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Author Topic: More discoveries and pain  (Read 542 times)
Yolanda123
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: July 07, 2015, 08:23:15 PM »

I just need to take it out. I found out today (official b/u was June 3) that when we started going out together (we met at work and he had been pursuing me for weeks, texting me, calling me) he was actually still in a Relationship - don't know for how long they'd been together, but the fisrt night he spent here this girl was waiting for him as they were supposed to have dinner together and she was actually very worried cause she had not heard of him in two days. So for how long did he keep us both? Does not really matter, but is he a great actor and liar, the best I've ever seen.

So I was a replacement, he,s been lying since day one, no big surprises knowing what I know now about BPD. Why did that hit me like a ton of bricks, like I'm back to square one in Healing from this horrible nightmare.

I know all the BPD stuff and what they do and I realize it's just the tip of the iceberg and I should not be surprised, but knowing that this was just a BIG LIE from the very beginning is so surreal. It's like I got a big concrete confirmation that this man is not a human, he's just an empty shell going around hurting people, lying and hurting others that's what he does. With no regrets and no conscience.

I know since June 3 that I don't ever want this man in my life in any way shape of form and I feel like I've been progressing and focusing on understanding BPD and aligning my heart with my mind. Trying not to hate. For now all I feel is disgust and hate. I wish he pays for everyone that he's hurt in his miserable life. I wish him the worst.
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UserName69
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« Reply #1 on: July 07, 2015, 08:32:16 PM »

How did you find out? Do you still have contact with him? I wonder if the other girl knows about what he's done.
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« Reply #2 on: July 07, 2015, 08:39:35 PM »

hey yolanda123  

i think i can empathize on this. i was actually some time out before i began to suspect i was a replacement myself. ex had been with a guy around six months before me. whereas she felt perfectly comfortable talking about her first serious partner, she was very vague about this one. turns out, in some form, she had hit him. i know he was still contacting her shortly after we were together. early in the relationship i came upon some correspondence between them that confirmed what she had told me other wise about; that they had had sex, and that she loved him. i think the reality is that he said something that triggered her, i appeared at the right time, and she denied him any closure.

"So I was a replacement, he,s been lying since day one, no big surprises knowing what I know now about BPD. Why did that hit me like a ton of bricks, like I'm back to square one in Healing from this horrible nightmare."

it is a big surprise though, because we trusted them. thats why it hit you like a ton of bricks. it is a surreal experience. and its okay to feel what youre feeling as a result of learning this; if i were to criticize myself at any point in my recovery, it would be for telling myself what i was feeling was "wrong" or "bad" or somehow off base. theres no amount of "BPD knowledge" that prepares you for this kind of feeling, and thats okay. feel it.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Yolanda123
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« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2015, 08:49:57 PM »

Username:

I have been no contact with my exBPDbf for about 3 weeks (he's been texting and leaving messages, last time one week ago but I have ignored).

I found out through another co-worker - a girl who was good friends with him and who is now no contact with him too, as she's uncovering his true nature... .me and this co-worker have become more close at the time of the breakup and she's been a good support for me.

She was the one who received a message on Facebook from the girlfriend - she did not know her, but the gf was worried since she had no news for 2 days and knew they worked together so messenged her to ask if she had seen him at work.

Me and the co-worker talked today and she told me I'll send you something that I got on Facebook from an ex of him... .She said it's disgusting stuff and I'm sorry to cause you more pain but you have to see him for who he really is.


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Yolanda123
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« Reply #4 on: July 07, 2015, 09:02:56 PM »

Thank you once removed for replying. I don't know what I would do if I did not have this board... .go crazy insane I guess. I feel like friends and family are fed up with my story and don't know what to tell me anymore. Stop thinking about it... .get over it. He's not Worth it.

I know he's not. But it hurts. The betrayal, the lies, the feeling that I've been used, just a number in a long succession of other numbers. The disgust. The fear that I might have a STD. (I am getting tested Friday). 

