Should I send a letter to her parents?

[Joe271]

Hello,

I've been in NC with my BPD ex girlfriend for a couple of years.   Every so often I snoop on some of her online profiles to see what she's up to.   There's no direct communication between us anymore.   I'm kind of affraid of her.   She made some threats around the breakup.

She left a diary entry about having a bunch of suicidal thoughts.  I can't read the actual entry.   Is it a cry for help?  She's been this way the whole time we were together, episodes where she gets depressed with suicidal ideations.  Breakdowns, rages.  It worries me she might actually try to now.   She broke my heart but I still love her.

She used to confide in me.  I wasn't supposed to say anything to anyone else.   After she broke up with me she was acting like everything was blissfuly wonderful with her replacement partner who she cheated on me with.  Like I was the sole source of her unhappiness.  So I've stayed far away.  Up until now I thought she was doing ok.

I don't think it would be safe to break NC but I wish she could get some help.  

I could send an anonymous letter to her parents.  I think they are good people.  Maybe her family could help her get some professional help?  They might already know what she's dealing with.   If they don't it could change things for her at home.   Is there a better way to help her?   She could just be venting in a journal.  

She's good at acting like everything is okay. I'd rather she got mad and stayed alive.   She could come after me in a murderous rage.  She thinks I am like the devil or something now.  I was a loving devoted boyfriend.   That switch flipped.  At the time I had no idea what BPD was.

She can be very cruel and abusive.  She made me think she'd gone through with a suicide when she broke up with me.  She left me with a drawing of a woman getting ready to hang herself.  I finaly heard from her about two months later when she was settled in with the replacement.  Whoever that is.  Vicious hate filled texts and phone calls like she was a different person.  At first I thought it was someone else who stole her phone.  Then silence.  

Should I stay quiet and let her sort through things on her own like usual?   It's troubling.  I know she's no longer my responsiblity but I still care for the woman.  It's peaceful here.  Maybe she's completely forgotten about me.  I don't know.

[rotiroti]

  Hey Joe271,

I struggled with something similar and then realized that she was no longer my responsibility. Actually i'm realizing now that no one is anyone else's responsibility. You said it yourself that you know this.

I was feeling guilty of having triggered my ex's abandonment fears and wanted to call to sooth her. I received the following advice:

She will never have any incentive to confront her issues and learn to control them as long as you continue to protect her from the logical consequences of her own bad decisions and childish behavior. With BPDers, as with young children, it is important that they be allowed to suffer the logical consequences (within reason) of their own bad decisions. That's how they learn to grow and mature.

so if you really do care for her, wouldn't you want her to move on from the pain? Soothing her would only warrant her to continue such behavior.

[Loosestrife]

She survived before she met you and she will continue to now too. She has to want and seek the help herself. Harsh but true

[Mutt]

Hi Joe271,



I can understand how alarming that would be if she left you a very dark picture.

I'd like to echo rotiroti, it sounds like she's in a committed relationship? I can also understand how you care about her welfare having been a loving ex. It's not our responsibility to attempt to rescue someone else.


I'd also like to echo Loosestrife, she has to want to get help for herself and commit herself to therapy and no one can do that for her.

Her parents may be aware there's something off and aware of that knowledge as heartbreaking as it is. Maybe her family subconsciously enables her behaviors as well? It's hard to tell from what you have posted.

Have you thought a lot about her in the past couple of years? How's life treating you post-break up?

How did you break-up?

We're glad you could join us. It helps to talk.


----Mutt

[Skip]

An anonymous letter is not a good idea. The interest will be in who sent it.  It may get passed around to see if anyone can tell.

The fact that is based on her private journal is also a hard one.

If you want to communicate, you probably would need to buy someone a discrete lunch and have a humble chat. Possibly a phone call if you're really close.

It's a tough one.

Do you think her family is not aware of here emotional fragility?