing huge issues, so I'm thinking I might go ahead with this if I don't get some serious changes in a certain amount of time. Was even thinking about giving him a time frame. Arranging to meet with him and decide what the terms would be. But that's a bit down the road for us... .I'll give him some room first.