I called to get an appointment with my T... .he's on vacation until July 13. I've been seeing him on and off for a few years back for other personal issues, and went to see him after the b/u... .it helped but he did not seem so familiar with BPD so I might try to find one that knows more about it.

Thank you everyone for the support, it's what keeps me sane.
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UserName69
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« Reply #5 on: July 07, 2015, 09:09:12 PM »

Username:

I have been no contact with my exBPDbf for about 3 weeks (he's been texting and leaving messages, last time one week ago but I have ignored).

I found out through another co-worker - a girl who was good friends with him and who is now no contact with him too, as she's uncovering his true nature... .me and this co-worker have become more close at the time of the breakup and she's been a good support for me.

She was the one who received a message on Facebook from the girlfriend - she did not know her, but the gf was worried since she had no news for 2 days and knew they worked together so messenged her to ask if she had seen him at work.

Me and the co-worker talked today and she told me I'll send you something that I got on Facebook from an ex of him... .She said it's disgusting stuff and I'm sorry to cause you more pain but you have to see him for who he really is.

Maybe your co-worker shouldn't tell you this because you only got hurt and it slows down your process of healing. I caught a relative of mine once cheating with an another woman (multiple times with multiple women). I never told anyone I kept it for myself and hoped God will lead him. Who knows what I would cause if I told it to his wife.

The best thing to do is to forget about him, it doesn't matter what he did. Once a cheater always a cheater. I know it hurts my exBPD did cheat on me too. When she found out I used to visit many bars she dropped this card. She was afraid I would go and f*ck an another girl. Get rid of everything that reminds you of him (gifts, SMS, emails etc), keep yourself busy don't give him the joy he wants.

I understand the hate, I hate my exBPD too and I don't wish her well. I'm over her, I have met a wonderful girl. The only feelings I feel for my exBPD are hate. I know it's hard to love or respect people like that. Don't worry they'll never be happy or experience true love while you can.
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« Reply #6 on: July 07, 2015, 09:40:29 PM »

hey yolanda,

friends and family dont always understand what we are going through, no matter how badly they want to be there for us. you know, i have a psychology major for a mother, who read all the same resources i did, had a decent understanding of BPD, but still ran out of words to say and advice to give. thats human limitation. it doesnt mean they dont care. they probably mean the best. you do have these boards; we do understand, intimately and personally. we are here for you.

"He's not Worth it.

I know he's not. But it hurts. The betrayal, the lies, the feeling that I've been used, just a number in a long succession of other numbers. The disgust. The fear that I might have a STD. (I am getting tested Friday)."

if that message were going to get through, it already would have. believe me, i tried it. i was unhappy the majority of my relationship. had a foot out the door for most of it, and can frankly say i didnt much respect my ex. the reality is she was important to me, and because of that, she hurt me to the core. you had an intimate, long term, personal relationship with this person; many relationships with a BPD have a "soul mate" like quality to them. theres little point in painting our exes black and trying to invalidate our own pain. it is not a weakness to feel sorrow over this.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Lucinda

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« Reply #7 on: July 07, 2015, 09:53:19 PM »

I can most definitely empathise with you on this one and knowing I'm not the only one going through this is a huge relief to me! My partner swept me off my feet and a couple weeks in I was informed of a few rumours that he was still with his ex partner. I confronted him myself and said I was not going to continue dating him and he absolutely assured me it was over and done. 2 years on he jokes about how I was the "home wrecker" that was with him knowing he was with someone else. When I clearly recall to him that he said it was over, he denies at and is completely convinced he told me he was with her. He manipulates my thoughts to the point that he manages to convince me it was my fault that I knew and I was a home wrecker. I was his replacement, his backup plan while his other relationship was faltering. I think the personality traits of a BPD would make this a common occurrence. They are too insecure to be on their own so overlapping a relationship seems fine in their eyes.
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