Sad about my upcoming wedding

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello forum,

My wedding is quickly approaching this September and I have a lot of feeling I don't know how to deal with. This might be long but I could really use some help.

To put the last 8 months in a nutshell:

My fiance (F) and I decided, in October, we wanted no children at our wedding. From the beginning we made a clear exception for my uBPD sister's two young boys (aged 2 and 4), who were invited to the reception and all festivities. I only asked that they be babysat for our very short 20 minute ceremony to avoid interruptions. I offered to pay for multiple sitters and set aside a very nice playroom near the ceremony. uBPD sis, in response, raged like never before, and spent 10 hours texting me the most horrible things anyone has ever said to me. A few highlights: "You're a selfish unloving brat, showing me your hideous colors," "you're a parasite to the family," and "you treat me like dog sh*t and expect me to bow down to you. You have NEVER loved me." She said things as ridiculous as "I gave you advise your whole life and you scoffed at me and always did it YOUR way. You deserve all the sh*t that falls on your head" (I graduated with honors from college and am currently a medical student graduating next May... .I think I'm doing just fine), "What in your life have you done for ME?" and even "your wedding isn't all about you." That last one really highlights the state of mind she is in.

After that, I was frankly horrified at her behavior and saw that she had no interest in actually talking to me. Believe it or not she continued to escalate things over the following weeks, agreeing to, and then backing down from, different compromises we made about who will care for the children during the ceremony. I think she believed I would back down eventually and allow the kids at the ceremony, but I held my ground. She refused to allow her extremely reasonable husband to be a part of the conversation, probably to maintain her power over the outcome, and eventually said that he was not to be a groomsman since he "is the only person I trust to care of our kids, and you won't let mom and dad take care of them" (duh - I want them at my ceremony?) I asked her to have my bro-in-law to please call F to decline the invitation to be a groomsman (which, by the way, F took extremely personally). She absolutely refused, said he was not to be involved, and that he didn't care about being in the wedding party, which I don't believe. Obviously I am suspicious she is telling my bro-in-law a very twisted story that is far from the truth - but it's hard to tell since she refuses to allow us to speak with him.

After some weeks of numerous compromises followed by my sister subsequently saying the agreements weren't to her liking, she sent me a long e-mail telling me basically that she wasn't coming to my wedding because "it's not worth the time and effort to travel when my husband AND kids are shunned from your wedding" despite the fact that my sister herself removed her husband from the wedding party. My uBPD sis was to be my maid of honor. I was devastated but at the same time relieved to not have such a selfish and rageful individual so close to me on my wedding day. If you're wondering why I didn't back down very early on and allow my nephews at the ceremony, it's because uBPD sis made a point to tell me that even if I did what she wanted, she was so upset about it that she promised to "put on the stupid bridesmaid dress, fake a smile, and pretend like I care." So it's like, what's my incentive to do what you want if you promise to stay pissed and I don't get what I want?

You might wonder where my mother is in all of this. She also has uBPD and agrees with my sister's opinion that my requests were completely selfish and offensive. I have been painted black, along with F. My mom doesn't seem to care about my wedding anymore and thinks my sister's behavior is justified. The first time she met F's mom, she cornered the kind woman and grilled her on what her opinion was about the situation with children. My MIL didn't want to say anything but eventually said, "I'm not involved, but I support what they want - it's their special day." Now my mom hates F's family because "they are pushing to not have children at the wedding."

It's such a ridiculous situation in every way, but after many session with my T I can see that really it is just a magnified example of a lifetime of dysfunctional dynamics with my family. I was the younger "baby" sibling, the appeaser, the mascot - I was always expected to yield to my mother or sister's wishes and whims. I have done that my whole life, but as I enter my mid/late twenties and am able to clearly see the dysfunction, I have worked hard to build a good life around me. I can also see that my wedding is much more than just a celebration. It's a time to demonstrate to our families how we expect to interact with them as a new couple. I have decided that my family doesn't get to walk over me and rage until they get what they want. It's not just about me anymore, and I will not undermine the happiness I have built to attempt to please people who can never be happy.

I haven't spoken to my sister since before Christmas, and frankly I wouldn't be surprised if the next time we spoke would be at a parent's funeral. She has been so cruel that I have no interest in seeking a relationship with her. My mother continues to be cold but still plans to attend my wedding. My dad is the quiet submissive appeaser and so he is not involved in any of this. While I'm so excited to marry the love of my life and share this special day with the normal family I have and my many friends who have been incredibly supportive, I have a big hole in my heart from all this drama. I know my mom will be frowning in the background of the pictures and will be unwilling to say all the nice things parents should say to their daughter on her wedding day. I will miss the kind smiles, the loving tears, and affectionate hugs, and the well wishes I think I deserve from a mother on my wedding. It hurts so much to feel like she has stopped loving me. I feel like the more I become my own person, the less I become her lovable daughter and the more I am some stranger to her. It's a terrible and devastating process to behold, and while I know it is SHE who is giving me limited options, and SHE is at fault for not adapting to the changing tides of my life, it still leaves a big hole in my heart.

The 3 days before my wedding, my mom will be spending a few days with my sister (it's a long drive and my sister's house is on the way there), and I am very concerned as to what state of mind my mother will be in as she approaches the wedding day. My sister is very capable of shaking things up for me. Frankly, I'm scared. I don't know what else to do except keep my mom from being alone with me during the wedding so that she doesn't have the opportunity to say something nasty. But other than that, I'm just afraid. If anyone can relate to this, I'd love to hear any advice you have.

[GreenGlit]

Hello forum,

My wedding is quickly approaching this September and I have a lot of feeling I don't know how to deal with. This might be long but I could really use some help.

To put the last 8 months in a nutshell:

My fiance (F) and I decided, in October, we wanted no children at our wedding. From the beginning we made a clear exception for my uBPD sister's two young boys (aged 2 and 4), who were invited to the reception and all festivities. I only asked that they be babysat for our very short 20 minute ceremony to avoid interruptions. I offered to pay for multiple sitters and set aside a very nice playroom near the ceremony. uBPD sis, in response, raged like never before, and spent 10 hours texting me the most horrible things anyone has ever said to me. A few highlights: "You're a selfish unloving brat, showing me your hideous colors," "you're a parasite to the family," and "you treat me like dog sh*t and expect me to bow down to you. You have NEVER loved me." She said things as ridiculous as "I gave you advise your whole life and you scoffed at me and always did it YOUR way. You deserve all the sh*t that falls on your head" (I graduated with honors from college and am currently a medical student graduating next May... .I think I'm doing just fine), "What in your life have you done for ME?" and even "your wedding isn't all about you." That last one really highlights the state of mind she is in.

After that, I was frankly horrified at her behavior and saw that she had no interest in actually talking to me. Believe it or not she continued to escalate things over the following weeks, agreeing to, and then backing down from, different compromises we made about who will care for the children during the ceremony. I think she believed I would back down eventually and allow the kids at the ceremony, but I held my ground. She refused to allow her extremely reasonable husband to be a part of the conversation, probably to maintain her power over the outcome, and eventually said that he was not to be a groomsman since he "is the only person I trust to care of our kids, and you won't let mom and dad take care of them" (duh - I want them at my ceremony?) I asked her to have my bro-in-law to please call F to decline the invitation to be a groomsman (which, by the way, F took extremely personally). She absolutely refused, said he was not to be involved, and that he didn't care about being in the wedding party, which I don't believe. Obviously I am suspicious she is telling my bro-in-law a very twisted story that is far from the truth - but it's hard to tell since she refuses to allow us to speak with him.

After some weeks of numerous compromises followed by my sister subsequently saying the agreements weren't to her liking, she sent me a long e-mail telling me basically that she wasn't coming to my wedding because "it's not worth the time and effort to travel when my husband AND kids are shunned from your wedding" despite the fact that my sister herself removed her husband from the wedding party. My uBPD sis was to be my maid of honor. I was devastated but at the same time relieved to not have such a selfish and rageful individual so close to me on my wedding day. If you're wondering why I didn't back down very early on and allow my nephews at the ceremony, it's because uBPD sis made a point to tell me that even if I did what she wanted, she was so upset about it that she promised to "put on the stupid bridesmaid dress, fake a smile, and pretend like I care." So it's like, what's my incentive to do what you want if you promise to stay pissed and I don't get what I want?

You might wonder where my mother is in all of this. She also has uBPD and agrees with my sister's opinion that my requests were completely selfish and offensive. I have been painted black, along with F. My mom doesn't seem to care about my wedding anymore and thinks my sister's behavior is justified. The first time she met F's mom, she cornered the kind woman and grilled her on what her opinion was about the situation with children. My MIL didn't want to say anything but eventually said, "I'm not involved, but I support what they want - it's their special day." Now my mom hates F's family because "they are pushing to not have children at the wedding."

It's such a ridiculous situation in every way, but after many session with my T I can see that really it is just a magnified example of a lifetime of dysfunctional dynamics with my family. I was the younger "baby" sibling, the appeaser, the mascot - I was always expected to yield to my mother or sister's wishes and whims. I have done that my whole life, but as I enter my mid/late twenties and am able to clearly see the dysfunction, I have worked hard to build a good life around me. I can also see that my wedding is much more than just a celebration. It's a time to demonstrate to our families how we expect to interact with them as a new couple. I have decided that my family doesn't get to walk over me and rage until they get what they want. It's not just about me anymore, and I will not undermine the happiness I have built to attempt to please people who can never be happy.

I haven't spoken to my sister since before Christmas, and frankly I wouldn't be surprised if the next time we spoke would be at a parent's funeral. She has been so cruel that I have no interest in seeking a relationship with her. My mother continues to be cold but still plans to attend my wedding. My dad is the quiet submissive appeaser and so he is not involved in any of this. While I'm so excited to marry the love of my life and share this special day with the normal family I have and my many friends who have been incredibly supportive, I have a big hole in my heart from all this drama. I know my mom will be frowning in the background of the pictures and will be unwilling to say all the nice things parents should say to their daughter on her wedding day. I will miss the kind smiles, the loving tears, and affectionate hugs, and the well wishes I think I deserve from a mother on my wedding. It hurts so much to feel like she has stopped loving me. I feel like the more I become my own person, the less I become her lovable daughter and the more I am some stranger to her. It's a terrible and devastating process to behold, and while I know it is SHE who is giving me limited options, and SHE is at fault for not adapting to the changing tides of my life, it still leaves a big hole in my heart.

The 3 days before my wedding, my mom will be spending a few days with my sister (it's a long drive and my sister's house is on the way there), and I am very concerned as to what state of mind my mother will be in as she approaches the wedding day. My sister is very capable of shaking things up for me. Frankly, I'm scared. I don't know what else to do except keep my mom from being alone with me during the wedding so that she doesn't have the opportunity to say something nasty. But other than that, I'm just afraid. If anyone can relate to this, I'd love to hear any advice you have.

[funfunctional]

Hi Green,

Sounds like you need some shields and swords at your wedding.   You need to tell your wedding party to keep mom away from you and if she starts anything you need people that will redirect her away.  If she tries to whisper in your ear, walk away!  It is your day.   Embrace the people that will embrace you.    If you are going to worry and let her ruin the day and let her take over that control then you may as well cancel the wedding. Why waste the money?   You could also piss off BPD mom in hopes she will do a  "no show" too.  That could actually be FUN!   Your BPD sister is already all pissed off and honestly, the kids should have not been invited to begin with.  Hindsight is always easier.   

If you didn't want kids at your wedding you had the right to not invite them.   Normal people understand.    I think you need to start being the driver in your wedding and stop being a passenger. Sounds like your mom and sister had their wedding day.  Why don't you deserve a nice day that is about YOU.

So what if you sister is upset.  So what if your mom is on "her side".   Tell the two of them to go have a bash fest and provide the popcorn for these two that clearly have the nasty nasty streaks in them.   

Do you want your kids someday growing up with all that?    Honestly,   I think you are starting your NEW LIFE and new family so take the power away from them and understand as you have your own family this will shrink smaller and smaller.     

I am trying to help you out a little by toughening you up a little cause you deserve your day.   It is not about them. It is not about the kids.   

Take care & try to enjoy your big day as it approaches.

[GreenGlit]

Thanks for the encouragement and advice, funfunctional. When I read your suggestions I was like "hell yeah" - it's easy to feel guilty and put aside my own wants and feelings when it's just me talking, but much easier to see things clearly when read from a third party perspective.

Most people do get my "no children" wishes. I have a bridesman with an 8 month old and he was completely understanding - I was cringing as I was telling him and almost shocked when he said, "no problem, we'll get a sitter" - normal people indeed.

Swords and shields. I like that. My bridesmaids have really been by my side - I know they will help me through one of the most exciting days of my life. I think my mom will show frankly for appearances so nobody thinks she's a "bad mother," but my bridesmaids and my aunt and MIL have said they're prepared to step in to protect me. Thank you for the reminder that I'm not wrong to want something for myself, especially on this day.

[funfunctional]

((Greengrit))

Best wishes and my you ENJOY YOUR DAY!